My parents think its all "just a phase"?

Leonard Hofstadter

Thetruth7 wrote: »

OP I'm sure your parents will come around in time. Hang in there

The fact that they went to see someone was a real positive, and it sounds like that person has knocked a good bit of sense into them. It just goes to show that despite their initial actions and reaction to the OP coming out, deep down they are the same as almost every other parents in that they really do love him and care about his well being.

It will take time for them to be fully OK with it but it does sound like it will all work out fine in the long run.

newacc2015

LorMal wrote: »

Is there a hierarchy of gayness where only gays can have an opinion on some issues? I was posting as a parent who has a son the same age of the OP

No. But you are making assumptions about sexuality, that are clearly out of your depth. Most gay people know they are attracted to the same sex at a very young age. All a parent can do is be supportive and not pass judgement, even if they arent 100% ok with it. Telling a child, that has known they are gay from 10/11, that its only a phase and keep it to yourself. Is actually quite damaging to a child. You parents are supposed to be one of the most supportive and accepting people in life, but in this case, they clearly are not

Peoples attractions do change throughout life eg Hasbians. Women identified as lesbians, who are now in a man/female relationship. But by in large, if someone identifies as gay at 13, they are still gay at 73.

One eyed Jack

newacc2015 wrote: »

No. But you are making assumptions about sexuality, that are clearly out of your depth.

And you are making assumptions about both parenting and sexuality that are clearly out of your depth.

Most gay people know they are attracted to the same sex at a very young age.

Do they? Or did you just assume that? Has any study ever concluded that most people know and can discern their sexual identity from a very young age?

I didn't word that as a trick question btw, I left it open-ended on purpose so you could point me to a study or research of some sort that says most people are aware of their sexual identity from a very young age.

All a parent can do is be supportive and not pass judgement, even if they arent 100% ok with it. Telling a child, that has known they are gay from 10/11, that its only a phase and keep it to yourself. Is actually quite damaging to a child.

Do you have any research to back this up, or is it just another assumption because it sounds about right?

You parents are supposed to be one of the most supportive and accepting people in life, but in this case, they clearly are not

Do I really need to tell you what's wrong with making an assumption like that based upon the biased evidence of a child you don't even know, that you can presume anything about his parents previous 17 years experience that you don't have?

Peoples attractions do change throughout life eg Hasbians. Women identified as lesbians, who are now in a man/female relationship. But by in large, if someone identifies as gay at 13, they are still gay at 73.

"Hasbians"? Bloody hell, with passing judgment like that, who needs people who have no understanding, eh?

As for the bit in bold, well, you finished on just another assumption which you're trying to pass off as fact like you have some special insight into human relationships that nobody else could have on account of you reducing it to the one single factor that suits you - the child's sexual identity, because they identify as homosexual.

eviltwin

Being a parent doesn't give you a pass for bad behaviour. None of us own our children. Our job is to raise them to be who they are and if it's different to what your plan for them was, well, tough. Of course it's damaging to treat a teenager in such a childish way. You can't will them to fancy girls if they prefer boys and they shouldn't have to hide it to make anyone feel better. If you can't be supportive you're better off saying nothing and getting counselling. I think you've got a small child One Eye so this probably won't affect you for a while but it's going to happen in some capacity. These people don't have to be effusive in their support but telling him 'its just a phase' undermined what was probably a very difficult conversation for this guy. They need to get over their issues and support their son.

pl4ichjgy17zwd

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Do they? Or did you just assume that? Has any study ever concluded that most people know and can discern their sexual identity from a very young age?

I didn't word that as a trick question btw, I left it open-ended on purpose so you could point me to a study or research of some sort that says most people are aware of their sexual identity from a very young age.

12 years: the most common age that an LGBT person discovers their sexual orientation or gender identity for themselves (average is 14)

http://www.lgbt.ie/attachments/233_Supporting_LGBT_Lives_Key_Findings_Report_Card.pdf

Leonard Hofstadter

newacc2015 wrote: »

Most gay people know they are attracted to the same sex at a very young age. All a parent can do is be supportive and not pass judgement, even if they arent 100% ok with it.

