Overreaction? Please advise

LegacyUser

I would really appreciate your opinions on this situation.

I was diagnosed with depression late last year and was put on medication for it. It helped but I still had low days. Even though my doctor advised me to confide in my family I only told two people, my partner and an older sibling. Anybody else who knows me wouldn’t have an idea as to what is going on with me as I put on such an act each day it is utterly exhausting.

As a result of the medication I have put on weight, approx. 2 stone which is very noticeable as I am quite short. This just adds to my self-loathing and I am never happy with what I am wearing and usually stick to the same ‘safe’ clothes.

The past few weeks have been particularly bad for me as my current job contract is due to end soon so financial worries and pressures are mounting. I struggle to get myself up and dressed for work and am often in tears doing so.

This evening after dinner, I sat down with a dessert, my partner took one look at it and said he wanted to speak to me but was afraid I ‘would take it the wrong way’. He continued on about how I am always talking about how unhappy I am both in general and in the way I look. He said when I was thinner I was happier! I explained how untrue that was as it was when I was thin that I was depressed in the first place. He went on about our upcoming wedding and how he doesn’t want me upset on the day if I am not at my ideal size as it will effect other people as well. He asked me why I joined a slimming club and left. I tried to ask him why he was bringing this up when he knew I am at a very low point mentally at the moment. All he kept saying was ‘I can’t even talk to you without you taking it the wrong way’. How am I supposed to take it? I was crying at this stage as it hurt so much to hear this. I am still upset now.

Am I totally overreacting to what he said? Bottom line he is calling me fat whatever way he wants to decorate it. Can somebody please give me an honest opinion as to whether my reaction is warranted.

Thank you for reading

ManOfMystery

Truthfully, I think you're overreacting.

I don't see any evidence of a partner who was cheeky, rude or abusive. What I do see is a partner who seemed to be trying to tactfully and respectfully address weight gain issues for genuine reasons; because he knows it's adding to your depression, and because he knows you'll want to look back on your wedding day and feel you were at your best.

Having the weight discussion with anyone (and sorry ladies, but I'm going to say it anyway - particularly women!) is not easy. He probably spent a fair bit of time trying to decide how to word it when speaking with you.

donewithit07 wrote: »

Bottom line he is calling me fat

That's an incredibly touchy way of looking at it. Calling someone fat is an insulting way of speaking to them. What your partner is trying to do is discuss a relatively small weight gain which he likely feels is contributing to your ongoing issues with depression.

You have 2 options here at this point. You can "punish" your partner for what you perceive as rude behaviour on his part, which to be honest will probably just make it highly unlikely that he'll feel comfortable broaching difficult subjects with you again in future. Or you can accept that he is concerned about you because he loves you, and was doing his best to address a difficult topic. Your call.

luckydingo

Hi,

I am no expert but seeing as i just posted and I am also seeking advice from you guys here i can give you my two cents if you like.

I don't know you so please don't take anything the wrong way.

You mentioned at the start of your post that you put on weight (noticeable weight) - and you re not happy about it.

So take it as a given then you are a bit over weight. Your partner will have noticed this too and he is also probably very aware of how upset you are. It was probably very tough for him to say it too you and maybe finally got the courage to say it too you. I doubt it came from a negative place with the aim to hurt you but rather light a little fire under you and get you to try do something about it. He probably hit a nerve with you because he may well be right and deep down you kinda know it.

My wife lost weight this year and her mood in general is so much better.

If it was reversed and your partner put on the equivalent weight for his size - being a man that could be 3 or 4 stone you might find yourself thinking hmmm hes putting on a few too many pounds here.

And truth be told a substantial amount of weight can change your appearance and shallow as it may seem a large part of being attracted to your partner is physical as well as the person themselves.

From the way you described how your partner raised the subject in my opinion it sounds like he tried to be pretty tactful. There are men and women out there who would be a lot more blunt / up front about it.

Lots of forums have posts coming from the opposite side. People who's partners put on some weight asking for advice on how to address it with their better half's. Have a read of some of these and it might give you a perspective from your partners side

Try work thereto on it - it will be better in the long run.

