Friendship shouldn't be this much hard work

LegacyUser

Have a long term friendship stretching back to school days with a pal who's become increasingly difficult to maintain a cordial & stable relationship with. I care about the guy and don't like seeing him in a bad place, but there are limits to what I'm prepared to put up with as a result of his often volatile personality.

What drew us together in the first place was a mutual interest in sport, music and in particular, a shared sense of humour. To this day, we'd still retain the ability to make each other crack up laughing over all manner of absolute nonsense.

Just to fill out the picture more fully though, for all that's been good about our friendship, there's undeniably been an unhealthy dynamic at play for so much of that period & I'm as culpable as he is for that (though I've tried very hard to modify my behaviour in that respect these past few years, something which he's recently acknowledged). Over the years, we'd have far too frequently taken out our own frustrations on the other party by not giving each other an inch & being generally petty & mean spirited, bickering like a couple of old dears in an unedifying way and lacking respect for ourselves and for the friendship in the process. That sort of intimate knowledge of how the other party ticks has also meant we'd know exactly which buttons to press to elicit a response when things took a turn for the worse. Essentially, when things didn't work, they didn't work on a pretty teenage level - anyone seen the film Stepbrothers?

It feels terrible to actually put that down in black and white and I'm not proud of my part in the associated bullsh1t. As I said though, I've made moves to greatly amend my behaviour towards my friend these past few years, my rationale being that if we were to sustain a friendship in the long term, we absolutely had to shed the mutually abusive elements that had corroded much of what was good and of value between us. To this end, we sat down about 4 years ago & I said either we make a concerted effort to get along or we call it a day there and then and move on. This pal of mine's dealt with both depression and anger issues for some time & this would unfortunately manifest every so often in behaviours towards myself and other folks that were way beyond the realms of acceptability - sending texts wishing cancer on people, threatening and engaging in violence & verbally abusing friends and family in an aggressive manner. Every time this sort of thing was directed at me, I let it be known (after a period) just how far out of line he was, though I also recognised it as being ultimately self-destructive behaviour on his part & perhaps it was a subconscious attempt too, borne out of low self-esteem, to push his friends further away. Armchair psychology I know, but I don't think it's without merit. Shortly after we'd had that discussion, he started a course of meds that appeared to let him find equilibrium of sorts & though there's been the occasional flare up, things have been relatively calm in the intervening period....up until now.

There have now been three or four episodes over the space of the summer however, where he's allowed his anger to get the better of him & he's once again alienated friends and even got into avoidable scrapes with strangers that have left him nursing bruising and a cracked rib. He's admitted reducing his medication to a considerable degree without running it by his GP & it's become apparent that his temper is once again getting the better of him and both he and those who know him best suffer as a consequence.

I've had a couple of texts apologising profusely for the latest bouts of anger, though that's often been the pattern & tbh apologies are rendered of ever decreasing value when overused as a get out of jail card. Unless the behaviour changes, saying sorry is of very little worth. So I guess what I'm essentially asking is whether it's time to put an end to the friendship, as things unfortunately look to have returned to the point they were about 4 years ago. I've spoken both with mutual friends and family, who universally say that I'd be better off simply ignoring further communication and walking away - though the former does seem a harsh way of handling it to me.

All a bit long winded I know & it's certainly difficult to put into words all the variables that have to be weighed up. Thanks for reading and would certainly appreciate any advice.

zoobizoo

Maybe tell him that you're thinking of walking away... and explain the reasons why and see if that motivates him to go back to his GP, go back taking the right amount of meds and to go see a therapist about the anger issues. Does he talk to anyone about these issues?

I've never been friends with someone aggressive like that as I avoid people who like that; it is unacceptable behaviour and he needs to realise that.

Walking away without explaining would be harsh - as in, just cutting him off without a warning.

Whitewinged

I can only imagine how hard it is when you care about someone who is not well. I suppose your dilemma is what is best.

is it better for him that you stay around but bad for you?

Is it worse for him and better for you if you stay around?

Or is the relationship just bad for both of you?

I think those are the questions you have to ask yourself.

Do you really bring positivity to one another's life by continuing the friendship or are you both enenabling one another to reenact out these anger/remorse, high and low episodes?

