Letting go of something so promising

LegacyUser

After four years of being single I met a guy who I spent 6 great months with (so granted, it wasn’t a long relationship). He takes the word charismatic to a new level – I never met anyone like him who could get everyone and anyone to do what he wanted. He was totally charming and I knew from the beginning I was being charmed but naturally I enjoyed it. He was totally complimentary, patient, thoughtful and extremely communicative with me every day since we met. Then, recently we went on holidays and the other side of him appeared; controlling, moody and actually sometimes quite mean and insulting. I had already fallen completely for him though. As I was coming back on the airplane from the holiday, I knew I had to end it. He had found a way of asking me to do things and the worst thing was that I found myself doing everything he asked! For example he would (jokingly) ask me to make tea for him each morning, and (jokingly) criticize how much milk I put in. I knew I was being tested though. It had become so controlling so quickly that I remember almost checking with him what wine I should choose when a waiter asked me. Unbelievable situation that I could not tolerate going forward so he left me with no choice but to end it.

Apart from this we connected exceptionally at a sexual level. He was by far the best sexual partner I had and was able to satisfy my pretty high appetite like I never imagined. He was extremely open minded and we had great fun and frequent sex. Even now the thought of him turns me on.

We have been in contact since I finished things, but it was always initiated by me. We agreed to be friends (the usual) but I can already tell that his intention is to take the best out of our relationship which was the sexual part and maintain it. I know this because we’ve had “webcam interactions”!! Part of me wants to because it was so fantastic, experimental and exciting, but the other part knows that emotionally it would hurt like hell to continue to sleep with him and not have more (which I can't because of his issues). I’m struggling so much to let go of all that the relationship promised because I’m 100% sure I won’t meet anyone quite like him again. I don’t know how to move on from here. How do you let go of a relationship that was unhealthy when some aspects of it were so promising and exceptional?

Tell me how

Bitterlydisappointed wrote:

We have been in contact since I finished things, but it was always initiated by me.

This guy is allowing you to serve him. He is not contacting you.

As the previous poster says you could go for a FWB scenario but it sounds to me like you are yearning for the positive elements of what you got from it in the early days and yet you can see yourself that he doesn't behave positively any more.

There is absolutely no reason to believe that you won't meet someone who makes you feel good again. You met this guy didn't you? You now know more clearly some things that might be important to you when connecting with someone and so you could use that to narrow your search. Internet dating is a very acceptable method to start that search.

P.S. Be careful with "web interactions" as they could be recorded.

zeffabelli

He's dominating your mind through the sex.

You have all the data you need to make a decision.

You can compartmentalise but realise that compartmentalisation can keep you in something bad.

The Princess Bride

Well done on ending it so quickly after discovering his true personality- this is where so many err in relationships. They try forget the faults because the good times are so good.
Had this continued, no doubt in time your self esteem would've crumbled.

Bitterlydisappointed wrote: »

Then, recently we went on holidays and the other side of him appeared; controlling, moody and actually sometimes quite mean and insulting.
I knew I had to end it. He had found a way of asking me to do things and the worst thing was that I found myself doing everything he asked!
It had become so controlling so quickly.
Unbelievable situation that I could not tolerate going forward so he left me with no choice but to end it.
I'm 100% sure I won’t meet anyone quite like him again.

Hopefully you're right about being 100% sure - you deserve better, don't you think?
As for the sexual aspect, there are lots of men who are fantastic lovers and nice people too- forget him, staying in touch will only cloud your judgement, you'll start asking yourself if you were wrong to end it, etc...Not to mention why you'd wanna be friends with a controlling, moody mean person anyway.
Like any breakup, it'll take time to get over him. Staying in touch won't help you do this, it'll hinder you.

mapaca

You did the right thing ending it with him, but he is still controlling you! Cut all contact or he will continue to manipulate you. FWB won't work for ye as your feelings for him are still too strong. You need to cut him off completely so you can move on.

Control, manipulation, moodiness, criticism and insults - after only six months? Where will it lead?

