Wife angry about receiving gifts

Mango Joe

Maybe this woman has other issues going on but I would not be impressed by this behaviour unless she had a valid and logical reason for acting like an utter.....

Can't imagine that this is isolated either, best of luck op

January

lanos wrote: »

She should be caned.

Not an appropriate response in this forum.

January

huey1975 wrote: »

She is a woman, and she is pregnant!
There is nothing in the op that would give any reason to expect rational behaviour

Watch the sexist remarks.

BreadnBuddha

contrary_mary wrote: »

It wasn't superstition for me. It was knowing very rationally that it would devastate me to have to deal with baby items if the worst happened.

That's hitting the nail on the head. Exactly what we ended up doing and it just made it more difficult. Maybe that's difficult for some people to comprehend, but it's true. Like having to go through a loved ones possessions after a bereavement. For some it's almost soothing in some way, for others it'll bring them to their knees.

There's nothing wrong with anyone wanting to give gifts. There is a time and a place though and 4 months before an arrival date on a young womans first pregnancy, well, I see it that you're imposing a possible (unfortunately it's quite possible, not unlikely) consequence of having to be reminded of the loss etc.

So keep the gifts until it's time to give them. That soon, well, there's nothing wrong with giving congratulations, love, support and all those truly personal things you can give to an expectant mother.

Unless you've been through it or have the foresight to consider it, I can see how it might be difficult to grasp, but your desire to give a gift shouldn't override the need for tact and consideration for a probably pretty nervous woman, unsure and uncertain of what will happen over the following months.

Gifts don't provide reassurance, comfort and support in those circumstances. You might well be doing more harm than good and who'd want to do that if they truly thought about it?

eviltwin

Her fears are fine, that's not really the issue here. It's the manner she dealt with it. Being rude is out of order, chances are the gift was given in the spirit of excitement, generosity and friendliness. Not to cause offense or upset. Not to be deliberately insensitive or cause distress. She needs to eat a bit of humble pie and say sorry, clear the air and move on.

Jellybaby1

Absolutely nothing at all to do with superstition. I, and some of my friends went through miscarriages. My brother and his wife sadly had to go to full term and then immediately had to arrange their baby boy's funeral. How many posters above have been through this? To have a house full of baby clothes and toys, and not have a baby, is tragic and tears your heart apart. Maybe your wife is just nervous, but just be a comfort to her. None of my family or my in-laws gave me anything until our second baby was delivered safely. All she needs is the list from the hospital for immediate use and lots of love. Your wife should be your priority, and nobody else.

Babysmurf

Define 'went ballistic'? Did she raise her voice to them?

iguana

Shemale wrote: »

A friend of mine knew the sex of their baby, shopped and decorated the babys room accordingly, sadly there were complications at birth and she passed away so my mate had to return all the things they bought and repaint after burying her. Seeing what it did to them I wouldnt recommend anyone does it.

That can happen at any point in life though not just pregnancy. Babies die from SIDS, older children die, adults die unexpectedly and eventually all of their things have to be passed on too. And people can feel the opposite emotions too, after my first pregnancy ended I was sorry I didn't have an article of clothing to have something physical to direct my grief onto. When I got pregnant with my son the very first day I found out I went and bought him an outfit in the obvious hope that he would wear it (which he thankfully did) but also with the knowledge that if I never got to meet him, I'd always some sort of representation of the baby that I loved so much already.

Sam Kade

There'll be 3rd world war in that house if she sees this thread

Lucyfur

I can see it from both sides.

I know some women (or men/couples) can be really superstitious. I know a few couples personally who wouldn't have anything baby related in the house before the baby is delivered. They would have bought all the necessities and have them stored in whatever shop until the baby had been delivered successfully.

Pregnancy hormones can make a person react completely differently. So I'd take that into regard (I remember roaring and crying over a bin not being put out. It wasn't bin day. I still wailed like a bahshee). She might, as already said, just be scared and hormonal.