Speaking from experience, I had no idea till I was 17. But yeah once you realise it there's no going back. You can't try to change how you feel no matter how much you want to (and believe me, I tried at the time). I do think sometimes teenagers say stuff and it genuinely is 'just a phase' but by the time one has reached 17-18 you know your sexuality and gender identity (if that is an issue) and you're certainly not making it up.

jobbridge4life

captainspeed wrote: »

Speaking from experience, I had no idea till I was 17. But yeah once you realise it there's no going back. You can't try to change how you feel no matter how much you want to (and believe me, I tried at the time). I do think sometimes teenagers say stuff and it genuinely is 'just a phase' but by the time one has reached 17-18 you know your sexuality and gender identity (if that is an issue) and you're certainly not making it up.

And I knew it when I was less than nine. I remember 'getting comfortable' which is what I called masturbation at that age and younger and it was always to males. I remember 'playing' with loads of my friends same sex and female.

One of the worst memories of my life was when my best friend (female) and I, thinking we were hidden behind the garden shed of my child minder, explored our naughty parts... only to be screamed at and shamed when we came inside. I still feel the heat in my checks for that one.

jobbridge4life

LorMal wrote: »

Is there a hierarchy of gayness where only gays can have an opinion on some issues? I was posting as a parent who has a son the same age of the OP

No hon sorry to dissappoint you. There is however, a thing called human experience and just like I am not going to tell a rugby player how to deal with the pain associated with playing rugby, I don't particularly take the advice of a straight person telling a gay youth how they should feel, or the parent of no gay children claiming insight into how to parent gay children as particularly insightful or worthy.

And Lormal, if you treated your son in the way MattP's parents did then you would be a piss poor parent too.

One eyed Jack

eviltwin wrote: »

Being a parent doesn't give you a pass for bad behaviour. None of us own our children. Our job is to raise them to be who they are and if it's different to what your plan for them was, well, tough. Of course it's damaging to treat a teenager in such a childish way. You can't will them to fancy girls if they prefer boys and they shouldn't have to hide it to make anyone feel better. If you can't be supportive you're better off saying nothing and getting counselling. I think you've got a small child One Eye so this probably won't affect you for a while but it's going to happen in some capacity.

You're not wrong eviltwin, my child is 10 now (but you wouldn't know it given he is quite physically mature for his age, had to get him a uniform that'd fit a 14yr old ffs! :pac:), but I wouldn't use my own child as an example of people who are discovering their sexuality and so on. Tbh it's even unusual to me when you say that his discoveries about his sexuality won't affect me for another while. It goes back to what I was saying earlier about his being influenced by the outside world around him - I'd care more about his academic and personal development than I do about his sexuality. I care more about whether he comes home with a B on his report card, than I do if he comes home with a boyfriend! :pac:


As for my own personal experience, well, I too was a child, once :pac:

One eyed Jack wrote: »

You're making the assumption that heterosexual people always identified as heterosexual. I can at least tell you from my own experience that as a child I identified far more comfortably with assuming I was homosexual, and my sexual identity wasn't that big a deal to me personally. But as I grew into my teens, that's when the trouble really started as up to that point I'd always thought of myself as attracted to males, and there was nothing really happened to question that. That was of course until all sorts of hormones kicked in and I began to realise I was sexually attracted to women. Your "shame in a heteronormative society" was never an issue for me until I began to experience the complete opposite mental framework that I struggled with throughout my teens tbh.

