Ex wants to rekindle relationship but is on dating site

LegacyUser

This could be me reading too much into things, which I do very often, but I wanted to ask here to be sure.

My ex broke up with me a year ago to go work abroad for a year. I wanted to try long distance, he didn't and thought it would be too difficult. I tried to keep in contact but he always ignored me. I figured he just had no interest in me anymore so I gave up on him.

A few months ago he messaged me out of the blue saying that he would like to rekindle our relationship again once he got back. He arrived home a couple of weeks and now wants to meet for coffee.

I am a bit wary because he did ignore me for a while, and also I have seen him on dating websites, even after we agreed to meet up. I know I sound like a hypocrite because I was on it as well, but I haven't committed to getting back together, but has told me he really wants to.

If this was true, and he really cared for me, why would he still be on dating websites? Am I being stupid thinking he's committed to trying things again or am I stupid getting worked up over something like this?

CaraMay

Now that he's home he wants a safety net and you are it. He's treated you appallingly and I would not let anyone pick up and drop me like he has. I wouldn't even meet him for coffee tbh.

Banaba

Caramay is right op, this may sound harsh but cruel to be kind, it sounds like he knows you will be there and wants to "rekindle" things for an easy ride while he's still searching. I'd tell him to jog on your way better than that but it's ultimately your choice. Definitely don't sleep with him though. If he is serious make him wait and then you'll know

strandroad

Dating sites are not important, if you broke up he was free to use them.
Ignoring you is why I would not get back with him. He just wants a handy girlfriend now and you're supposed to be delighted but he does not really care about you.
Look at what they do, not at what they say...

desbrook

You agreed to meet up OP - not to instantly rekindle your relationship so there's no obligation on him to pull his ad. Have you pulled yours ?

His previous behaviour wasn't great but you agreed to meet him . You could have said no .

LegacyUser

I do feel foolish for even considering meeting him, but a part of me believes that he wants to make it work.

I certainly didn't commit to getting back together, just to meet and talk, and I made it clear that I was not happy with his behaviour. He admitted he was wrong to do what he did, but hadn't realised at the time that it would hurt me, he just thought it would be easier for both of us to cut ties.

I am not trying to defend him, I'm just trying to see it from his point of view.

I have seen a lot of advice on this forum, a lot of of it good, but it always seems to me that once a guy does something wrong, it instantly means he is a bad person and you should never contact him again. I have started to believe this, but I don't want to ruin a real chance at a relationship just because I'm letting petty pride get in the way.

It's not petty pride OP, it's having respect for yourself. This guy left you and had his fun for a year and now he thinks he can just pick up where he left off. If you take him back after that, what kind of standard are you setting for your future relationship?

LegacyUser

Flying Fox wrote: »

It's not petty pride OP, it's having respect for yourself. This guy left you and had his fun for a year and now he thinks he can just pick up where he left off. If you take him back after that, what kind of standard are you setting for your future relationship?

I understand where you're coming from, but I get the feeling from here that no one is allowed to make mistakes in relationships. I could easily put it down to his immaturity at the time, and now he realises his mistake.

I don't want to make excuses for him, but I just need to understand it from his side before making such an important decision.

Is ignoring someone an unforgivable thing to do? Is there no way back once you do this to an ex?

retro:electro

Ugh the cheek of him. He makes my skin crawl just reading that. Tell him to jog on.

LLMMML

I have a very different view of this than the above posters.

Firstly, not wanting to do long distance is perfectly acceptable. That was not treating you badly.

Secondly, when there's a break up practically every thread on here will be full of people saying "cut all contact". Which he did with you. Again, perfectly acceptable. Not easy on you, but that's the way breakups go.

Now he is home and wants to get back together. What's wrong with this? If it's acceptable to love someone but not want to do long distance then surely when distance is no longer an issue then it's normal to want to be with that person?

When you're in a relationship with someone, that person should be a priority in your life. Leaving to go abroad for a year shows that you were not a priority in his life OP. It's easy for him to say he made a mistake now that he's home, but do you really believe that he would have done things differently if he could go back in time? It's your decision OP but you need to go in with your eyes wide open and you need to judge him on his actions and not on his words. The fact that you're even posting here shows you have doubts about him, which are well founded to be honest.

OneOfThem

What was the context of him going away for the year? Was it for a specific job or was it more a working holiday, travelling round Australia partying and doing casual work? Was there any possibility of you going with him? Did you suggest that, as well as suggesting doing a long distance relationship? Did he?

CaraMay

Well if you realise you made a mistake and want to be with this person why are you active on a dating site? Clearly he wanted to play the field while he was away for the year and now he's home he's happy to pick up where he left Off until the dating site produces a catch.

LLMMML

CaraMay wrote: »

Well if you realise you made a mistake and want to be with this person why are you active on a dating site? Clearly he wanted to play the field while he was away for the year and now he's home he's happy to pick up where he left Off until the dating site produces a catch.