Personally, I can't say how I'd react. I've had one successful pregnancy and a few miscarriages. I'd like to think I'd accept a gift gracefully.

bonyn

It might have been a bit rude of your wife, but I can see where she's coming from. I know someone who would not even buy a cot until she gave birth.
Personally, I would not buy a present before a baby was born and I definitely would not give it to the mother.

meeeeh

eviltwin wrote: »

Her fears are fine, that's not really the issue here. It's the manner she dealt with it. Being rude is out of order, chances are the gift was given in the spirit of excitement, generosity and friendliness. Not to cause offense or upset. Not to be deliberately insensitive or cause distress. She needs to eat a bit of humble pie and say sorry, clear the air and move on.

I agree with that but I would expect mother and sister to have a bit more cop on too. I think the easiest solution is to suggest to the relatives to take it easy with gifts. I disagree with reaction but I can see why the wife wouldn't be happy about the gifts.

Also it might be a silly thing but I wanted my kids to be dressed first in something we bought. It is stupid but there are little things you first want to do yourself.

ChewChew

This is a tough one. I can also see both sides. Having been that first time mum, having a difficult enough pregnancy, an early induction and being prepared for the worst - hormones can be a right heartache. And most woman will understand that especially if they've been through a pregnancy. Op, if this is completely out of character for your wife then I'm sure your mum and sister will understand. Maybe a gentle chat with your wife to explain that her reaction wasn't very well received and would she apologise for what was meant as a nice gesture?

With regards having stuff in the house etc well my baby was the first grandchild on his side. His parents were beside themselves and were buying things left right and centre. Anytime we called for a visit she asked did we want to take any stuff with us - do every time we picked a few items to bring home with us. On the other hand, I had a chat with my mam and sister that if anything should happen that they were on standby to get rid of everything out of the house before I got home. Thankfully we've been blessed and we got to bring our beautiful little girl home but maybe your wife might consider that approach?

Best of luck op. Bear with your wife. It's a tough time. And chances are your mam and sister will get that too!

Shemale

eviltwin wrote: »

And yet many of us manage to do it with all sorts of other pressures without being rude in the face of kindness.

And yet every pregnancy and hormones are EXACTLY the same....

Where do you stand on post natal depression?

Cunning Stunt

I have had two losses - one at birth and one early on. Because of this, I was also nervous in my latest pregnancy (which went fine, thank god), and it took a while before I could bring myself to buy things for our little man - I was afraid to even pack a hospital bag! But that was me and I would still never dream of being rude to anyone who bought me anything for the baby - and if I was really superstitious, I would probably just graciously accept the gifts and then get them out of the house afterwards....

I don't think it was inconsiderate for the mother in law to buy these things - after all, the OPs wife was over the first trimester and so they probably assumed it would be OK to bring some gifts.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I wouldn't go that hard on the woman except that her behaviour was out of line.

I would advise the OP to get the wife to talk to the in laws, explain why she doesn't want clothes now, explain she is a little nervous about the pregnancy, apologise and move on.

At the end of the day they will be thankful to have support from these in laws once the baby hopefully arrives, babysitting through the years etc., no point in falling out with them now.

Cold War Kid

I don't think there's anything wrong with her preferring not to receive gifts while pregnant, because while this isn't going to cause harm to the baby, there are some things you just don't want to tempt fate with - even if that's superstition (which it pretty much is) it's fair enough. It's an exciting but also worrying time.

But I also think her reaction is appalling. Anger? Wtf? These were well meaning gestures and she got angry? I don't care if she's worried - anger is simply irrational. Thanking them for the kind gestures but then saying she'd prefer not to accept them while pregnant as it feels like tempting fate is the only acceptable reaction from her IMO.

Two of my closest friends went through a miscarriage at three months, and having to deliver a dead baby at five months, and I saw how this destroyed them but I still can't understand this woman's anger.

This stuff about her being pregnant so give her space, is a load of patronising silliness. Women can control themselves when they're pregnant. They're not complete hormone-led messes.

EnergyBlaster

Cold War Kid wrote: »

I don't think there's anything wrong with her preferring not to receive gifts while pregnant, because while this isn't going to cause harm to the baby, there are some things you just don't want to tempt fate with - even if that's superstition (which it pretty much is) it's fair enough. It's an exciting but also worrying time.

