In need of help

LegacyUser

I'm in a really, really bad place right now.

Three weeks ago, my partner of 8 years has decided he no longer wants us to be together, and has found a new place and is moving out tomorrow.

I understand his reasons, but it doesn't take away from the fact my heart is broken. I was okay at the start, because he was still living here ( in a separate room) but we still sat watching tv in the evenings and talking as normal, with me getting upset and crying now and again.


However this weekend, he's been packing his stuff and will be moving out tomorrow, so this is his last night in the house we've shared for 6 years.
I've been pretty much hysterical all day, but trying to hide it. However I gave up hiding it a while ago, and have been pretty much crying non stop. The pain is unbearable. My skin is crawling, I'm sweating and shaking and my chest feels like its going to explode. I can't bear the thoughts of being alone, of coming home tomorrow and the next day and the next without him being here, of going to sleep alone, of waking up alone. Of weekends alone.

I'm 38, and the likelihood of me finding someone else like him is really, really slim. He was here for me during the death of my mum, losing my job, all my work and family difficulties, he was the one person I could depend on. He was my partner, and the love of my life.

I don't really have many friends, they've all moved on and gotten married and had babies, my family are unapproachable and generally unsupportive of any emotional issues.

My life is now just this huge, empty painful thing that I don't know how to cope with. I'm feeling very very low. I keep having panic attacks where I'm genuinely scared for my wellbeing, and I'm just not able to function. I've to go to work tomorrow as normal, but I know my concentration will be shot and I'll make mistakes.

I just feel like my life is over, and I've nothing to look forward to and the light has just gone out of it. I don't even know what responses I'm asking for specifically, I just don't want to be alone.

Tigger99

I'm so sorry, that's a huge shock. I went through similar a few years ago and barely ate or slept and didn't know how I'd survive. I didn't see any light. I adored that man.

But not only did I survive I now thank my lucky stars that we didn't stay together as tho it totally felt like it at the time, we weren't right for each other. I can honestly say that I'm the happiest now that I've ever been and I was only a few years younger than you.

I promise you that you will get through this. You are stronger than you think.

Oh and yes you won't find someone like him again because you will find someone that doesn't leave you.

LegacyUser

Thanks - I'm trying to tell myself that this will pass but right now it's just so hard, I have to go to work now shaking and crying, and when I come home he'll be gone.

This is one of the hardest days of my life. Im devastated.

Sleepless and Manic

Oh my god you poor thing!

Its one of the most horrible terrible things to have to go through. I'm so sorry. I know just what its like

but you will be okay,it will get better, it will improve. I know that sounds completely crazy right now but it really will.

The next few days will be hardest, maybe take a break for a few days? get away? change your routine a bit?

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Tell me how

Unfortunately no one can offer any magic words to immediately remove your pain.

This is the worst feeling in the world but it does not last forever.

Be kind to yourself, you don't need many friends, just one who will be good to you right now.

Don't be afraid to ask them straight out even if it just means going to their house for a coffee for an hour.

It might sound ridiculous but try not to worry about what might or might not happen in the future. Be gentle on yourself. Maybe have someone stay in the house with you for a couple of nights or stay elsewhere yourself for a night or 2.

If I was near you I'd give you a hug.

lazybones32

TotallyBereft wrote: »

Thanks - I'm trying to tell myself that this will pass but right now it's just so hard, I have to go to work now shaking and crying, and when I come home he'll be gone.

This is one of the hardest days of my life. Im devastated.

You will get through this day, and tomorrow and the day after. The sense of shock and loss seems unbearable but you must carry on.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much everyone. Your words are helping, its really making me feel less alone.

I left work early today as I was just in no state to be there, I came home and he had all his stuff in boxes downstairs, it was so so hard to see - I cried and cried for ages.
The movers were on their way so I just couldn't bear to see it, I went to my GP and cried and cried to him instead. He prescribed a small amount of xanax in a low dosage to get me over the panic attacks. meanwhile my ex ( It hurts to call him that now, that everything we had is gone to two letters now) text me to say the movers had left.

He was supposed to come back tonight to..I don't know, collect more stuff? Say a final goodbye? But then he text to say he wouldn't make it so I was almost relieved because I just can't take more crying..he still has a good bit of stuff left so he'll have to come back to collect that too, but it will most likely be during the day when I'm not here.

