First time long distance relationship

LegacyUser

Hi there, thanks for reading. I hope this is as anonymous as can be as it kinda shows how sad I am at the moment and I'm a very private person normally in regards feelings...

Last August, I moved abroad for my year of erasmus, and pretty soon had fallen for another student on erasmus from Germany. We fell hard for each other, and by January, we were spending 24/7 together (not only due to the fact that we were going out, but also because our other friends had drifted away and I unfortunately didn't get on well with my housemates) and when I say the whole time together, I truly mean it. Despite spending such a serious amount of time together, it never felt boring/annoying. We rarely fought, only over silly things when either of us would get really stressed, and we always talked about it, we were never angry for longer than an hour. We had so much fun together, it was perfect. Fast forward to the end of the erasmus stay, and we then travel to his home town back in Germany, where we spend a month together, before again jetting off back home to Ireland to my family. He's been here for six weeks and it has been nothing short of heaven. I am so happy with him, and he says he is happy with me. He has met all my friends, and I've met his, and we all get along, which is wonderful. My family loves him, and vice versa. Basically, it feels 100% right and I love him dearly, and he loves me.

But he had to move home yesterday, to continue on with his college (he has three years left to go!), meanwhile I start back on Monday. Needless to say, the goodbye at the airport yesterday felt like the hardest thing either of us had to do, and even though I've been crying about this moment since last week, I am still a shivering, shaking, crying mess. I miss him so much already, heh. I keep looking around for him. Because we have spent *so* much time in each others' company, it feels wrong to be alone. I keep talking out loud, forgetting he isn't here. My bed feels cold and everything is just like some exaggerated cartoon pain, but I can't help but feel like shít. He's home safe, and he says he feels the same.

We want to continue our relationship, there's no question about that. He is convinced we can do it, I'm unsteady about it because how can you go from everything to nothing all at once? Obviously it wasn't the normal situation with us, due to us being in that erasmus bubble and really having no life other than each other. Like, in a way, it's good that we can live separate lives now because that is necessary in a relationship to be healthy, I know this. But there's a huge part of me that just won't understand why we can't do that and not have to live in different countries. So it's not that I am upset about the separate lives thing, it's the fact that we don't get to see each other on a daily basis, and we don't get to wake up to next each other. I know it's obviously not the worst problem to have in the world, but I am so scared that it is going to break us. I believe in our love, but I also believe in stress and the fact that I push everything away when I'm stressed. I isolate myself. And I really don't want to do that with him. He doesn't deserve to have to Skype me and I will barely be able to speak to him. I'm so afraid but I don't know quite of what.

So I guess I'm wondering, are long distance relationships really feasible? Can you really go from being with each other and being able to touch each other, see the twinkle in their eyes and listen to them laugh, and then to switch completely to interrupted Skype calls minus the video due to internet? Is that possible? Deep down I feel it is for us, I trust us, but right now I feel so lost. I keep wandering around and walking into things. I know that we need to distract ourselves and concentrate on studies and jobs and the like, but right now, it feels impossible. I've never been in a long distance relationship before, and I just want to know that it will all be okay.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just don't know what I'm doing. I'm moving to my college city on Sunday, to live with a 'friend' of mine who I regret deciding to live with now because she has been nothing but a nasty person to me the past two months. But I have no other option. Everything just feels so desolate. I feel completely alone and heartbroken.

Ursus Horribilis

There's no one answer to your question. Sometimes long distance relationships end happily, sometimes they don't.

What made me reply to this thread is the way you behaved during the relationship. There's intense and then there's intense. It is very unhealthy the way the pair of you seem to have become so wrapped up in each other. You're talking here about a short relationship in the grand scale of things and you've already forgotten how to function as a person in your own right. Can you not see how there's something wrong with this? That you've turned this guy into the centre of your world and how that he's gone you're so incredibly messed up. He's not dead - he has just moved away. You're still going to be able to talk to him, you're still going to meet him. I think this separation is the best thing that could happen to you both. The sort of living in each other's pockets, 24/7 life you've been living is not good for either of you. Long term it's what will destroy your relationship. You've got to have other people in your life. You've got to have other interests and lives outside of your relationship. Living in each other's pockets and getting so incredibly caught up in each other is not healthy.

What you need to do now is learn how to stand up on your own two feet. Reconnect with your friends, learn how to function again as a person in your own right. You survived very nicely without him and you will again for the next few years. Of course you're going to feel lonely and you're going to miss him. It isn't the end of the world though.

LegacyUser

I recently broke up from being in a long distance relationship. It sounds like you were both very close and if you both are willing to make a go of it then that's a good sign. You need to know that it will take you some time to get used to being alone and away from them. If it is worth it then you will feel really great about it every time you get to see him.

