Inappropriate feelings for another guy

LegacyUser

Hello everybody.

I am posting here anonymously, as my other posts could give clues to who the people in this story are and I would prefer to avoid this. I apologise for the long post, but I had to get this off my chest as it’s understandably hard to discuss with people I know.

I am a 29 year old woman and I live together with my boyfriend here in Dublin. We are together for three years now. He is really a great guy. I really love him and care for him deeply. He is very intelligent, educated, witty, sociable, trustworthy and so on. He’s the sort of guy anyone would like to settle down with. We had a little bit of rough patch recently as I felt homesick for England. He said he wasn’t prepared to move over there as he had a good job here. But I think we have resolved this now and I do like Ireland in general.

The problem is last year I met another guy through mutual friends. Let’s call him David. Despite getting very close, nothing has ever happened between us, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ll try and explain why.

We didn’t get off to a smooth start really. I didn’t find him particularly attractive, although he isn’t ugly or anything. He played a practical joke on me also which I wasn’t expecting on a first meeting and so I was taken in by it. He takes great delight in reminding me of this fact ever since, plus anyone else we should happen to meet.

This first impression made me think that he might be a bit odd. Or just slightly eccentric. But I’ve got to admit there was something about it that made him stand out, not sure if it was the confidence or cheekiness or something else. We started hanging out a lot in groups after that and I noticed that I was talking more and more to David. Even if my boyfriend was there. There was something almost magnetic about him, again it’s hard to explain. Like he wasn’t particularly showy or loud, but just had this quiet confidence and unpredictability. You didn’t know what he would do next etc. And he really made me laugh as well. I’m not saying my boyfriend doesn’t but it’s not quite the same.

I suppose you could say I was falling into the grass is greener on the other side trap, and maybe I am. I am not saying David is perfect by any means though. He often comes out with these sexist and chauvinistic statements, which even though he says he’s only joking with, I find very offensive and disrespectful. He isn’t very tactful, if he thinks something he tends to say it. He is quite argumentative and confrontational and plus like many Irish, he often drinks too much. He just seems to lack a social filter and doesn’t really care about the consequences of what he says. At times he has really hurt me with things he comes out with even though I usually don’t let on. This is usually after he has drunk too much. Still, if there was for example ever a situation where he had to meet my parents, I’d be very nervous.

But if I do say that I found his behaviour offensive, he is always so charming in his apologies, it’s hard to feel annoyed for long. He is so intelligent and profound in what he talks about, he just thinks differently from everyone else or something. I soon found myself looking more and more forward to hanging out with him.

Once it so happened that it was just us two on one occasion, it felt like a first date or something, he just makes you feel like you are the only woman in the world. We had a great time and I’m really ashamed to say, but I wanted him to try it on. I even felt hurt that he didn’t as it seemed like that was going to happen. I haven’t admitted this to anyone before. Even typing it makes me feel like I cheated emotionally. To be honest I didn’t want to see David after that, even thinking about him felt like a stab to the heart and brought on too many conflicting emotions. So I just avoided him.

Of course then I started to miss him again after a while, so when he contacted me I was delighted. He wanted to meet up and I eagerly accepted, but I made sure to invite my boyfriend as well later on, just in case. So, David seemed quite angry with me, maybe rightfully so, but I didn’t tell him why. He did tell me that I was the most fantastic person he had met for a long time, which you have no idea how it made me feel inside, but again I didn’t let on.

I went back to England for a few weeks in the summer and I and a friend met up with David as he was over with some friends of his. As far as I know this was a coincidence. So again after a few drinks we were getting dangerously close. I was glad my friend was there to stop me doing anything stupid. I did meet up with David again the day after, even though it was really nice, just walking around talking about really personal stuff, I made sure not to drink any alcohol and to go back reasonably early, just so nothing could happen.

Again, I felt a bit anti-climatic doing this. He has now actually moved to Cork, but he comes back to Dublin every six weeks or so, usually wants to meet up. I thought this might help matters, but it hasn’t really. I’m pretty sure he likes me as well, but he can be very hot and cold. He’ll ignore my messages for example and then later he’ll just say something which melts my heart. Or just have a certain way of looking into my eyes or touching me if we are out. I don’t think he’s a player or anything like that, I think he’s only really had a few girlfriends ever, but girls certainly seem to like him as far as I can tell. Even seeing him with another attractive girl in photos on Facebook irritates me. Apparently he was a little bit of a wild boy when he was younger, which embarrassingly adds to the intrigue. He makes me feel like a teenager is the best way of putting it. As inappropriate as that is for a woman of my age.

I feel quite stupid posting this. Some people have real problems and I feel like a lady who wants to have her cake and eat it. Why would anyone in their right mind have doubts about a fantastic man like I have, who is dedicated to me, who all of my family and friends really like, and offers a stable, bright future with? And I have my head turned by another man, who seems to be predictably unpredictable, has a slight drink problem, can be chauvinistic and far too outspoken, where nothing has even happened and who I don’t even know 100 percent definitely likes me in that way. But how good does it feel around him? I suppose I know the answer that everyone will give, why would I give up such a good thing that I have, or even consider it? I suppose I just want to know is this normal? Can one guy be too perfect? Am I just a selfish idiot for having these doubts? Should I not have grown up by now?

