is there more I can do

1stimemom

I have been with my partner for a number of years now & have a gorgeous DS together who is 1 & is the best thing to ever happen me. My partner is a good man. He has a great Job, very generous sometimes too generous, is by no way lazy, he's brilliant around the house & garden (much better than I am) and he cooks when he's off & I'm at work & most of all he's an excellent father. He works shifts so looks after our DS during the week when not at childminders. Sounds like the Ideal man Right?

Well we have had our issues for years now all due to lack of affection & very poor communication from both sides. He likes to brush issues under the carpet whereas when I want to talk about them I either give up too easily and let it fester or it will turn into another argument really quickly.

I was attending councelling before DS arrived for personal & relationship issues but also needed to attend after having DS for PND which was heightened by relationship issues which my partner refuses to believe. I asked him on numerous occasions to attend councelling with me (different councellor) to which he refuses as he thinks we don't have an issue. Apparently he thinks we're fine that I seem to make an issue out of relationship, i'm never happy and look at the negetives rather than the positives. He says he shows me his love in other ways i.e ensuring house is clean for me to be able to spend time with DS at weekend when Im off which is lovely but I want a proper relationship with my so called partner too. Is it too much to ask for a hug from him willingly once in a blue moon? I'm not even that affectionate. Theres no communication. We don't speak to each other apart from how was your day or how was DS? we never go out together as a couple, I can't remember the last time we laughed together

We had an argument over a month ago now so he gave me the cold shoulder for nearly 10 days. He usually give me cold shoulder but at most 2 days. It annoys the hell out of me but that time I tried to let on I wasn't even bothered and carried on as normal. When he finally started speaking to me I made it clear that I can understand needing some alone time giving a so called loved one the cold shoulder for that length of time is not normal. He again quickly brushed it off sayng yeah yeah I know. After TRYING to talk to him that night I told him I was unsure of my feelings towards him as we were so disconnected. That did seems to annoy him but I feel more so for his pride than anything else.

Basically since then we have been in separate beds, very basic communication, we're civil to each other. The worst thing is I don't even think my partner is that bothered. I will say that maybe once or twice I have attempted to give my partner a hug. But it's like hugging a fish. I get nothing back so when I get rejected like that I'm not going to try again, physically anyways

I was telling myself to stop chasing the relationship like I always do and let him show if he cares. Again I gave in last week and text him from work saying I'd like for the 2 of us to spend alone time together that Sat
His reply: yeah that will be good, Ill ask mam to babysit
I thought great he obviously wants to try so we can go on from there.

Sat arrived. I got up early to get things done round the house so they were out of the way.
Later that morning My partner was chatting to DS about what they'll do in the afternoon
I said: I thought we were going out and spending time alone
His reply: Oh I didn't think that was going ahead as wasn't mentioned since
my reply: I didn't mention it again as I thought it was a given
His reply: well what have you planned ( this obviously showed he wasn't that bothered as he hadn't thought of anything)
My reply: I have nothing planned, just spend time together cinema, bite to eat anything
his reply: there you go YOU'VE nothing planned
AAAGGGGhhhhhh, I was getting frustrated so I had to give myself time to cool off.
When I did I said it to him again that I thought it was a given as he said he would ask his mam to babysit
his reply: shur we'll go to XXXXXX later
My reply: Is your mam still ok to babysit at this stage
his reply: we'll bring him with us.
My reply: But the whole point was to spend time alone together as badly needed
His reply: spending family time is badly needed
My thought: (anytime we leave the house it's as a family besides going out to work)
My reply: I think spending time as a couple is more important
His replay: well I think family time is more important

What could I say? I had to just walk away or I would have lost it. He obviously does not want to spend time alone with me. My self esteem is never great but when you're partner doesn't want to spend alone time with you it's like a dagger going through you. I can't fight a losing battle. Sometimes I'm strong (in my head) & think we BOTH deserve better than this but the weak side thinks I haven't tried enough there's more I can do. Other times I think 1st few years of having a baby is tough on every relationship and this is just what is happening.

I really don't know If I can fight for relationship anymore. I would have thought since I had told him I was unsure of my feelings he would have jumped at chance of trying to sort things out but I honestly don't know if he realises there's an issue or is it that he just doesn't care?

If anyone has been through something similar I would love to know if you got through it and what did you do?

Aufbau

Hi OP. I don't really know what to say to you. The phrase 'like hugging a fish' really jumped out at me. How horrible. And sad.

I can't see what else you can do that you haven't already done. He won't talk to you and won't go to counselling, so it seems that it's his way or no way. From what you say it's like you want a warm relationship and he wants a practical one but whatever is going on he seems determined not to give you the warmth you need. Maybe couples counselling could help but that's not much good if he won't go.

You want a proper relationship with your partner, but it's not happening after all the years you've been struggling. Does the proper relationship have to be with this particular partner?