That's why nowadays I have a complete aversion to labelling and stereotyping people based on traits and who they are sexually attracted to, because labels are nice and handy for compartmentalising people, but breaking down a person like that into their various labels means that you're losing sight of the bigger picture - the person themselves as a whole. That's why I personally don't like pigeon-holing people or encouraging them to pigeon-hole themselves, because I've seen far more people tormented and pressured by this feeling that they have to "come out" than I have seen people who feel they don't have to answer to anyone for their sexuality. Which person do you think is happier in themselves, more confident, self-assured, etc? The person who doesn't feel they have to conform to homonormative stereotypes they see portrayed in the media and in wider society. Why? Because that's one less thing they have to worry about.

I understand all too well floggg why children who identify as LGBT can have a hard time. Because they're children! They're discovering who they are and they sometimes have questions they have no answers for, they lack the information to be able to figure themselves out for themselves, and they feel pressured to fit in with their peer group, and anything can have them stand out, not just indentifying themselves as LGBT, but in fact a whole spectrum of child development issues, emotional, mental and physical. Nobody floggg, lives in an environment where 'they can openly be themselves', because the pressure to fit in with a society's and expectations, let alone the pressure people put on themselves, is immense. That is why I suggest that it's more important to equip people from an early age with the tools to cope with this pressure. I fundamentally disagree with the opinion that it's a particularly hard thing to do to instill confidence and self-esteem in chilldren from an early age. It's what we should be doing, so that they can apply these tools in any situation they may face.

Thankfully, for me at least in that respect, I grew up in the arsehole of nowhere, in an age before the Internet and social media (it wasn't exactly a mormon lifestyle, but by standards nowadays, concerns about my sexuality came waaaaay down the list of priorities!), and so I was never exposed to anything that would challenge my thoughts on my own sexuality. I knew about human sexuality of course from reading the Encyclopedia Britannica (my mother's persistence and a refusal to accept that I could neither read nor write well, nor adequately comprehend the world around me meant that I was exposed to much more literature, arts and music than your average child). Because of my physical disability, I pushed myself harder in competitive physical sports such as judo, gymnastics (I was shyte at hurling, end of), and Irish dancing than any of the other children. I wanted to fit in with my peers in all the ways I felt I didn't fit in. My sexuality was just never on the radar.

Yes, and y'know what? That's why telling children that the language they use can be hurtful, giving them a list of terms not to use, and terms to use, is an utterly futile exercise. Language evolves, all the time, and this is one of the arguments against the use of the word 'retarded' that I have yet to come up with any compelling answer for. People will always argue that they have a right to use what language they want and, "it's only a word, if people are offended by words, that's their problem!". Wonderful, isn't it? People arguing that they have a right to be inconsiderate, until it's a word or a turn of phrase that triggers with them and offends them! I completely get where you're coming from btw and yes, it does cut deep, and even bb above failed to realise this in suggesting that there were no rights movements for 'gingers' or 'small people'. Socially acceptable prejudice and discrimination, applies to everyone in society, not just to "minority groups", because every person is part of a minority group in one way, and part of a majority group in another. Just ask anyone you know who identifies as atheist. Nine times out of ten they're a well educated white person, as opposed to an ill educated black person.

I fundamentally disagree with the part in bold there, and I'll tell you why - because you're seeing just the issues, and not the person themselves as a whole. The rest of your post could apply to anyone. Anyone, based on any way in which they feel they don't fit in with what they feel is expected of them from themselves, from their peer group, and from society.

Your last line there is important, because the only way we can create that safe space for everybody, is by teaching people to respect both themselves and other people. Instilling self-confidence in children and in people is how they find their place in the world, and how they learn that they are not alone in this world, that they have to share the same space with other people who aren't always going to like them, but there's plenty of people in the same space that do, and talking about 'safe spaces' and so on is encouraging people to exclude and isolate themselves from society. That's not addressing their self-esteem issues. That, to me at least, seems like it's doing the exact opposite - teaching people to define themselves by certain labels and "you fit in that box there because you're gay, you fit in that box because you're overweight, etc", and they're never taught that they have the strength to break out of that bloody box, and be who they are, and not be afraid to have their own bloody identity that they figure out for themselves, because they've never been given the tools to do so, but rather had their issues with themselves continuously enabled and highlighted and allowed themselves to be defined by how other people see them, rather than how they see themselves!

eviltwin wrote: »

These people don't have to be effusive in their support but telling him 'its just a phase' undermined what was probably a very difficult conversation for this guy. They need to get over their issues and support their son.