Thank you for listening however.

Whitewinged

In fairness he does sound like a player.

I don't know it's hard to give advice for these things because if you take it and I say "keep away" then you will end up with this idealised regret towards him in a kind of "what if" way.

He shows all the red flags of a womaniser but in your head you are probably excusing that because you think he is acting like that because you are already in a relationship.

He hasn't done anything to let you know that he likes you other than ambiguous flirting and statements of which you have said you find confusing and are not sure exactly what he means.

sometimes the "angry" and "cold" actions, you can lead yourself to believe he is angry because of frustration with the situation but really he is just being a jerk.

The misogynistic remarks, well I can get a joke but you know when someone is joking and you can kind of tell if they have a belief also in what they are saying. You know?

Basically what he is doing is, he is giving you everything but also giving you nothing at the same time. He is leaving the ball in your court. He wants to sleep with you but he wants to play a bit first to amp up the sexual tension. He is triggering this in you so that you approach him. When you approach him by coming onto him, after he can walk away guilt free because you came onto him right? He might engage in an affair with you but if I had a choice between him and your current bf, I know who I'd be gambling on.

Shelga

Ashamedandconfusedlady29 wrote: »

He wanted to meet up and I eagerly accepted

I went back to England for a few weeks in the summer and I and a friend met up with David

he comes back to Dublin every six weeks or so, usually wants to meet up. I thought this might help matters, but it hasn’t really. I’m pretty sure he likes me as well, but he can be very hot and cold. He’ll ignore my messages for example and then later he’ll just say something which melts my heart.

Hi OP, I think it's very normal to have these types of feelings after being in a relationship for 3 years. However, I think you're playing with fire by meeting up with him and messaging him. As soon as you realised you were having these inappropriate feelings, you should have cut out all contact with him. Stop putting yourself in a dangerous position and feeding the tiger, as it were.

Put this guy out of your head and assess the situation with your boyfriend before you do anything else. Do you want to spend your life with your boyfriend and are just feeling a bit restless, but it can be resolved? Or is it something deeper and the relationship is reaching its natural conclusion?

You owe it to your boyfriend to figure this out on your own, without investing your emotions in another guy.

Who cares if this guy is a player, what his personality is like, who his exes are? Sort your head out and stop emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. Because yes, that's what it is, when you message/see someone after realising you're developing feelings for them, and it's not nice.

kylith

Sounds like you have a crush on a bad boy, and that's ok. However he is a bad boy, and sounds like a bit of an asshole too; going on and on about how he got you with a prank, argumentative, confrontational, chauvinistic, sexist, unpredictable. But hey, he's charming too, when he wants to be, so that's ok :rolleyes:

Whitewinged is right, I think, he wants you to be the one to make the move so that he's blameless in the shtstorm that would ensue. Would it really be worth throwing away a relationship with your BF for someone you admit you'd be nervous to introduce to your parents because you don't know what he'd do.

Confident assholes are fun to mess around with when you're single, but if you went near him now you'd regret it. Try to forget that you're attracted to him and see him just for what he does and says, I bet the shine soon wears off.

Barely There

It sounds like you're bored and David is providing the excitement in your life.

I guess if you're serious about your current boyfriend you should be investing in trying to spice things up with him and stop pining after this other chap.

So my advice;
Cut contact with David completely - it's only a matter of time before something happens between you and him if you keep meeting up.
Have a talk with your current BF - tell him you're concerned that things might be getting little stale and comfortable and see if there's anything you can both do to improve this.

LegacyUser

He is a player, charmer, whatever you want to call it. You think he's not because your idea of that is the very sexy and handsome guy that has had an endless string of women etc. Womanisers and players aren't always like this, they are often not conventionally attractive, but very confident, suprisingly charismatic, highly intelligent, mysterious, do not care what anyone thinks and that's what make them attractive. But it also what makes men like this an absolute nightmare to get involved with.
He has already hurt you in numerous ways, you are blinded by the charming confident and cheeky side, but the other side is coming through, totally insensitive to your feelings, and actually sounds quite narcissistic. He knows you like him, I guarantee you that, and is getting a kick from drawing you in and teasing you. I have had the exact same experience and let me tell you it is not worth it. You are craving excitement and unpredictability, that is all. And when you've tasted it, realise it wasn't worth it, was NEVER going to go anywhere because he has so little respect and doesnt actually care about you, you've then lost everything with someone who actually does care.

OneOfThem

It doesn't really sound like he's said or done anything that would particularly suggest he's any interest in you beyond a mate really. It all just seems to be you projecting something more/deeper onto what sounds to me just like a friendly sociable guy being friendly and sociable with you. He's probably the same with everyone. I think you're reading into things something that isn't there tbh.

Greenduck

OP,

You seriously need to stand back from this situation and take a good hard look at what is happening right in front of your eyes.

