Embarrassed by my bf's actions

blossomhills

I feel bad posting alongside issues which seem so profound in comparison to my own but I will keep it brief...I'm just interested to see what some others think, perhaps I am overreacting...

When my bf comes to visit me in my parents home now and again he will often, without shame get up from the chair and root in the fridge or cupboards for food. He won't necessarily get a plate for himself and fill up without asking but if he feels hungry or sees food he likes in the kitchen he will ask and work away. My family are in general very generous and would never say no but I know they are always shocked by it. Maybe its just me but it makes me die with embarrassment. He doesn't 'eat us out of house and home' but my parents work really hard to fill the fridge for my younger siblings and things are at times tight. Honestly, I find what he does disgusting. Alongside my own thoughts, growing up I was taught strict manners of how to act in somebody elses' house and this certainly would have justified a good smacking when I got home if I acted like this! So I know I'm biased..
I've spoken to him about it before and told him how annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted I feel when he does it but he fails to see my POV entirely. I sometimes feel that if he weren't so miserly and brought food to the house now and again it would justify his actions but he doesn't...

Dial Hard

Oh dear. "Annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted" are never good words to be using about a partner.

I think there's a confluence of issues at play here, OP. It sounds like he may have been brought up in a family where guests were invited to and expected to help themselves, and that's what he's doing. Meanwhile, your family dynamic may be "We invite you to help yourself but are actually a bit put out when you take us up on it." And he keeps turning up with his arms swinging, which is just exacerbating the situation.

I grew up in a family where "Help yourself" to guests meant exactly that. But my folks would never have let any of us show up at someone's house empty-handed. You need to let your partner know what the dynamic/etiquette is with your folks. Simple as.

StripedBoxers

I feel sorry for your boyfriend after reading the opening post.

I mean honestly, its food. Do you actually, seriously expect your boyfriend, a guest in your home, to bring enough food for himself, in case he gets hungry?

I would be mortified if my family were like that. It stinks of meanness. It really does. Would you prefer if he starved?

Honestly if this is how are you now, I would be running for the hills if I was him.

I can't even begin to understand your families logic. I can't imagine telling anyone that I felt or feel "annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted" because they got food in a house because they are hungry.

When you invite someone into your home, and tell them to help themselves, be prepared for them to do just that, to help themselves. Plenty of people won't, but some will, so if you don't mean it, and you don't want them to help themselves, then don't say it.

DoYouEvenLift

...close friends and partners should feel comfortable enough to just help themselves while they're in your home, unless you'd prefer them to feel too uncomfortable and feign politeness and go hungry or leave to get food and then return, which seems ridiculous to me.

I'd agree with expecting him/people in general to bring something out of politeness though.

LegacyUser

I'd also be shocked at his behaviour OP. I mean there's 'help yourself' to bowls of dinner stuff already laid out on the table - which is grand, like go ahead, but he should never help himself to the extent of there being not enough left for others.

Then there's him interpreting 'help yourself' to clearing out any stock of food in the fridge! Really rude. Especially if money is tight.

He sounds really inconsiderate. I can't believe that you've highlighted this to him and he still keeps behaving this way. It's just so rude in my opinion, and inconsiderate to his hosts circumstances. Like there could be lots of reasons why it's not ok for him to behave like he has bought/cooked the food: money, convenience (why should your folks have to shop again, just because he's a hungry hound), who else around the table wants food.

Just really selfish and rude behaviour, like a small kid will just take whatever they want, because they don't know any better!

CaraMay

There are lots of contradictions in your post.

So if he seems something he likes in the kitchen he asks if he can have some. Then when he does get some food he doesn't eat you out of house and home. What is he doing that's so rude?

Why wait for him to bring something to your parents house? If you are both visiting then both of you bring something.

kylith

I'm finding your attitude hard to fathom, OP. I mean he asks if it's ok if he has some and he's presumably told that he can, so what's rude about it? If he was told it was being kept for some reason would he take it anyway? Whenever I've brought people to my parent's home my mum's made it clear that she's not going to wait on them and if they're hungry at any stage they're big enough to find the fridge.