I think some people here are reading far, far too much into the "it's just a phase" comment. People say something dumb, shocking! No, it isn't really. I've often experienced people who come out with the dumbest sh1t and they wish they could take it back later, but I wouldn't hold their initial reaction against them, and the OP's parents are attending counselling now, so that's a start, in the space of a week! Like I posted earlier, my parents still give me grief 22 years later after I moved out of the family home at 16!

It's not as simple at all as suggesting that someone needs to just get over their issues and support their son. That's as dismissive as "it's only a phase", and I know you don't mean it that way, but that's the way it sounds.

Edwin Incalculable Referee wrote: »

12 years: the most common age that an LGBT person discovers their sexual orientation or gender identity for themselves (average is 14)

http://www.lgbt.ie/attachments/233_Supporting_LGBT_Lives_Key_Findings_Report_Card.pdf

Ahh here, 12-14 is about the time puberty kicks in for people, that's not "from a very early age" in fairness. The "from a very early age" gave the impression you were referring to pre-pubescent children, as opposed to pubescent teenagers.

eviltwin

You can explore the issue without being dismissive. I had a very in depth conversation with my daughter when she came out, I asked all the wrong questions but not with my head in the sand in complete denial. It's possible to address it being a possible phase without offending anyone. Like it or not they will have to find a way to get over it if they want to keep their son. He's not going to change. This is their opportunity to stand up and be there for him. If they don't take it they are fools.

jobbridge4life

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Ahh here, 12-14 is about the time puberty kicks in for people, that's not "from a very early age" in fairness. The "from a very early age" gave the impression you were referring to pre-pubescent children, as opposed to pubescent teenagers.

In fairness I think most of us were talking about or with reference to a 17 year old, username mattP.

One eyed Jack

eviltwin wrote: »

You can explore the issue without being dismissive. I had a very in depth conversation with my daughter when she came out, I asked all the wrong questions but not with my head in the sand in complete denial. It's possible to address it being a possible phase without offending anyone. Like it or not they will have to find a way to get over it if they want to keep their son.

Truth be told, I'd like to see the whole family work it out amongst themselves without the need for an intermediary or counselling. That's why I said earlier that the OP and his parents, need to show each other some understanding and cut each other some slack. Like you said - you asked all the wrong questions, but your daughter knows you meant well.

I don't bury my head in the sand about these things either, and my son knows the people I work with who have made some shall we say, "unconventional" career choices. He knows what they do for a living, but they teach him all about their languages and cultures and history and so on. He sees them as people, rather than what they do for a living. He's not particularly interested in sex and sexuality tbh. Feels a bit odd when I say that because right now I'm reading these three books at the moment -

Prostitution and Irish Society, 1800–1940
Occasions of Sin: Sex and Society in Modern Ireland
Sex Life: How Our Sexual Experiences Define Who We Are.


Hardly burying my head in the sand :pac:

He's not going to change. This is their opportunity to stand up and be there for him. If they don't take it they are fools.

See this is it - how does anyone here know that? We've already had one poster use the rather crude and derogatory IMO "hasbians" to refer to women who once identified as lesbian, and now no longer identified as lesbian. I've met many people who once identified one way, and then later identified another. It's not just my personal experience that taught me sexuality and sexual identity is not just a spectrum, but it's not even a rigid spectrum. To have people live up to an identity once they "come out", is like putting just as much pressure on someone to come out in the first place.

That's why I hate sometimes when people say "you're straight so your opinion is irrelevant"...