You mention your current partner is great, wonderful etc but it seems that he is non-existent in this scenario. When you are hoping for something to happen with David, are you anticipating the hurt and destruction you could cause for your current boyfriend? Your actions could literally destroy him and his trust in women. You are not considering him in any of this and are only thinking about yourself and what you want and desire.

Also you will probably feel sick with guilt for a long time, so be prepared for the repercussions that will follow.

Maybe ask yourself how would you feel if he were writing a post about one of his co-workers and that he wished she would make a move? I'm guessing you would not like it.

If your head is being turned to such an extent, you should probably start to think about why. Before something escalates, you should at least respect your boyfriend enough to break up with him first.

If this post sounds harsh, its probably because it is. I would say the exact same to any friend in your situation and I would expect the same back.

Taboola

Imagine the tables were turned and you read a post like that your boyfriend wrote about a girl he had a crush on.

I don't think you love your boyfriend as much as you think you do. You should probably do the honest thing and break up with him.

Mr. Incognito

If you value your relationship cut all contact with this guy and work on your relationship.

If you are single down the line give him a shout.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you so much for all your feedback. I feel very touched that strangers would take time out of their busy days to give me assistance. I will try to reply to most posts and maybe provide some more information. I don't think I can use multiquote when anonymous as I see it. But I can maybe copy and paste to stop me using multiple posts.

LegacyUser

Whitewinged wrote: »

He shows all the red flags of a womaniser but in your head you are probably excusing that because you think he is acting like that because you are already in a relationship.

He hasn't done anything to let you know that he likes you other than ambiguous flirting and statements of which you have said you find confusing and are not sure exactly what he means.

Thanks Whitewinged. If you don't mind, could you please explain your first sentence above? I don't quite know what you mean.

The hot and cold stuff does drive me crazy. But I think there is an attraction towards me, other than all the compliments, my friend from school in England said when she saw us together that he blatantly fancied me and that I should be careful around him as I was not really persuading him to stop flirting, which is bad of me I know. So even though I'm not 100 percent, I think the chances are quite high he does like me.

LegacyUser

Shelga wrote: »

Hi OP, I think it's very normal to have these types of feelings after being in a relationship for 3 years. However, I think you're playing with fire by meeting up with him and messaging him. As soon as you realised you were having these inappropriate feelings, you should have cut out all contact with him. Stop putting yourself in a dangerous position and feeding the tiger, as it were.

Put this guy out of your head and assess the situation with your boyfriend before you do anything else. Do you want to spend your life with your boyfriend and are just feeling a bit restless, but it can be resolved? Or is it something deeper and the relationship is reaching its natural conclusion?

You owe it to your boyfriend to figure this out on your own, without investing your emotions in another guy.

Who cares if this guy is a player, what his personality is like, who his exes are? Sort your head out and stop emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. Because yes, that's what it is, when you message/see someone after realising you're developing feelings for them, and it's not nice.

I did intend after we went out just the two of us and I felt a bit rejected when he tried nothing on, to cut contact with him completely. To be honest, had he not sent me a message, I probably would not have initiated anything myself. I just felt too hurt. Maybe my mistake was replying to David's message, but I had really started to miss him at that point.

I don't know, I'm not saying my boyfriend is perfect either, but I really do feel lucky to be with him, he's the best partner I've ever had, he's so reliable and always there for me. Even physically he is definitely better looking than David. But yes, this situation is not fair on him. That is clear. He has even joked in the past that I fancy David and that I tend to dress up more when I'm going to see him. Him and David actually get on quite well as it happens. But yes, I think I'll have to make a decision soon, one way or another.

I did read up on emotional cheating today, I found it interesting that it said that it can go on for quite a long period without anything physical happening, but once the first kiss occurs things can turn sexual very quickly. I do fear something like this happening with David, even thinking about kissing him gives me such electricity.

LegacyUser

kylith wrote: »

Sounds like you have a crush on a bad boy, and that's ok. However he is a bad boy, and sounds like a bit of an asshole too; going on and on about how he got you with a prank, argumentative, confrontational, chauvinistic, sexist, unpredictable. But hey, he's charming too, when he wants to be, so that's ok :rolleyes:

Whitewinged is right, I think, he wants you to be the one to make the move so that he's blameless in the shtstorm that would ensue. Would it really be worth throwing away a relationship with your BF for someone you admit you'd be nervous to introduce to your parents because you don't know what he'd do.

Confident assholes are fun to mess around with when you're single, but if you went near him now you'd regret it. Try to forget that you're attracted to him and see him just for what he does and says, I bet the shine soon wears off.

Sadly as much as I wish you were wrong kylith I fear that you are completely right. I think I've just been caught up in his rollercoaster ride. I mean yes, I know all his bad traits and then I'm with him and I feel I can tell him anything, he just listens so well or something, everything just feels so comfortable is the best way I can put it. But he really does have a good side as well, like he can act very gentlemanly in many ways, opening doors, pulling out chairs, letting me order first, sends me a text to ask if I got home safely and so on. I know I should resist this, but well I suppose we all like to be flattered from time to time.

