My Parents think my boyfriends is cheap....do I tell him

Bamboozeled

OneOfThem wrote: »

What did your parents say, exactly? Was it a passing comment about your fiancé not paying for the odd dinner? Did they actually say they think he's cheap? Did they say something about him "not spoiling you enough"?

I was asked did he 'spoil me', the word cheap wasn't used but it was implied i suppose.

Typer Monkey

Spoiling you is a strange metric to judge the health of a relationship by.

My own mother asks 'is he kind?'. I think that's a far better indicator of someone's character then how much money he spends on you.

Is he kind to you OP? If so forget about this 'spoiling business'. Maybe you should consider going out for dinner with your parents a bit less and just visit them for a cuppa tea or whatever instead

Lux23

If your parents mention this again, I would ask them what they expect your boyfriend to do for you? Does you Dad pay for your Mum all the time? Do they want you to be dependent on someone else all your life? Because that is not how you should raise your children.

tinz18

Hi OP,

I would be in your fiance's position in that my boyfriends parents always bring us out for meals when we visit.

I wouldn't relay what your parents said about being cheap- he's a student with limited income, once he gets a job you'll be able to figure out how financially generous he is. I take it as a source of pride that I have always paid my own way through college and even now, although my boyfriend is on twice my income, I still insist on paying 50/50 of all the bills and rent, in addition to the expenses of my car (which I won't expect him to pay halves towards until he learns to drive). The result is I have less disposable income than him after bills so when it comes to going out to eat with his family he'll pay every once and a while (it took me a long time to make peace with letting him cover me).

I would be horrified if my boyfriend's parents thought I was cheap because I can't afford to spend €120 plus in a restaurant on a regular basis. His parents are generous and know that I don't have much money (doing a PhD). I return the favour by cooking a big spread any time they visit us.

As for the spoiling bit, do you spoil him? I don't get the mentality that the guy should always spoil the girl, its outdated considering when I graduate I will be probably be the bigger earner in our house. I know my parents prefer that I stand on my own feet rather than become a "kept woman" even now while I'm for all extensive purposes a broke student. Would your parent's prefer you to be happy with your fiance or be with some guy who is financially generous but treats you crap in other ways?

LegacyUser

Bamboozeled wrote: »

I was asked did he 'spoil me', the word cheap wasn't used but it was implied i suppose.

Which is totally different from what you first posted and if that was the question, exactly as you've phrased it there, then there is no implication that they were saying he's cheap. If that's not how it was phrased, then maybe stop drip feeding the thread and say what actually happened so people can offer you some decent advice before you come to some conclusion that does harm all around you. At the moment, he makes as much effort as he can, your parents asked an innocuous question and you're creating a problem out of that which doesn't exist.

OneOfThem

Bamboozeled wrote: »

I was asked did he 'spoil me', the word cheap wasn't used but it was implied i suppose.

Spoil you? Ah what are you, a child, a broth? It sounds like they might just be a bit old fashioned or something? I'd say pay them no heed. If they stick their nose in again very politely tell them that you're an adult and it's not really thier place to be trying to involve themselves in your relationship.
And maybe cut down on the amount of dinner invitations you accept.

Bamboozeled

tinz18 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I would be in your fiance's position in that my boyfriends parents always bring us out for meals when we visit.

I wouldn't relay what your parents said about being cheap- he's a student with limited income, once he gets a job you'll be able to figure out how financially generous he is. I take it as a source of pride that I have always paid my own way through college and even now, although my boyfriend is on twice my income, I still insist on paying 50/50 of all the bills and rent, in addition to the expenses of my car (which I won't expect him to pay halves towards until he learns to drive). The result is I have less disposable income than him after bills so when it comes to going out to eat with his family he'll pay every once and a while (it took me a long time to make peace with letting him cover me).

I would be horrified if my boyfriend's parents thought I was cheap because I can't afford to spend €120 plus in a restaurant on a regular basis. His parents are generous and know that I don't have much money (doing a PhD). I return the favour by cooking a big spread any time they visit us.

As for the spoiling bit, do you spoil him? I don't get the mentality that the guy should always spoil the girl, its outdated considering when I graduate I will be probably be the bigger earner in our house. I know my parents prefer that I stand on my own feet rather than become a "kept woman" even now while I'm for all extensive purposes a broke student. Would your parent's prefer you to be happy with your fiance or be with some guy who is financially generous but treats you crap in other ways?

I completely agree with you! I would like to think I 'spoil' him, yea, in a number of ways. I pick him up little things every now and then and I cook him dinner etc, stuff i enjoy doing for him. I don't have any issues with the way he treats me, he's good to me. I particularly agree with your last comment also. I was just more trying to find out if I should mention anything to him at all, even if in a non-direct way.