Perhaps say to him that it'd be nice to bring a small gift to your parents to thank them for their hospitality but I don't see what's so bad about somebody making themselves the odd sandwich.

lawred2

blossomhills wrote: »

I feel bad posting alongside issues which seem so profound in comparison to my own but I will keep it brief...I'm just interested to see what some others think, perhaps I am overreacting...

When my bf comes to visit me in my parents home now and again he will often, without shame get up from the chair and root in the fridge or cupboards for food. He won't necessarily get a plate for himself and fill up without asking but if he feels hungry or sees food he likes in the kitchen he will ask and work away. My family are in general very generous and would never say no but I know they are always shocked by it. Maybe its just me but it makes me die with embarrassment. He doesn't 'eat us out of house and home' but my parents work really hard to fill the fridge for my younger siblings and things are at times tight. Honestly, I find what he does disgusting. Alongside my own thoughts, growing up I was taught strict manners of how to act in somebody elses' house and this certainly would have justified a good smacking when I got home if I acted like this! So I know I'm biased..
I've spoken to him about it before and told him how annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted I feel when he does it but he fails to see my POV entirely. I sometimes feel that if he weren't so miserly and brought food to the house now and again it would justify his actions but he doesn't...

What he is doing is entirely normal in most homes.. and he does actually ask before proceeding so I can't see much to fault in his actions at all.

You might need to explain the sensitivities involved here. He simply doesn't know that this is such offensive behaviour.

You being embarrassed and ashamed is hardly healthy.

Personally speaking, I'd be running for the hills from you really.

Also referring to him as a guest when he is in fact your boyfriend is rather cold.

alchemist33

I must be reading a different OP to others. Theres no indication he asks or is told to help himself. In this case I would definitely find this rude. After twenty years, I'd still ask in my in-laws house, even if I was looking for something for my kids/their grandkids.

lawred2

alchemist33 wrote: »

I must be reading a different OP to others. Theres no indication he asks or is told to help himself. In this case I would definitely find this rude. After twenty years, I'd still ask in my in-laws house, even if I was looking for something for my kids/their grandkids.

Read again then.

joeguevara

alchemist33 wrote: »

I must be reading a different OP to others. Theres no indication he asks or is told to help himself. In this case I would definitely find this rude. After twenty years, I'd still ask in my in-laws house, even if I was looking for something for my kids/their grandkids.

It says he asks and then eats.

Baron Kurtz

How ravenous is this guy?:). He can't spend a few hours in a person's house without sating his appetite time and again (presumably after having a meal - not sure if this might be the case generally). He needs a bit of self control from what I can glean. What age is he? 4?:)

sabhail

How long are you together? Tbh if he embarrasses you so much, and it doesn't really make a difference if its justified, then can't see relationship lasting. Also he seems to be unwilling to see your point of view.

Yea, I have to agree with the others. My family has always made partners feel absolutely welcome to anything they wanted in our house, without ever asking. I mean, they're essentially part of the family, why not treat them as such?

B0jangles

I would find this kind of behaviour very annoying, particularly when you mention that things can be tight and there are multiple younger siblings. Nothing more irritating than thinking you have enough of something to make the dinner or make school lunches for the kids and finding that some fecker has scoffed all the ham!

Going by the OP, it's not like he's been offered everything but secretly is expected to refuse, he asks and then starts helping himself - what are the parents supposed to say without seeming mean?

alchemist33

lawred2 wrote: »

Read again then.

I did, three times, and still missed it. I will never post before breakfast again!

lawred2

alchemist33 wrote: »

I did, three times, and still missed it. I will never post before breakfast again!

lol

happens to us all

Oryx

You and your boyfriend were brought up with very different codes of behaviour. You're coming from a strict background when it comes to visiting others. He must not be. The problem is not how he behaves, which would be just fine in a lot of relationships, but that there is such a difference in how you both see this. It is not disgusting behaviour. Its just not what you were taught. He needs to realise its unacceptable in your house, and that he needs to ingratiate himself more with your folks, and tbh, you need to lighten up a little and not see this as such a dreadful thing.

