Housemate's girlfriend overstaying her welcome

geosynchronous orbit

an extra body in a house should be determined when the house share begins,,,
the scenario, as presented, would drive the majority of people who have responded to this thread around the bend.

Apart from sharing rent and bills the only other currency required in a house share is RESPECT.

The loved up dude who has moved his 'girl friend' in to the sharing arrangement without consultation has
spent his entire capital for a roll in the hay.

He is taking advantage of his house mates, and his bit on the side is taking advantage of strangers.

Both of them should be out the door really - I wonder what the lease says.

scrimshanker

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

Am I the only one here that thinks the heavy handed advice of ultimatums is totally over the top? An extra body in a house really doesn't have much impact on the other occupants apart from the person they're sharing a room with.

Actually it does, there's a pretty big difference, especially if that extra body is ALWAYS there. Not to mention that most people do NOT want to move couples into house shares.

eet fuk

It's also an extra person using a bathroom in many cases. Which can be a pain.

Exclamation Marc

scrimshanker wrote: »

Actually it does, there's a pretty big difference, especially if that extra body is ALWAYS there. Not to mention that most people do NOT want to move couples into house shares.

Especially if it's a complete stranger. It'd be different if the housemate moved in his long term girlfriend who was stuck but everybody knew and got on with, but it's someone who nobody really knows, not even the boyfriend.

Uno my Uno.

Manufactured Miracle wrote: »

Especially if it's a complete stranger. It'd be different if the housemate moved in his long term girlfriend who was stuck but everybody knew and got on with, but it's someone who nobody really knows, not even the boyfriend.

Totally agree, its a randomer in your house on their own while you're all at work, it would make me very uncomfortable.

Tarzana2

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

Am I the only one here that thinks the heavy handed advice of ultimatums is totally over the top? An extra body in a house really doesn't have much impact on the other occupants apart from the person they're sharing a room with.

Disagree, living with a couple is a pain. Most people actively avoid it. It's not fair on the landlord either. An extra body adds to the wear and tear.

oppenheimer1

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

Am I the only one here that thinks the heavy handed advice of ultimatums is totally over the top? An extra body in a house really doesn't have much impact on the other occupants apart from the person they're sharing a room with.

The most i'd ask for is a proportional extra contribution for the rent and bills from the guy and ask him to keep it down at night.

An extra body makes a big difference. I pay more to live with 2 other people than most other houses around me (there is a room left free in our house and it's rented in most others so 3 of us make up the rent). If one of my housemates moved someone in full time I just wouldn't stand for it. More people using the kitchen, more using the bathroom, an extra person in the living room etc etc. Not on.

RachN0207

OP here,
It's not even about the extra body in the house, I would have no problem helping anyone out for a few weeks if they needed it. It's the fact we were never told about it, never even met her before she moved herself in, she's there all day every day, doesn't bother to get out of her pyjamas from what I've seen although that is none of my business to be fair and she hasn't even had the decency to come introduce herself or thank everyone for putting her up. When I spoke with her during the week I had to start the conversation even though she was standing in my kitchen cooking her dinner! This is infuriating to me but the rest of my housemates don't want the conflict of actually straight up telling him or her that she has to leave. I'm going away for the weekend and on Monday I will ask again what their plans are for her but no doubt I will have to take it to the landlord then as I'm pretty sure her only plan is to keep things as they currently stand.

oppenheimer1

Angie Plain Appendix wrote: »

An extra body makes a big difference. I pay more to live with 2 other people than most other houses around me (there is a room left free in our house and it's rented in most others so 3 of us make up the rent). If one of my housemates moved someone in full time I just wouldn't stand for it. More people using the kitchen, more using the bathroom, an extra person in the living room etc etc. Not on.

Nonsense. It takes the same time time to cook for one person as it does for two. And the bathroom is hardly a huge inconvenience when she's unemployed, even of she wasn't and there was pressure in the mornings a bit of organising would sort out any issues.

The problem with house shares is that a flexible attitude is needed. An attitude that send to be sorely lacking around here. The pettiness is something else, for example one poster suggested creating a private discussion group and turning off the broadband during the day, ffs.