But I also think her reaction is appalling. Anger? Wtf? These were well meaning gestures and she got angry? I don't care if she's worried - anger is simply irrational. Thanking them for the kind gestures but then saying she'd prefer not to accept them while pregnant as it feels like tempting fate is the only acceptable reaction from her IMO.

Two of my closest friends went through a miscarriage at three months, and having to deliver a dead baby at five months, and I saw how this destroyed them but I still can't understand this woman's anger.

This stuff about her being pregnant so give her space, is a load of patronising silliness. Women can control themselves when they're pregnant. They're not complete hormone-led messes.

Most can, some can't. Give the ones who can't some space.

Cold War Kid

And pregnancy isn't an excuse for being obnoxious either.

Some bizarre comment too about "over excitement" for in-laws buying presents at five months. God, how awful of them for being really excited!

Typer Monkey wrote: »

BreadnBuddha I think you're imposing your own situation and emotions on the situation. I've had a miscarraige and have started buying thins for the baby I'm due in Feb. I love looking at new baby stuff. The OP never mentioned a previous miscarriage. I'm sure if it was relevant he would have.

At the end of the day she was very rude to two family members trying to do a nice thing. Being pregnant doesn't mean you can be rude to people. She could have said 'thanks so much for your thoughtful presents but I don't want to have anything in the house yet so can you keep them here for me until the baby is born safe?'

Also, what is she planning on dressing the baby in when it's born in the hospital. She's going to have to bring clothes in with her when in labour so she's going to have to buy some stuff in advance!

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

I was the opposite, I was buying things and getting stuff from the husband's family fairly early on in my first pregnancy, when my family found out they went nuts, thought I was jinxing the baby.
To be honest, whether I had clothes or not would have made little difference to how devastated I'd have been if anything had happened to him.

(By the by, I don't think "Oh pregnancy hormones" is a good reason for rudeness or bad behaviour.)

Dial Hard wrote: »

Family members buying a couple of babygrows is an imposition. Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now.

January wrote: »

If something happens to a baby it's going to happen whether there is baby equipment/clothes in the house or not. Your baby is not going to die or be born sick because someone bought you a gift and you accepted it.

I think your wife completely over reacted.

Sense. It lives.

meeeeh

Cold War Kid wrote: »

And pregnancy isn't an excuse for being obnoxious either.

Some bizarre comment too about "over excitement" for in-laws buying presents at five months. God, how awful of them for being really excited!

Sense. It lives.

Well you should know, you have two friends who were pregnant.

Btw people around me can be as excited as they wish as long as they leave me alone.

I actually like it how you present yourself as adjudicator of what is sensible and not. I am sure the thread can be closed now that verdict was passed.

mordeith

Not sure if this has been raised or not but did the OP's wife request that presents not be bought after she let people know she was pregnant? If she did, then the in-laws are out of order. If no, then a respectful declination of the gifts would have done.

Smiley11

Poor girl. Certainly it was an overreaction & rude but I doubt it was intentional & I'm sure she regretted that reaction soon after & will mend bridges with your family as soon as possible. You're both finding your feet with pregnancy & need to support one another but I can see why you'd be shocked at her reaction & also protective of your family's feelings. You just need to sit down together & discuss it so that you're both aware of each others feelings & boundaries are set should something like this happen again. Theres a tactful way of dealing with these things & you just need to help her in heading these situations off & mediating with your family. Sit down with your wife & then with your family & explain her feelings to them as they're most likely hurt that their kind gesture was rejected so sternly. Its just excitement on their part & theres nothing wrong with that, once they know how to handle that excitement in future.

Personally, I'm nearly 7 months pregnant with our first baby & have been buying small things since the 12 week mark. A lot more would be bought if I had found out the sex already! I'm not remotely superstitious & I'd rather be prepared for the likely outcome & not a slightly possible one. As far as I'm aware, Ireland has one of the best infant mortality rates in the world, but I'm open to correction on that, its not something I intend researching in my current state. Either way, I personally prefer to think positively & try not to get freaked out by what I hear from other people, which there is far too much of during pregnancy & its hard enough without that.