Rekop dog

Your examples of him controlling you are pretty tame tbh, maybe you just did a poor job explaining it but if the strongest example you could think was his joking complaints about tea then perhaps you're overreacting a tad. It all reads a bit overly dramatic to me.

njs030

Rekop dog wrote: »

Your examples of him controlling you are pretty tame tbh, maybe you just did a poor job explaining it but if the strongest example you could think was his joking complaints about tea then perhaps you're overreacting a tad. It all reads a bit overly dramatic to me.

I agree with this. Asking you to make tea isn't controlling, just say no if you don't want to! Telling you that he needs more/less milk isn't controlling either, I would find it strange you kept doing it if it was that much of a problem.

Most people do ask the person they are dining with to give an opinion on wine.

Maybe you have more examples of why he is controlling and moody? From what you've written it sounds like you're so used to being single you've forgotten how to be in a relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

If you took the tea making in isolation you could say yeah she's being a bit thin skinned. She also did say " the other side of him appeared; controlling, moody and actually sometimes quite mean and insulting."None of us were on that holiday with him. All we can do is take it at face value that she saw a side of him that she didn't like and to trust her judgement. Bottom line here is that the relationship is over.

OP the first thing you've got to do is cut contact. Delete his number and block it on your phone. Don't have him on Whatsapp or Facebook or Snapchat either. As long as you're in contact with him in any way, he's continuing to be a part of your life. You can't move on until he's gone.

beks101

Ugh, he sounds toxic. And well-used to getting his own way. This could very easily have turned into an emotionally abusive relationship, well done for listening to your instincts and getting out when you did.

Now all you have to do is keep listening to them. You KNOW this isn't going to be a healthy scenario for you if you continue having sex with him - the emotions are already there and you'll cause yourself a world of headfcuk.

Just keep walking my dear. Stop contacting him, cut him entirely out of your life - delete his number, his facebook, email, Skype/google chat and every single online or mobile interaction you've had with him. Once you've done that, he'll probably ramp up the texts and the chats because he's not getting his own way. Stay strong. Nothing he says has any meaning, he just has control issues.

You can totally do it. And you can totally meet someone who will treat you as an equal and not insult/demean/dictate you until you have zero self esteem left. You're worth way bloody more.

Rekop dog

Odus fell down wrote: »

If you took the tea making in isolation you could say yeah she's being a bit thin skinned. She also did say " the other side of him appeared; controlling, moody and actually sometimes quite mean and insulting.".

Yeah but usually when people are making a compelling case for something they lead with their most persuasive argument, hers seems wishy washy at best, so leads me to believe her examples of moody, mean and insulting would be even more tenuous. Really can't see how people can use the words as strong as toxic when referring to him based on what's she's given us. If anything he's had a lucky break getting out of a relationship with someone so flaky.

LegacyUser

I would agree with the above poster..if my partner asked me to make tea jokingly in the morning and I didn't want to I'd just roll over and say eh no make it yourself? And if they asked for a certain amount of milk then i'd know the next time to put that amount in. It depends on how the person reacted to you not meeting their demands, like if you said no and he got aggressive or in a mood over something so small then there's an issue. If the OP has more examples maybe we could understand the situation a bit more. Was it a communication issue? were you taking his comments rather too personally when maybe he didn't mean them in a bad way? What did he critisise you about? Maybe he was asking you to do things for him because as you said he himself was thoughtful, patient and caring towards you and wanted you to be too? Are those the bad examples of his treatment of you or are you embarrassed to give the really bad ones? Did you tell him how you felt about the things he said?

beks101

Rekop dog wrote: »

Yeah but usually when people are making a compelling case for something they lead with their most persuasive argument, hers seems wishy washy at best, so leads me to believe her examples of moody, mean and insulting would be even more tenuous.

Perhaps to portray as vividly as possible how great the contrast was and in turn how great her disappointment was? This is a confusing place to be, made all the more confusing by how different a face the person wore at first and how that was the grounds for her falling the way she did. That's pretty much the point of her whole post as far as I can see.