Rekop dog

Less of this self destruct bs. He sounds like a downright horrible person to have in your life, volatile, mean and selfish. People pander to these sorts of people far too much in modern society when there's any mention of depression, which kinda gives them licence to continue being a c*nt. Cut him out and surround yourself with more positive/fun people, life is way too short to be putting up with this sort of behaviour over a long period of time.

Matteroffact

It would appear that you have been more than accommodating in this friendship and this guy thinks that no matter what he does you will still stand by him. He needs a lesson in reality to bring him to his eyesight. I would alienate myself from him and see does he get the message. If he comes back and swears to get help I would only hang around with him if he proves it. I would not explain to him what I am doing as you have done that in the past, but this time I would just stay away from him, not answer his calls for a while and let him start asking himself what he has done to deserve this. Of course he may have gone off his medication thinking that he doesn't need it now and has fallen back to his old ways without it and if this is the case I feel sorry for him. Alienate him for a while and if he persists in saying that he is back on the meds and is doing well then I would probably give him one last chance. Difficult decision.

LegacyUser

Many thanks for your considered opinions here folks, I've taken it all on board these past few days & am still mulling over whether or not to offer this pal of mine a snifter at the last chance saloon.

zoobizoo wrote: »

Maybe tell him that you're thinking of walking away... and explain the reasons why and see if that motivates him to go back to his GP, go back taking the right amount of meds and to go see a therapist about the anger issues. Does he talk to anyone about these issues?

I've never been friends with someone aggressive like that as I avoid people who like that; it is unacceptable behaviour and he needs to realise that.

Walking away without explaining would be harsh - as in, just cutting him off without a warning.

He has been talking to someone about his issues yep, so that's a step in the right direction for sure. I've let it be known on previous occasions that I won't hang around indefinitely if things become uncivil to such a degree, but he's deflected by attempting to normalise his behaviour, saying he has regular barneys with other mates who shake it off & don't take it so personally. The fact he's lost some very close friends due to his volatility seems to be lost on him however. Either he's feigning an utter lack of self-awareness or he genuinely cannot comprehend how others see his actions as being well beyond what's considered acceptable.

Whitewinged wrote: »

Or is the relationship just bad for both of you?

That may be the crux of it Whitewinged.

I certainly seem to bring out the worst in him & there have been many occasions where I've failed to cover myself in glory when it comes to how I've approached our friendship.

I fear there will always be a level of dysfunction between us tbh & though we can share a laugh and have a good time, he's not a friend I'd confide in or seek advice from.

Rekop dog wrote: »

Less of this self destruct bs. He sounds like a downright horrible person to have in your life, volatile, mean and selfish. People pander to these sorts of people far too much in modern society when there's any mention of depression, which kinda gives them licence to continue being a c*nt. Cut him out and surround yourself with more positive/fun people, life is way too short to be putting up with this sort of behaviour over a long period of time.

I suppose it's difficult to paint a full picture of a person on a thread such as this & it's natural enough to focus on the problems and all the negativity surrounding that. For all his faults, there is certainly kindness, decency and a generosity of spirit within him, it's just that often times, the baser aspects of his personality predominate.

Matteroffact wrote: »

It would appear that you have been more than accommodating in this friendship and this guy thinks that no matter what he does you will still stand by him. He needs a lesson in reality to bring him to his eyesight. I would alienate myself from him and see does he get the message. If he comes back and swears to get help I would only hang around with him if he proves it. I would not explain to him what I am doing as you have done that in the past, but this time I would just stay away from him, not answer his calls for a while and let him start asking himself what he has done to deserve this. Of course he may have gone off his medication thinking that he doesn't need it now and has fallen back to his old ways without it and if this is the case I feel sorry for him. Alienate him for a while and if he persists in saying that he is back on the meds and is doing well then I would probably give him one last chance. Difficult decision.

I'm currently giving him a wide berth & hoping the realisation will come to him that a very real change is necessary for his own sake & that there are tangible repercussions for indulging in the kind of (mis)behaviour I detailed in my original post. I've seen this play out with other friends of his on a few occasions, where they've distanced themselves from him & his reaction has been defensive and fairly scathing towards them. After a period stretching into months or even years, he's made attempts to build bridges with folks he's alienated, though with quite limited success. I don't think any of those guys held much of a grudge btw, they'd just got tired of the drama & decided to move on.