This is not my boyfriend's fault, but well, we see each other every day, so it's inevitable that our conversation can from time to time be a bit mundane. And then with David nearly every time we meet up it's like "Oh great to see you, have you lost weight, you look very striking tonight, I missed you a lot" and so on. I know it's a cliche of course, but if I'm truthful I tend to overlook his bad side because the good points give me such emotional highs I suppose. But yeah, I know I only have myself to blame. I don't think I'm a bad person, but thinking like this makes me feel like one I believe.

LegacyUser

justacharmer wrote: »

He is a player, charmer, whatever you want to call it. You think he's not because your idea of that is the very sexy and handsome guy that has had an endless string of women etc. Womanisers and players aren't always like this, they are often not conventionally attractive, but very confident, suprisingly charismatic, highly intelligent, mysterious, do not care what anyone thinks and that's what make them attractive. But it also what makes men like this an absolute nightmare to get involved with.
He has already hurt you in numerous ways, you are blinded by the charming confident and cheeky side, but the other side is coming through, totally insensitive to your feelings, and actually sounds quite narcissistic. He knows you like him, I guarantee you that, and is getting a kick from drawing you in and teasing you. I have had the exact same experience and let me tell you it is not worth it. You are craving excitement and unpredictability, that is all. And when you've tasted it, realise it wasn't worth it, was NEVER going to go anywhere because he has so little respect and doesnt actually care about you, you've then lost everything with someone who actually does care.

You might be right. He's certainly not the type of guy that just walks into a bar or club and all the girls flock towards him. He's just like medium height, not particularly muscular or anything and has no real defining features. I did speak to another girl who knows him quite well, she also said that yeah he wasn't particularly handsome but there was just something about him, that if she wasn't in a relationship she would be quite attracted. This should be a lesson for me I suppose.

I'm afraid he probably does know I like him. I keep trying to tell him we are just friends but he always smirks at me when I say it, which really annoys me, but probably because he knows it's not true and there's something more there. I hope he is not insensitive to my feelings, that would make me quite upset, I do find him quite thoughtful, but then so is my boyfriend. And yes I know that he definitely cares about me. As you say, should I be throwing something like that away?

LegacyUser

Greenduck wrote: »

OP,

You seriously need to stand back from this situation and take a good hard look at what is happening right in front of your eyes.

You mention your current partner is great, wonderful etc but it seems that he is non-existent in this scenario. When you are hoping for something to happen with David, are you anticipating the hurt and destruction you could cause for your current boyfriend? Your actions could literally destroy him and his trust in women. You are not considering him in any of this and are only thinking about yourself and what you want and desire.

Also you will probably feel sick with guilt for a long time, so be prepared for the repercussions that will follow.

Maybe ask yourself how would you feel if he were writing a post about one of his co-workers and that he wished she would make a move? I'm guessing you would not like it.

If your head is being turned to such an extent, you should probably start to think about why. Before something escalates, you should at least respect your boyfriend enough to break up with him first.

If this post sounds harsh, its probably because it is. I would say the exact same to any friend in your situation and I would expect the same back.

No problem about being harsh, I realise that a lot of my thinking in this situation is very disrespectful to my current boyfriend, who is such a wonderful guy. And yes, sadly I do get jealous very easily so if he did like a co-worker I would find it hard to stay in control. I see the irony here a bit, if he did flirt with other girls it's possible I might start focusing more on him and less on David. But he's always so respectful of me, he would never do that in front of me I think. He's just a very pleasant, sociable, friendly guy. He occasionally loses his temper with me, but I know he would never get physical or anything like that. As I say, my friends and family really really like him and they think I've hit the jackpot with him.

David is coming back to Dublin the weekend after next. I have a lot of serious thinking to do before then. He'll want to meet up of course, if I do, I'll ask my boyfriend or a close friend to come along. One unfortunate thing I have learnt is I don't really trust myself if it's just David and me and alcohol is involved. That I definitely know. And yes, if the chemistry gets too strong, I may have to do the unthinkable and break up with my boyfriend. It would only be the right thing to do, as much as it hurts me to say. Although I suppose I'm fearful of ending up alone in that scenario. I have no guarantee that if I was single, David would go for me, even though the signs appear favourable. Do I want to take that risk though?

SexyCoccyx

What would happen if you didn't meet David when he came to Dublin?

LegacyUser

SexyCoccyx wrote: »

What would happen if you didn't meet David when he came to Dublin?

Honestly, I suppose I'd be disappointed. I know that it would probably for the best if I didn't see him but yeah I'd be regretful.

Of course I tell my bf, everyone else and him that we are just friends, but I suppose I have to say that.

Whitewinged

Ashamedandconfusedlady29 wrote: »

Thanks Whitewinged. If you don't mind, could you please explain your first sentence above? I don't quite know what you mean.

The hot and cold stuff does drive me crazy. But I think there is an attraction towards me, other than all the compliments, my friend from school in England said when she saw us together that he blatantly fancied me and that I should be careful around him as I was not really persuading him to stop flirting, which is bad of me I know. So even though I'm not 100 percent, I think the chances are quite high he does like me.