Obviously, we only have one side. But what I see on that side is fear, anxiety and an uncharacteristic sort of shrinking in the OP caused by this guy's behaviour and attitude towards her. No one needs to feel that in a relationship, especially not early on and especially when her gut already told her to walk away.

Ursus Horribilis

Rekop dog wrote: »

Yeah but usually when people are making a compelling case for something they lead with their most persuasive argument, hers seems wishy washy at best, so leads me to believe her examples of moody, mean and insulting would be even more tenuous. Really can't see how people can use the words as strong as toxic when referring to him based on what's she's given us. If anything he's had a lucky break getting out of a relationship with someone so flaky.

Seriously? So now she's flaky based on the little information she gave us?

Look, regardless of who said and did what, they've broken up. The OP's asking for help to move on. Not to be told she made it all up and is a flaky bimbo who broke up a perfectly good relationship over something very trivial. I doubt she ended it over something as trivial as has been made out here. She clearly liked the guy and is now disappointed that he didn't turn out to be the person she thought he was.

Anyway this is being dragged off topic so I'm bowing out.

zeffabelli

beks101 wrote: »

Perhaps to portray as vividly as possible how great the contrast was and in turn how great her disappointment was? This is a confusing place to be, made all the more confusing by how different a face the person wore at first and how that was the grounds for her falling the way she did. That's pretty much the point of her whole post as far as I can see.

Obviously, we only have one side. But what I see on that side is fear, anxiety and an uncharacteristic sort of shrinking in the OP caused by this guy's behaviour and attitude towards her. No one needs to feel that in a relationship, especially not early on and especially when her gut already told her to walk away.

The problem with these threads is we don't know if the interpretation of the other Is a true reflection of the other and advice is offered and decisions are made without enough detail.

We don't know if it's caused by the guys behaviour or how she receives the guys behaviour. We are missing tone, context, and the wider meaning system of the OP.

Ones own state of mind, mood, personal history etc, can shade how we read things.

njs030

Flaky is probably a bit harsh but according to the op she ended the relationship because he was mean and critical, the only example of this behaviour was that he asked her to make him tea and told her repeatedly how he liked it. Maybe there's worse things she is keeping to herself but it's a pretty strange example of the terrible behaviour.

So, her boyfriend asks her to do things, she complies and then uses it as an excuse to call him controlling....how about saying no?
Then she ends the relationship, he does the right thing and leaves her alone but she insists on instigating contact, then happily goes along with what I can only guess is some sexual webcam stuff and is now considering sleeping with him. How on earth is it his fault?? Op sounds confusing as hell!

If the op was a woman who's boyfriend had called her mean and controlling, dumped her and then kept instigating contact and enjoying webcam sex there would be comment after comment about how she is being used!!

Op did you discuss your concerns with him at all? Did he have any idea you weren't happy before you ended things?
Saying no and being more assertive might help you in future situations, you clearly like this man so how about sitting down and talking to him properly and seeing can you find a middle ground.

Whitewinged

Rekop do wrote: »

Your examples of him controlling you are pretty tame tbh, maybe you just did a poor job explaining it but if the strongest example you could think was his joking complaints about tea then perhaps you're overreacting a tad. It all reads a bit overly dramatic to me.

Sometimes these things sound overly dramatic in writing but in reality there is a valid concern over these seemingly "tame" controlling behaviours. That said, that is how controlling behaviours begin. They start out small and generally over time increase.

All relationships have little things like this where the other person does not do something in the way that the other wants it done however it's how it is approached and how often they occur. She doesn't make tea the way he likes it so he should just have made his own tea how he would like it instead he kept asking her to make it.

Sometimes being criticised for minor things is more damaging because the person starts to think that tea making skills are a huge significant thing. It's not the tea op is concerned about, it's the insignificant criticisms.

They are small but when they accumulate and over time can be very bad to a person's self esteem. I don't think the man is a mastermind planning and thinking how to control you op but being criticised to an extent where it makes you feel uncomfortable or not good enough at menial tasks is a red flag and obviously you didn't like it.

