Housemate's girlfriend overstaying her welcome

RachN0207

Hi Guys,
Hoping for some advice here and feedback as to whether I'm being unreasonable or not. I live in a houseshare with 4 others, all late twenties/early thirties. Everything was fine until recently when one of them starting seeing someone new. Since then this new girl is practically living in our house, she's spent every night of the last week here and is here during the day times too ( I'm suspecting she has no work and is maybe between houses or lives at home). I want to say something to my housemate about it as I feel it's unreasonable behaviour especially as they're keeping me awake til all hours as well. Am I the one being unreasonable though or am I within my rights to have a word with him/them or should I take it to the landlord instead?
Thanks

Miaireland

I think you are being quite reasonable to approach your housemate and tell that you feel that the girlfriend staying everynight in the house is excessive. Ideally if all the housemates got together and said it together it would probably drive the point home.

Is she there when her partner is not? If she is, she is using light, heat etc that she is making no payment for.

I would say it to the housemate first before I would got to the landlord. Sometimes people just don't think about how is affects everyone in the house.

salamanca22

RachN0207 wrote: »

Hi Guys,
Hoping for some advice here and feedback as to whether I'm being unreasonable or not. I live in a houseshare with 4 others, all late twenties/early thirties. Everything was fine until recently when one of them starting seeing someone new. Since then this new girl is practically living in our house, she's spent every night of the last week here and is here during the day times too ( I'm suspecting she has no work and is maybe between houses or lives at home). I want to say something to my housemate about it as I feel it's unreasonable behaviour especially as they're keeping me awake til all hours as well. Am I the one being unreasonable though or am I within my rights to have a word with him/them or should I take it to the landlord instead?
Thanks

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I suggest you and your other housemates make some time to draft a "house mates agreement" of sorts that will outline things such as maximum amount of nights a guest can stay and such per week. It might be awkward but it helps to have a set limit on what each housemate is allowed to do and if they break the rule then immediately they are being unreasonable.

He probably doesn't realize the effect he is having on the house though.

daheff

While I dont think you are being unreasonable, the housemate has a right to have visitors over. You also have a right to not being kept awake at night (its the banging headboard right??? :cool: )

I think her being around during the day (or anytime hes not there) isnt on.


If shes there while hes there and away in his room and not making a nuisance then I dont think theres any reason to complain about her being over. However should she move in on the sly, then you should and could complain to him about it.

the good thing about couples is that they generally spend as much time in his place as hers (over time)....so you will see times where neither of them are there.

RachN0207

She's been here non stop without going back home ( that's if she has one at the moment) since this night last week. He goes to work Monday to Friday and has left her here these days last week and again today leading me to think she has nowhere else to go. My other housemates agree that it's excessive but nobody wants to be the person to say it and we are never all here together to have a house meeting. I don't mind anyone staying a few nights a week but a full week without leaving our house is excessive I think. I think I'll just target him when he comes home tonight and get it over and done with. Thanks guys, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a totally unreasonable housemate!

Diamond Doll

What I'd consider acceptable is no more than 1-2 nights a week. Maybe a week or so at a time on an occasional/exceptional basis, but definitely with advance warning to all other housemates beforehand.

cruais

As far as i am aware, the max number of nights a tenant can have a guest stay is 3 per week. Anything over the amount is liable for rent.

It is totally unreasonable to have someone stay 7 days a week without making anh contribution to bills etc, and it is unreasonable that they are essentially getting half price rent. I would definitely raise the issue op.

salamanca22

RachN0207 wrote: »

She's been here non stop without going back home ( that's if she has one at the moment) since this night last week.

That is 100% not on behavior. Definitely have words.

VulcanRaving

I would definitely say it to your house mate first before getting landlords involved. Its the kind of thing that would annoy me as well, if someone is staying in a house as much as you are they shouldn't necessarily be getting a free ride. If he's a reasonable enough guy he will probably see it from your point of view.

Black_Knight

Hows the houseshare going Rach?

Tarzana2

Definitely say something. Can I ask, OP, how do the other housemates feel about her being there all the time? Because it'd nice for you to have some support if you chat to him about it.

One thing though, approach him kindly, he might realise the error of his ways easily. Sometimes you can get a bit caught up in things in the early part of a relationship.