Here's the bad part.. From my experience these long distance relationships need complete undivided trust on both sides. My boyfriend turned out to be someone who had a very short temper and being in different countries with arguing on the phone it's a truly horrible situation trying to sort out any issues. He completely cut me off because he didn't want to deal with getting through any issues no matter how big or small..and this is something you need to consider, because it's a lot easier for someone to cut you off if they want in another country. If you are too emotionally involved and it turns out to be a mess you are putting yourself at a risk, I would say don't do it. I've been a mess for a while because of it but I'm getting better now thankfully.

Please don't put yourself in this situation if you have any doubts or aren't fully self assured of your own ability to deal with these things. You already seem very deeply upset about it, and you should focus more on yourself. But since you love him you might want to take the chance and go for it. Just be wary of the difficulties that can arise.

iusedtoknow

I met my now wife while she was on erasmus 12 years ago. The kicker was that we met 2 weeks before she was due to fly home to Barcelona.

She had 6! years of college left and I had 2. We made it work via a lot of phonecall/skype and texting and any money being spent on trips back and forth. I worked some evenings and studied - we ended up seeing each other every 8 weeks...more or less. I was lucky that my boss was understanding and that flights were actually pretty cheap.

Some tips for you if you do choose to move forward with the relationship

1. Have an end in sight. Even if it is a long ways down the road, have a plan to actually be together full time
2. Be prepared to have some frustration. An argument that could be settled in minutes in person could rumble on for days
3. Have a life as well. Don't forego nights out as you have skype/facetime. Make sure that he does the same.
4. When together, do normal things as you would in "normal" relationship - shopping, laundry etc.

It takes some getting used to, but it can work

Flappidyflap

Aww OP it's pretty natural that you are going to feel hellish now that he has gone home. How could you not you both have been having the best time together!

I'm in a LDR and all I can say as they are hard. Very hard in fact.
I'm in the relationship with the person as they are my total fav person and my best friend. So being apart sucks. And it sucks when you go through life's little victories and even more so life's bad things apart. Times when you would do anything to just have them wrap their arms around you... But you are resigned to the phone or Skype. As the above poster says little disagreements that would be sorted in minutes can go on for days as you try to sort things on the phone. And Sometimes it gets so hard that I wonder if I'm strong enough to put myself through it. But then it gets close to the time we will get to be together and excitement builds. And the time we spend together is just amazing so it reminds you why it is so worth it.
Still it always feels like it's worth it.
So far LD is hard but we plan towards a time when we can be together.
I get to see him in 4 sleeps and I can't bloody well wait!!!

It's going to be hard and takes mega commitment from both sides but if it's worth it, ye will make it work!!

LegacyUser

Hi again, thank you all so much for your replies.

Odus fell down, you are totally right, and I agree with you 100% that it wasn't healthy. We both knew it, and in fact, we are both very happy that now we can get back to having separate lives from each other and get 'back to normal' as you say. It was an extraordinary circumstance on erasmus, so I kinda justify it to myself like that. It was major intense and unhealthy, but that's in the past now. Now we can get back to having our own identities properly back, however long that may take, while still remaining as close (despite the distance obviously). I feel much better today, and even got back to painting, which is something I have dearly missed whilst abroad. And once I move back to college, I'm in my final year so I'm going to be busy, and hopefully will be able to meet my old friends that I haven't seen in over a year. I think yesterday it was just grief really setting in, and not being used to being so alone. Everything felt so alien and cold. But I'm actually okay now, we had a nice Skype call, and all seems okay. Thank you for being so nice and helpful.

Anonadvice101, I'm so sorry your relationship didn't work out, I hope you're doing well. I totally understand the fear and uncertainty, especially when it comes to the whole cutting people off thing as it's easier when you're in different countries. But I have faith in us, and hopefully it will be fine.

iusedtoknow, thank you so much for that lovely reply. It fills me with hope. We do have an end in sight, regarding our future, so that's something to aim for. Yeah, it will be very strange when we cannot sort out a tiny fight within a day, but I get that that's a thing that will happen, and won't be the end of the world. *fingers crossed*

Flappidyflap, I'm glad to hear from another person who says it's working out well for them. You sound so happy to see him again, and I hope ye have a wonderful time. Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it.

Again, thank you all. I feel much, much better and am looking forward to plodding on and sorting my life out! Thanks

LegacyUser

Sounds like you should be the one to move when your final year is up. I met my partner of five years online & we are very happy together. I had 2 years of college to go and he had one then moved here to be with me. Both of us got cheapie ryanairs to each other every few months throughout the year. First few months were the hardest. We didnt like skype it made us sad but in the end, we left it on nearly every night and spent all day on whatsapp. When you know you know. Don't let people dissuade you. Best of luck.