I've never understood not having baby things in the house before the birth as there are always going to be baby things in the house for subsequent births be it in the form of "hand-me-downs" from the older sibling or equipment still being used for a baby/toddler. Just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I don't respect other people's feelings on the matter...each to their own but talk to her so you're both on the same wavelength & better able to support one another through the rest of & enjoy the rest of this pregnancy. It will all be a distant memory when your baby arrives. I hope the ultimate outcome is good for you all & mutual understanding is reached between you all as family is what its all about.

Queenalocin

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I think your wife was way out of line. The sheer lack of manners is astounding. I could understand if your mum and sister were very offended by her behaviour. If me and gf were ever to have a baby and she acted like that I would be pissed off.

Totally disagree with Chemical Byrne, your wife is probably nervous and stressed out, being pregnant is not easy. I would never buy anything for a baby before it was born, just in case things didn't go to plan. The thought of having to clear stuff away would kill me. Your mother and sister could have bought a present for your wife if they were that keen on shopping, time enough buying when junior makes his/her appearance.

Congratulations, by the way, hope goes well!

Cold War Kid

meeeeh wrote: »

Well you should know, you have two friends who were pregnant.

... and lost their babies. Far more than two who have simply been pregnant.

meeeeh wrote: »

I actually like it how you present yourself as adjudicator of what is sensible and not. I am sure the thread can be closed now that verdict was passed.

Anger towards someone for well-meaning gestures is never sensible.

meeeeh

U

Cold War Kid wrote: »

... and lost their babies. Far more than two who have simply been pregnant.

I'll try to be nice. Not everyone has the same reaction to miscarriage as two of your friends. Luckily I only had early term miscarriages which for me were physically but not emotionally taxing. It's not pleasant but it's part of life and a lot more common than people realize. But I also know that everyone feels differently and just because you know two pregnant women it doesn't mean you can generalise.

The same goes for behaviour during pregnancy. While I think the hormones are overused as an excuse some times and as an accusation other times, pregnancy does affect behaviour. You might be tired, worried, not feeling great, there could be ten people touching your bump or you could just have a bad day. Not pregnant people overreact sometimes when under pressure and we are able to laugh it off as long as it's not constant. It's seems that when pregnant your behaviour should be immaculate all the time. OP didn't give much background information about wife's behaviour otherwise or relationship with in-laws but it seems to be isolated incident. It's hardly the end of the world and the type of the bust off that can be made as big as you want it to be.

Also I wish people would stop the condescending "superstition" comments. Knowing that things go wrong and not going mad shopping for stuff can be purely rational decision and nothing to do with superstition. There is a saying don't count your chickens before they hatch. And they sometimes don't.

Cold War Kid

meeeeh wrote: »

I'll try to be nice. Not everyone has the same reaction to miscarriage as two of your friends.

But they were devastated by it - I only mentioned it because I don't take for granted how dreadful it is, but I still think the angry reaction by the OP's wife was uncalled for. Not her refusal to buy things or accept gifts for the baby while pregnant though (due to fear of miscarriage). I'm not lacking empathy in that regard at all, I'm just in agreement with those who object to her reaction.

Luckily I only had early term miscarriages which for me were physically but not emotionally taxing. It's not pleasant but it's part of life and a lot more common than people realize. But I also know that everyone feels differently and just because you know two pregnant women it doesn't mean you can generalise.

Well I know a lot more than two pregnant women/mothers - the women I was referring to specifically weren't just pregnant, they lost their babies. I don't know why you keep leaving this out.
I never said anything to generalise, I simply said the reaction in question was out of order.

It possibly was due to hormones but this isn't an excuse imo. I think she should apologise (this is just my opinion) because nothing horrible was done to her - only something well meaning, even if she didn't appreciate it - and that should be that then.

I think the "superstitious" thing stems from the belief actually having its roots in an Irish superstition, but it can also be for non superstitious reasons indeed.

Queenalocin

Cold War Kid wrote: »

Anger towards someone for well-meaning gestures is never sensible.

Possibly not, but often when someone is angry and appears to over react to something, even a well-meaning gesture, it can be a sign that they are stressed out or worried about something else.
Nobody knows what is going on in another person's mind and sometimes, even if you think you hold the moral high ground, it may be kinder to take the brunt of the anger and move on. You never know, you could be the stressed out, angry one next time around.