What I meant is that you might be excusing some of his behaviour. The fact that you are in a relationship may make some of his behaviours seem justified to you. For example (not quoting you) "he's being hot and cold because he is torn between the fact that I have a boyfriend" or "he's given me mixed messages because he's confused and doesn't want to hurt my boyfriend or ruin a relationship" but this is not how he is thinking because if that was the case he wouldn't make a play for you or string you along. I would say that the fact you are in a relationship is part of the turn on. It's a challenge. It makes it exciting. It's a game. It nurses his ego to think he can have you if he wants but he's not quite sure of that yet so it is keeping him intrigued and keeps him playing. As soon as he does have you, it won't take long for the novelty to wear off.

I have no doubt that he is attracted to you (for now). I think we all have met someone like this before and there is usually a pattern, a pattern which I can recognise in your posts that I came across myself and judging by the responses I think a lot of other people have also experienced something similar. You feel like it's something special or unique. But the reality is that he is probably like this with a lot of girls.

I can understand it is exciting but really when someone genuinely likes you and is falling for you, they do not blow hot and cold or leave you confused or mess with your head.

Going by your posts though, you really sound wrapped up in him and I feel bad for your bf. You probably should finish with him. I don't believe that a relationship with David sounds as "favourable" as you are leading yourself to believe.

Jan Laco

I think you are over the edge and you should break up with your boyfriend. you are more worried if David likes you than worried about your boyfriend.
You show no enthusiasm for not meeting up as was advice given previously.

Ursus Horribilis

I also think your relationship is in trouble. Your head has been turned by David which is an entirely human thing to have happen. I'm not seeing any evidence of you trying to put a stop to this. Nor do you seem to be working on your own relationship to bring the spark back into it. You don't speak of your boyfriend with the excitement that you do of David. You say he's wonderful and your family think he's lovely but is that enough? What is it that David is giving you that your boyfriend isn't? Did he (your boyfriend) ever make you feel the way David does now or are you settling?

beks101

You're bored of your current relationship and don't seem to have any sexual or emotional attraction to your boyfriend at all.

How would you feel if he was the one writing your OP about another girl, waxing lyrical about how sexy and charismatic and exciting and unpredictable she was, and how 'educated' and 'reliable' you were?

You even gave this other fella a name in your OP. "David this, David that." Your boyfriend wasn't mentioned enough to warrant a name. Kinda says it all really.

You're not even willing to entertain the notion of perhaps not meeting up with 'David' when he's back in town. If saving your relationship was a priority to you, this would be a no-brainer.

Do the honourable thing and end it with your OH. He deserves more than someone who can't make up her mind about whether or not to leave him because he's so 'trustworthy' and yet who can't trust herself not to hook up with some guy she can't seem to stop meeting at any opportunity.

DukeOfTheSharp

I've seen this happen to enough people to know what happens next. You like the security of having a boyfriend, you just don't like anything else about him. He's good to you, but you don't really appreciate it, because if you did you'd have shut this whole thing down the moment it started out of respect for him. This isn't normal behavior, despite what some might say: having your head 'turned' is a momentary thing, it lasts a split second and ends in the same time. This isn't that, because you're worried about whether or not 'David' likes you and what you might do if it were the two of you alone together with alcohol in the mix. What really strikes me is how you've talked about 'throwing away' someone like your boyfriend due to how much he cares for you...that isn't normal either. You're treating him like a concept, not a person, based on what he provides you. Break it off from your current boyfriend and let him find someone who really respects him, nobody deserves this treatment and it inevitably ends in one of two ways otherwise: you either sleep with 'David', like it and continue while in a relationship, or you don't and end up resenting your boyfriend because you blame him for not getting what you wanted. The point of no return is long gone I'm afraid.

Barely There

Ashamedandconfusedlady29 wrote: »

David is coming back to Dublin the weekend after next. I have a lot of serious thinking to do before then. He'll want to meet up of course, if I do, I'll ask my boyfriend or a close friend to come along.

I actually feel a bit sorry for your BF.
There's no way you'd be considering meeting up with this guy if you were serious about your current relationship.

mylefttesticle

You are using your Bf as a chaperone in your new relationship! physical or mental it makes no difference. Thats quite disturbing.

The only reason your're staying with your Bf is that you are afraid to end up lonely and the other logical reason, your friends and family like him.

You are treating your boyfriend horribly that is something to consider and make a decision with but plain as day to see you don't love your Bf and I'm not being harsh here it happens but be humane and move on and let him find someone who truly loves him and you too.

CaraMay

I agree with the last poster - the worst thing you are doing is making your bf act as chaperone so you can see yer man. You are really making an idiot out of him by treating him like this. Crushes happen but it clear as day you ard willing to walk on anyone ie your bf to get what you want. Not cool

Penny Tration

OP, the way you describe your boyfriend - yikes. If I was described by my boyfriend as 'steady, reliable' and so on, I'd be heartbroken. that's not how you describe someone you love!