Because you are currently single and the person you want to get back together with may have no interest.

zeffabelli

You could always give it a chance, test the waters without diving in?

LegacyUser

Hi,

For yourself stop responding to him. He is either lonely , horny or bored.

If he really wanted to be with you, let him make the effort. He knows where you live. If you chase him now or give in , he will always know you are a walkover.

Just concentrate on yourself. Join a class, exercise, join tinder, go out with friends and have the crack!!!

Take care of you

giggle84

Do not respond wrote: »

Hi,

For yourself stop responding to him. He is either lonely , horny or bored.

If he really wanted to be with you, let him make the effort. He knows where you live. If you chase him now or give in , he will always know you are a walkover.

Just concentrate on yourself. Join a class, exercise, join tinder, go out with friends and have the crack!!!

Take care of you

Agree with this. I also agree with Caramay et al saying his behaviour was unacceptable but it appears that you don't like their advice and I suspect you're going to give him another chance.

In that case consider the above and don't make it too easy for him. If he really wants to get back with you he'll go out of his way to prove that to you. If you keep him at arms length a little bit and he loses interest then you'll know he wasn't that bothered to begin with.

Be more afraid of ending up in a bad relationship than being single.

kylith

I agree with everyone. If you take him back after him ignoring you he'll see you as a walkover. He wants an easy lay now he's back and my money would be on him dropping you like a hot snot if he thinks he's gotten a better offer elsewhere.

OneOfThem

One possibility is that he's essentially a sociopath who months in advance of his return to the country got in contact with you saying that he would like to give things another go when he got back as part of a long term plan to get an easy ride off you when he did return before dumping you again at the first opportunity.

Another is that he thought the best thing for both of you would be for him to not return your contact while he was away as he had said he didn't want to do long distance and that no contact would be the best thing so that you weren't back home hanging in to the idea that you were in a long distance relationship, when that wasn't the case, and move on. Then regretted that decision after a few months, and contacted you asking if there was any chance you two could try again when he got back. And now that he's back, that's what he wants.

I do think the context in which he broke up with you counts for quite a bit. Was you going with him ever discussed? Was it a possibility? What reason did he give for breaking up? Did he discuss the move away with you and the options related to that in advance? Or did he just say he was breaking up with you, and when you asked why he told you he was heading away for a year and wanted to be single? The context of the break up matter a fair bit here I think.

How long were you together btw?

conor8989

to be honest and blunt your his last option and if someone else comes along your dumped again stay clear of him he sounds like a dick anyway

Magicmatilda

suspicion101 wrote: »

I understand where you're coming from, but I get the feeling from here that no one is allowed to make mistakes in relationships. I could easily put it down to his immaturity at the time, and now he realises his mistake.

I don't want to make excuses for him, but I just need to understand it from his side before making such an important decision.

Is ignoring someone an unforgivable thing to do? Is there no way back once you do this to an ex?

No it is not. But this guy was your boyfriend and even if we believe that he didn't realise that ignoring you would be hurtful, he knows now it was. So rather than contacting you immediately and trying to make it better he has waited a couple of weeks and asked you to meet for a coffee. They are not the actions of someone in love with you.

The decision that is so important to you, clearly isn;t as important to him because if it was it would warrant more than a coffee while scouting on the net for girls.

Mr. Incognito

I think you should meet him as a friend and tell him that you have no interest in a relationship after the way he ended it last time.

If he wants to be with you he will remain firends and make the effort.

If he only wants a safety net he will move on to pastures new.

Don't expect him to chase you if you give him the snub unless he has some serious issues. (What sort of fella do you want to attract? Stalkers? People have some stupid ideas about what is acceptable behaviour around dating, probably licked off some vacous chick flick)

meeeeh

zeffabelli wrote: »

You could always give it a chance, test the waters without diving in?

This, as someone who was in long distance relationship for a year, I completely understand why people don't want to do it. Very often things are not that simple and what do you have to lose meeting him. Btw don't play silly games pretending you want to be only friends and then hoping every day he will call. If you are uncertain tell him he has to earn your trust and take it slow.

SexyCoccyx

A few questions:

1) How long were you going out before you went away? If it was a short time, then I'd understand breaking up with you before leaving (this happened to me years ago - we were only going out a few months and we got together after he got back). If it was a decent amount of time, then no, I personally wouldn't take him back

2) Did he explain his reasons for ignoring you or did he let you continue emailing him and blank you without explanation? Former - forgivable, latter - unforgivable.


Just be careful, OP. I don't believe in writing this guy off completely and think you can at least meet him for coffee depending on how you answered the questions above. Trust your instincts though, OP and be smart.

IlmoNT4

I dont think breaking up and wanting to meet up with you now that he's back, or that he's on a dating site in bad at all OP...the red flag to me is that he broke up with you and cut all contact, and NOW that he wants something from YOU, he's back in touch....