Bring cake or something when you visit as a couple, preempt your fellas scavenger hunts for food by asking if he would like something and get it with him. Teach by your example what constitutes polite behaviour in your house.

When you're at his house, how does his family make you feel?

scrimshanker

OP, genuinely curious. Do you expect him to go hungry while visiting you? If not, what do you want him to do?

There's two issues here. One is the food (really stingy of you to begrudge him enough to feel full. Some people are grazers and need to eat between meals). The other issue is showing up empty handed all the time.

On the first one it doesn't sound like he's taking the p, he asks, is given the go ahead and doesn't take a huge amount. If there's some stuff that really is meant for the younger siblings, you can always say "Oh yeah, go ahead but just don't take any of the X, that's for lunches." offer noodles or something else cheap and filling. The problem here really is not with him. He's hungry, what would you have him do?

On the second one, tell him to bring an apple tart next time.

tinz18

I don't see the problem with this. My boyfriend is the same and as he's my addition to the house I always bring a load of sandwich stuff to the house or give my parents a few bob for the next shop. It would be unheard of him bringing anything except a pack of sweets or biscuits (he's only been visiting a year it takes a while to lose guest status).

The first time I brought him home he behaved with your ideal and ate barely any food because he was too polite to say he was hungry. The result was several bad hypos and him feeling like crap for days (he's diabetic). The next time I showed him that we're a take care of yourself crowd and he was suprised how happy my mother was at him eating a several layered sandwich (she overstocks the fridge so too much is leftover after we're gone if its not usedplus he'd volunteer to make sambos for everyone.)

Tbh OP I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone that I was so scathing and horrible describing, it doesn't seem like you have much respect for him. However if it concerns you that much buy a load of bread ham and cheese and bring it with you to the house or give your parents a few euros to help them out. I'd be horrified if I brought someone to the house and I felt that they couldn't eat if they were hungry.

Sunflower 27

It depends how you were brought up. If you would feel uncomfortable going to the fridge in someone's home then of course it will feel odd if a partner does it in yours.

I would not take food from my boyfriend's parents place because that is just the way I am. If he went to my mum's and did it, I would feel that was wrong.

Maybe a big part to do with it is that I was raised in a family with very little money and those that lived in my neighbourhood did not have much either. It just wasn't the done thing to eat other people's food.

OP, have your parents said anything about him?

Joeseph Balls

If I asked my mother in law for permission to get food in her house she'd probably slap me. And she doesn't need to ask in mine.
Aren't ye supposed to be family?
Disgusted is a strong word op, unless he eats it off the floor.

Joeseph Balls

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

It depends how you were brought up. If you would feel uncomfortable going to the fridge in someone's home the of course it will feel IDD a partner doing it in yours.

I would not take food from my boyfriend's patents place because that is just the way I am. If he went to my mum's and did it, I would feel that was wrong.

Maybe a big part to do with it is that I was raised in a family with very little money and those that lived in my neighbourhood did not have much either. It just wasn't the done this to eat other people's food.

Have your parents said anything about him?

I was raised with very little too. We were thought to share. I don't think it comes into it to be honest.

Sunflower 27

Joeseph Balls wrote: »

I was raised with very little too. We were thought to share. I don't think it comes into it to be honest.

It is not about sharing at all. It was, in my case, not taking what little others had.

Sinall

Everyone's family has a different 'culture' so to speak. Not wrong; just different.

I wouldn't open the fridge and start eating away in my partner's parents' house and he wouldn't do it with my parents. However, other people might do be fine with that.

He probably needs to read the situation a bit better - we all have to suss out what is appropriate and get to grips with the dynamic in other people's houses. That's par for the course. You could do with relaxing about it - he's not doing anything bad or deliberately hurtful!

Joeseph Balls

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

It is not about sharing at all. It was, in my case, not taking what little others had.

I didn't mean it like that sorry. But when visitor came like the op, uncles, aunts etc they were welcome to the food. I find it a bit anal family members asking for permission. It's not the bf's first time there like. Fair enough if it was his first time meeting them.

scrimshanker

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

It is not about sharing at all. It was, in my case, not taking what little others had.

