Wife angry about receiving gifts

meeeeh

Are you sure your mother and sister are not a bit overbearing? I am not superstitious a bit but if relatives started buying clothes at 5 months I would think they are completely nuts. The child is not even born and they are already dressing it. I think it would be much better if they decided to contribute to equipment you have to buy in advance.

I think your wife's reaction was over the top but I really can't comprehend why anyone would be buying baby clothes four months in advance unless they already decided it will be "their" baby.

amdublin

Some people are superstitious. Amd it's a known irish (silly) superstition about not having baby stuff in the house. On that basis I think it might have been best had your mam and sister asked you to check with your wife before giving the baby gift.
Saying all that, there was no call for the rudeness "aww thank you so much they're beautiful. But I'm v superstitious so maybe you'll keep them in your house and maybe X (insert hubby's name) will pick them up closer to the birth date. Thanks so much again".

portcrap

Wow thanks for all the comments, advice and insight. Great to get others perspective on it. Having read all the comments it's obvious there are some deeper issues at the heart of this. Depending on experiences, hormones, stress, state of mind etc. etc. there can be a very real fear, consciously or unconsciously that without having gone full term, receiving gifts at this stage may be premature. Whether that is a logical, rational belief that anything could happen between now and the due date, or something akin to superstition; "jinxing the pregnancy" (Wife's rational type (normally ) not superstitious).

In that circumstance I think being understanding is the best approach, not allowing the folks to take it personally and being supportive. I think in retrospect she will feel that she overreacted - misplaced attempt at being genuine and upfront - but recognising that one can be upfront and tactful at the sametime.

It was a lovely gesture from my family brought on by the excitement of a new arrival. Having heard some of the sad experiences of miscarriage from posters in this thread, I can only imagine the devastation and hurt felt having suffered that loss and seeing all the wee things meant for the child. And how that would only add to the sense of loss.

At the same time, on the grand scheme of things, its only a small issue, a few cute baby grows given with the best of intentions. No doubt it was an overreaction but everyone is different. I have kept all the things out of sight in the meantime. No doubt the wife will be looking for the gifts when the baby is born and show her appreciation to the folks then

Typer Monkey

meeeeh wrote: »

I think your wife's reaction was over the top but I really can't comprehend why anyone would be buying baby clothes four months in advance unless they already decided it will be "their" baby.

Ah come on, buying a few sleep suits or vests for a pregnant daughter in law means they plan to usurp her as the baby's mother?

A baby needs vests and sleepsuits from birth, a lot of them cos they're messy buggers. My mother in law bought me some for my first baby and some blankets. I thanked her for her thoughtfulness and it never crossed my mind she was plotting to steal my baby!

meeeeh

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Ah come on, buying a few sleep suits or vests for a pregnant daughter in law means they plan to usurp her as the baby's mother?

A baby needs vests and sleepsuits from birth, a lot of them cos they're messy buggers. My mother in law bought me some for my first baby and some blankets. I thanked her for her thoughtfulness and it never crossed my mind she was plotting to steal my baby!

I got loads of presents from family and was grateful for them. That is not what I am talking about. 5 months is early, I haven't bought clothes till 8 months or so, not because I was superstitious but because there was no need going to the shops and trawling baby isle 4 months in advance. It screams of over-excitement.

eviltwin

meeeeh wrote: »

I got loads of presents from family and was grateful for them. That is not what I am talking about. 5 months is early, I haven't bought clothes till 8 months or so, not because I was superstitious but because there was no need going to the shops and trawling baby isle 4 months in advance. It screams of over-excitement.

Nothing wrong with being excited. It's one thing if someone is buying the child's entire wardrobe but it's a couple of babygros, it's not a sign of a sinister motive. If she doesn't want stuff now all she has to do is say it to them but no need for histrionics over a simple gesture.

January

I must have been mental so... I bought my last babies buggy when I was nine weeks pregnant... it was a fecking bargain that I was not going to pass up on. It was stored in his room, along with his cot, his changing table and all his clothes until after he was born...

meeeeh

January wrote: »

I must have been mental so... I bought my last babies buggy when I was nine weeks pregnant... it was a fecking bargain that I was not going to pass up on. It was stored in his room, along with his cot, his changing table and all his clothes until after he was born...

And how many relatives bought you gifts then? Btw in my case it would be about 40% chance at nine weeks I will actually need the buggy. That is not me being overly dramatic but I certainly saw no point buying anything but my maternity clothes in early pregnancy when there is a good chance you won't need them. That is not superstition but statistics.