I also ate for the first time in days today (I've lost half a stone in the last week) , I took a xanax earlier and actually felt a bit better, so I went to McDonalds and treated myself.

I'm feeling a bit better now but I know there's more waves to come, and I'm very scared.

Sunflower 27

Hi OP

First of all, your life is not over, it just feels that way. One big chapter has closed and it is normal that you are sad, confused, empty, afraid and frightened of what the future will hold.

Nothing can ease the pain of heartbreak but time - and lots of it.

You may find it too difficult to stay living where you are. It may hold to many memories for you. Would you consider moving in with someone else, a houseshare with another woman? It may help you to have a bit of company.

Reach out to your friends, even the ones with babies. You need people around you to support you.

What you are experiencing is a bereavement - it is the loss of the person you loved and all the hopes and dreams that were tied in with them. Allow yourself to grieve what has been lost.

At 38 your life is far from over. Incidentally, I met my partner at 40 and he is far and above the sweetest, smartest and kindest man I have ever gone out with. Like you, after every breakup I questioned is this it for me? Will I meet someone else?

And I totally agree with the suggestion of getting a friend around, even if you don't feel like company. Having someone to talk to and bounce thoughts of will help you.

My heart truly broke reading your post. I have been where you are - many of us have - but we DO get through it eventually. Please try and remember that even when you are at your lowest point.

Take care of yourself. x

minalaury

My heart goes out to you. It's a dark place right now but you will get through it. Grief has a natural shelflife. It WILL run out. In the meantime, give yourself permission to wallow and take it easy in other parts of your life.

minalaury

Just to add: some counselling might help get you through this time.

Confucius say

You poor thing. Had a similar situation about 5 months ago and believe me I'm in a better place than I ever have been before right now. I'm 35 so not much younger. I started meditating from day one and it helped immensely. I urge you to check out headspace.com right away it's a great introduction. I met someone recently and they are amazing. It will get better if you want it to. Just take it one day At a time and let go of your ex. If I were you I'd initiate no contact right away as anytime you communicate in any way it will set you back to square one. Best of luck love.

rcarroll

what helped me was to think of it as your body is going through withdrawel - you will need to give it time, to let it get out of your system, then you will need to build new habits...that's all it is, a bodily reaction to a habit you've had for 8 years. And like any drug or whatever, it will take some time to get over the initial break, and then your mind will have to get used to the change, and you will have to learn to build a new life without the old habit there...it's possible, and you're not the only one to have done it, and inevitably, you will do it succesfully - there's no other option really.........and you know what, like any habit, in a year or however long or short it takes, you will find a new normalcy, your body will forget what it was like....but until that happens, my heart is with you and just know, people will be there if you reach out

Dial Hard

You say you don't really have any friends OP, so how about family? You really, really need a support network around you right now, even if all you feel like doing is curling up on the couch alone. Believe me, I've been there.

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone, so much.

I had a good night last night, I was able to eat, I watched tv, I was able to sleep, it was so nice.

Then of course this morning I wake up into a really bad panic attack again and I don't know how I'm going to go into work or get through the day.

My family know we broke up, but I think it was coming so long that they just said 'Oh right' when I said he was moving out, they wouldn't really be the type I could turn to with things like this. My mum would have been, she loved him a lot too and she would be so disappointed we broke up, she was always telling me how lucky I was to have found him, so I miss her support through this so much right now.

I'm starting counselling this evening because I really need some outside help. I lost contact with most of my friends after my mum died, my partner was really the only person I had in real life to turn to, so I mostly put myself in this position by not keeping up friendships.

I'm just so lost and alone, and I need the sick shaky panicky feelings to go.

LegacyUser

"I need the sick shaky panicky feelings to go."

And eventually they will- it doesn't feel like it today but they will.... It really wasn't meant to be. Someday you will understand that. Your strength will grow- believe in yourself, you will get through. You will have tough days ahead, no doubt but eventually they will be less and less. I will be thinking of you.

blossomhills

TotallyBereft, my heart absolutely bleeds for you right now. I've cried reading your posts because I know how totally devastating a situation like your own can be and feel like. I've been in a very similar situation. If there is one 'go to' person you can think of it would really help. Is there a neighbour, a colleague, a priest maybe, somebody who you could vent your emotions to at this time? Counselling is fantastic but one 'go to' person outside of this would also really help.