Thats the issue... He didnt have to cut contact, he could have told you he loved you but wanted to do his trip away and you could have been part of that through contact, emails, skype etc but he said no.

Lets look at it from a different perspective, if a mate took a year off, went traveling, ignored all your texts and messages and came back looking for someone to hang out with, would you be welcoming them home? Not that they were too busy but IGNORED your attempts to talk to them.... I've had heaps of great mates move countries and they never have blocked me or ignored me. It might take them a few days to answer a text message but it does get answered.

I think this guy is a chancer OP, you know it too. If you felt he was a good person and he was genuinely interested in you both when he was away and back at home then you wouldnt be posting here.

Calhoun

LLMMML wrote: »

I have a very different view of this than the above posters.

Firstly, not wanting to do long distance is perfectly acceptable. That was not treating you badly.

Secondly, when there's a break up practically every thread on here will be full of people saying "cut all contact". Which he did with you. Again, perfectly acceptable. Not easy on you, but that's the way breakups go.

Now he is home and wants to get back together. What's wrong with this? If it's acceptable to love someone but not want to do long distance then surely when distance is no longer an issue then it's normal to want to be with that person?

All perfectly logical but i think that the advice to break up and cut contact is only looking at it from the point of view from the person doing the breakup. There is another side to this story and while its acceptable to breakup and cut contact the other person does not have to accept them back open arms.

As pointed out in post above, i would consider the time you were together initially before making a decision. If it was a longish term relationship then im not so sure i would be welcoming the relationship.

laserlad2010

suspicion101 wrote: »

I understand where you're coming from, but I get the feeling from here that no one is allowed to make mistakes in relationships. I could easily put it down to his immaturity at the time, and now he realises his mistake.

I don't want to make excuses for him, but I just need to understand it from his side before making such an important decision.

Is ignoring someone an unforgivable thing to do? Is there no way back once you do this to an ex?

This. This a million times. Ultimately this is the forum of high horses - myself included- where everyone has history.

Look, OP, none of these posters are going to be in a relationship with you and this guy. All that matters are YOUR standards.

Demand proof from this man - be it the chase, actions, words, whatever you feel acceptable - of his commitment. Go in with your eyes open.

Life is too short to always act as others want you to do. Follow your gut instinct - which seems to be to meet this guy, and see where it leads.

Cutting contact was acceptable behaviour during a breakup - it's recommended on both sides. And look at it this way - you both still want to meet each other after a year... If he didnt, he wouldn't. Plenty of easier ways to get the ride tbh.

ShaShaBear

Not wanting to do long distance is perfectly acceptable. Cutting contact with the person for a clean break is also perfectly acceptable.

Ignoring someone for almost a year and only contacting them looking to pick up where they left off when they know they will be coming home sounds like an easy lay.

If I dumped someone and went abroad, not seeing them, not speaking to them, not emailing them and I truly, truly loved them and wanted them back, it wouldn't take me more than a few weeks to get in touch. Certainly not the guts of a year.

Sounds to me like your first instinct was right, and he was happily preoccupied abroad, and knows when he gets home he might not have the same luck for a while.

zeffabelli

I think another possibility is you are part of the homesickness..... you are part of what it means to be home.....

As for the dating sites, you could look at it cynically, you could look at it at someone who became very lonely, or you could look at it at someone who isnt going to invest all his hopes into someone who may very well turn out to reject him.

Did you tell him you were hurt by his ignoring you?

Kaiser84

Seems to me like he is using you. I'd cut all ties and stay away from him if I was you.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for the replies, it has given me a lot to think about.

I feel I should clear some things up so that you know the full story, or as much as I'm willing to say. I don't think I told you enough because I always worry that he might browse these forums and realise it's me. I hope it doesn't change the advice that has been given too much already.

We were dating for about a year at the point of the break up.

If I'm being honest, the last month of our relationship was a bit rocky. He was finishing up with his job in Ireland and he was very busy, he found it very difficult to find time for me. There were also other intimacy problems. Without going into detail, we found ourselves drifting apart before he went abroad.

He did contact me a number of months after our breakup saying that he still cared about me and wanted to try things again, this was many months before he returned home. I don't think it was him thinking he could get an easy lay, as someone put it.

After talking with him, I think we both understood why we broke up (a mix of the points above), and asked ourselves if they could be fixed, which in all honesty I think they can be.

Does this change things?

Augme

If a year into the relationship there was intimacy issues then that is a big worry. Ask yourself why it will be different now, or in a years time. As for the original post. The big issue I have is with him still being on the dating site. Now he's single and perfectly entitled to but if I was in his position and really wanted to make a go of it there is no way I would be on a dating site. I'd wait to find out what the situation was before looking into someone else.

While he might not be looking for an easy lay he might be happy to looking for a comfort relationship. I find some people find it very difficult being alone and are happy to settle into a relationship with someone they like, but not are really crazy about. In relationships like these the intimacy and sex issue appear quite quickly.