Funny, I was raised in a very affluent area and neither I nor any of my friends would have dreamed of helping ourselves! It's seen as rude honestly. It's not yours so don't take without being offered.

I'd see a partner as a bit different though if they're visiting and staying the night. Just for the day, no different, but staying longer you can't expect them to be hungry if there's food there. Within reason! And it does sound like the bf is being reasonable but could do with bringing something now and then.

Sunflower 27

Sinall wrote: »

Everyone's family has a different 'culture' so to speak. Not wrong; just different.

I wouldn't open the fridge and start eating away in my partner's parents' house and he wouldn't do it with my parents. However, other people might do be fine with that.

He probably needs to read the situation a bit better - we all have to suss out what is appropriate and get to grips with the dynamic in other people's houses. That's par for the course. You could do with relaxing about it - he's not doing anything bad or deliberately hurtful!

I agree with this post.

So much depends on your own family and the rules that are a part of that.

I remember having a boyfriend many years ago now who was well off. Whenever we went to his house, his mother put on a huge spread and always said to help myself. It just didn't sit well with me and I never 'helped myself'.

When the same bf came to visit my mum for lunch, I suggested we stop off on the way and get some food to bring with us. He could not get his head around the fact that I wanted to bring food. He did not realise that my mum just didn't have the money to spend on all nice food for us. I had a good job and it did not bother me at all, so it was only natural to me that I bring food and wine etc.

The guy is not going to starve. I imagine he is being given his meals in the house. If he wants snacks it isn't like he is forced to sit in his room and is not allowed out to buy them.

Next time, bring your own snacks if you feel bad about him helping yourself to your mum's food, OP. I personally think people have been quite harsh on you on here and for what it's worth, if my partner went looking in my mum's fridge I too would feel off about it. Purely because it is clear she does not have a lot of money and my partner is more than capable of buying his own snacks. It is just the way we are. It does NOT mean you are selfish. To be honest, I think at least in my case it shows I have respect for my mum and her situation.

Sunflower 27

Joeseph Balls wrote: »

If I asked my mother in law for permission to get food in her house she'd probably slap me. And she doesn't need to ask in mine.

But that is your family, not everyone's. We cant expect all people to feel the same way about things. Has the OP's mother been to the boyfriend's place? Has he told her 'eat whatever you like?'

Diamond Doll

I'm on the fence about this.

I can see why you're embarrassed by this, if it's not seen as appropriate behaviour in your parents house. And come on, we all like our partners to be on their best behaviour when around our families when possible.

I also think it's a bit off that he didn't stop doing it when you asked him not to. (Then again, it does sound like you may have been unnecessarily confrontational about it.)

I have to admit I've been slightly on edge when I've been in my parents' house, and my brother's girlfriend comes into the house without knocking, saunters into the kitchen and starts helping herself to anything she wants from the presses. My parents themselves would never begrudge it a bit, it's just not what I would consider good manners in someone else's home, no matter how well you know them.

Then again I don't think it reflects particularly well on your parents that they don't seem to be offering him food when he visits, or at least not enough food, when they obviously know from past experience that he's a big eater! But maybe it is a case that they honestly can't afford it.

The really obvious solution is, next time you visit, bring along a loaf of bread along with some meat and salady bits (maybe ones from a nice deli!), and maybe a cake. Or indeed whatever else he's likely to eat. Encourage him to eat from that if he's hungry, and leave the rest behind for your parents and siblings. My own parents used to often do this when we were visiting relatives when we were younger - there were seven kids in our family, they didn't expect the relatives to have to feed all of us! It means no awkwardness, everyone is happy, and you've avoided some unnecessary conflict.

giggle84

I'm with the OP on this one, although I think the language used to describe how she feels about her BF is a bit strong! My folks are very easy going and my BF would always be offered tea, biscuits, sandwiches, etc. when we're visiting. If there's food out it will be offered. Or if we call in and we haven't eaten I'll mention it and we'll eat something and that wouldn't be a problem at all.

