BF has an issue with my past

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We knew each other socially for a while before we got together; he was in a very long term relationship but I was single for the best part of a decade. I met a different guy (friend of a friend, let's call him John), dated him for a few months but he broke up with me. I was upset at the time but it wasn't a serious relationship so the wounds healed fairly quickly. My boyfriend's previous relationship also ended around the same time but despite being with her for a long time the relationship was dead in the water and he was relieved when it ended.

Shortly after all this we got together and we've been happy together ever since. The only problem is that he has an issue with my past dating history/sexual experience. He feels threatened by John because he saw how upset I was when John broke up with me. Also, when I started seeing my BF, John tried to win me back but I wasn't interested, but as we have a mutual friend I still see him around the odd time. This is a major issue for my BF. The mutual friend is having a big bday party in a few weeks and my BF isn't happy about going to it, although he won't ask me not to go or anything like that. My BF also has an issue with how many sexual partners I've had because my number is quite a lot higher than his, simply because I was single for so long but he was in a LTR. He says he struggles with the idea of other guys touching me, etc.

My BF knows that this is his problem and that he can't hold my past against me, but I feel like he still kind of does. He'll regularly have dreams of me cheating on him with John and then he wakes up in a bad mood and he's on bad humour for most of the day, and I'm left feeling guilty that he's in a bad mood because of something I did before we ever got together!!

I know he's being ridiculous but I'm trying to be understanding. I've tried everything to convince him I only want to be with him and that my past doesn't mean anything. I've also tried telling him to cop himself on because my past is none of his business! I don't know what else to do, and I'm becoming tired of this still being an issue a year later.

If anyone has had a similar experience or has any advice it would be much appreciated, thanks for reading.

whiskeyman

If he can't accept your past, tell him he better forget his future with you.
No excuses.
It's childish and immature of him to keep bringing it up and his bad moods because of it are unforgivable to be honest.
My OH would have a very different past in terms of experience than me, but it was never an issue. Why bother with the past when all we wanted was the present and the future?
Tread carefully. If you really feel he can't let it go, you'll have to let him go.

woodchuck

This is absolutely HIS issue and HE needs to work on it. Nothing you can do is going to make a difference.

So the question is, what is HE planning to do about it?

LegacyUser

is it because you move in the same circles he knows all about your previous boyfriends or did you have a numbers talk?

You have done nothing wrong, you should not be feeling guilty because of his insecure and irrational behaviour. It's his problem he needs to sort it.

Exclamation Marc

I feel for ya OP, but put simply your BF has to be told that there is nothing to worry about, what's in the past is in the past and he needs to let go and grow up. Everyone has a past, and regardless of whether it's good or bad (or how people judge it), it is what it is. You've been up front and honest with him about your past and you need to tell him that that is simply your history, and that's all.

TiredGirlfriend wrote: »

He says he struggles with the idea of other guys touching me, etc

In regards to this, tell him he's in a mature relationship and unless he's been dating someone since the age of 12, odds are that they have been with another guy or girl. It's an absolute nonsense line to come out with. Assuming he's over the age of 18, no matter who is with now or in his lifetime will have a sexual past. That's just something about life he needs to accept, not about you. And your 'number' is your 'number', nobody ever needs to justify it.

TiredGirlfriend wrote: »

He'll regularly have dreams of me cheating on him with John and then he wakes up in a bad mood and he's on bad humour for most of the day, and I'm left feeling guilty that he's in a bad mood because of something I did before we ever got together!!

This is totally unfair on you and completely childish. I've had one or two bizarre dreams of O/H cheating on me in my entire life but its generally either comical or so non-descript that I just discard it. To say he is regularly having dreams of you cheating on him with this guy is utter BS from him. Nobody dreams frequently like that, and it sounds like he's using it to try to manipulate you and make you feel awful. Totally unforgivable.

Sit him down and tell him that he needs to deal with his insecurities, that you and him are together for a reason, you aren't going anywhere and he needs to accept that because you've certainly given him zero reason to doubt any of that.

LegacyUser

TiredGirlfriend wrote: »

. I've tried everything to convince him I only want to be with him and that my past doesn't mean anything. I've also tried telling him to cop himself on because my past is none of his business! I don't know what else to do, and I'm becoming tired of this still being an issue a year later.

Well I think your BF is being a right plonker. But the above is what would concern me.

You are letting him control you by pandering to his issues, his insecurities, his prudishness, his stupidity, his possessiveness.

Seriously, tell him to cop the F on or you're out. But if you back down on that, he'll know he can control you forever. Tell him that he has one last chance to grow up and deal with it, or that it's it - over.