Penny Tration

Honestly yes, I think you're over reacting.

You say he's calling you fat - has he, though? Has he actually said that you're fat? It doesn't sound like he has.

He mentioned you being happier when you were thinner and you say that's not true. But it SEEMS that way to him, because you weren't going on about your weight and sticking to the same safe clothing all the time. So to him, you seemed happier at a lower weight because it was one less issue for you to deal with.

He honestly sounds as though he's doing his very best to be supportive and encourage you to turn things around.

I understand why you see it in another way, though. When we're depressed, rational thinking and logic go out of the window. You're unhappy with your weight, so as soon as he comments on it, it hurts and you think he's calling you fat. He's not, though. He's encouraging you to change things that are bringing you down, for YOUR sake.

Tbh, I think you should go back to your GP, get a referral to a psychiatrist (the only person who can actually diagnose you with a mental health issue), and set out a treatment plan.

The reason your doctor suggested you tell people is simple - to build a support network. Medication can help, but it's a stepping stone. It takes the edge off of the pain, and then you have to do the other 70% of the work to get better. You need to follow your doctor's advice. You haven't, and look how miserable you are. So surely it's worth a try?

OP, your partner honestly sounds like a very kind and supportive person, and i think that once you're in a better place, you'll realise that for yourself.

Please go back to your doctor. It's not the norm to still feel so awful after medication has kicked in.

giggle84

You're probably going to get a lot of different responses to this, so I'll start and say that I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, and that while I don't suffer with depression, I do understand how you feel about the weight/self confidence issue. I struggle with my weight and it's something I'm very sensitive about. My boyfriend raised it a couple of months ago in much the same way, that he knew I wasn't happy with my weight and that all I had to do was eat less and I'd be grand basically.. as if it's that simple! I'm sure for some people it is but not for everyone. Anyway I barely spoke to him for a few days because I was so hurt and he was confused and upset that he'd upset me.

After that I gave myself a bit of a talking to and accepted that while his approach might have been (to me being sensitive) a bit harsh, he really was only trying to help because he loves me and doesn't want me to be unhappy with myself. I'm sure your fiancé is the same, he loves you and he wants you to be happy, but he's viewing this through a man's practical eyes and wants to fix the problem and doesn't understand that the weight gain is probably a symptom rather than the problem.

Do you exercise? I recently took up running, which for me is incredible progress seriously, I've never ran in my life before! I won't lie it is hard but it's a challenge I'm actually enjoying because I started to see improvements in my fitness level (which was previously about -100) quite quickly. I'm trying to focus on health rather than weight and I feel a lot better. Maybe you could try it too, try a couch to 5k program (there are apps you can do yourself or clubs you can join), an aerobics class, swimming, anything really.. it might help you to feel a bit healthier and better about yourself, and I bet it would also help with the depression.

It's hard to get started but the only person who can change anything is you and believe me if I can do it, anyone can do it! You're stronger than you think you are!

LegacyUser

Op I think you are overreacting he's only trying to help and he obviously knows that you are unhappy otherwise he wouldn't have mentioned it. Nowhere does call you fat and to be honest he seems to have approached you in a supportive manner rather than going in all guns blazing.
You have admitted putting on weight and this along with depression is not going to improve your mood and self esteem.
You can take up exercise and join the gym but it will do nothing for you if your diet is not right. If you are looking for healthy simple recipes maybe look up Dale Pinnock he has a great book on anxiety and depression, not only is there some useful info on anxiety and depression the recipes are simple and don't take all evening to prepare. Its not going to cure your depression but it might give you some new ideas for meals and focus your energies elsewhere.

Barely There

TBH he sounds like he tried to broach the subject with you in as tactful and understanding a way as possible and you completely over-reacted.

TBH I admire his bravery in tackling this issue with you - It can't have been easy and I'm sure he knew there was good chance you'd take the 'how dare you call me fat' line.


Bottom line is he's not happy, he can see you're not happy so he actually tried to broach the subject with you.
You can either wallow in anger and self pity, or give the deserts and miss and take up some exercise.