Tarzana2

Have you been a past moocher?

You speak about flexibility. What flexibility did the housemate display by not informing his housemates that his girlfriend was moving in?

Mr_Spaceman

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

Nonsense. It takes the same time time to cook for one person as it does for two. And the bathroom is hardly a huge inconvenience when she's unemployed, even of she wasn't and there was pressure in the mornings a bit of organising would sort out any issues.

The problem with house shares is that a flexible attitude is needed. An attitude that send to be sorely lacking around here. The pettiness is something else, for example one poster suggested creating a private discussion group and turning off the broadband during the day, ffs.

OP - give her a date to ship out or contact the LL if she's still there. Yer man will soon follow suit.

I've had an almost identical experience to the OP. Failure to clamp down means freeloaders get comfortable. It's as simple as that.

In fact, due to her attitude that the OP describes, she has to be told to jog on. She might even change out of her pyjamas in the process.

oppenheimer1

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

Nonsense. It takes the same time time to cook for one person as it does for two. And the bathroom is hardly a huge inconvenience when she's unemployed, even of she wasn't and there was pressure in the mornings a bit of organising would sort out any issues.

The problem with house shares is that a flexible attitude is needed. An attitude that send to be sorely lacking around here. The pettiness is something else, for example one poster suggested creating a private discussion group and turning off the broadband during the day, ffs.

It's an extra person taking up space in the house. Why do people spend more money to live with less people or live alone if an extra person "makes no difference".

It's a person hanging around the kitchen when cooking is happening, taking up a chair at the table, extra food taking up space in the fridge (probably being put on someone else's shelf). An extra person to make awkward conversation with, an extra person in the siting room (possibly when the other housemate is out thus maybe you don't have the place to yourself when you otherwise would etc).

The less I have to interact with my housemates the better and an extra person increase the chances of having to interact so it a big inconvenience. That's on top of the extra electricity, heating and extra load on the Internet connection.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope all goes well for you. What a shame none of your house mates have the guts to back you up. There's a pair of them in it and they sound like they're well matched. I'd advise you to put any valuables you own in a safe place for now. Maybe get a friend to hold on to them for you? I'd put nothing past this pair once things start moving.

Tarzana2

Angie Plain Appendix wrote: »

It's an extra person taking up space in the house. Why do people spend more money to live with less people or live alone if an extra person "makes no difference".

It's a person hanging around the kitchen when cooking is happening, taking up a chair at the table, extra food taking up space in the fridge (probably being put on someone else's shelf). An extra person to make awkward conversation with, an extra person in the siting room (possibly when the other housemate is out thus maybe you don't have the place to yourself when you otherwise would etc).

The less I have to interact with my housemates the better and an extra person increase the chances of having to interact so it a big inconvenience. That's on top of the extra electricity, heating and extra load on the Internet connection.

I don't think people need to be best buds with their housemates but gawd, you're fierce insular. I'd hate to live with someone who regarded me with such disdain just because I hold the title of 'housemate'.

Tarzana2

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I don't think people need to be best buds with their housemates but gawd, you're fierce insular. I'd hate to live with someone who regarded me with such disdain just because I hold the title of 'housemate'.

It's not distain, I just like my own space in the house and thankfully my current house share very much gives me that. Basically having the living room and kitchen to myself all the time due to the others either being out or spending all their time in their room. It's about a month since I've actually been in the same room as one of my housemates and when you get used to this I find when you do meet it ends up in either conversations about the weather or asking them for bills money (hence the awkward conversations).

I'm just not into making friends with housemates and I prefer to say wait till they are finished cooking and have gone to their room before going to the kitchen etc and an extra person in the house makes this more difficult which is the point I was getting at.

Ursus Horribilis

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

Nonsense. It takes the same time time to cook for one person as it does for two. And the bathroom is hardly a huge inconvenience when she's unemployed..

