Not being able to move on

Johnsie89

I am not gonna go into details here, it would be a long story...

Basically I had a thing with this girl for a few months, she made me believe that we would be together, told me all kind of nice things, she made me fall hopeless in love with her... and then, she decided she didn't want anything anymore. She had a "good" reason for this, which is not my fault, but she refused to explain to me, I had to find out the truth by myself... for months she let me think that I had done something wrong, I spent months thinking about everything, where I was wrong, only to find out that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't have done nothing.

Now she is in a relationship with another guy... I can't think about anything else. I know the things I have to do, avoid contact, avoid social media, but I am stupid and I didn't do it... I just saw a picture of them together and I don't even know how to say what I am feeling...

She has everything that I always wanted in a girl... I mean it. I know for a fact that I will never have another chance like this and that is what hurts the most. But yes, she has a lot of bad things, she is selfish, only care about her feelings and made me a fool...

I just wish I could focus on this bad things and think "you dodged a bullet here", but I can't. I just can't. I keep thinking about the good side, how she tickles all the boxes and now the worst... how another guy is with her, living everything she promised me.

What can I do? I am 27, but this is the first time I am feeling this and I am afraid I'm not strong enough to deal with it... a stronger person would think "ok, f*** it" and moved on, right? I don't know what to do...

The worst of all is that she doesn't even care! We talked sometimes after she started her relationship and in every conversation she was cold and selfish. She made all these things to me and now she is happy with her boyfriend and that's it. She is that kind of romantic girl, all about feelings and all that... and yet she can be this selfish, I can't understand how someone can be like this! I am so angry and frustrated.

When someone treats you so bad, it should be easier to move on, no? I can only think about the good side from her that I missed...

I don't think I can even tell this story to a friend, or relative... because I am ashamed of how stupid I was.

I think I just need to know from you if there is something else I can do... and if this is gonna go away, even with me being weak.

Dard23

You will get over this!! First of all believe that because at the moment I'm sure it feels impossible. Stop torturing yourself and refuse to look at anything with her on it! If ye are friends on social media delete her. You are powerless to change anything about this situation and you need to accept that, hard as it is now, and try your best to move on with your life. I'm sure you feel sick just at the sight and thought of her with someone else, that is normal at this stage, you are not the only person to experience that. You may feel you will never love/desire anyone as much as her but that is also not true. Once you really meet the right girl, you will realise that you and this girl were never meant to be. Maybe she is selfish, maybe you just weren't the one for her. Don't focus on those things, they are negative thoughts that will trigger negative emotions.
If you have a hobby focus on that! Particularly fitness based activities, they will help release stress and leave you feeling good about yourself. Eat well, sleep well, do not under any circumstances isolate yourself! Try your hardest not to think about it or her, impossible at first but you can train yourself over time and it will become so much easier, you will be able to cope. If you start feeling really depressed or you are already, go see your doctor. You may need chemical help for a time or to see a counsellor. Above all remember feelings are just feelings! The heart will heal itself, it just needs time. Don't do anything rash or stupid and remind yourself you are not the first person to go through this, many people have and came out the other side a stronger person.

A Primal Nut

You're 27, use it as an opportunity to enjoy single life. Get on tinder, travel, enjoy your hobbies, etc. I was in a similar position to you before, thinking a girl I wanted was the perfext girl for me.....looking back I realise that's not the case and I've had better relationships since.

I know plenty of people who settled down too early and regret not enjoying life more when they were young...so like I said turn this into an opportunity.

Jotunheim

Johnsie89 wrote: »

She has everything that I always wanted in a girl... I mean it.

If what you want in a girl is a total disregard for your feelings, then yes, she has everything you could want. If, however, you want someone who won't be so casual and make promises they won't keep, then great, now that you're finished with her you can go and find someone who will be better for you. Like you say though, you already know that, so just keep focussing on it and have enough respect for yourself to put it into action.

Exclamation Marc

Johnsie89 wrote: »

She has everything that I always wanted in a girl... I mean it. I know for a fact that I will never have another chance like this and that is what hurts the most. But yes, she has a lot of bad things, she is selfish, only care about her feelings and made me a fool...

You've already made the correct assumption here OP.

She made you a fool and deep down you know that the 'dream' girl would never do that to you.

There are people out there who will treat you right and respect you without having to ask. This girl ended it and didn't have the decency to tell you why. You've called this girl selfish numerous times in your post, is that your ideal girl? I know you're hurt but you know that your ideal girl is not going to be selfish to you. The hard fact is that one of the reasons that this hurts so much is that she is the one who made herself unavailable to you which can be a lot harder to stomach and move on from.

You just have to remind yourself that this girl is a selfish nightmare who didn't show you any respect. You're much better off. You said she ticked all the boxes but OP, you know yourself, she didn't. You owe yourself better than that.

Johnsie89

Thanks for all the replies.

I know that it doesn't make sense what I said about her being the one but being so selfish at the same time... but I can't shake the feeling that maybe if everything had worked out, she wouldn't be that way in a relationship. Maybe she is not being so awful to this guy she is dating now...

The reason that I found out and later she confirmed was a religious one... and I really believe her, I know it is truth. But it is a thing that she can't turn her back to, "I wasn't right" for her in her vision. The problem is that she led me to believe this wouldn't be a problem and when she decided that it would be enough reason to end it all, she didn't tell me. She only confirmed when I found out and asked her.

So, that is it. I can't stop thinking that, without this motive, maybe we would be together and all this selfshness only happens because she was determined to end things. In a relationship, she wouldn't be like that. Is that possible or you think that this is her way to be and, sooner or later, things would go wrong anyway?

Jotunheim

I don't even know some of that means, but I do know that it's all irrelevant, what happened happened. She didn't want to be with you and she had no respect for your feelings. Stop convincing yourself things would have been different, they wouldn't no matter what 'coz you'd still be the same two people.

Exclamation Marc

You only were with the girl a few months, I think you're looking into this far too much and putting way too much faith in what could have been. It's not as if you were married to the girl for years. You were still very much in the 'getting to know each other' phase.

She lost interest after a few months for whatever her reasons were and she met someone else who she is now with. She didn't even seem like the nicest person from what you're saying anyway and she walked away without giving you any reason at the time. Whether she lied or held something back or changed her mind during the course of the few months, it happened and it's not going to change.

Given how long it was going on, doing a post mortem on the relationship and getting so hung up on her just isn't going to get you anywhere. It's panned out the way it panned out, mainly down to her, so second guessing things and trying to rationalise or hang onto something is just fruitless and a waste of your time.

Put it down to something that was never going to work out and move on. You're 27, prime time to meet someone, so don't waste your time getting hung up on something that was only a few months long.