partner's web history is making me paranoid

LegacyUser

I would appreciate other people's take on this.

I've been seeing my other half for a year. We met online, things moved quickly and we now live together. He is genuinely one of the best humans I've ever met. From the time I first met up with him I noticed how people just beam at him and want to chat to him and do things for him because he generally goes around in a sunny mood treating the world and everyone in it like its the best thing he ever encountered. He's affectionate, good to me, good to my friends, good to my family. He supports me in anything I want to do. He takes on the household jobs that I can't stand (cooking!) and we spend most of our time at home hanging out and talking to each other because, well, we're that nonsense kind of couple who get wrapped up in each other and can't imagine anything that's better craic than being with the other one.

I realise I'm making it sound like it's perfection but obviously it isn't. We have our disagreements and problems like everyone does but none of them have really been too big to work our way through... except one. A little while into our relationship, I discovered that my partner has a child from a previous relationship. His mother said something, assuming that I knew. When we spoke about it after, he said he always was going to tell me and blah blah blah, but I was floored by it. I think it is the kind of information that a person deserves to know as a very real factor in whether they want to be with you. And I think omission is as bad as a lie. I explained all of this and he told me that in the beginning when he wasn't sure what we were going to be, it didn't seem like it needed to be brought up. And later when he'd fallen for me and things were moving fast, he didn't know how to bring it up. I sort of understood that but I explained that in my only other long term relationship I'd been with someone who was honest as the day was long (to the point of coming to see me straight away to admit it all the day he kissed someone else!) and that the one thing I came away from that relationship with was an unbroken ability to trust. My feeling in relationships is that if you really love someone, you're honest with them good or bad, and if you don't then you leave. So it was very important to me that he just say things to me, no matter what, so that I don't have to worry about what I don't know, don't have to care where he is when not at home, and generally can be the person I've always been and trust my partner!

We moved on from this and I felt that he would now just tell me if ever anything bad came up. And since then things have been as good as they ever were.

However, yesterday I went online on the shared computer in our home office and when I was typing a web address beginning 'www.p...' I was offered an autofill of a well known dating website. I couldn't help myself and checked web history and it has been visited dozens of times in the past while. I know it wasn't me so obviously I'm horrified. My partner gives me no outward sign of being unhappy with me. We live together. We're planning holidays. We speak about marriage and children (not just me bringing it up, him too!) and spend all of our time either together or with his friends or mine which have become one in the same. I've been trying to reason things out and the best I can come up with is that he was on a couple of sites for about a year before we met, whereas I was only on for a few weeks. He was looking to casually meet people and had no intentions toward a relationship before I came along. So I'm thinking maybe he found it harder to just stop looking at the notifications when people are on his profile and so on?

I don't think he's seeing anyone else because tbh I don't know when he would have time to and he's usually with me or in work (9-5, not any dodgy 'late meetings'!) but obviously now I'm starting to become that untrusting person I never wanted to be. And I'm remembering back to my feelings when we first met which, despite how very well we got on the minute we met, were 'Oh my God, this man is far too handsome for me, it'll never be a thing'. And I'm torn between how can we be this happy and have a problem I don't know about and... of course he's not just settled down with me, he's a 9 and I'm a 4 and he always gets a crazy amount of female attention, it's a matter of time.

I know I need to tell him what I saw and ask for an explanation, but I'd like to know if people think there can be a reasonable explanation so that I know in my own head whether I should be thinking it's a pack your bags situation or not before I say anything.

c montgomery

Not telling you about the kid is very irresponsible and showed a lack of though fir you.
I have a child and if I met someone it would be the first thing I would mention.

The dating site should be a red flag for you. Plenty of good people out there, I don't think he is one. What ever he was doing on it he was not thinking of you.

CaraMay

Red flag no 1 - not telling you he has a kid?!?!? How did he know you would be ok with it? He didn't and he didn't care. He wanted you sucked in to reduce the chance you would run. Very manipulative.

Red flag no 2 - ye fully living together within 6 months?

Red flag no 3 - he's on a dating site. Does it really matter why? You are living with this guy within a short timeframe so how much do you really know about him? I would tread carefully op. He's shown that he can lie and mislead. I would be very cautious about this guy.

The_fever

Run for the hills.
Sound like a people pleaser which is dishonesty

Sunflower 27

From reading your post he sounds like a manipulative charmer.