But my point wasn't that. Especially when being first person having a baby on both sides of the family you notice that people around you can be a bit preoccupied with baby and forget the person who is at five months dealing with incontinence, swollen ankles and tiredness. Frankly I was quite glad my parents were one or two flights away.

huey1975

She is a woman, and she is pregnant!
There is nothing in the op that would give any reason to expect rational behaviour

January

meeeeh wrote: »

And how many relatives bought you gifts then? Btw in my case it would be about 40% chance at nine weeks I will actually need the buggy. That is not me being overly dramatic but I certainly saw no point buying anything but my maternity clothes in early pregnancy when there is a good chance you won't need them. That is not superstition but statistics.

But my point wasn't that. Especially when being first person having a baby on both sides of the family you notice that people around you can be a bit preoccupied with baby and forget the person who is at five months dealing with incontinence, swollen ankles and tiredness. Frankly I was quite glad my parents were one or two flights away.

Actually if you want to get technical my dad bought the babies buggy for me... so he bought me a gift then...

Typer Monkey

huey1975 wrote: »

She is a woman, and she is pregnant!
There is nothing in the op that would give any reason to expect rational behaviour

That's quite the sweeping statement. So all women are irrational? Lovely

rey8px2m7altcs

I have to ask, why the hell are you not talking to your wife about this? Let her calm down, make her a drink and ask her why she felt that way.
If she is worried about miscarrying maybe you should know that and be able to reassure her more.

Gannon Obnoxious Wheeler-dealer wrote: »

Why is a pregnant woman deemed infallible and since when do people's superstitions and biological clock excuse their poor behaviour and bad attitude?

Ugh as a woman who used to get real bad hormonal surges (not anymore lol) trust me being a woman sucks! You can be fine and dandy... then hormones and poof in the middle of the kitchen balling your eyes out and wondering to yourself why the **** are you crying. Men are lucky, HOWEVER women can be right ***** so there is that too :P (OP NOT SAYING YOUR WIFE IS ONE!!)

implausible

It's not superstition if it's a likely thing to happen. I am a very rational person, but did not want baby things in the house until they were born, not out of superstition, but because of the very real fact that things can and do go wrong. You cannot dismiss a real fear like that as superstition or hormones.

However, hormones may account for her reaction, which sounds way over the top. Some time to reflect on the fact that it was a thoughtful, if misguided, gesture might lead your partner to realise that she behaved rudely. An apology is in order, not for her feelings, but for the way she expressed them.

MadDog76

When my wife is pregnant (3 times ....... so far ) she can, at times, be f**king mental to say the least!
Grumpy and ready to bite your head off for little or no reason.

I took it on the chin and let her be because she was pregnant and I understand it can be tough at times .......... however the only person she ever took it out on was me because she knew, pregnant or not, that it wasn't acceptable to be rude to people just because she was with child ....... plus I deserved it because I did "this" to her. :rolleyes:

Anyway Op, in my opinion, your wife was way way out of line ........ she's a pregnant woman not a temperamental tantrum-throwing two year old (yes I have one of those now and he's even crazier than his mother ever was!!! ) so you need to have a talk with your wife.

Best of luck ....... you'll need it!!!

contrary_mary

I have some sympathy for your wife - I had a high risk pregnancy after losses and was very anxious throughout and nothing was bought except the absolute essentials at the end. I also really enjoyed picking out the first little pack of babygros a few weeks before my due date, when I knew I would need something to dress him in even if the worst happened. I think I would have felt upset if someone else had bought his first clothes and definitely wouldn't have liked to receive something like that so early.

This may seem irrational but it's how I would have felt. I'd like to think I wouldn't be rude in that situation but I definitely would have felt upset by it.

livinsane

If she had specifically asked them not to buy presents until the baby is born, and they went ahead and did it anyway, then I'd understand her being rude.

Otherwise, the sensible thing to do would be to accept the gifts with a thanks, and put them away, and tell them that she'd feel more comfortable if they kept any other gifts until after the birth as she's superstitious about it. Don't want to be falling out with the in laws now!

LegacyUser

I had our first last year and if anyone had bought me anything at 5 months pregnant, I would have handed it back and politely asked them to keep it until after the birth.
I did buy buggy, cot,clothes etc but at around 30-35 weeks.I'm pregnant again now...11 weeks...and i am praying to god our 12 week scan goes well next week, even thouggh I had an early scan at 8 weeks and all looks fine.
For the record, I'm not that hormonal (and my partner will testify to that!).But...I know what can

go wrong. Not a hope in hell will I be doing a thing this time around either until about 35
weeks (assuming we get there ok).
I had some bleeding early in both pregnancies, and that has led to us being so very very aware
of how instantly it can go wrong...and how little
control you or the medical people have.People
who have problem free pregnancies often (not
always) have no clue of how that feels.I
remember being at an ante-natal class visit to
the hospital first time round, and there were a
good few women asking about where the
emergency room was and how it worked, how
they got checked out etc when they arrived in
labour.All I could think (and another girl quietly
remarked) was how much I would have loved to
not know where the emergency room was, amd
how their system in there worked.
In conclusion OP....your wife could have refused the clothes more politely, but I 100% understand where she's coming from.It's not hormones she's probably just praying it all goes ok.You should try talking to her about it (how shes feeling, not the clothes) because she could be hugely worried about it all.
And have a word in you family's ear about no more presents until afterwards.It's not unreasonable.