I felt unbelievably low when I was in you're situation too. I lost just over a stone weight in 2 weeks and just could not eat. It was like my world had collapsed. I found volunteering for a cause I really felt passionate about extremely helpful as you are surrounded by people who genuinely care about something and more often than not want to make new friends. It is hard to go at times but it really really helps.

From the bottom of my heart I wish you the very best. It is really really tough but you will get through this and come out the other side.

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone, your words mean a lot to me right now.

I've no go-to person, all my friends are online really, so I've nobody to go to when I need help, its just if they happen to be there or not. One friend is a huge help when she's there, but all my other friends while they ask me to their houses, they're all married with families and that's hard to see right now when I just lost all that and now it's something I'll never have, because I banked on my ex.

The mornings are exceptionally hard right now, I find I'm shaking and panicky until lunchtime when I start to pull out of it a bit, then the evenings are just a wave of numbness, which scares me as well because does that mean its not going to hit me again until next week or the week after, when people will expect me to be starting to get on with things?

He texts me to let me know when he's coming to get more of his stuff, and if I want him gone by the time I get home, I want to see and talk to him so badly but I have to say no I don't want to, and then I come home knowing he was here and I couldn't see him. Every time I see his texts my heart feels like its going to burst, and its so hard to reply and not say please come back, I miss you, I can't bear my life without you in it.

Neyite

TotallyBereft wrote: »

.. all my other friends while they ask me to their houses, they're all married with families and that's hard to see right now when I just lost all that and now it's something I'll never have, because I banked on my ex.

Please don't think that way. I know that must be adding to the feelings you have of the break up, but it was not your last chance - really and truly.

I know women who have began relationships in their late thirties and are married with a family now. I had my baby at just a year younger than you, and at age 40, I'm still trying to have another one - I reckon I've another couple of years before I need to call it a day on that. There are a couple of tests that can be run by a fertility clinic to see if you are nearing cut-off points for that.

People will tell you that there are woeful risks for a woman over 35 to have a baby and while it's true that there is an increased risk, women have been having babies in this country well into their forties thanks to the absence of contraception and the majority have turned out fine. Certainly my doctors have not cited my age as a potential issue for having another baby.

So on that score, you still have time - maybe 4-6 years even. Knowing that he hasn't wasted your chance to have a family might help with processing this break up for you.

LegacyUser

I got into work where all sorts of things are going wrong, then I get a reminder on my phone that today is his birthday and my heart just broke
I gave him the few presents I'd gotten him before he left but I had plans for his birthday and this weekend, his birthday was so special to me and now I'm wondering who he's spending it with and what he's doing to celebrate, and I'm just heartbroken, I miss him so much
I've a big meeting now in 10 minutes and I'm in my car with tears streaming down my face and there's just no end in sight for this pain.

Lollipops23

I went through something similar a few years ago- my mum lives abroad and actually came home for a few days as I just wasn't coping.

My advice- let yourself feel the way you do for a while. You've been productive in going to the doctor and counselling. For now just be good to yourself. Try and get some exercise and fresh air (I know, it's the last thing you feel like doing).

I promise it gets better with time- not overnight, but bit by bit you'll find yourself smiling a bit more each day, sleeping better at night, and even getting through a day without crying (that one took me a while).

Reach out to old friends- tell them what's happened and that you really need to keep yourself busy. Anyone who's ever been through similar knows immediately how important it is and how much pain you're in.

For now, take care of yourself. Treat yourself to nice things and pamper yourself a bit. You will feel better, I promise.

Merkin

My heart really goes out to you OP. The great news is though that the end of one chapter invariably denotes the beginning of a new one, often far more exciting and 'right' then what went before. I had my heart broken to pieces at 33 and at thirty six was married to the love of my life and we've a gorgeous baby to boot! I remember in the wake of the break up I felt absolutely devastated but I see now it just wasn't right and I'm glad it happened (although the pain at the time seemed unbearable).