Tarzana2

daheff wrote: »

While I dont think you are being unreasonable, the housemate has a right to have visitors over.

Not all the time though, that certainly isn't a right. If anything, even just for the practical matter that if there an extra person in the house all the time, household bills start to get pushed up and wear and tear increases. Many people don't like living with couples in house-shares and will actively avoid it, and a housemate having their boyfriend/girlfriend over all the time is like living with a couple.

Every house-share needs to come to an understanding about how often is OK for girlfriends and boyfriends to stay over.

RachN0207

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I spoke with him on Monday night in regards to it and he's asked that we just bear with them for the time being as she lost her job a month ago and couldn't afford to pay her rent as a result and so has nowhere else to go. Really don't know what to do now as me and the others feel too mean to say she has to leave when she has no money and nowhere to go. He says he's trying to sort a room in a houseshare for her but not quite sure if he is or not. Think I'll leave it another week or 2 before I mention it again. Hoping it will sort itself out at this point.

Wabbit Ears

When I used to househare a lot it was cool to have your BF/GF over whenever you wanted but they always were employed people with their own places and lives so it was never really an issue. generally at the start of a relationship there is a bit of non stop riding and that's to be expected, you have to wait that one out.

Sounds like, in this case, shes practically moved in and words need to be had, but give it another week.

the_syco

RachN0207 wrote: »

Really don't know what to do now as me and the others feel too mean to say she has to leave when she has no money and nowhere to go. He says he's trying to sort a room in a houseshare for her but not quite sure if he is or not. Think I'll leave it another week or 2 before I mention it again. Hoping it will sort itself out at this point.

She'll be still there.

wirelessdude01

This kid ain't moving anywhere in the near future. Get the backup of all the other housemates and put in place a timeframe by which she must be moved out. Also I hope that rent and bills will be forthcoming for her time in the house. You will notice bills creeping up with her being in the house 24/7.

In relation to the boyfriend, he is a sneaky good for nothing. Moving her in without even asking.

Exclamation Marc

Christ that sounds totally underhanded by your housemate, not even having the decency to let you know at the outset.

You need to sit down and set a timeframe with your other housemates by which time she has to be gone. Bills are going to fly up with someone being there 24/7 and unless you have an agreed time, she ain't leaving.

If you set a timeframe at least you can relax in the knowledge that it'll ride itself out in that timeframe, whereas if you wait it out you'll just be stressing and wondering when she'll be gone and it'll probably take weeks. Plus it gives her time to sort it out. If you leave it two weeks, you're not going to be able to demand she leave straight away, so it'll be another couple of weeks.

tayto lover

Get rid of both of them. Both are cheeky to not have asked permission beforehand.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

RachN0207 wrote: »

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I spoke with him on Monday night in regards to it and he's asked that we just bear with them for the time being as she lost her job a month ago and couldn't afford to pay her rent as a result and so has nowhere else to go. Really don't know what to do now as me and the others feel too mean to say she has to leave when she has no money and nowhere to go. He says he's trying to sort a room in a houseshare for her but not quite sure if he is or not. Think I'll leave it another week or 2 before I mention it again. Hoping it will sort itself out at this point.

I'm sorry, is this woman in her late twenties? While your housemate is out working and she's sitting around your gaff using your utilities what is it that she's so busy doing that he's the one who's trying to find her a houseshare?

I'd give it another week max, and let him know that's all ye're willing to put up with, or else he/they have to start putting in a bigger portion of the rent.

BabySlam

Be direct. Tell both of them it is not acceptable.

Penny Tration

So instead of getting up off her ass and going out proactively seeking jobs, she's sitting in all day running up the bills she's not paying?

You shouldn't agree to another week, unless it's on the condition that the rent is split per person, so she, you, he and all other housemates pay equal shares.

He's taking the piss and you're letting him.

Tarzana2

Agreed! You need to put a financial price on her staying any longer or else they will continue to take the piss.

moc moc a moc

RachN0207 wrote: »

Think I'll leave it another week or 2 before I mention it again. Hoping it will sort itself out at this point.

How will it sort itself out if you don't mention it again? I don't understand how this is supposed to work. You and the other housemates should be on his case every other day until she is gotten rid of.

Explosive_Cornflake

She's new on the scene also, he's been taking along for a ride while the rest of ye are also.

