Wife Selfish in bed

luckydingo

Hi,

So I appreciate the title of this may sound a bit of a harsh however I really need some advice on how to handle a situation which is really becoming an issue with me.

So to begin with when we first got together my partner made if clear she did not do oral. Thought to myself that's a pity but i never ever ever forced the issue. Hoped maybe over time she might change but she never. So no oral in 8 years with her. Personally i don't understand it as there is nothing i would not try in bed but each to their own. One thing i did find a bit offensive was how she would say i used to do it. made me feel a bit like oh ok so you used to do it for guys but now with me your life partner ill never even try it.

I love to go down on her but she pretty much never allows it. She has said its not fair if i do it to her and she doesn't return it. but i don't believe that's her reason - she would never kiss after i perform on her so deep down i know she just is squeamish or something. I have told her we don't have to kiss after i don't have a problem but she fobs it off.

We had 2 children youngest is now two. Up to recently we didn't have sex for nearly a year. She put on some a bit off weight and lost some confidence. I was incredibly patient with her. Again never pushed her and we chatted and she wanted to get back in shape before being intimate again. I basically told her i would work with her what ever she wanted. I did say to her that we don't have to have sex but can do other stuff though just to keep intimate. She agreed and then did nothing about it.

So to the good news we started having sex again last month and its gone straight back to where it was. Me making all the effort. Touching her turning her on (trying to at least) then sex, me on top. End of. When we chatted before about how i put in all the effort (physically) when it comes to sex she apologized and said she would work on that but honestly she did zero.

We had no condoms in the house last week - we started fooling around and when we realized no condoms she said ah well and stopped. I just looked at her and thought you selfish selfish girl. Seriously does she thin that's ok to just stop? Not even a hand job? am i being inconsiderate her thinking she is out of order there?

Its got to the stage where it is sex or nothing. Sounds like an odd complaint but i just thought wow you really are selfish in bed.

My wife is a very straight person - to the point it can be taken as rude sometimes. If this was reversed she would have no qualms making a big deal.

Can anyone offer advice how to deal with this. Now what ever way its raised it will result in a row. She is very defensive so i want to have all my points raised and not get sucked into a row that goes off topic. I want it to be about her selfishness in bed.

I love my wife - she is very beautiful and i want to enjoy a great sex life with her but i don't know where to go next. Is she just a bit more prudish then i thought?

I'm writing this today as last night i lay in bed so frustrated I couldn't sleep.

Any help would be great guys.

Thanks

The Princess Bride

I'm gonna say what posters usually say when these threads come up.
Why does anyone stay in a short term- never mind marry/ longterm relationship with someone who's not sexually compatible with them?
You knew she didn't want oral from the start- that doesn't make her selfish, it's her choice.
( Chances are that when she did it with exes she didn't enjoy it, right?)
I'd imagine if you think back over your 8 years together, you'd realise you've answered your own question.
"Is she just a bit more prudish that I thought? "
Yes- but you've known this all along.

Advice?
Honestly if talking about it hasn't improved things, I'm not sure what will work.
For starters, buy condoms so there'll be no excuses next time.Continue to tell her how Sexy she is and how turned on she makes you feel.
Best of luck.

Saipanne

I had an ex like that and from what I could piece together an ex of hers did something that he shouldn't have when she was down there. I'll leave you to work that out.

Anyway, it understandably put her off ever doing it again.

If something similar happened in your wife's past, it might be stopping her from doing it for you. She may still feel traumatised from that event, if it occurred.

JustAThought

Wow - 9 Months of hard labour - not on the pill I guess - you have no condoms - and shes selfish? And if she gets pregnant & is stuck with that for another 9 months & 18 years then I guess she'd be the irresponsible one too.

If the prize isn't worth running the race for people won't sign up.

Raminahobbin

JustAThought wrote: »

Wow - 9 Months of hard labour - not on the pill I guess - you have no condoms - and shes selfish? And if she gets pregnant & is stuck with that for another 9 months & 18 years then I guess she'd be the irresponsible one too.

If the prize isn't worth running the race for people won't sign up.

OP meant she was selfish because it was either full penetrative sex or nothing. As in, there's lots more ways to finish without using condoms (with no risk of pregnancy) and she doesn't entertain any of them.

Yeah, OP, I think your wife is in a rut. Have you tried making extra special attempts to reintroduce a bit of spark to the relationship? A bit of wooing?

luckydingo

JustAThought wrote: »

Wow - 9 Months of hard labour - not on the pill I guess - you have no condoms - and shes selfish? And if she gets pregnant & is stuck with that for another 9 months & 18 years then I guess she'd be the irresponsible one too.