What really strikes me here is that you KNOW this is wrong. You know you're betraying your boyfriend. And instead of doing the right thing and either ending the relationship, or cutting contact with David, you're choosing instead to bring your boyfriend with you to meet up with David?! If you gave two figs about your boyfriend, you wouldn't use him in such a nasty way.

Leave him so he can find someone who deserves him. Your actions right now in choosing to bring him to meet David are deplorable.

Whitewinged

Penny Tration wrote: »

OP, the way you describe your boyfriend - yikes. If I was described by my boyfriend as 'steady, reliable' and so on, I'd be heartbroken. that's not how you describe someone you love!

What really strikes me here is that you KNOW this is wrong. You know you're betraying your boyfriend. And instead of doing the right thing and either ending the relationship, or cutting contact with David, you're choosing instead to bring your boyfriend with you to meet up with David?! If you gave two figs about your boyfriend, you wouldn't use him in such a nasty way.

Leave him so he can find someone who deserves him. Your actions right now in choosing to bring him to meet David are deplorable.

I actually don't think it's bad to describe an SO as steady and reliable. In a relationship that is what you need.

A couple of months of hot and cold mood swings and unpredictable not knowing where you stand with "david" will make steady and reliable seem far more attractive.

OneOfThem

Ashamedandconfusedlady29 wrote: »

The hot and cold stuff does drive me crazy. But I think there is an attraction towards me, other than all the compliments, my friend from school in England said when she saw us together that he blatantly fancied me and that I should be careful around him as I was not really persuading him to stop flirting, which is bad of me I know. So even though I'm not 100 percent, I think the chances are quite high he does like me.

Yeah, I don't really think "my mate says he likes me" is really evidence of this guy holding any kind of a flame for you either.

He, from the sound of it, could wink at you and you'd have your knickers off, but despite numerous opportunities, he hasn't made any kind of a move or expressed an interest beyond the platonic, even with the two of you alone together in a foreign country for hours drunk together.

I've been that guy a couple of times, friends with some girl, don't think about her any different to other friends, then next thing I know she's lunging at me one night while her boyfriend's at home.

Can happen sometimes. Someone's bored/fallen out of love with thier relationship/partner, so they fixate on someone/something else and have themselves a little forbidden love affair in thier head rather than have to face up to the fact that their relationship is tanking, maybe try to line up a new boyfriend before they finish with thier current one so they don't have to face being single.

I dunno, based on what you've written, about David, you're boyfriend, your relationship, and yourself, I think this on the balance of probabilities what the situation is. I'd guess that what will happen is if your throw yourself at this guy, he'll either turn you down flat, or if he's a little less honest/more desperate, ride you a couple of times but won't be interested in a relationship because tbh, men generally don't exactly think of the girl that's cheating on her boyfriend with them, as future wife material, and afterwards you'll go back to your boyfriend and wait until another guy comes along and "turns your head" and you can try a relationship switcheroo with him instead.

Obviously the far healthier and better for all concerned, including yourself, course of action, would be to end your current relationship before chasing after other guys, freeing both you and your boyfriend up to pursue other people without anyone having to get sh1t on. Everyone's a winner.

Ashamedandconfusedlady29

Ashamedandconfusedlady29 wrote: »

I did intend after we went out just the two of us and I felt a bit rejected when he tried nothing on, to cut contact with him completely. To be honest, had he not sent me a message, I probably would not have initiated anything myself. I just felt too hurt. Maybe my mistake was replying to David's message, but I had really started to miss him at that point.

Honestly OP, re-read what you wrote above. You clearly would have cheated on your boyfriend if "David" had made the first move. Which would have been nice ... because then you could have convinced yourself it was his fault and he initiated the problem. But the problem is you.

I can't go as far as telling you to break up with your boyfriend, but I feel deeply, deeply sorry for him.

Piglet85

Ashamedandconfusedlady29 wrote: »

He'll want to meet up of course, if I do, I'll ask my boyfriend or a close friend to come along. One unfortunate thing I have learnt is I don't really trust myself if it's just David and me and alcohol is involved. That I definitely know. And yes, if the chemistry gets too strong, I may have to do the unthinkable and break up with my boyfriend. It would only be the right thing to do, as much as it hurts me to say. Although I suppose I'm fearful of ending up alone in that scenario.

Jesus, this is a car crash waiting to happen OP, and the worst bit is, you know it!

Seriously, this is not fair on your boyfriend. You're acting like a coward here and he doesn't deserve it. You're going to bring your boyfriend along when meeting a guy you're fantasising about while you suss out for definite whether it's worth dumping him? Can you not see how wrong that is? Imagine if your boyfriend was doing the same to you?