Be good to yourself. Give yourself time. Equally, you mention he texts a lot etc. that has got to stop. Contact him and tell him to do one definitive clear out of your home so he won't have to keep contacting you. I'd then ask him to cease and desist. He needs to give you space to heal and being in touch is just damaging. Forget about being friends or keeping in touch.

TotallyBereft wrote: »

Thanks again everyone, so much.My family know we broke up, but I think it was coming so long that they just said 'Oh right' when I said he was moving out

May I ask why you split up? The above struck me that it's something that may have been coming down the tracks for a while. It's often a useful exercise to really understand why it didn't work out rather than mourning something you perceived to be perfect so that's worth devoting some time to and will help you move on quicker.

You will be fine. Each day your little heart will mend that bit more. Sending you best wishes.

I really feel for you OP. I have no words of wisdom other than to say it does get better. The knot in your stomach loosens and you begin to live your life again. I've been there. Unfortunately there is no quick fix. I remember wishing I could just skip the crap feelings, sleep through them or something, and come out the other side. But you have to feel all the feelings. They will come and they will pass.

As strange as it may seem pain adds depth to your character OP. Empathy, compassion, and the awareness that you survived this awful occurrence and you will survive the rest or what life throws at you. Stay strong x.

LegacyUser

OP, this time last year my partner of three years broke up with me very unexpectedly. I was devastated. We spent all of our time together and friends I'd been close to before the relationship were hard to reach out to because through my own fault I hadn't been out with them or seeing them as much when I was so involved in the relationship.

I spent weeks feeling sad and empty and having no appetite, just as you described. My ex was very kind to me during that time and I could have seen him, but it seemed better not to. One thing I figured out was that I kept wanting to spend time with the person I loved, but it didn't matter if he was physically there in front of me, because he wasn't that person anymore. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like when you go through a break up, it's actually a past version of the person that you miss.

Anyway, I just wanted to post and say that things slowly got brighter. And a year on I am seeing someone new and I can eat and breathe and smile. And you will too.

Ladybird37

Hi OP,

My heart breaks for you reading through this thread, I can't add to the great advice that you have already received but wanted to say that I really feel for you. It truly is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Take time to grieve for your relationship, be kind to yourself and although you feel awful now, it will pass!

Such a cliche but time really is a healer. Best of luck with everything x

Magicmatilda

A couple of practical things that might help

Going for a walk in the evenings - would get you out of the house and also release some endorphins.
Can you arrange a break away or a holiday - there are lenty of yoga breaks, surf breaks etc where you can go on your own. Getting away would helped. It helped me in the past.
Can you ask your friends to come to you. You say they are married but even with Children they can surely still get away for an hour or two to meet for a tea?
Can you make plans now for the weekend, people to visit etc..
Join Meetup.com there are loads of group doing different things and most people go alone. Theatre, hiking, comedy, music, everything really.

Remember this will pass but it will take time.

Also is he texting you alot. Can you not ask him to get everything out in one go so you can cut contact. It will help.

I hope you feel better soon.

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone. This thread is helping so much, you've no idea. Even just to post here and get it out is so much help.

He's only text a few times since I last saw him - once to say he was gone from the house, and it was safe for me to come back, and the second time to say he was coming to pick some stuff up and did I want to see him or would I prefer if he came before I got home, when I said I'd prefer he came while I was gone, he said he would do whatever caused me the least amount of pain. I know he's cut up about this too, he didn't want to hurt me, he's a really good kind man, and only ever has the best intentions. However I really can't focus on how he's feeling about all this, its no longer my concern how he feels and what he does really

Merkin wrote: »

May I ask why you split up? The above struck me that it's something that may have been coming down the tracks for a while. It's often a useful exercise to really understand why it didn't work out rather than mourning something you perceived to be perfect so that's worth devoting some time to and will help you move on quicker.