If the prize isn't worth running the race for people won't sign up.

Totally not what my point was but thanks non the less for the reply.

Re oral - that's not the issue - its a pain but I've accepted it.

The selfishness i speak off is no effort on her side. Its full sex or nothing. And that s with me doing all the work. No hand jobs if - but will happily let me please her with mine.

Thanks

LegacyUser

Op for the whole of your relationship has it been you thats initiating sex or has your wife ever initiated sex ? If you are the one thats been doing all the running then it sounds like she is just not interested in sex. Maybe as another poster said you are just not sexually compatible. Would you think about couples therapy?

lifeandtimes

being honest my girlfriend was like that about oral too, said she doesnt enjoy it at all but i loved it and loved going down on her.

We had a talk while a bit drunk and she agreed that if its something i like shell do it as it makes me happy, the same way i do things to make her happy, relationships are about compromise.

Since then after a night out or in with a couple of glasses of win she would go down on me and vice versa and now most times we get it on she goes down on me just as we are about to get it on with no alcohol.

Maybe have a chat with her in a none threatning way, tell her its what you like and you under stand her issues and is there anyway you two can come to a compromise,maybe have the chat over a couple of drinks and see how she feels. also remember to woo her and do romantic things to make her fells special and sexy, nothing turns a woman on more than a guy trying to sweep her off her feet and go out of his way to treat her special

After this length of time your relationship should have found a middle balance for each other and it seems shes in control of how sex goes and really it should be something you have a say in and both enjoy

zeffabelli

I think when women marry they can fall into an "appropriate" trap and lose some of their va va voom because marriage hands you a different script.

It's so subtle people don't notice but I think there are Victorian shadows in contemporary nuptials.

TLOA72

Hi op.
I have gone through the very same as yourself. Things got very stressful for a time and I resorted to watching a lot of porn during the no sex period.

So much so I ended up going to a counsellor and broke down.
I was convinced my wife didn't find me attractive.
But it was me that had the problem not her.
If she liked to do something and I found it uncomfortable I would expect her to understand my point.

If you give romance a try again she may change a bit but don't expect her to go 180 degrees and become a fantasy in real life.

After 8 years things are bound to go stale a little but look hard at your options. Walk away cause your not getting head or see your wife as the woman you fell in love with, have two kids with and hopefully lots of happy years ahead.

Whilst sex is a huge part of a marriage, I believe, so is companionship.

We have turned a small corner in our marriage but still have a long journey left.

Hope things work out for the 2 of you.

Whitewinged

Agreed with poster above. Relationships are about compromising but also about growing together and learning as you go along. It sounds like your wife is kind of at a standstill in respect to this.

i don't agree with other posters saying that she was that way when you met her so you have to accept that. You married her because you love her.

Your needs are no less than her needs. The thing here is that it seems that you are willing to compromise and it sounds like you have been patient and it seems like she is just not opening up at all or willing to even dedicate herself to really trying to help or move the situation to where you are both feeling fulfilled.

I don't know what advise to give other than keep trying to talk to her and be honest explaining that this is something that is depressing and frustrating for you and as it stands now cannot continue. Explain that you feel that you are growing further apart as the years go on rather than coming together (no pun intended)! That you love her, you are very attracted to her but that you are starting to feel resentment towards her because you feel powerless and that your side is not taken seriously.

LegacyUser

This isn't going to be what you want to hear but I know personally if a guy doesn't make me feel sexy in the bedroom I'm not going to give him oral. End of. Even the way you said in the original post "not even a hand job like?" Sounds like you probably aren't much good at the old romancing.
In all honestly, she told you she didn't give oral at the start so sorry bud, you're in the wrong here. You knew exactly what you were signing up for.

Whitewinged

lookwhatthecatdraggedin wrote: »

This isn't going to be what you want to hear but I know personally if a guy doesn't make me feel sexy in the bedroom I'm not going to give him oral. End of. Even the way you said in the original post "not even a hand job like?" Sounds like you probably aren't much good at the old romancing.
In all honestly, she told you she didn't give oral at the start so sorry bud, you're in the wrong here. You knew exactly what you were signing up for.

He's hardly trying to romance the boards posters now is he? so I wouldn't take any notice of how he phrased it. Also you missed the part about where he said he loved her and that she is beautiful.

I think he accepted the fact she wasn't going to give oral but it's her reluctance do anything now that is the problem. She is not even willing to meet him half way. And then agrees to talk and make an effort with him but doesn't. I think the attitude of "you made your bed lie in it" is a bit harsh on op.