As said above, the fact he did not tell you about his child is huge. I'm sorry, but anyone capable of hiding that is certainly capable of hiding that they are chatting to other women.

He sounds fake in the way he deals with people so for all you know he is not happy with your relationship and is seeking thrills elsewhere. I'm not saying this to hurt you, just to show that the guy is clearly capable of keeping things hidden (and that includes his child).

Have the talk with him. Don't dress it up, just ask him straight out so he has no time to fabricate a story.

I'm really sorry to read what you are going through and I for one am not going to berate you for moving in within 6 months. I know several good friends that have done that and have been together for years.

Good luck with the talk.

I'm going to go against the other replies here OP.
Yea, he didn't tell you straight away about his child, but I can't understand the reasons.

As for the website coming up, you wouldn't believe the stuff that comes up on my computer, I never clear anything.
Of course, if he was on a site last year it will still come up if not cleared!

Just ask him, its probably nothing.

daisybelle2008

Not telling you about the child is bad enough but how could he manage to hide it if he has a good relationship with the child?
'Is Mr Nice Guy' taking responsibility for his child?
He is clearly not a proud daddy if he sweeps its very existence under the carpet. That doesn't say much about his character. He can't be much of a Dad if he was able to keep it from you. It be taking a good look at that if I was you.

ShaShaBear

bubblypop wrote: »

I'm going to go against the other replies here OP.
Yea, he didn't tell you straight away about his child, but I can't understand the reasons.

As for the website coming up, you wouldn't believe the stuff that comes up on my computer, I never clear anything.
Of course, if he was on a site last year it will still come up if not cleared!

Just ask him, its probably nothing.

She checked the web history and she said its been visited dozens of times in the past while. Web history will show you what pages you visited on what dates and even what time so, while a visit a year ago could leave it as an autofill option, it wouldn't explain why it repeatedly shows up as being visited recently. The only thing that would cause that is
1. He's visiting it.
2. He's visiting another site starting in P and keeps accidentally clicking on this one over and over without realising he needs to clear his browsing history and not copping that a repeated visit of a dating site would do well to be explained before it's noticed.

FluffyAngel

hi op

is it so perfect you are looking for holes ?
when you found one its being blown out of proption to what it actually is?

could the laptop/desktop be used by other people?

speak to him instead of trying to second guess

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time of it lately.
I was in the same position not too long ago where I had noticed on his computer the dating website was on his most visited. This floored me at the time because when I first started seeing him he had taken his profile down and had removed his single status on fb and all that jazz
This made me crazy for a long time thinking about similar things, the what ifs and so on.
I decided not to confront him about it as I had started to think about it, he was suffering from really bad bout of depression and anxiety at the time and thought about himself and why anyone would be into him. I think for him and maybe for your OH was there was an element of reassurance from people checking out their dating profile. He needed to be reassured quite a bit at the beginning of the relationship

Since that happened I never saw it again as our relationship got more stable he became more confident in our relationship.

Sadly the relationship didn't work out as it fizzled out but we remain really good friends and I am happy at where we are at.

To be perfectly honest OP I'd maybe talk to him if you are comfortable in doing so but I'd be more concerned about him not telling you about his child. This is a bit more of a red flag as to something that could be a sign of things that he would be willing to hide as the relationship develops
You deserve better treatment whether it be with him or with someone else

Stay strong and all my support x

beks101

From your description of him, I wouldn't be surprised if he's still keeping a keen eye on his dating profiles. Remember, he's well-versed on keeping important stuff hidden. He didn't feel the need to broach the conversation about HAVING A CHILD with you as it didn't fit into the woo-ing business for him. tbh he sounds like your typical charming b@stard with all the standard traits.

If he's as flirty and goodlooking and charming as you describe, I'm sure he's getting plenty of attention online. Maybe he's not willing to let that go, as it fits into his self-image.

Have you had a conversation about being exclusive? About getting rid of your respective dating profiles?

zeffabelli

The only merciful explanation I'd have for hiding the child, is there is a story there with shame in it, either bad relationship with mother, a betrayal , wishing it wasn't true he had a child, or someone rejected him when he told them he had a child.

Dating website could be affirmation ego boosting.

So he is either a cad, has serious low self esteem, or both.