But if we were in my parents' house and my BF got up and opened the fridge and said oh look yoghurts, can I have one? I would be mortified. My parents would of course say yeah no problem but I don't think they'd be happy with his attitude. If the odd time he said listen I'm starving do you mind if I put the kettle on then that would be no issue at all, but it probably wouldn't come to that because he would have been offered tea/food already.

OP.. is it that nothing is offered and he's genuinely hungry and that's why he asks for food?

Sunflower 27

I agree, this little piggy, especially about the 'manners' part.

I think that is what is off about this behaviour to me. It shows a distinct lack of manners to nosy around in someone's fridge, but of course, I accept not everyone feel that way.

None of my friends do it, probably because my fridge has a padlock on it.

It would entirely depend on how long the relationship has been going on for. Sure, in a relatively new one that might be seen as odd, but anything that's anywhere near established would surely be seen as being part of the family!

Quadrature

You need to explain your family culture to him to be honest.

I've had the other extreme - my ex called up to my grandmothers for a weekend and brought basic groceries, her own food (ready meals from M&S) and even her own toilet rolls!

My gran was bemused and actually very insulted as she's big into cooking and actually enjoys making meals and whipping up food for visitors.

You've got to be a little careful with this kind of thing as different individuals and families have different levels of income, different attitudes to food and guests.

You're assuming your boyfriend knows things he doesn't know. Being insulted / offended by someone's lack of awareness of something they're just oblivious to is a road to relationship conflict. Families often have social norms that can seem totally alien to other families although we all think our family's way of doing things is totally normal because that's how we were brought up.

People aren't psychic and you'll just have to explain how your family operates.

Also if you're finding your boyfriend embarrassing you really should consider if you're compatible at all?

You shouldn't be trying to mould / change someone else.

Neyite

Every family has their own pattern and etiquette. It's up to you to explain to him that the "yes, please help yourself" at your parents home really means the opposite. I'm sure he would be embarrassed if he realised that he is committing an unknown faux-pas to the extent that his girlfriend and her family are shocked, disgusted, embarrassed and annoyed.

He is not a mind reader, so explain it to him.

Which brings me on to the next point. Being shocked, disgusted, embarrassed and annoyed is acceptable when he's done something truly disgusting or outrageous, like make a pass at your mother, punch your father or pass out with drink and wee on the sofa but its a really OTT reaction when someone helps themselves from the fridge after they have been told to help themselves from the fridge.

Quadrature

There's also the very Irish and also very British thing of going "oh help yourself! Make yourself at home love!"

Followed by (once the guest it gone) "what a (beeping) Liberty! He nearly ate me out of house and home!"

(see Catherine Tate's Nan character <the cockney pensioner> for a perfect demo of how this works)

This notion that hospitality should be offered but also refused as it's not intended really and only a politeness comes across a lot in both of these islands!

MagicMarker

giggle84 wrote: »

I'm with the OP on this one, although I think the language used to describe how she feels about her BF is a bit strong! My folks are very easy going and my BF would always be offered tea, biscuits, sandwiches, etc. when we're visiting. If there's food out it will be offered. Or if we call in and we haven't eaten I'll mention it and we'll eat something and that wouldn't be a problem at all.

But if we were in my parents' house and my BF got up and opened the fridge and said oh look yoghurts, can I have one? I would be mortified. My parents would of course say yeah no problem but I don't think they'd be happy with his attitude. If the odd time he said listen I'm starving do you mind if I put the kettle on then that would be no issue at all, but it probably wouldn't come to that because he would have been offered tea/food already.

OP.. is it that nothing is offered and he's genuinely hungry and that's why he asks for food?

I agree with this.

I think we need more context here. If he's staying the night and feels a bit hungry then he should obviously be free to help himself to a snack etc.

But does he do this if he's visiting for an hour? That I would find completely inappropriate. I don't even do this when I visit my mum!

giggle84

OP, from reading your post it sounds like you live at home? Could you (and your BF if this is a regular thing) do your own shopping and have your own shelf in the fridge that he can help himself to? My friend and her BF do this as they both live at home and spend a lot of time in her parents' house, he has a huge appetite and they know it wouldn't be fair to expect her parents to feed them so they have their own food and he can go to the fridge and help himself.