Really? I mean, really? I would have imagined some people would know better, especially those who were once in the closet themselves.

eviltwin

Maybe he will change but that should happen organically and not because he's under pressure from the people around him. The fact they are having a hard time with this is their problem not his. They have to work that out for themselves. I don't know what he can do to put their mind at ease tbh.

One eyed Jack

eviltwin wrote: »

Maybe he will change but that should happen organically and not because he's under pressure from the people around him. The fact they are having a hard time with this is their problem not his. They have to work that out for themselves. I don't know what he can do to put their mind at ease tbh.

The fact that his parents are having a hard time with this is far more a problem for the OP than it is for his parents. They have the power to determine his future while he's under their roof, so if the OP is actually any way clever, he will have figured out by now which side his bread is buttered so to speak. The best way to put his parents minds at ease is to show them the same understanding that your daughter showed you, without expecting that everyone should bend to suit her like the OP expects of their parents.

That's really not going to work. It might work on Boards to give the OP a false sense of power he doesn't have, but reality is quite different.

eviltwin

One eyed Jack wrote: »

The fact that his parents are having a hard time with this is far more a problem for the OP than it is for his parents. They have the power to determine his future while he's under their roof, so if the OP is actually any way clever, he will have figured out by now which side his bread is buttered so to speak. The best way to put his parents minds at ease is to show them the same understanding that your daughter showed you, without expecting that everyone should bend to suit her like the OP expects of their parents.

That's really not going to work. It might work on Boards to give the OP a false sense of power he doesn't have, but reality is quite different.

I really hope it's not so bad they may ask him to leave home for being gay. He hasn't given that impression. I don't think anybody could understand or defend that. I'd be disgusted if someone I knew treated their child like that.

mattP

One eyed Jack wrote:

The best way to put his parents minds at ease is to show them the same understanding that your daughter showed you, without expecting that everyone should bend to suit her like the OP expects of their parents.

Im hardly asking for the moon and the stars - I wouldn't mind if they did have a problem with me being gay tbh, as long as they kept anything offensive to themselves and treated me the same.
I don't like the need to label either, but its necessary:/ A guy who likes guys is gay, Im gay now and always have been. I always knew I liked boys and not girls, when the realisation hit me that that meant I was gay (sounds funny, I knew I liked boys, I knew boys who liked boys were gay, but those two thoughts didnt collide for some time) I was absolutely gutted. I would have killed to be straight. If, like you One Eyed Jack, I start liking girls in a few years (highly doubt it will happen but even so) so be it, I'll stay true to it and follow my heart.

eviltwin

One eyed Jack wrote: »

The fact that his parents are having a hard time with this is far more a problem for the OP than it is for his parents. They have the power to determine his future while he's under their roof, so if the OP is actually any way clever, he will have figured out by now which side his bread is buttered so to speak. The best way to put his parents minds at ease is to show them the same understanding that your daughter showed you, without expecting that everyone should bend to suit her like the OP expects of their parents.

That's really not going to work. It might work on Boards to give the OP a false sense of power he doesn't have, but reality is quite different.

Question. Would you be as understanding if the person with the problem was his sibling or a friend?

One eyed Jack

mattP wrote: »

Im hardly asking for the moon and the stars - I wouldn't mind if they did have a problem with me being gay tbh, as long as they kept anything offensive to themselves and treated me the same.
I don't like the need to label either, but its necessary:/ A guy who likes guys is gay, Im gay now and always have been. I always knew I liked boys and not girls, when the realisation hit me that that meant I was gay (sounds funny, I knew I liked boys, I knew boys who liked boys were gay, but those two thoughts didnt collide for some time) I was absolutely gutted. I would have killed to be straight. If, like you One Eyed Jack, I start liking girls in a few years (highly doubt it will happen but even so) so be it, I'll stay true to it and follow my heart.

You did the same in another thread on here yesterday and surprised me with your maturity!

Tbh that's going to be far more useful than that running your parents down online or allowing anyone else online to run your parents down. They're your family, and you're their family, and that's the most important thing to remember, because your parents will still be there in 20 years time when we've all moved on.