LegacyUser

OP as someone who suffers badly from depression and also had weight gain due to medication let me say you won't get the answers you want here and may infact make you feel worse. Go talk to your GP and look into mangaing your depression with consuling and not just medicaition. If you are already doing this then you need to consider changing therapists. It's not a one size fits all system and different threapists offer different approaches and some work better for others.

People who don't suffer from depression mean well but find it hard to relate. They have 'bad' days and think this is what it's like and it's nothing like that. I got a lot of 'if you just lost weight you'd be happy' or 'excerise releases chemicals that make you happy' comments - they mean well but are not helpful to someone sufferering from a mental illness.

Take you doctors advice and confide in family more, you need support right now, and if you can be more forward with your GP/therapist about exploring different treatment options, too many easily push medication which isn't a long term solution.

Are you doing anything alongside taking medication? Something that bothers me is people that expect anti-depressants to be this cure-all, when in reality this is the worst way to view them.

You say you've gained weight, which you're not happy about, but have you actually done anything to combat this, such as with diets or exercising? No offense, but it's kind of pointless to sit here and moan about it, if you aren't.

Why did you join a slimming club and leave?

Your partner isn't being mean and you are overreacting - he loves you and sees that you're at your worst, but is likely feeling powerless, because there's nothing he can do to help you, bar talking to you openly, which you freaked out about.

Get your diet in check. Exercise more. Go back to your slimming club. Talk to a counselor. Don't just rely on medication, because it should be the crutch, not the cure.

Dark Phoenix

Put yourself in your partners shoes - his partner is depressed, put on weight, is unhappy with her weight and yet is eating unhealthy food which will increase their weight and add to the unhappiness especially when they are not the size they want on the wedding day.
The poor guy from the sounds of it tried to broach it in a tactful way and help you. It must be hard for him listening to you be so unhappy with your weight and watching you cause it yet when he brought it up you emotionally over reacted. He can't win really! Plus we are not obligated to be attracted to our partner if they put on a good bit of weight so it's not his fault if he finds it unattractive.
Also, exercise can be really beneficial on mental health and would be a great idea - anti depressants alone won't work why not try a holistic approach and welcome whatever help and support he can offer

DukeOfTheSharp

The biggest problem with depression is how difficult it is to diagnose and manage. Basically, I don't see any mention of counselling or therapy, and a doctor advising you talk confide in friends and family? That's a bad call. Your current situation is classic depression: knowing you're unhappy with something, but not feeling like there's anything you can do about it, to the point where anyone trying to address the issue you're worried about automatically becomes part of the problem - at least in your view. I'm not saying you're wrong, he had all the tact of Donald Trump and should be encouraging you to go to counselling, but you need to understand that this isn't a case of overreactions, it's a case of dealing with the underlying issue which is causing the problem. Your depression, even with medication, is out of control. You can't hope to manage with tablets/medicine alone, given how advanced your condition has gotten that you're crying in the morning. These kinds of situations are often caused by the person with depression getting worse - you're not happy with your weight, so any mention of it sets off that negative spiral of thought that makes you feel so terrible.

Essentially, you need professional help in the form of counselling and/or therapy to better manage your symptoms. Mindfulness techniques could help too, but above all else you need to deal with this directly. This isn't a case-by-case situation, this current issue doesn't exist in a vacuum, it's all connected and you're not ok, you know this, so stop pretending and actually get help. As difficult as it may be, you'll find a way to control these feelings, you just need to be pointed in the right direction.

LegacyUser

Genuinely, thank you to everybody who replied above. Having read over each of your replies and even though it is awfully hard to admit it, I can see that the problem really lies with me and my distorted interpretation of what he is trying to do.

I am not making excuses but every day is a struggle and the last thing I want to do is exercise but I think the next step for me is getting into counselling as advised above. If I can find some ways of dealing with the constant negativity then surely it is a step in the right direction. I hold my hands up and admit that I am full of self pity but hope that I can learn ways of dealing with it.