Diamond Doll

I was thrown a surprise baby shower in the second trimester, and I was absolutely appalled when I arrived to my sister's place for what I thought was a quiet lunch and chat with her and one of my friends, and was instead bombarded with a host of friends and family and acquaintances with tonnes of gifts and cake and stupid party games.

I mean at that stage, I was still looking up daily what size fruit/veg my baby was at that stage, counting every movement (few and far between because of front placenta), analysing the chances of whether the baby would have a decent chance of survival if he was born there and then. Last thing I wanted was having all these gifts and clothes and nappies etc pushed on me, when the baby inside me was still so tiny and vulnerable ... I nearly wanted to tell them how overly optimistic they were being, that so much could still go wrong. I wasn't ungrateful, just a bit overwhelmed and freaked out by it, and it was weird going home with all this equipment for a baby that I didn't know yet would actually ever arrive.

Very Bored

I can understand your wife and her sentiments. However, I think her reaction was over-the-top. Explain to her, in a quiet moment, that you understand her feelings and that if there is anything she wants to talk about that you are always open to do so. Pregnancy is an incredibly emotional experience for women, whereas men, for the most part are unaware of the process. But do, very gently, explain that you were upset, not by her sentiments, but by the way she put them across and you feel that your mother and sister probably felt the same way. Would you, for example, have felt the same way had your wife said thank-you, that she appreciated their generosity but then asked them to take them back because she was superstitious and already very nervous? If not, explain this to her. I don't think anyone has the right to think someone is silly for being superstitious and so you, your mother and your sister should understand her emotions, though I don't think anyone has the right to be rude either.

Angry bird

Pregnant women being unpredictable shocker. She's a grown up and can/will apologise herself if/when she wants to. When baby is around she'll be glad she got them and this incident will be a distant memory if remembered at all. From our time I found it annoying the constant advice or basically telling us what we should be doing from every tom, dick and harry. It'll sort itself out and your wife has laid down a clear marker, not be interfering too much. Go with your wifes wishes.

I have had an early miscarriage, lost a 9 month old daughter, and a 3 year old son so I fully understand the pain caused by looking at clothes that will never be worn and beds and cots that will never be slept in again. I understand that dealing with those things make the grieving process even more more difficult.

However, I would never ever be rude to someone who bought me a baby gift during a pregnancy. If I didn't want to have the items in my house, and didn't want any more bought, I would politely explain the situation and thank them for their gifts.

Your wife overreacted, it happens, but it doesn't excuse it and a simple apology should be forthcoming. If she still thinks that going ballistic was appropriate then I have little advice but I would be pretty clear to her that she was rude and being pregnant doesn't give you a free pass to be rude.

Neyite

I've had pregnancy losses. And the bonkers hormones. I think that women who expect to be excused for bad behaviour because of a pregnancy are doing the rest of us a disservice.

When our loved ones get so excited they buy a teeny hat or babygro, it's lovely. It doesn't undermine a parent's love, or a parent's first moments that you treasure. It's simply a doting granny or auntie sharing your good news and being excited for you. There is enough misery in the world and all around us that we should let people celebrate the good stuff whenever we can.

Your wife over reacted. Let the dust settle a bit, then gently ask her to make amends with your mum and sister. Also ask your mum and sister to be gracious about the apology too.

Fagashlil

Grandparents tend to get over excited. my MIL arrived over one day, when I was about 4 months pregnant, with boxes of newborn nappies, and an outfit she had chosen for my child to wear when it was born. I was hysterical when she left, I'd bought nothing for my own baby, yet she felt it was acceptable for her to buy all the "firsts". Luckily my husband understand iwhere i was coming from. Yet I then had to listen to her ask would she ever be allowed buy anything for her first grandchild. I know I'm the type of person that if, God forbid, something had of happened to the baby, I wouldn't of been able to cope with piles of stuff in the house.

We came to a compromise, she bought nothing else before baba was born, I bought the basics for the hospital, and once baby was born, and we were settled and knew the gender, we'd go on a shopping trip and she could buy away what we needed.