Ah but it's not just "one more person" that the OP is dealing with under her roof. She now has a couple on her hands and there's a good reason why so many people won't share with couples. A couple changes the way a house share works, especially if they aren't the considerate type. The worst sort hog the kitchen, hog the sitting room, make their house mates feel uncomfortable and make too much noise. They can also make their housemates feel like spare wheels in their own home.

When the OP goes about tackling the issue of the girlfriend, she's going to be dealing with not one but two indignant people who'll be backing each other up to the hilt. Even the way the girlfriend just came into the house and couldn't be bothered introducing herself speaks volumes about the power of being in a couple.

Tarzana2

Angie Plain Appendix wrote: »

It's not distain

It massively comes across that way. Would you not just make life easier for yourself and not treat your housemates like lepers? It sounds like you're creating a lot of the awkwardness yourself. I like my own space too, lots of it, but when I lived in houseshares, that's what my room was for. I never set out to make friends with my housemates, but sometimes it has happened organically through, ya know, talking to them and finding out we have common ground. Some of my current friends were former housemates. I didn't force friendship on them, we just got on.

moc moc a moc

Angie Plain Appendix wrote: »

It's about a month since I've actually been in the same room as one of my housemates
...
I prefer to say wait till they are finished cooking and have gone to their room before going to the kitchen etc.

This is not normal.

moc moc a moc

moc moc a moc wrote: »

This is not normal.

Nonsense, I just prefer my own space when cooking etc.

Housemates I've had tend to do the same, often waiting till I leave to use the kitchen etc. I'd see it as pretty normal for my experience of houseshares.

I wouldn't be a month without being in a room if the other person wasn't also doing the same. I see nothing at all wrong with wanting to avoid housemates where possible.

Tarzana2

moc moc a moc wrote: »

This is not normal.

Maybe a bit strong but I agree it's very anti-social and insular.

In a houseshare, you have to accept that you might not always have your own space in living areas. It sounds like house-sharing isn't for you. But if financial constraints won't allow you to live alone, you need to accept that, and not make the living situation awkward for everyone. I've lived with housemates like you, and it creates such an uncomfortable atmosphere in the house.

I also just think it's bizarre to blanket avoid people. You might get along very well with someone if you get to know them rather than just disregarding them.

Tarzana2

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Maybe a bit strong but I agree it's very anti-social and insular.

I don't see why it's a problem, this is how I like to do things and don't see why I should change my ways. I don't really care if it's anti-social or insular I'm happier doing things my way.

Also it's not blanket avoiding and I do chat to my housemates but with me being out of the house a lot along with the others also due to us heading home for weekends, working etc along with generally just leaving people alone when in the kitchen, living room etc we just tend to not bother much with each other in the house and this is exactly how I like it.

This is why an extra person in the House would be an issue for me on top of the obvious things like bills etc.

scrimshanker

Tbh, life can be easier if you don't have three people on top of each other in the kitchen. It's easier to cook your food when two others aren't getting in the way or also trying to cook! That's just a convenience thing, and I'd have done the same even when living with one of my best friends.

athtrasna

Enough of the personal attacks. The forum charter clearly states "attack the post not the poster"

Also off topic posts will be deleted so please don't waste your time or ours. Thanks

Mod

James 007

RachN0207 wrote: »

OP here,
....................and she hasn't even had the decency to come introduce herself or thank everyone for putting her up. When I spoke with her during the week I had to start the conversation even though she was standing in my kitchen cooking her dinner! This is infuriating to me but the rest of my housemates don't want the conflict...............

Once upon a time I was living with a new german guy in a house, and I arrived from the sitting room into the kitchen. He had barely moved in two or three days. He waited for me to start a conversation and I waited for him to start a conversation. I ended up having my meal and getting disturbed to take a phone call. I must of been in the sitting room for half and hour, without conversation. Yes, I had learnt from many foreigners habits in the past, not to strike up a conversation unless they engaged with me first. The 'irishness' in me encouraged me to start the conversations and make an effort.