He is clearly very unhappy in the relationship. I imagine that she isn't either but she is doing nothing to help resolve it. Surely op cannot be expected to stay forever in a practically sexless marriage without even trying to work on it. Can you imagine how that would feel when you want to be close to someone you love and they are not having any of it. For them to have no interest or understanding for your needs. The feeling of rejection and lack of comfort and acceptance and effort would be horrible for your self esteem.

I don't think it's as simple as saying that she is not attracted to him or a low sex drive. She may have some issues with sex for all we know and if they can find a way to somehow overcome them , then the relationship would be better for both of them.

Some people might stray in a relationship like this but op is trying to find a solution with his wife.

LegacyUser

So we should all congratulate him on not straying so whitewinged? Doesn't fly with me. He knew exactly what she was like as she said it at the start of the relationship and he thought she would give in eventually and now is acting shocked that she's not?

Only thing I can say op is women sense vibes off you. If you are looking desperate for a hand job or bj it's a real turn off. Maybe have a date night with her? Make her feel special. You may not get the "happy ending" you were looking for but it might make your relationship with her more bearable

zeffabelli

lookwhatthecatdraggedin wrote: »

So we should all congratulate him on not straying so whitewinged? Doesn't fly with me. He knew exactly what she was like as she said it at the start of the relationship and he thought she would give in eventually and now is acting shocked that she's not?

Only thing I can say op is women sense vibes off you. If you are looking desperate for a hand job or bj it's a real turn off. Maybe have a date night with her? Make her feel special. You may not get the "happy ending" you were looking for but it might make your relationship with her more bearable

This is true.

Demand never gets a good response.it just feels like another child in the house wanting something from you. Not a turn on.

Whitewinged

lookwhatthecatdraggedin wrote: »

So we should all congratulate him on not straying so whitewinged? Doesn't fly with me. He knew exactly what she was like as she said it at the start of the relationship and he thought she would give in eventually and now is acting shocked that she's not?

Only thing I can say op is women sense vibes off you. If you are looking desperate for a hand job or bj it's a real turn off. Maybe have a date night with her? Make her feel special. You may not get the "happy ending" you were looking for but it might make your relationship with her more bearable

No what I am saying is that he is doing the right thing. I would congratulate him on trying to communicate with his wife, trying to find solutions, having patience and understanding for her side but also a knowledge that there is a problem and that he is not happy and trying to do something about it.

When you marry someone, you are not signing away your happiness. You are going into a partnership where you have to have consideration for one another and improve one another's lives by being there for each other and learning how to face things together. It's not my way or the highway. You have to adapt to one another for each others sake. All op is asking is that she tries to work on it and she said she would but hasn't done anything about that.

It's not right making him out to be "desparate" for a bj or hand job. You dont know, maybe he has suggested date nights. You are missing the point that the man is asking for help to try to make things better for both of them because neither of them seem happy.

This is not just about sex. It is about connecting with his wife and feeling loved and wanted and understood. Working together on their marriage along with their sex life to make a better, more fulfilling life for both of them.

I don't read his op as demanding sex from her. I think he is frustrated in the situation and finding it difficult to connect and communicate because he keeps coming up blank with her.

LegacyUser

luckydingo wrote: »

So to the good news we started having sex again last month and its gone straight back to where it was. Me making all the effort..... I just looked at her and thought you selfish selfish girl. Seriously does she thin that's ok to just stop? Not even a hand job? am i being inconsiderate her thinking she is out of order?....Sounds like an odd complaint but i just thought wow you really are selfish in bed.

But OP, your wife hadn't changed! She's just doing the exact same as what she's done from the very start of your relationship. The only difference is you no longer find this acceptable. Call it the 7 year itch?! It's not really fair of you to do this huge U-turn in your relationship all of a sudden, after years of pretending you were cool with it all.
As the mother of 2 young children, the idea of sex without a condom must terrifying! You say it took her a year to get back to herself after the last birth. So like hell is she going to risk another pregnancy. On a purely practical level, keep a supply of condoms in the house.
Have a chat with her also.

Idle Passerby

It sounds to me like sex has become a chore for her. Shes not really enjoying it and only "gives in" so to speak to keep the status quo. The way you describe how she just said 'ah well...night then!' when there were no condoms, sounds like she was almost relieved to have an excuse not to follow through.