Thank you once again to everybody for your honesty and advice, I needed some unbiased opinions.

donewithit07

donewithit07 wrote: »

Genuinely, thank you to everybody who replied above. Having read over each of your replies and even though it is awfully hard to admit it, I can see that the problem really lies with me and my distorted interpretation of what he is trying to do.

I am not making excuses but every day is a struggle and the last thing I want to do is exercise but I think the next step for me is getting into counselling as advised above. If I can find some ways of dealing with the constant negativity then surely it is a step in the right direction. I hold my hands up and admit that I am full of self pity but hope that I can learn ways of dealing with it.

Thank you once again to everybody for your honesty and advice, I needed some unbiased opinions.

Can I just ask why you would not want to start exercising? Don't knock it - many counsellors/psychotherapists would actually advise you to take up some form of exercise.

Penny Tration

OP, I have mental health problems myself, so I know how difficult it must have been to read what we all wrote. If it were me, I would have felt so embarrassed that I wouldn't have come back to the thread. So seriously well done on taking what's been said on board.

I think counselling or some form of therapy could be great for you, honestly. I have to take medication still, but therapy is the best thing I ever did. You can be taught coping mechanisms, how to change the horrible, upsetting, irrational thoughts into more logical, positive thoughts. The medication does 30% of the work. It takes the very worst of it away, but only the smallest bit. Just enough for you to be able to go and do the other things you need to get yourself better.

If you go ahead with the counselling, as you recover, you'll find that you find it easier to motivate yourself to exercise or make better food choices.

If you can bring yourself to it, tell your partner that you DO appreciate his concern but that it was hard to hear because you're struggling, you're going to get the help you need and will do your best but that you need to take things one step at a time, starting with your mental health.

I'd put money on him giving you a big hug and supporting you 100%.

Good luck

Penny Tration

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Can I just ask why you would not want to start exercising? Don't knock it - many counsellors/psychotherapists would actually advise you to take up some form of exercise.

Sounds more like she cant motivate herself to do it. Having been that depressed myself, I'd struggle to get out of bed those days, and wouldn't even consider exercising because of the effort involved.

Hopefully when she gets herself treated and into a better place, life will seem easier and exercise more do-able

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Can I just ask why you would not want to start exercising? Don't knock it - many counsellors/psychotherapists would actually advise you to take up some form of exercise.

As Penny said boneyarsebogman I honestly find just getting out of bed a daily struggle and getting through my working day pretending everything is just dandy is both physically and mentally exhausting. It may sound like a very poor excuse to you but it is the honest truth.

LegacyUser

Penny Tration wrote: »

OP, I have mental health problems myself, so I know how difficult it must have been to read what we all wrote. If it were me, I would have felt so embarrassed that I wouldn't have come back to the thread. So seriously well done on taking what's been said on board.

I think counselling or some form of therapy could be great for you, honestly. I have to take medication still, but therapy is the best thing I ever did. You can be taught coping mechanisms, how to change the horrible, upsetting, irrational thoughts into more logical, positive thoughts. The medication does 30% of the work. It takes the very worst of it away, but only the smallest bit. Just enough for you to be able to go and do the other things you need to get yourself better.

If you go ahead with the counselling, as you recover, you'll find that you find it easier to motivate yourself to exercise or make better food choices.

If you can bring yourself to it, tell your partner that you DO appreciate his concern but that it was hard to hear because you're struggling, you're going to get the help you need and will do your best but that you need to take things one step at a time, starting with your mental health.

I'd put money on him giving you a big hug and supporting you 100%.

Good luck

Thank you so much Penny, no disrespect to the earlier posters but I think you have more of an idea of how bad things actually are for me at the moment as you can identify. Of course I am embarrassed but at the same time, I am in such a low place at the moment that I am at that point where I really couldn't care less about anything. I have taken your advice on board and have found a couple of local therapists that I am going to contact. I appreciate your understanding and good wishes. Hopefully things will start improving soon.

zeffabelli

donewithit07 wrote: »

Thank you so much Penny, no disrespect to the earlier posters but I think you have more of an idea of how bad things actually are for me at the moment as you can identify. Of course I am embarrassed but at the same time, I am in such a low place at the moment that I am at that point where I really couldn't care less about anything. I have taken your advice on board and have found a couple of local therapists that I am going to contact. I appreciate your understanding and good wishes. Hopefully things will start improving soon.