It had been coming a while - we got engaged a few years ago the happiest day of my life, but it was shortly after my mother died and I was so sad I couldn't tell her. And then with the wedding planning, it was getting to me more and more that she wouldn't be there on my wedding day, and she would have loved it so much, that I started to get really depressed. So he told me he wasn't happy and he didn't think we should get married just yet, but wanted to continue living together etc.
Then again a year ago he said he wasn't happy, but didn't want to break up. We'd just fallen into a rut, I'd been made redundant and gotten a new job that was really stressful, his job is stressful, my family situation is stressful, and I think it just drove us apart. We just grew apart, but still remained very close. There was still nobody else I would go to with things, but he grew close to a girl in work and was confiding in her about our relationship. So she was advising him that maybe we should break up - I don't think there was anything going on between them, but I think she gave him the idea that there's more to life than being stuck with me. (She's a lot lot younger than me).

Also I have a lot of pets, but he doesn't really like them and I think they were starting to annoy him having to share a house with their noise and mess - although I had to have one of them put to sleep today and I'm heartbroken about that too.


So whatever his reasons, he says it wasn't my fault and I'm a great person, he just doesn't see it working out, but obviously there's something I need to fix so I'm hoping the counselling can help me with that.

lazybones32

Op, don't expect too much of yourself too soon. The heartache is going to be there for a while. The waves can catch you off guard in the beginning but soon enough you'll recognise them before they arrive and you will be less messed up after them.

What plans have you made for this weekend? If you like animals, is there a animal shelter where you could volunteer to walk the dogs Saturday morning? This will help you in the socialising aspect too, since there'll be other volunteers there. You need to get out of the house - go watch some street entertainment. You need some bit of distraction to take your mind off this.

LegacyUser

The pain this morning was awful
I woke up stomach churning and in a cold sweat, the anxiety was really bad. I don't know how I'm going to work through this. Its just too overwhelming.

lazybones32 wrote: »

Op, don't expect too much of yourself too soon. The heartache is going to be there for a while. The waves can catch you off guard in the beginning but soon enough you'll recognise them before they arrive and you will be less messed up after them.

What plans have you made for this weekend? If you like animals, is there a animal shelter where you could volunteer to walk the dogs Saturday morning? This will help you in the socialising aspect too, since there'll be other volunteers there. You need to get out of the house - go watch some street entertainment. You need some bit of distraction to take your mind off this.

I'm going to go look at some houses on Saturday morning - but even that's hard because we should be moving into our home together - but I need to find somewhere to live.

I might go down home - my family aren't very supportive but it might help to be around people. I need to get it out of the way too as there's lots of memories associated with him there as well so I need to get that over with

HoneyBee78

TotallyBereft I've been following your thread and I have to say my heart goes out to you, I went through similar just over 1.5yrs ago, finished with my fiancé of 17years. I was the same as you Id cry for days and Id be lucky if I got through one whole day without crying. I remember everyone giving me advice, everything happens for a reason, time will heal, etc etc and I just wished I could fast forward past the pain of it all. All I can say is that it does actually get easier. I had that horrible pain in my chest, it literally felt like there was a big gaping hole in my heart! The feeling was horrible and I thought it'd never go away but I promise you it does. I wont lie, for me it was a long process but that pain is gone now and I can go weeks without shedding a tear. I'm still on my little journey, I'm not where I want to be just yet but I'm getting there so that's good enough for me.
Let yourself cry, spoil yourself you deserve it, you're grieving. Don't put too much pressure on yourself but give yourself some praise for the little things like even getting out of bed and making it to work cos I know how hard that is. Have you any hobbies? Make new friends if you can. Most of my friends are married with kids but I made new friends through hobbies and I try to plan nights out with them whenever I can.
The house hunting is a good idea, I'm in the same house we shared so I literally changed things, painted the rooms, changed some furniture, made it more girly and now it feels more like my home.
I'm so sorry about your pet too, you seem to be dealing with a lot at the moment but this will in the long run make you stronger. Have you started your counselling? Keep also posting on here, this forum was a lift saver for me last year, hugs op xx

LegacyUser

My heart really goes out to you.. I really wish there was something I could do.. <SNIP>. Sometimes spilling all out to a stranger can help. You're never too old to make friends.

LegacyUser

Thanks HoneyBee78, it helps to hear that. I'm sorry you got hurt too, and I hope things keep getting better for you.