He does sound like a good man. But it also sounds like ye very much don't suit.

Taltos

Mod Note
OP - moved this to a more appropriate forum as you seem to want to try to save the relationship.

Also please don't use the abbreviation DS - that is used commonly in american forums but is not too well known here and will just break the flow of people trying to read your post as they try to figure out what is meant by it.

Thanks

bee06

1stimemom wrote: »

I really don't know If I can fight for relationship anymore. I would have thought since I had told him I was unsure of my feelings he would have jumped at chance of trying to sort things out but I honestly don't know if he realises there's an issue or is it that he just doesn't care?

Have you actually told him this straight out? It sounds like he has his head in the sand so you need to just tell him straight out how bad things are for you.

Wompa1

I'm somewhat your husband in this scenario. I'm not the most outwardly affectionate person. I think this just has a lot to do with how I was raised. Our family would never say I love you to one another at the end of a phone conversation or if going away for a week etc.

I'm finding that, many people are different in that regard. Namely girlfriends and my current fiancé. Now, I'm in a situation of trying harder to say it more but feel like it's forced. I also feel like it takes away from it.

I've been working 3 jobs for the last 4 months. I haven't been showing much affection physically either. She insists on it and it's getting to the point that it irritates me. I'm just too busy and too stressed out. I'm not in the moment right now.

But that's all my own account. I'm not sure what your husbands situation is. May there be something he's going through that is causing him to be less bothered recently? Did this only start after the kid?

InTheTrees

Taltos wrote: »

Mod Note
Also please don't use the abbreviation DS - that is used commonly in american forums but is not too well known here and will just break the flow of people trying to read your post as they try to figure out what is meant by it.

I've been in America twenty years and never heard it.

They have a "gorgeous DS" together and i've been struggling to think what it might mean?

Dial Hard

You say he's not physically affectionate/demonstrative, OP. Does this extend to your sex life? I know that's a very personal question but it is relevant.

kylith

InTheTrees wrote: »

I've been in America twenty years and never heard it.

They have a "gorgeous DS" together and i've been struggling to think what it might mean?

Darling Son, I think.

unreg999

InTheTrees wrote:

They have a "gorgeous DS" together and i've been struggling to think what it might mean?

Dear Son!

johnnyskeleton

InTheTrees wrote: »

They have a "gorgeous DS" together and i've been struggling to think what it might mean?

Im guessing a child (DeScendant, maybe?) - theyre hardly spending so much time over an outdated Nintendo.

robbiezero

unreg999 wrote: »

Dear Son!

Seems hardly worth the abbreviation to save one letter, especially given the fact that you have to capitalize the abbreviation.

unreg999

robbiezero wrote:

Seems hardly worth the abbreviation to save one letter, especially given the fact that you have to capitalize the abbreviation.

I didn't make it up lol just seem it used!
DD dear/darling daughter
DW dear wife
DH dear husband
OH other half
LO little one etc

My own that I made up & used a lot was FXH- f#ucking ex husband lol

Op I really feel for you, I'm sorry to say this but it sounds to me like your husband may have already checked out
How long do you think you can keep chasing him?
Or maybe he's just become complacent... He does sound like a good person and father though so perhaps it's just a rough patch he's going though... Unfortunately The only way of knowing that is by talking and as he seems to have cut you your for now...
Very difficult place to be in, I'm sorry

dudara

Please do not use acronyms like DH, DS etc in Personal & Relationship Issues. Not everyone is familiar with these acronyms and they are not particularly welcome on Boards.

Posters - let's focus on the topic at hand, rather than going off topic with these acronyms

dudara

LegacyUser

No kids but I have had a relationship end pretty similarly to that, where one person checked out and the other danced around like a monkey trying to get them to check back in again. It's pretty horrible! Especially when you're the dancing monkey.

What I learned then is that no matter how good, on paper, someone is for you. No matter how 'nice' they are or how considerate they are in the weird not-a-relationship-but-a-relationship thing you have going on you will eventually go out of your mind being in a communication & affection free relationship. And you deserve better than it.

So you have to, if you are in a position to, lay it on the line to your partner and start planning on how you're going to extricate yourself if he isn't up for changing things. 'I love you, I love our family but it is affecting my mental health to be in a relationship with someone who is completely checked out of it. I need a partner/friend/lover as much as I need a co-parent and if all we are are parents to our child then I am leaving this relationship'. If he's not willing to change and you aren't able to be stuck trying to chase him down/find a way you can behave that makes him act like he loves you then the only option you have is to find a way out. And, honestly, the relief is UNREAL when you are out.

Wompa1

robbiezero wrote: »

Seems hardly worth the abbreviation to save one letter, especially given the fact that you have to capitalize the abbreviation.

I legitimately thought it was Demon Spawn meant in a joking way. Boy is my face red!

MagicMarker

I thought the OP was referring to a child with down syndrome...

Edit: Oops sorry didn't see mod warning.