BreadnBuddha

She's not superstitious. The OP never said she was and he clarified that already.

lanos

She should be caned.

contrary_mary

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

She's not superstitious. The OP never said she was and he clarified that already.

It wasn't superstition for me. It was knowing very rationally that it would devastate me to have to deal with baby items if the worst happened.

Mango Joe

Maybe this woman has other issues going on but I would not be impressed by this behaviour unless she had a valid and logical reason for acting like an utter.....

Can't imagine that this is isolated either, best of luck op

January

lanos wrote: »

She should be caned.

Not an appropriate response in this forum.

January

huey1975 wrote: »

She is a woman, and she is pregnant!
There is nothing in the op that would give any reason to expect rational behaviour

Watch the sexist remarks.

BreadnBuddha

contrary_mary wrote: »

It wasn't superstition for me. It was knowing very rationally that it would devastate me to have to deal with baby items if the worst happened.

That's hitting the nail on the head. Exactly what we ended up doing and it just made it more difficult. Maybe that's difficult for some people to comprehend, but it's true. Like having to go through a loved ones possessions after a bereavement. For some it's almost soothing in some way, for others it'll bring them to their knees.

There's nothing wrong with anyone wanting to give gifts. There is a time and a place though and 4 months before an arrival date on a young womans first pregnancy, well, I see it that you're imposing a possible (unfortunately it's quite possible, not unlikely) consequence of having to be reminded of the loss etc.

So keep the gifts until it's time to give them. That soon, well, there's nothing wrong with giving congratulations, love, support and all those truly personal things you can give to an expectant mother.

Unless you've been through it or have the foresight to consider it, I can see how it might be difficult to grasp, but your desire to give a gift shouldn't override the need for tact and consideration for a probably pretty nervous woman, unsure and uncertain of what will happen over the following months.

Gifts don't provide reassurance, comfort and support in those circumstances. You might well be doing more harm than good and who'd want to do that if they truly thought about it?

eviltwin

Her fears are fine, that's not really the issue here. It's the manner she dealt with it. Being rude is out of order, chances are the gift was given in the spirit of excitement, generosity and friendliness. Not to cause offense or upset. Not to be deliberately insensitive or cause distress. She needs to eat a bit of humble pie and say sorry, clear the air and move on.

Jellybaby1

Absolutely nothing at all to do with superstition. I, and some of my friends went through miscarriages. My brother and his wife sadly had to go to full term and then immediately had to arrange their baby boy's funeral. How many posters above have been through this? To have a house full of baby clothes and toys, and not have a baby, is tragic and tears your heart apart. Maybe your wife is just nervous, but just be a comfort to her. None of my family or my in-laws gave me anything until our second baby was delivered safely. All she needs is the list from the hospital for immediate use and lots of love. Your wife should be your priority, and nobody else.

Babysmurf

Define 'went ballistic'? Did she raise her voice to them?

iguana

Shemale wrote: »

A friend of mine knew the sex of their baby, shopped and decorated the babys room accordingly, sadly there were complications at birth and she passed away so my mate had to return all the things they bought and repaint after burying her. Seeing what it did to them I wouldnt recommend anyone does it.

That can happen at any point in life though not just pregnancy. Babies die from SIDS, older children die, adults die unexpectedly and eventually all of their things have to be passed on too. And people can feel the opposite emotions too, after my first pregnancy ended I was sorry I didn't have an article of clothing to have something physical to direct my grief onto. When I got pregnant with my son the very first day I found out I went and bought him an outfit in the obvious hope that he would wear it (which he thankfully did) but also with the knowledge that if I never got to meet him, I'd always some sort of representation of the baby that I loved so much already.

Sam Kade

There'll be 3rd world war in that house if she sees this thread

Lucyfur

I can see it from both sides.

I know some women (or men/couples) can be really superstitious. I know a few couples personally who wouldn't have anything baby related in the house before the baby is delivered. They would have bought all the necessities and have them stored in whatever shop until the baby had been delivered successfully.

Pregnancy hormones can make a person react completely differently. So I'd take that into regard (I remember roaring and crying over a bin not being put out. It wasn't bin day. I still wailed like a bahshee). She might, as already said, just be scared and hormonal.

Personally, I can't say how I'd react. I've had one successful pregnancy and a few miscarriages. I'd like to think I'd accept a gift gracefully.