I can't believe he's made you feel guilty! That's awful behaviour on his part. Quite quite nasty.

Barely There

TiredGirlfriend wrote: »

I've also tried telling him to cop himself on because my past is none of his business!

Yep, but maybe you should have told him this before you told him how many people you'd slept with previously.

No idea why so many couples seem to have this obsession with telling each other how many people they've both slept with in the past.

OnTheCouch

Barely There wrote: »

Yep, but maybe you should have told him this before you told him how many people you'd slept with previously.

No idea why so many couples seem to have this obsession with telling each other how many people they've both slept with in the past.

As much as I sympathise with the OP and think her boyfriend is being quite out of order, I also very much agree with the above, this talk has such a high chance of making one of the two jealous and insecure that I have no idea why it's brought up so often.

I think it's a perfect example of the mantra 'what you don't know won't hurt you.'

whiskeyman

Barely There wrote: »

Yep, but maybe you should have told him this before you told him how many people you'd slept with previously.

No idea why so many couples seem to have this obsession with telling each other how many people they've both slept with in the past.

OnTheCouch wrote: »

I also very much agree with the above, this talk has such a high chance of making one of the two jealous and insecure that I have no idea why it's brought up so often.
.

It may have come up in conversation... most couples do have it, and a lot mightn't want to hear it, but most are grown up and have more sense to move on and not dwell on it!
I really doubt she said, or boasted of her previous experiences.

the OP did say how her now boyfriend knew her socially before hooking up, and was aware she was single and was probably going out having fun.

It's no excuse, and the more I read the OPs post, the more his behaviour is totally unacceptable.
I'm not sure it's even worth trying to mend.

LegacyUser

I was your boyfriend once. I used to despise my ex's past. Want a huge number but it didn't really matter if they were married our single and she cheated on blokes etc.... She ended up cheating on me, I found out a few years start we split up. It didn't surprise me.

She spilt up with me. Guess she got sick of me bringing it up. A year later I met a new girl,been together for nearly 4 years. Never bothered to ask get on her past,I dont really care.

So the problem he had is probably with you. So break up with him. Do both of you a favour. No point keeping him around and making him suffer.

deisemum

I think his behaviour is nasty and to be going on for so long with it will just undermine the OP's self-esteem.

Personally I'd give him one warning that if he ever brings it up again or wakes up after a dream about it and spending time being in a bad mood over the dream then the relationship is over.

LegacyUser

Barely There wrote: »

Yep, but maybe you should have told him this before you told him how many people you'd slept with previously.

No idea why so many couples seem to have this obsession with telling each other how many people they've both slept with in the past.

It wasn't something I would have brought up but he asked and the way he brought it up made it seem like he wasn't bothered either way, so I was honest! My number isn't that high, we're talking an average of 2 per year, I would have thought that was on the low side of average! I wish I'd lied now!

Anyway I talked to him about it last night and explained to him how he was making me feel, he was quite surprised, he thought this was all his issue to deal with and didn't realise the effect it was having on me. He's as frustrated with himself as I am because he really does know how stupid he's being and rationally he knows he needs to get over this. He promised to change the way he deals with this, as in not be moody and take it out on me. So we'll see if he does and if he can move on from his.

Thanks for all the posts, I really appreciate it, it helped me realise even more that I wasn't in the wrong.

Neyite

This isn't your problem to fix. It boils down to his insecurities and jealousy issues and YOU cant fix this for him nor should you pander to it.

He's got a problem with something you cant change. The only thing that can change here is him, or your relationship status.

So this is the choice he has - either accept it and drop the subjects of John and any other ex's and numbers for good, or end the relationship and find someone who's past he can live with, whoever that might be.

LegacyUser

Itllnevergetbetter wrote: »

I was your boyfriend once. I used to despise my ex's past. Want a huge number but it didn't really matter if they were married our single and she cheated on blokes etc.... She ended up cheating on me, I found out a few years start we split up. It didn't surprise me.

So the problem he had is probably with you. So break up with him. Do both of you a favour. No point keeping him around and making him suffer.

Bit harsh but thanks for the response nonetheless!

If the above was the case with me I'd understand why he had an issue, of course he'd be cautious. But my past is very un-sordid.. never cheated on anyone, no married men, no threesomes, nothing!

LegacyUser

Thanks Neyite, you're exactly right and that's the stance I'm going to have to take on this. Hopefully he can get over this. I've probably made him sound awful here but he really isn't!

Thanks again for all the replies.

daisybelle2008

TiredGirlfriend wrote: »

I know he's being ridiculous but I'm trying to be understanding. I've tried everything to convince him I only want to be with him and that my past doesn't mean anything.