MagicMarker

TBH if these dinners are so regular then he shouldn't be accepting the invitation if he can't contribute.

I would feel like a child if my girlfriend's parents constantly paid for my meal for me.

Bamboozeled

OneOfThem wrote: »

Spoil you? Ah what are you, a child, a broth? It sounds like they might just be a bit old fashioned or something? I'd say pay them no heed. If they stick their nose in again very politely tell them that you're an adult and it's not really thier place to be trying to involve themselves in your relationship.
And maybe cut down on the amount of dinner invitations you accept.

I agree They aren't old fashioned themselves at all but they have slightly old fashioned ideals maybe in relation to restaurants, bars etc (not everything). They are very much the type of people also who would want me to be independent. YES, i know they contradict each other but I suppose they just want to make sure he's more generous (a good person) than 'mean', if you get me.

Sunflower 27

Your parents seem quite opinionated. Ask them if they would like it if you gave your 2 cents worth regarding their relationship. It is clear your bf is improving himself. I am sure they will be delighted when he qualifies and can spend money on you! They seem overly critical and, quite frankly, bang out of order.

Jimmy Bottlehead

OP, as a guy who is putting himself through part-time college (as well as renting my own place, paying all bills, cars, etc) I can say that it's not an easy thing to do and he has my admiration.

Your boyfriend sounds like a good lad who's trying to better himself. And it sounds like you're a good girl who understands this, which is important. You being supportive and understanding makes a big difference because he's probably very aware that he can't treat you or spoil you as much as he'd like, and he's probably also aware that your family know it too.

The issue isn't him. The issue is with your parents. And that may mean sitting down with them and telling them straight out that he treats you well, is doing the best he can and if they have a problem with that, they can keep it to themselves.
At the end of the day, money doesn't equal happiness and I know I'd be much happier cuddled up on a sofa watching TV with someone I loved than to be treated to a five star restaurant with someone I tolerated.

freshpopcorn

I've often heard of people and them not liking their sons/daughters partner. What these people do is constantly bring them out for dinner tough.

DukeOfTheSharp

Don't tell him, it's on your parents, not him. Telling him this will just make him feel uncomfortable around them, and honestly if anything you should take your parents aside and explain to them in no uncertain manner the current situation he's in, and how disappointed you are in their thoughts on the matter. Also, make it clear that if they keep bringing this up as a 'problem', you won't be joining them for dinner anytime soon. The fact is that no matter what happens, either you or your boyfriend will be uncomfortable around your parents until they grow up and stop being so ridiculously judgmental, so making it clear that they keep their thoughts to themselves will make things a lot easier. I'm amazed that two adults can be so utterly immature and blind to reality.

CaraMay

Definitely do not tell him. Tbh I wouldn't be going for dinner with them (and bringing fiancé) when they clearly begrudge him being there / don't want him there.

Matteroffact

Why would you want to tell him what your parents said? Are you trying to cause a rift between them? Telling your fiance this would make him feel dreadful and he would never want to go to dinner with them again. If your parents are not happy with him not contributing then let them stop asking him.

Calhoun

Pretty much what everyone else has said, it will either cause a rift or make it very uncomfortable for your husband to be and parents going forward.

Personally if i was told i wouldn't be going to visit let alone for dinner for a long time with them.

I would also get them to check their old fashioned feedback because i can tell you this with a wedding coming up you can expect more interference.

suicide_circus

Tbh I'd be knocking these dinners on the head for a good while after that

MouseTail

It is cheap to be always accepting hospitality without returning it.
it doesn't mean you or your bf pay for a meal out, but it means you host them for a change, meal in your flat etc. I'm fairly shocked that this hasn't occurred to you before.

zeffabelli

I wouldn't relay this judgement.

But the thing is in our codes, people financialize their feelings, so if they see someone being stingy they read it as not caring about you. And sometimes it is indicative of greater selfishness.

Do you feel he is stingy?

I think some gesture towards reciprocation is a good idea.

deisemum

OP your parents should be keeping their opinions to themselves and are coming across as very judgemental, the type that know the price of everything but the value of nothing. You're coming across as someone who's immature still trying to get their approval and not having the backbone to set boundries with your parents.

How do you get on with his family and do you both spend as much time with his family as you do with yours?

Whenever my husband and myself bring our sons and the older lad's girlfriend out for lunch/dinner there's no way we'd ask them and expect them to pay for themselves. If you extend the invitation then you should pay for it and not bitch about it afterwards.

Conor Bourke

Have they asked you this type of question about him before, or is it only since you've gotten engaged?

Have you began making any wedding plans yet?

Might they be concerned thinking that he might expect them to pay for the wedding?