BreadnBuddha

Maybe he IS logging in to a dating site, but that doesn't mean he's active outside of your own relationship or having an 'emotional affair', a concept I find laughable sometimes when it's brought up here. Before I met my wife (offline as it turned out) I met a few really great women on a dating site. Some potential alright, but fizzled out, as is often the case in any kind of dating. In a couple of cases, we became good 'pals' for a period of time. No sexual chemistry between us as it happened but brilliant craic altogether.

Not everyone who logs on to a dating site is looking for a new partner or relationship. Not everyone who logs on is looking to mislead or cheat if they're actually in the early stages of a relationship with someone else. Maybe they're still bouncing the occasional message to someone they hit it off with, like I used to do. Nothing nefarious, just keeping in touch with somebody you got to know a little, but to whom you're not attracted beyond the point of being friendly and having a chat now and then.

Look, if he's a charming, outgoing, thoughtful kind of guy, maybe you should take that lesson from your last relationship and bring it to this one. Don't jump to conclusions and don't presume the worst. Tell him you're not snooping but that you started to go to whatever website you were going and saw the dating site come up in the browser history. That's the fact, right? Ask him to close or deactivate his account if he wouldn't mind, and that anyone who's important enough to keep in touch with could be better added a as a facebook friend, rather than still living part of his real life today in a dating website PM system. Leave it at that. No more needs to be said.

If he really is all of the things you've said, you really should forgive the misjudgement or his fear over talking about his kid, then leave it up to him to do the right thing.

I can't believe the things some folks here come up with, always jumping to the worst possible conclusion. Don't let that nonsense get in the way of what sounds like a great relationship with probably a pretty bloody decent guy.

Keep that ability to trust. You don't have to be a fool to do so, nor a paranoid snooper, you just need to remember that not everyone is a cheating, lying, manipulative, self-obsessed cad. Your guy there sounds like a good fella all 'round. Place some trust in him, be honest telling him what you'd like him to do, then give it a chance to become just another one of those little things we all have to work through when we decide to share life with someone else.

LegacyUser

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Maybe he IS logging in to a dating site, but that doesn't mean he's active outside of your own relationship or having an 'emotional affair', a concept I find laughable sometimes when it's brought up here.

Not everyone who logs on to a dating site is looking for a new partner or relationship.

Sorry what? You are actually delusional if you really believe what you just typed. So if your wife was on a dating site that's ok because maybe she's just curious? Don't be ridiculous. They are living together. He has no right to be on a dating site and believe it or not emotional cheating is a real thing. I just hope you don't have to go through it one day to make you realise it's existence.

OP I would just confront him straight out about it. You won't know until you ask and it's better to nip this sort of thing in the bud straight away. Trust your gut feeling

BreadnBuddha

longnecks wrote: »

Sorry what? You are actually delusional if you really believe what you just typed. So if your wife was on a dating site that's ok because maybe she's just curious? Don't be ridiculous. They are living together. He has no right to be on a dating site and believe it or not emotional cheating is a real thing. I just hope you don't have to go through it one day to make you realise it's existence.

OP I would just confront him straight out about it. You won't know until you ask and it's better to nip this sort of thing in the bud straight away. Trust your gut feeling

Delusional and ridiculous?

What?

Ah, hang on... Yep, there it is, the old emotional cheating bit. Should have known.

If someone is insecure, emotionally scarred and still hurting from their own experiences or just a good old fashioned judgemental type, it'll be hard to convince them that there's a reasonable explanation behind most things in life.

So you know what? Believe the worst if you will and enjoy a life of confrontation, distrust and suspicion.

The same 'there's no smoke without fire' thinking has probably ruined more good relationships than rooted out the bad ones.

Reality TV shows, gossip magazines and soap operas can be your life guide. Me? I'll get on with my own life, without people who see badness where only a misunderstanding exists. Good riddance to that type and their loss.

LegacyUser

longnecks wrote: »

He has no right to be on a dating site and believe it or not emotional cheating is a real thing.

I mostly agree with what you're saying, I think it looks bad if nothing else but honestly I don't really believe in "emotional cheating". It is just too undefined. It's a blanket term that can stretch from legitimate behaviour right the way down to sexting or whatever.

If the OP partner was using the dating site as a means to stay in touch with friends, is it still wrong? Could be the most innocent thing in the world, or of course, he could be arranging to cheat. The OP has no choice but to talk to her partner.

zeffabelli

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Delusional and ridiculous?