By not conversing with you, she is making you feel uncomfortable and perhaps she feels that she is above you. From my experience I have seen this with alot of foreigners in general. Its true what they say, Irish people are more open and more friendly, but sometimes that can be a disadvantage in such a situation like this. I deal with foreign people all the time now renting accommodation for an Uncle of mine. I have had situations exactly like yours where the one non Irish person has moved his/her boyfriend/girlfriend into the house and the same behaviours as outlined above and in your case have occurred.

If it was me I would feel the same way. I once moved into a house, max. four of us and a girl decided to move in her boyfriend. I said it to the landlord and he seemed to deem it acceptable. I looked for a rent reduction because when I looked for a house, I looked for one with 4 persons max. He sided with the girl, stated that my rent was nothing to do with hers as rooms were rented out on an individual basis. Only thing he did say was to divde the bills. He sided with her too as I had an issue with one of his long term tenants wo used to leave the heat on all day. I and another tenant tried to control the heating, but this long term tenant ended up buying an electric heater. It turned out then that the girls boyfriend was unemployed and in the house all day and the heat was on all day too. I taught that the landlord was very ignorant to side with her knowing that I was in a situation to ship up or ship out as he knew he could fill my room 10 times if I vacated the house.

Ever since then, I only now will live with two max. This is my current situation. I am a bit like NOX 001 above, I need my own space and privacy and most times I prefer to not engage too much with the other tenant. It works quite well now, I work days, he works over 3 shifts, I have the sitting room to myself in the evenings most times and he has it in the day times when on shift.

For the OP, you do need to call a meeting with the rest of the house mates, go to the nearest cafe and have a discussion. You need them on your side and you need to lay down the law as soon as possible.

Optimalprimerib

scrimshanker wrote: »

Actually it does, there's a pretty big difference, especially if that extra body is ALWAYS there. Not to mention that most people do NOT want to move couples into house shares.

My lodger took advantageof me for 3 months on this. He wanted to double the rent but i refused, instead wanted an extra half. For the simple reason, i did not want her here. i did allow her to stay but made it clear that this was temporary. I was still too soft and he took advantage.


There are implications such as overuse of the facilitys, the washing machine was used more, harder to use the kitchen, washing line etc.

Listening to them fight, have sex affected my sleep, but ultimately, it was 2 vs 1 in all matters. I was a guest in my own home.

So all in all it is really important that you nip this in the bud asap. If you fall out over it, so be it. 3 is a crowd, so that will happen eventually.

Exclamation Marc

Not to sound cynical but she's put down no deposit either so if she breaks something (which given that she's in the apartment all the time is more likely than a regular housemate breaking something), she'll be out of there untraceable if something happens. Sure, you'll look to the guy for it, but it's another potential problem.

professore

PolarRoscoe wrote: »

This is a simple case of your housemates judgement being clouded by his hormones. You should have a word to take him back to coherent thinking. He doesn't see what is happening as wrong as he is happy with the situation

Nail hit on the head Polar, well done.

eet fuk

Angie Plain Appendix wrote: »

I don't see why it's a problem, this is how I like to do things and don't see why I should change my ways. I don't really care if it's anti-social or insular I'm happier doing things my way.

Also it's not blanket avoiding and I do chat to my housemates but with me being out of the house a lot along with the others also due to us heading home for weekends, working etc along with generally just leaving people alone when in the kitchen, living room etc we just tend to not bother much with each other in the house and this is exactly how I like it.

This is why an extra person in the House would be an issue for me on top of the obvious things like bills etc.

You're right, it's not a problem. I find that sometimes it's mostly small talk to fill dead air when I've been in the same room as housemates. No need for it really. Obviously if ye get on then this isn't an issue, but there's nothing wrong with just wanting to have time to yourself after a day at work.

In fact, I often appreciate when I'm left to my own devices in the kitchen to cook or in the common area for an hour (If I'm watching something). It works both ways, so of course I would reciprocate.

bidiots

Sweet jesus this is a scary thread for anyone who may need to houseshare in the future:eek: that's it, I'm getting married!

eet fuk

bidiots wrote: »

Sweet jesus this is a scary thread for anyone who may need to houseshare in the future:eek: that's it, I'm getting married!

Haha! Once you don't move the spouse into your gaf without forewarning your housemates you should be solid