The thing to realise here op is that you did not enjoy his company on the holiday and that is why you needed to end it. When your in a situation like that it can be confusing because you were focusing on trying to bring back the qualities that you liked in him and probably felt his mood had something to do with you. It's natural if you think you are doing something wrong, you try to improve yourself to help make it back to how it was. You end up focusing on this and you miss the point that you are just not enjoying who he was choosing to be. When you are constantly trying to please someone they give you little "rewards" of affection and this gives you a high because you think "ah he likes me again, I'm doing something right". Then when the moodiness returns you are low again trying to receive the high.

So its not really about him not liking you. You don't like him. You don't like him because he made your holiday not enjoyable and he was moody, critical and irritable. He is probably not like that all the time but I'm sure you know yourself whether that is more the real him or whether it could have been just a bad week.

He may be great in bed but that is all you want from him. The risk with that is that you may delude yourself into thinking that by having great sex that the nicer qualities in him will return but they won't or if they do, it will probably be temporary.

So you have to ask yourself if the great sex is worth the moody irritable guy. If he is controlling then sex alone will not be enough for him because he will also wantyou emotionally involved and will do this by using a push/pull approach.

LegacyUser

"The thing to realise here op is that you did not enjoy his company on the holiday and that is why you needed to end it. When your in a situation like that it can be confusing because you were focusing on trying to bring back the qualities that you liked in him and probably felt his mood had something to do with you. It's natural if you think you are doing something wrong, you try to improve yourself to help make it back to how it was. You end up focusing on this and you miss the point that you are just not enjoying who he was choosing to be. When you are constantly trying to please someone they give you little "rewards" of affection and this gives you a high because you think "ah he likes me again, I'm doing something right". Then when the moodiness returns you are low again trying to receive the high."


The above is very valid. I did feel that his mood was dependent on what I was doing and if I wasn’t doing exactly what he wanted, then his mood would dip. I found myself giving in to what was suggested just on the basis that I wanted to avoid the bad mood /scolding I would get. Obviously this did not happen all the time, but it did sometimes – and that was enough for me to determine that we had a problem.

Thanks for the replies and I do fully agree with what is being said by some posters. I know I cannot continue the physical relationship we had because of these feelings I still have for him. It would be completely masochistic of me I realise that, but I guess in my weaker moments, I have obviously succumbed to them!

In terms of the example I gave, in retrospect, I can see why that in isolation seems like a trivial thing and therefore a trivial example of his controlling tendencies. Actually the reason why I mentioned it is because taken with everything else I discovered it was, for me, very subtle but very indicative of the way the relationship was going and yes, it did feel like a test. I said it to him too. I don’t want to get into further and probably more concrete examples of why he was controlling because I suppose they are more personal and in reality I wasn’t really asking whether he was controlling or not as I saw the signs for myself and acknowledged them. There were definite red flags in terms of controlling behaviours, and my instinct kicked into play. My question was really how to move on when you are so disappointed that some elements of a relationship make it impossible to continue. When you’re so unpleasantly surprised about the other side of a person who you’ve just fallen for in a big way, how do you let go? Anyway, thanks for the responses again. I’m taking the advice.

Ursus Horribilis

Apart from cutting contact, I think the only thing you can do is try to remember all those unpleasant characteristics you've outlined. That's hard to do I know because there was an awful lot that was great about the guy. Try not to wear the rose-tinted glasses too much :-)
Over time you will get used to not having him in your life. Sort of like breaking a bad habit really. What you're experiencing now is grief for what could have been. It's a perfectly human response and all you can do is weather it out as best you can. Keep busy, meet up with your friends, try to have a few things organised for the evenings and weekends etc. I think if you're sitting at home and giving yourself too much time to think, it'll make things harder for you.

It's never easy to end a relationship when you've got feelings for the other person. Sometimes we have to do things we don't enjoy because they're for the greater good. You were wise enough to spot the warning signs and to nip things in the bud. From what you've said, it was never going to get better. It was also never going to get any easier to end things.