What?

Ah, hang on... Yep, there it is, the old emotional cheating bit. Should have known.

If someone is insecure, emotionally scarred and still hurting from their own experiences or just a good old fashioned judgemental type, it'll be hard to convince them that there's a reasonable explanation behind most things in life.

So you know what? Believe the worst if you will and enjoy a life of confrontation, distrust and suspicion.

The same 'there's no smoke without fire' thinking has probably ruined more good relationships than rooted out the bad ones.

Reality TV shows, gossip magazines and soap operas can be your life guide. Me? I'll get on with my own life, without people who see badness where only a misunderstanding exists. Good riddance to that type and their loss.

This is the best post ever.

Suspicion probably creates more problems than the actual problems posted on these boards and yet it is created so flippantly by posters.

Op start off with the most benevolent motives you can think of first or it will be your own suspicion that destroys things. Suspicion breeds anxiety and after anxiety conflict is never far behind.

LegacyUser

Zeffabelli did you even read my post?

All I advised is to talk openly about this with her partner because us speculating what did or didn't happen is just that, speculation. The only person who can shed light on the situation is her partner.

You may want to read posts more carefully.

Merkin

Less of the petty squabbling please.

strandroad

I would see it as a second strike, hiding the child being the first. Was he parenting at all, or just left the child with the mother and never visited him/her?

So it's not quite "his web history bothers me" but more "his actions bother me again". I wouldn't really wait to find out what the third strike would be, but that's just me...

daisybelle2008

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Maybe they're still bouncing the occasional message to someone they hit it off with, like I used to do. Nothing nefarious, just keeping in touch with somebody you got to know a little, but to whom you're not attracted beyond the point of being friendly and having a chat now and then.

Ask him to close or deactivate his account if he wouldn't mind, and that anyone who's important enough to keep in touch with could be better added a as a facebook friend, rather than still living part of his real life today in a dating website PM system. Leave it at that. No more needs to be said.

If he really is all of the things you've said, you really should forgive the misjudgement or his fear over talking about his kid, then leave it up to him to do the right thing.

Keep that ability to trust. Your guy there sounds like a good fella all 'round.

Nobody with half a brain in a relationship would go to the trouble to maintain a single profile on a dating website purely to chat with randomers they had no attraction too. It's absolutely absurd. There are plenty of PM methods like you say Facebook, or what's app, Twitter, snapchat that don't require you to maintain a dating website profile while in a relationship and people switch to those if they have nothing to hide. I wouldn't buy that line of BS from someone I was dating.

OPs instinct is telling her something is off, she should trust HER instincts.

It is also concerning that she has him on such a pedestal ('He is a 9, I'm a 4). I'd say she needs to take him down, take off the rose tinted glasses and have a good look at him, especially what kind of a parent he is, why he is on the dating websites and not paper over it with his 'charming act' ignoring all the red flags.

beks101

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

It is also concerning that she has him on such a pedestal ('He is a 9, I'm a 4). I'd say she needs to take him down, take off the rose tinted glasses and have a good look at him, especially what kind of a parent he is, why he is on the dating websites and not paper over it with his 'charming act' ignoring all the red flags.

Yeah this is a problem too. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone where I thought so highly of them and so poorly of myself. There's no equality there, there's no comfort or security. The danger is that the lad is going to get away with murder because "he's a 9 and I'm a 4" and the OP will tolerate all kinds of shyte from him. No way to live.

OP, you need to address your insecurities as a first priority, because even if this fella is totally innocent and the dating profile is just an oversight etc, you're still going to be biding your time with him just WAITING for the day that he cheats "because I'm a 4." That sounds more like a prison sentence than a relationship to me to be honest

zeffabelli

beks101 wrote: »

Yeah this is a problem too. I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone where I thought so highly of them and so poorly of myself. There's no equality there, there's no comfort or security. The danger is that the lad is going to get away with murder because "he's a 9 and I'm a 4" and the OP will tolerate all kinds of shyte from him. No way to live.

OP, you need to address your insecurities as a first priority, because even if this fella is totally innocent and the dating profile is just an oversight etc, you're still going to be biding your time with him just WAITING for the day that he cheats "because I'm a 4." That sounds more like a prison sentence than a relationship to me to be honest

Yep. You absolutely 100% need at least a perception of parity.