Today is especially hard, heading into my first weekend without him, the world is a very dark place right now, I'm just feeling this enormous grief and I'm just so anxious.
I've so much to sort out but everything is memories and pain. My dad is putting a bit of pressure on me to move back to my home town, I haven't lived there in over 18 years and I know nobody and have no friends there, but I'm starting to wonder if I should just get away from Dublin as every street is a memory of him and of us.

CaraMay

Don't do anything rash like moving. You will get through this. Every morning you wake up, you are one day closer to being over him. Can you rake a few days off work and head home?

LegacyUser

Ok so it's Sunday night, and I made it through the weekend.
I was very panicky and tearful Saturday morning, and again this morning, but I got through it and that's the main thing.
There's a lot more to get through, he has to come and get the rest of his stuff and I guess we have to be in contact regarding notice on the house and winding down all the stuff we shared, but I'm a bit more confident I can get through it.

Thanks again everyone, this thread has been a lifeline for me the past week.

Tigger99

I'm glad that you are taking it day by day. Thinking of you

Hi OP, I can't really add much to the great advice you've got already, but I really feel for you as I was in your situation almost a year ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but in hindsight I'm glad it happened. You are going to feel like crap for a while, don't beat yourself up about it as you need to work through all the emotions. Gradually you'll get stronger and one day you'll realise you haven't thought about him at all that day. That will take a few months but you'll get there.

conor8989

TotallyBereft wrote: »

I'm in a really, really bad place right now.

Three weeks ago, my partner of 8 years has decided he no longer wants us to be together, and has found a new place and is moving out tomorrow.

I understand his reasons, but it doesn't take away from the fact my heart is broken. I was okay at the start, because he was still living here ( in a separate room) but we still sat watching tv in the evenings and talking as normal, with me getting upset and crying now and again.


However this weekend, he's been packing his stuff and will be moving out tomorrow, so this is his last night in the house we've shared for 6 years.
I've been pretty much hysterical all day, but trying to hide it. However I gave up hiding it a while ago, and have been pretty much crying non stop. The pain is unbearable. My skin is crawling, I'm sweating and shaking and my chest feels like its going to explode. I can't bear the thoughts of being alone, of coming home tomorrow and the next day and the next without him being here, of going to sleep alone, of waking up alone. Of weekends alone.

I'm 38, and the likelihood of me finding someone else like him is really, really slim. He was here for me during the death of my mum, losing my job, all my work and family difficulties, he was the one person I could depend on. He was my partner, and the love of my life.

I don't really have many friends, they've all moved on and gotten married and had babies, my family are unapproachable and generally unsupportive of any emotional issues.

My life is now just this huge, empty painful thing that I don't know how to cope with. I'm feeling very very low. I keep having panic attacks where I'm genuinely scared for my wellbeing, and I'm just not able to function. I've to go to work tomorrow as normal, but I know my concentration will be shot and I'll make mistakes.

I just feel like my life is over, and I've nothing to look forward to and the light has just gone out of it. I don't even know what responses I'm asking for specifically, I just don't want to be alone.

wow thats so funny im a 38 year old guy and that has just happened to me honest to god i could have written your letter 6 years and my ex just finished it now im in a box bedroom with my stuff in two black bags how do you start again where do u go to meet someone new well the anser is i just dont know but theres got to be someone else out there there has to be im only 38 not 98 well thats my rant over thanks

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to check back in. I made it through another week. I had a much better week than the week before, work was stressful as I spent a lot of time trying to fix mistakes I'd made the week before
I'm feeling much better, the panic attacks are only in the mornings now and the rest of the day I'm fine, I don't have the knot in my stomach any more. I spoke to him briefly online during the week and knowing that he doesn't regret his decision and is still happy to be apart, made me feel a bit better, I still love him so much and I want him to be happy, so it's best I move on and let him have that happiness. I miss him a lot and I'm very lonely, but I'll work on getting back out into society.

I still have some hard days ahead, I'm not looking forward to packing my things and moving out, and all the memories I have of here ... but I'll get through it.

Thanks again everyone, your advice got me through some of the darkest days of my life.

Merkin

I'm so glad you're feeling a bit better OP. As the thread seems to have fulfilled its purpose I am going to close it now but if at any stage you need to have it reopened just drop a PM to any of the Mods. Best of luck.