Look, it's not fair to string them both along like this (although I can't say I have any great sympathy for David in this situation). You need to make a decision. Either David is worth taking a risk on, in which case you need to end it with your boyfriend, and you need to do it now, before you see David again. Or else you need to decide to prioritise your current relationship and never see David again, alone or otherwise. To be honest, I don't hold out much hope of you and David being the romance of the century, as I suspect much of the frisson you're feeling would dissipate quite quickly if you found yourself in a relationship with him and had to put up with his downsides day in, day out. But you're perfectly entitled to want to try. You're just not entitled to treat your boyfriend like crap while making up your mind, and that's what you're doing (even if he doesn't realise it - yet).

fiveleavesleft

Another thing to bear in mind is if after sussing him out on his visit whilst your boyfriend is with you!!, you find David keen & you both act on those urges then its bye bye boyfriend. How are u going to cope with Davids charismatic womanizing ways around other women?

Isn't there a risk you'll become your boyfriend in that situation, i.e. Davids reliable, steady, dependable girlfriend keeping his bed warm. You already mentioned the other girl with a boyfriend who is intrigued by him. What about all the single girls, all the drunk girls he'll work his dazzling charm on? You ok with that? I'm not saying David is a cheat but from what you have written he does get a kick out of womanizing & chatting up girls irrespective of whether they have a boyfriend or not. Thats not gonna change.

Maybe thats Davids appeal, maybe that would attract you even more to him. Could you handle it like your boyfriend has with you?, e.g. you mention getting dolled up for David, his joke about you fancying David etc... , Your boyf has noticed how you change around David, your friend has too!! Maybe your boyfriend can deal with it because he values your relationship & trusts you. Could you trust David?

I think you crossed the Rubicon long ago & need to act. David seems to be who you want more so you should go for it but only after you have let ur boyfriend go. But bear in mind any involvement with David should initially be taken as a bit of fun, save no one getting hurt, most of all yourself.

MagicMarker

You sound so callous and cold hearted OP. You know if you could you'd cheat on your boyfriend with this guy yet you're considering meeting him again, and to stop that from happening you're going to bring your BF along!?

Honestly, that's beyond ****ed up.

Your BF deserves better.

mcmoustache

Do you think David can provide long-term happiness?

Or do you think that he just wants a bit of excitement?

If this is only about excitement, it won't end well. He'll have had his fun and you'll have no one.

njs030

Op a good few years ago I was in your situation, lovely steady boyfriend (though the relationship had gone a bit stale) and a "friend" who was always flirting and paying me compliments, lots of attention and so on.
Eventually it came to a head and he made a move, as I had a boyfriend I said no but he knew I was tempted and asked me to give "us" a chance.
I was so flattered by this friend and bored with my kind and stable boyfriend I broke up with him and went off to my new life.
We went on one date, then he tried to set up a friends with benefits scenario claiming he had too much on for a relationship at the moment...I eventually realised it was all about wanting what he couldnt have. While I was unavailable I was a prize but once it became a reality he was gone. Every time I walked away from him his interest would re-awaken, this went on for so long I'm embarrassed to admit how long I held out hope that it wasn't a huge mistake.
Of course I eventually had the sense to cut ties, and it did show me that the relationship I was in wasn't right either (so something good did come out of it) but it was a painful lesson that took too long out of my life.

I see him now and then and hes still single and hanging around with a variety of women so I wouldn't be suprised if he was still the same!

LegacyUser

OP again. Thanks for all your messages. I was reading them today at work. I didn't get much work done really. I think yeah, the truth does hurt. I wrote yesterday that I didn't think I was a bad person, but I think you have made me realise that that is exactly what I am acting like this. Which is certainly unacceptable to my lovely boyfriend. I think it was beks who said I couldn't even mention him enough to give him a name, well this was not my intention, but I can see where she is coming from. So we can use Johnny let's say, which like David is not his real name obviously.

I am glad I can speak anonymously, it would be very hard to speak to friends and family about this situation, as mentioned already they really like Johnny a lot, so it would not be ideal.

There are a few issues now. As I say, I have never really been happier with Johnny, apart from one or two problems recently. He is the best guy I have ever been with by a long way. He has so many good points it would be pointless listing them here, plus he is very handsome, more so than David as I already said. I remember getting together with him and thinking everything was perfect. And I really don't want to hurt him in any way. So I think I have to make a decision in the next week. A big decision. Either break up with Johnny or don't meet David and cut him out of my life completely. As everyone says, he deserves far much more than this and yes me wanting to bring him along to meet David to ensure nothing happened was very selfish of me. I suppose what is most worrying is I couldn't see this myself until it was pointed out to me.

There is a very strong attraction to David, I can't deny that. Luckily you can't see how many times people check your Facebook as I am on his a lot. And yes I am not sure my attraction is reciprocated. I think it is, as he always touches me a lot and stuff along with the compliments, but I'm really not 100 percent sure. I keep thinking back to the time when we went out together alone for drinks and he didn't try it on. I can't decide if he did nothing out of respect for my relationship, as he does get on with Johnny after all, or simply because he doesn't fancy me. It was hopefully the first option, even though yes I am ashamed to admit that I felt hurt when nothing happened, clearly a bad sign, I should probably have cut contact then for good instead of replying to his message.

fiveleavesleft wrote: »

Another thing to bear in mind is if after sussing him out on his visit whilst your boyfriend is with you!!, you find David keen & you both act on those urges then its bye bye boyfriend. How are u going to cope with Davids charismatic womanizing ways around other women?