I think it's great too that you're going to be concentrating on your studies for the year ahead and yourself and your boyfriend are putting your studies ahead of your relationship. It's showing your parents that you can actually be responsible and mature about this, which will in turn alleviate their fears that you might have started to neglect your studies.

It's an important aspect to reinforce that with them if you haven't done already and reassure them that you're still the same person after informing them, as you were before informing them.

One eyed Jack

eviltwin wrote: »

Question. Would you be as understanding if the person with the problem was his sibling or a friend?

I always try and show understanding for where everyone is coming from tbh, which is exactly why I'm always reluctant to pass judgment on people too quickly without having access to all the facts and context and so on.

Banbha32

Hey Matt i just read your post and some other comments on lgbt related topics too and you seem very level headed and mature for 17 so well done on coming out so young it takes a lot of courage! I only wish I could speak to my 17 year old self now (ten years later!) and assure myself its all ok. Your parents will come around they always do. You must have a lot on your mind with finishing school age and the leaving cert and everything else aswell so dont let your orientation worry you more than it needs to. You have accepted it fully yourself and seem happy so keep it up. It will get easier

Babaro

looksee wrote: »

mattP, you are not being persecuted. You find your parents' efforts to cope with your news to be distressing and hurtful, you have had time to think about the whole situation and work out how you feel about it. They have not. ...

I don't post here a whole lot, I prefer to read, but I just wanted to jump in and say that - as a gay man who isn't out to my family other than my brother - this is the best post I've ever read on this forum.

Labreya

First, I'm going to give you my personal experience, to give you some perspective on where I'm coming from. Then, I'm going to give you my advice.

I had the exact same experience when I came out to my parents. It was "just a phase" and I was "doing it to hurt them". The reality is that years down the line they admitted that at the time it was just a huge shock to the system. They'd had this idea of me growing up, having a wife, having kids and all that, and then suddenly I'd walked in and gone "That little dream for the future? It's gone, dude.".

It took a few years, therapy sessions, meeting my boyfriend (who also lived a bit of a distance away) and sometimes a bit of locking horns, but we all live our lives happy and together now. We went from them never wanting to hear about it and being angry and upset when meeting my boyfriend for the first time to seeing him as one of the family now and saying how happy they are for us.

You're clearly a sensible guy, and from reading your posts you're pretty much doing what they're probably doing. You're trying to come to terms with their feelings on the situation and, while you want to be supportive of them, you feel like what they're doing is just hurting you.

It's hard, but I'd say your parents really do love you, and are just trying to understand a situation that came out of goddamn nowhere for them. Like you said yourself, when you realised and came to terms with being gay, you were shocked and upset. You got passed it, and with a few years you've accepted it and matured and are now clearly a decent, well rounded person for it.

Now for the advice. This thread is FULL of anecdotal opinions loaded with bias due to personal experience. Your parents are YOUR parents. YOU know them better than we do, so it's up to YOU where all this goes in the end. You can read comments until the cows come home on here and watch random people swing verbal jabs back and forth about your relationship, but remember that it's YOUR relationship and they're YOUR parents. It's up to YOU how much of a chance you give them, and when to tag out. Do what you feel is best for you, but be aware of what the lasting results will be for your life.

You do you. At the end of the day, we're all just speculative advice. Make your own decision, don't make one of ours and try and shoehorn it into your own life. Judging by your posts though, I think you'll handle this.

mattP

That was an really insightful response, Labreya :P
Its been fairly good since August. They treat me the same as before, except if the topic comes up, usually then they get ticked off fairly fast, or make an effusive display of their okayness with it.
One thing that really hurt though was when one day I went for a jog, but my ipod ran out of battery so I came home early to hear them discussing me in the kitchen. They didn't know I was there and spoke openly for a while about their fears and prejudices. Being deeply wounded the next day I ditched school for a bus to see my boyfriend and spurned a few lies to my parents as to why I would be home from school later than usual - I know it was "bad" but being a "good" person I needed the outlet and honestly it was an amazing day and I would do it again. The silent victories are the sweetest
Ive kind of come to terms with our differences. I get that they just cant comprehend it, but they've been treating me well and said they will continue to do so when I come out to everybody. That's what matters I suppose. To be fair its visible that they are trying.