He needs to pay 2/5ths of the utility's while ye pay a 5th each. She sounds like a lazy sod and she'll be there for months.

RachN0207

I know ye're probably right and we should be more assertive in moving her on but I feel like everyone else has kind of left it for now so I don't want to seem like a bitch for going on about it again. I have a feeling that we'll still be in the same position in a few weeks as when I spoke to her this evening after work she was still in her pyjamas, not exactly a productive day spent out looking for a job is it! She told me she was going to go speak to social welfare to see if they can help her but not sure they will as she's a foreign national and hasn't worked here for very long. My boyfriend thinks we're all being taken for fools by her and I kinda know he's right but feel powerless to do anything about her right now.

Exclamation Marc

Also if you don't sit down and set a date, she's not gonna have any rush on. Free accommodation and utilities will make someone very picky and comfortable.

Set a date, that'll get her @ss in gear otherwise your housemate will probably be playing prince charming to his new gf saying that given there's no set date that she has to be gone by, she can stay as long as she wants (as without you guys setting a date, you're effectively permitting her to stay as long as she wants).

She has friends and family I'm sure and with no work she's not tied down to staying in some location. And as others have said, your house-mate is a bit of a mug letting this new one stay around. She could very easily be using him for accommodation. If she's sitting around in her pyjamas, that is totally taking the p!ss. She's clearly using your place as a free stop-off.

Señor Fancy Pants

Come on OP.

You guys are very clearly being used. That's not a problem if her fella is paying both their way in the houseshare.

Being human and letting someone stay short term in a place you are paying for is a nice thing to do....for a week or two.

I'm sensing that neither of them are in a rush to get her problem resolved.

Say nothing and she will be there until Christmas. It's not easy but she needs to be shown the door before she ends up wondering why you are still there.

Tarzana2

RachN0207 wrote: »

She told me she was going to go speak to social welfare to see if they can help her but not sure they will as she's a foreign national and hasn't worked here for very long.

Alarm bells right here!!!! If she can't get social welfare, how will she be able to afford to rent anywhere if she doesn't have a job? And lolling around in a house she doesn't contribute to in any way, has she no shame? Nip this in the bud now, don't worry about looking like a bitch.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Yeah seriously, the longer this goes on the worse it'll be. You're handing them the ability to say 'well it wasn't a problem up to now so why are you suddenly making a big deal of it after so long' and 'if I knew it was a problem I wouldn't have let it go on this long but nobody said anything to me' when you finally crack.

If she's so stuck for money, she needs to be looking for a goddamn job. You can have sympathy for someone and still point out that it's really not your problem, especially seeing as you hardly know her.

CatFromHue

You're getting alot of good advice here OP and I'm sure it's from people who've been in your position too.

As of now you're being nice to a sob story but don't slack off, this time next week bring it back up and ask hard questions and give deadlines. Not deadlines months in advance. Today is the 9th of September, next week is the 16th so the middle of the month. You should be straight up and say come Oct 1 either one or both of them is gone. From reading your OP it sounds like she moved in at the start of the month so asking them to be out by Oct 1 isn't you being a hard ass, it's actually you being very very nice. I've lived with people who would have after a week been straight on them and said no, and they'd be right too.

If your housemates aren't sure how to handle it send them the link to this thread. Everyone who posts here has house shared so knows exactly what it's like.

Some people genuinely are a but dumb when it comes to things like this. To give you an example a friend of mine was in your position in a much smaller place and same thing happened. The partner to the housemate lost her job and had nowhere to go. Neither of them contributed extra to the bills or rent and 6 months, yes 6 months as these things creep along and the couple decide they like living together, later when their contract was up they tried to stiff my mate on bills and made no effort to clean the place so they lost some of their deposit.

Also you may be in a situation with your landlord if there's 5 people in a 4 person place.

RachN0207

Thanks again for all the replies. I'm going to speak to the others again and see what they think about setting an exact date for her to be gone by. I definately agree that something needs to be set in place as she seems in no hurry. But then why would she be, it's a cushy situation for her right now. Tbh I can see our landlord having to get involved in this. She was just so indifferent to her situation when I spoke with her and never acknowledged that she was putting us all out nor thanked us either. But then I guess we're enabling that behaviour.