LegacyUser

Maybe I've just got a totally different view on this but a lot of people are talking about the boyfriend being hungry and you can't let him starve and they shouldn't be leaving him hungry or should know by now he's a big eater but was he invited around for lunch/diner/food or were they just popping in to say hello? Were they there for hours or just a short visit? Context is important here.

I've an aunt who likes very strange food so I never look forward to visiting her, it's always some werid new thing she's found to cook but I smile and say thank you and then hit up the chipper when I leave and stuff my face. I would expect to be offered a cup of tea and maybe a biscut visting someone but if I wasn't invited around for a meal I don't expect my OH or my own family to feed me. Why doesn't he just feed himself before going and/or after?

Sunflower 27

can't log in wrote: »

Why doesn't he just feed himself before going and/or after?

Yes, there seems to be this idea that if he doesn't eat he will die of starvation. He is not a toddler. He has legs, he go can get food somewhere himself if he wants to snack after his dinner.

If the OP asked him not to do it (for whatever reason) and he still does, he sounds arrogant as well.

OneOfThem

I work as a tradesman, 99% domestic work, and as such can be in and out circa 300 homes in a year. I've been at it for 15 years. Today I worked for a Senator, a couple of months ago in a council flat, so it's a broad mix across all sections of society. Far far more common in Ireland is for people to practically assault you with food and drinks when a guest in thier home, than begrudge one something. Far more common. It's not even close. I sometimes basically feel like I've to put forward an in depth thesis on my reasons for not wanting a bloody tomato sandwich or slice of cake. It's not uncommon to have to repeatedly throughout the day insist I am OK and do not want something. It can get tiresome. And I'm basically a complete stranger the majority of the time, not the person that may be help give them grandchildren.

The point I'm trying to make with the above rambling is that your particular view on your boyfriend asking can he have a yogurt or sandwich or whatever when a guest in someone's home, is by quite a long way a minority one. Therefore I feel it's quite unfair for you to adopt the stance that he is "in the wrong" or "should know better" or whatever. Most people aren't like your family in this regard (that's if your parents even hold the same view as you do - you haven't mentioned them saying anything of the sort - are you sure they even give a crap and you're not just projecting?), quite the opposite, so I can see why your boyfriend thinks you're probably just be being daft.

I think you should probably ask your parents if they think anything of him asking for a slice of cake or whatever when he's over.

If you would like to bring a bottle of wine or food of some sort or whatever when you head over to visit then make the suggestion. Don't sit there stewing in resentment, you'll do yourself a mischief.

"Disgusting", "embrassed by", these are awful things to be saying about your boyfriend behind his back. If I found out someone had spoken about me like that I'd probably disassociate myself from that person immediately. If he was to turn to you and say "you're embarrassing me, I find your behaviour disgusting" after you visited his parents how would you feel? It sounds like you're harbouring some kind of backlog of resentment against this man. You're supposed to be partners in life and be on each others side. It's not healthy.

Sunflower 27

OneOfThem wrote: »

It sounds like you're harbouring some kind of backlog of resentment against this man. You're supposed to be partners in life and be on each others side. It's not healthy.

Of course she is harbouring resentment. Her parents are not sitting at home with money to burn, they are working hard to provide for themselves and the OP's siblings.

The OP has asked him not to do it and he couldn't give two hoots about her feelings. If he respected his partner at all, he would take on board what she has said and bring his own food.

I think anyone that grew up in a family where money was tight knows that you don't just eat around yourself, you plan what you are going to eat. He could be eating the other siblings' lunches or anything.

How hard would it be for him to bring some food with him and not offend anyone?

lawred2

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Of course she is harbouring resentment. Her parents are not sitting at home with money to burn, they are working hard to provide for themselves and the OP's siblings.

The OP has asked him not to do it and he couldn't give two hoots about her feelings. If he respected his partner at all, he would take on board what she has said and bring his own food.

I think anyone that grew up in a family where money was tight knows that you don't just eat around yourself, you plan what you are going to eat. He could be eating the other siblings' lunches or anything.