OP this is a big mistake. Why would you try to be understanding and pander to this, you have absolutely no control over it. Trying to quell his insecurity will only make things much worse, it is basically telling him that it is YOUR problem not his. I know he says he knows it's his problem but both your actions are saying it's fully yours. He is trying to 'punish' you for your past which is triggering his insecurities with the bad moods, and you are trying to reassure and pacify him. It's a ridiculous pattern.

He has to be shown that that behaviour is deal breaker territory not something that gets rewarded with reassurances.

Exclamation Marc

TiredGirlfriend wrote: »

My number isn't that high, we're talking an average of 2 per year, I would have thought that was on the low side of average! I wish I'd lied now!

Firstly, as I said before, everyone's number is their number. Whether its 10 or 100, it's nothing to be ashamed about, your body, do with it what you want. Don't say that you wish you lied, he clearly asked, wanted an honest answer, you gave him an honest answer, and the answer is not bad at all.

Secondly, an average of 2 per year regardless of what age you are is generally quite low, so I really can't see what his deal is. It's not as if you could ever be accused of being with anyone who smiles politely at you.

Can I ask what age your bf is?

Neyite

TiredGirlfriend wrote: »

Thanks Neyite, you're exactly right and that's the stance I'm going to have to take on this. Hopefully he can get over this. I've probably made him sound awful here but he really isn't!

Thanks again for all the replies.

He doesn't sound awful. Just insecure about your past.

For what it's worth I had someone before who had a problem with my number. Hints and digs from time to time until I nipped it in the bud with the very same ultimatum I suggested. It worked and it was never mentioned or referred to again. We split down the line, but not for that reason.

zeffabelli

Stop trying to be understanding, you are inadvertently encouraging the reassurance junkie in him and failing to protect yourself.

This is a boundary issue. That's all it is. Draw a very firm line, take the pilots seat here and say it's in the past and that's it. It's over, no more of this!!

Itllnevergetbetter

Itllnevergetbetter wrote: »

I was your boyfriend once. I used to despise my ex's past. Want a huge number but it didn't really matter if they were married our single and she cheated on blokes etc.... She ended up cheating on me, I found out a few years start we split up. It didn't surprise me.

She spilt up with me. Guess she got sick of me bringing it up. A year later I met a new girl,been together for nearly 4 years. Never bothered to ask get on her past,I dont really care.

So the problem he had is probably with you. So break up with him. Do both of you a favour. No point keeping him around and making him suffer.

TiredGirlfriend wrote: »

Bit harsh

OP, I agree the post was a bit harsh, hopefully it's just clumsily worded. But you're actually getting a genuine insight here into your boyfriend's mentality. This person couldn't handle his partner's past to the point where it destroyed their relationship and his current relationship is working based on the "don't ask, don't tell" principle.

Unfortunately it's too late to do that in your relationship so it may be time to admit that this won't work. At least not unless your boyfriend can make serious strides in getting over his problem.

Wompa1

Being a guy that had a problem with an ex's past. I have to say, in hindsight...it was her that I had a problem with. Her character + the past is what bothered me...both together suggested something was up and it was.

My fiance on the other hand. Has had more experience than me. She also kept meeting up with her long term ex when we were together. She's got chased by a male co-worker (who's marriage ended due to her pursuit of her)

Meanwhile, I'm fine with it. I trust her. Also part of me says now that if somebody trusts on me..whatever. A relationship at some point becomes about forming a partnership but you should also be able to be independent. I'm at the place right now

B.A._Baracus

Hey op,
Sorry if I come off as blunt on this one.... It's just that 90% of the time on here people tell one side of the story.
Now if your story is 100% true then your boyfriend has deep trusting issues and that aint good. In fact, you leaving through the proverbial door would be looking like the best option.

But is there anything else you are not telling us? I say that because from my own personal experiences that certain aspects get 'lost' when telling a personal side of the story.
You said you dated John and it ended. You said that John tried it on with you later. Has John tried to do anything else? This would be the key factor in honest and genuine advice.

LegacyUser

[Deleted User] wrote: »

OP, I agree the post was a bit harsh, hopefully it's just clumsily worded. But you're actually getting a genuine insight here into your boyfriend's mentality. This person couldn't handle his partner's past to the point where it destroyed their relationship and his current relationship is working based on the "don't ask, don't tell" principle.

Unfortunately it's too late to do that in your relationship so it may be time to admit that this won't work. At least not unless your boyfriend can make serious strides in getting over his problem.

You try typing from a phone. It's a real pain in the arse! 😜

You're kind of half right, it's not really the dont ask don't tell thing. It was more her character, something about her I didn't trust.