Having said that, I can understand your frustration and her unwillingness to meet you halfway is selfish in my opinion. I think the two of you need to discuss the reasons behind all of this. Explore why she has lost interest in sex/dislikes oral. It could be any number of reasons but you wont solve the problem until you find out what causes it.

luckydingo

OP there is so much in your post that bothers me. I'll admit this is biased by my own experiences, so take it with a pinch of salt.

Saying that there's nothing you wouldn't try in bed? All that means is that you'd try things you don't think you'd like if you thought she'd like it. From what you've said that's not what's going on with her. She doesn't just "not like" something, she's obviously incredibly adverse to it. "Squeamish" is a word you used. That's essentially saying she's disgusted by it. Would you do something sexual you were disgusted by? Knowing that the person you were doing it with wants to do it regularly and will keep badgering you for the rest of your lives together about it even though you hate it?

As for saying you've been incredibly patient with her, that's just not true. Your entire post is descriptions of times you've kept bringing it up even though she's been clear on the matter from day one. Times that you've repeatedly tried to persuade her into sexual acts she's not at all okay with. Saying that you don't "have to have sex but can do other stuff". Of course when she agreed she didn't mean it, you basically said "oh you don't want to do anything sexual? Fine, I'll compromise, give me a blow job". It's just bizarre. And then you call her a "selfish selfish girl".

luckydingo wrote: »

Seriously does she thin that's ok to just stop? Not even a hand job?

Actually yes, when someone doesn't want to have sex, it's okay to stop. There's no "sorry honey, this contract was sealed as soon as I got hard, you'll just have to grin and bear it".

Of course, when you were getting married, if one of your vows was "I promise to love, honour, and sexually satisfy against my own will", then I take it all back, since at least you were clear about what you wanted from the start... Oh no wait, that was her.

Whitewinged

I really think that people are being a bit harsh on op.

He clearly said that he had accepted her decision not to perform oral sex. It's her reluctance to try anything.

The problem is that his wife doesn't seem to want sex at all and when she does she is probably not mentally present. That's hurtful for op. He wants his wife to be just as enthusiastic as he is, that's all. And i think most people would be pretty frustrated at being brought to a certain level sexually and then just stop. It would be like getting to the top of a roller coaster and the ride just stops and your stuck up there.

op is getting depressed with his lack of sex life and his wife seems oblivious to it. Op you should suggest some forms of counselling to go to with your wife.

Aufbau

Maybe we're missing the wife's side here. Maybe it could go something like this -

Whitewinged wrote: »

'She' is clearly very unhappy in the relationship. I imagine that 'he' isn't either but 'he' is doing nothing to help resolve it 'only keep pushing for sex'. Surely 'she' cannot be expected to stay forever in 'an unhappy marriage' without even trying to work on it. Can you imagine how that would feel when you want to be close to someone you love and they are not having any of it 'they just keep saying they want sex, sex, sex'. For them to have no interest or understanding for your needs. The feeling of rejection and lack of comfort and acceptance and effort would be horrible for your self esteem.

They're together 8 years and they have 2 children, and at least one of these is very small. There could be any number of pressures in her life and the OP could be just another pressure, making her feel like he's one more demand on her body and her self. I wonder when she gets into bed with him at night does she relax with relief that the day is done, or does she tense up knowing that whether he makes a move or not that the unspoken demand is still there. OP sounds like the selfish child here - me, me, me!

Also, any resentment from other issues could kill any desire on her part. Issues like money or taking responsibility for house/children.

I know that if I got into bed tired and stressed and knew that my partner would rub my back, kiss the back of my neck and put their arm around me to go to sleep, that I'd love it - and that I'd feel much more like turning around to them. But if I kept getting 'why aren't you giving me sex' vibes, they could sod off!

OP, you could try talking with your wife about life in general, and married life in particular. With a counsellor who would ask the awkward questions and direct the conversation. You might both find out lots about what's in the mind of the other that you don't know at all.

matthew86

She might be asexual. 1% chance, but it's still possible. Only way you'll know is by talking.

Whitewinged

Aufbau wrote: »

Maybe we're missing the wife's side here. Maybe it could go something like this -


They're together 8 years and they have 2 children, and at least one of these is very small. There could be any number of pressures in her life and the OP could be just another pressure, making her feel like he's one more demand on her body and her self. I wonder when she gets into bed with him at night does she relax with relief that the day is done, or does she tense up knowing that whether he makes a move or not that the unspoken demand is still there. OP sounds like the selfish child here - me, me, me!
ll.

Let's say she is feeling that way. What makes her feelings any more important than ops? Nothing. And that's why they need to communicate better and find resolve for both otherwise free the other person and split rather than both stay in a miserable state of unspoken resentment toward one another.