How hard would it be for him to bring some food with him and not offend anyone?

wow

where did you get that whopper from?

B0jangles

lawred2 wrote: »

wow

where did you get that whopper from?

From the OP:

blossomhills wrote: »

I've spoken to him about it before and told him how annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted I feel when he does it but he fails to see my POV entirely.

scrimshanker

OP, by any chance are you very young?

I haven't noticed you saying your parents have a problem with it. If they do then you need to let your bf know the score in no uncertain terms (without name calling or nasty language like disgusted!). It's equally possible that they'd take the POV that he's only there occasionally and it's not that big a deal.

Sunflower 27

lawred2 wrote: »

wow

where did you get that whopper from?

Did you read the original post at all?

OneOfThem

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Of course she is harbouring resentment. Her parents are not sitting at home with money to burn, they are working hard to provide for themselves and the OP's siblings.

The OP has asked him not to do it and he couldn't give two hoots about her feelings. If he respected his partner at all, he would take on board what she has said and bring his own food.

I think anyone that grew up in a family where money was tight knows that you don't just eat around yourself, you plan what you are going to eat. He could be eating the other siblings' lunches or anything.

How hard would it be for him to bring some food with him and not offend anyone?

I remember when I was 9 my mother bought me a can of seven up and a packet of crisps. No reason at all. Wasn't my birthday or anything. Always stands out in my mind. Felt kind of guilty having them. That's the degree to which I grew up in a family where money was tight.

Bringing a packed lunch when visiting someone wouldn't have been hard. It would have been really really really really weird though.

My parents wouldn't have dreamed of harbouring any resentment for a friend of mine asking if he could have a piece of pizza when he called over.

When my girlfriend calls over to my parents the poor girl is tormented with offers of drinks and food. There wouldn't be the slightest possibility that they would look badly upon her if she asked if she could have a bowl of soup. It's an unusual way of viewing things, your way and the OP's. That's grand, variety is the spice of life and all that. Would be awful boring if we were all the same. But when you've an unusual way of viewing things you really can't have expectations of other people sharing the view, or that they'll automatically be able to understand it.

Sunflower 27

OneOfThem wrote: »

I remember when I was 9 my mother bought me a can of seven up and a packet of crisps. No reason at all. Wasn't my birthday or anything. Always stands out in my mind. Felt kind of guilty having them. That's the degree to which I grew up in a family where money was tight.

Bringing a packed lunch when visiting someone wouldn't have been hard. It would have been really really really really weird though.

My parents wouldn't have dreamed of harbouring any resentment for a friend of mine asking if he could have a piece of pizza when he called over.

When my girlfriend calls over to my parents the poor girl is tormented with offers of drinks and food. There wouldn't be the slightest possibility that they would look badly upon her if she asked if she could have a bowl of soup. It's an unusual way of viewing things, your way and the OP's. That's grand, variety is the spice of life and all that. Would be awful boring if we were all the same. But when you've an unusual way of viewing things you really can't have expectations of other people sharing the view, or that they'll automatically be able to understand it.

Who said anything about bringing a packed lunch? Sorry, can you explain?

He understands it though, she has explained to him why she does not want him going into her parent's fridge. This isn't about the parents harbouring resentment, it is about the guy's behaviour upsetting and embarrassing his partner.

Is it normal for someone to go against something their partner has explicitly asked them not to do? If my partner asked this of me, I would not dream of eating his parents' food.

He is showing no respect at all for his partner. This is not a life or death situation. He wont die of hunger if he doesn't eat straight away.

I can see why the OP is so frustrated. This is not a huge ask and he continues to just help himself.

OneOfThem

You said he should bring food with him incase he gets hungry when visiting thier home. The packed lunch was my choice of language. Ham sandwich, piece of cake, pot noodle, whatever you like. It's a weird thing to do.

Look anyway, I'm not interested in getting into a back and forth thing with you here, the OP has our opinions/advice, so I'll leave you at it.

Taltos

Mod note
Please quit the arguing guys. All it's doing is dragging this off topic fairly fast.