mattP

Just an update for those who care I wanted to do it here because like I've been in bad places, and I think at least if someone else reads this they know it had a happy ending and I hope it gives them a little hope
It didn't work out with the first guy, as much as I wanted it to. We were incompatible and the distance was a real killer, but we needed each other at the time and we both had a positive effect on each other or at least id like to think so And to this day I can not look at a pear without being reminded of him, euuughhhh haha
A few weeks back I met a great guy, who so happens to be out. I really love him, and even if it doesn't last forever with him I'm really enjoying being with him and he's proved a good influence on me. Hes been trying to nudge me out of the closet and he did, but more on that in a while
I was too afraid to come out because of how people would react, and I imagined they would react horribly because they didn't know any gay people, and were just afraid of what they didn't know.
The other day we watched some lgbt movies/shows, one that particularly touched me was "Milk" - its about a man campaigning for gay rights in the US. He urged lgbt people to come out for the following reason and it really had an affect on me - People are afraid of gays because they don't know any, and gays are afraid to come out because people are afraid of them. It takes one person to break the cycle, to come out, to show straight people how normal we all are and to show gays that its okay.
I realised that my life is actually really good and I've a lot going for me, so I bit the bullet. Last night we had the staff Christmas party where I work, I was talking to them beforehand and they were bringing their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives - those that had them anyway. So.... I brought mine. It was hard to do, to bring myself to it, but at the same time I really really wanted that relief. Relief of not having to watch my tongue all the time or being afraid to look "too" happy when with him in public. I made sure to get in as many pictures and stories as possible with him I wanted to get it out there - so people would know im gay first off and secondly so that closeted people that do see get hope at the sheer normality of it
God I've spent so long reading this over and over, its so personal it feels like a diary entry or something I just hope my experiences can be a benefit to others, that's one thing I love about being gay, there is a huge sense of community between us all

Ten of Swords

Congratulations, well done

eviltwin

What a lovely update. I hope things are improving with your parents too. Thanks for posting.

Arbiter of Good Taste

mattP wrote: »

Im hardly asking for the moon and the stars - I wouldn't mind if they did have a problem with me being gay tbh, as long as they kept anything offensive to themselves and treated me the same.
I don't like the need to label either, but its necessary:/ A guy who likes guys is gay, Im gay now and always have been. I always knew I liked boys and not girls, when the realisation hit me that that meant I was gay (sounds funny, I knew I liked boys, I knew boys who liked boys were gay, but those two thoughts didnt collide for some time) I was absolutely gutted. I would have killed to be straight. If, like you One Eyed Jack, I start liking girls in a few years (highly doubt it will happen but even so) so be it, I'll stay true to it and follow my heart.

You say you were gutted and would have killed to be straight, so have obviously given yourself time to digest the realisation and embrace being gay. Yet you expect your parents to accept it immediately. That's not fair.

I know what it's like to have a family member come out. It's tough. Not because I'm anti-gay, but because I realise the likelihood that parts of their life will be that much harder for them. If I could change places with them, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Give your parents time and space. You say they are making comments to you. If I was a betting woman, I'd say you probably aren't biting your tongue yourself. Let your parents stew. Allow them to process this and most of all remember they love you.

mattP

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote:

Give your parents time and space. You say they are making comments to you. If I was a betting woman, I'd say you probably aren't biting your tongue yourself. Let your parents stew. Allow them to process this and most of all remember they love you.

We've reached an agreement on it, an unspoken one anyway. They make little steps to take it on board, and I try be considerate regarding my boyfriend and affection when theyre around. Baby steps but we're getting there:o