Therapy will help but motivation will come from a dopamine kick start.

Excersise, will trigger a cycle in which the body regenerates it's chemicals.

Maybe try some dance? Walks? It will take a few times a week before you notice. Initially it maybe just a case of discipline and forcing yourself to do it.

bee06

zeffabelli wrote: »

Therapy will help but motivation will come from a dopamine kick start.

Excersise, will trigger a cycle in which the body regenerates it's chemicals.

Maybe try some dance? Walks? It will take a few times a week before you notice. Initially it maybe just a case of discipline and forcing yourself to do it.

Completely agree. I do understand that it's hard to motivate yourself to start because I was there a few months ago and I don't suffer from depression or anything but I did start getting mild anxiety from the stress of my job and I started exercising and realised all those people who were taking about how great it makes you feel were right. I had half an hour where I didn't think about work because I was concentrating on just trying to keep going because I was so unfit. I started sleeping better instead of being up all night thinking about work which mad it a lot easier to face the next day and I get an amazing buzz when I finish a work out that now keeps me going back for more.

Penny Tration

To the above posters - I totally agree with you that exercise helps. It's a brilliant rush of dopamine and makes you feel great.

But, from my own experience, if you're so depressed that you struggle to get out of bed, NO amount of being told to exercise will help.

Exercise is great and I make sure to do some every day because it keeps my mood up, but if I get into a slump, I won't even have the energy for a shower, let alone leaving the house. Unfortunately, sometimes you can be so depressed that exercise simply doesn't seem achievable, so you don't try. That's why therapy first can help, to help the OP get a little lift so then she can go for a walk or a run and feel even better.

It's all well and good saying to go exercise, but the reality is when you're that depressed, it feels impossible.

zeffabelli

Penny Tration wrote: »

To the above posters - I totally agree with you that exercise helps. It's a brilliant rush of dopamine and makes you feel great.

But, from my own experience, if you're so depressed that you struggle to get out of bed, NO amount of being told to exercise will help.

Exercise is great and I make sure to do some every day because it keeps my mood up, but if I get into a slump, I won't even have the energy for a shower, let alone leaving the house. Unfortunately, sometimes you can be so depressed that exercise simply doesn't seem achievable, so you don't try. That's why therapy first can help, to help the OP get a little lift so then she can go for a walk or a run and feel even better.

It's all well and good saying to go exercise, but the reality is when you're that depressed, it feels impossible.

Then you are looking at going to a GP.

Penny Tration

zeffabelli wrote: »

Then you are looking at going to a GP.

Which I think the OP should, so she can be referred to a therapist to help her

LegacyUser

When you suffer with depression you don't have the motivation to get out and exercise. So you sit around waiting for the moment that will never come. You need to force yourself. The motivation comes after the event! It's a difficult thing to explain, but if you do force yourself to go outside, start with a stroll, build up to a fast walk, you will feel better about yourself. Both emotionally and physically.

You almost certainly won't feel good before going, when you are arguing with yourself to get up, you mightn't even feel all that positive during the walk. But when you get home you will feel that you did it. You didn't want to, you may not even have particularly enjoyed it... But you did it anyway.

zeffabelli

LegoFriends wrote: »

When you suffer with depression you don't have the motivation to get out and exercise. So you sit around waiting for the moment that will never come. You need to force yourself. The motivation comes after the event! It's a difficult thing to explain, but if you do force yourself to go outside, start with a stroll, build up to a fast walk, you will feel better about yourself. Both emotionally and physically.

You almost certainly won't feel good before going, when you are arguing with yourself to get up, you mightn't even feel all that positive during the walk. But when you get home you will feel that you did it. You didn't want to, you may not even have particularly enjoyed it... But you did it anyway.

This is exactly it. You have to force yourself to trigger the dopamine production.

Your in a catch 22 bio chemical loop they needs to be dislodged out of the negative loop.