Isn't there a risk you'll become your boyfriend in that situation, i.e. Davids reliable, steady, dependable girlfriend keeping his bed warm. You already mentioned the other girl with a boyfriend who is intrigued by him. What about all the single girls, all the drunk girls he'll work his dazzling charm on? You ok with that? I'm not saying David is a cheat but from what you have written he does get a kick out of womanizing & chatting up girls irrespective of whether they have a boyfriend or not. Thats not gonna change.

Maybe thats Davids appeal, maybe that would attract you even more to him. Could you handle it like your boyfriend has with you?, e.g. you mention getting dolled up for David, his joke about you fancying David etc... , Your boyf has noticed how you change around David, your friend has too!! Maybe your boyfriend can deal with it because he values your relationship & trusts you. Could you trust David?

I think you crossed the Rubicon long ago & need to act. David seems to be who you want more so you should go for it but only after you have let ur boyfriend go. But bear in mind any involvement with David should initially be taken as a bit of fun, save no one getting hurt, most of all yourself.

I have seen him with other girls he knows when out and online in Facebook interaction and yes, he does seem to attract their attention all right when they know him. I don't think he's a womaniser though. Even though the fact he hasn't had many long relationships is slightly worrying. As is my jealous side, I would hate if Johnny did some of the things David does and therefore that would be a big red flag getting into a relationship with him. But I think I could trust him though, he does get me frustrated, but it's kind of a playful frustration if you know what I mean and at times we have really connected, like it's just been like only us two in the world and stuff.

Of course, back on topic, I really need to make a decision and decide which is fairest on Johnny, he has done nothing wrong at all here. If I stay with him, as I say, as hard as it may be but I'll just cut contact with David and if he sends me a message like last time, I'll just ignore it. After all, before he started growing on me, our relationship was really rock solid. And then just cut him out of my life completely, if I'm to save the relationship. And if I decide that I can't resist David or can't stop thinking about him, well I'll just have to end the relationship with Johnny. I'll just have to take the risk that if I do this and then go out with David, either something happens, he won't just use me for something casual and we might start going out properly. Of course he might reject me or won't be interested long-term and in that case well I'll just have to deal with being single.

I think that is probably the best decision at this time. I'll try to decide something by the end of next week, it's going to be tough I think for sure.

MagicMarker

Either way you should break up with your boyfriend.

Gunslinger92

OP, it'd be very ****ty of you to stay with your boyfriend when you're in a situation that you're disappointed some other fella didn't try it on with you. As someone else said, you don't love him as much as you think you do, if at all. Break up with the poor guy, it's the right thing to do and you know it.

Penny Tration

You're using your boyfriend.

First, it was an excuse not to sleep with David. Then it was in case David didn't like you. Then it was as a decoy because you WANTED to sleep with David. Now it's because you don't know what you want.

Stop using him as a back up plan. He deserves more.

nicki11

Definitely agree with the posters here, you need to make a decision though it wouldn't be fair to stay with your bf if you cut off contact with David so a conversation down the line may be needed.

Especially as he would notice you getting depressed over David who by your own description sounds like a womanizer and is just chasing you and once he has you he'll use you and then leave you with nothing and I think your in denial over this.

Lastly how hurt would you be if your bf broke up with you and less then a week later you were with some other guy either way he will be hurt but if you let go off this harmful crush and explain thats all it was (-the grass isn't always greener sometimes its radioactive-and to be honest that seems to be what it is) it will then be up to him to continue with you or not but you need to work out what you want.

Seaba

If David was interested in you, and IF he was a decent guy, he would by now, after all your meetings, have said something to you along the lines "this is really awkward, and I know I shouldn't be saying this as Johnny is your boyfriend, and a friend of mine, but I feel really attracted to you, every time we talk/are together.....I think/hope you might feel the same way towards to me?"......silence.....as he looks at you hoping for a positive response.

Any decent guy, with any morals, would say this. He hasn't.

If you go with him, it will be brilliant for a while and then you will see him talking to another girl, and you will get this feeling in your stomach, and realise your fears about him/your relationship are coming through.

My advice: do not go with/meet David. Talk to your boyfriend, it's the least he deserves, and try and see if ye can get some spark back in your relationship.

mylefttesticle

Of course, back on topic, I really need to make a decision and decide which is fairest on Johnny, he has done nothing wrong at all here. If I stay with him, as I say, as hard as it may be but I'll just cut contact with David and if he sends me a message like last time, I'll just ignore it. After all, before he started growing on me, our relationship was really rock solid.

I gather you have more respect for a pair of shoes than Johnny! Do you know whats truly horrible about your posts? The fact that you have all the power in your ''relationship''. Relationships are between people and a rock solid foundation is built on mutual respect and openness. Be a grown up and discuss this with your BF and give him a voice and a say in your 'Rock solid relationship' Because if you don't it won't last anyway.

Wompa1

You have to break up with your boyfriend.

Paully D

These situations often go as follows:

1) The person with the feelings for another guy/girl breaks up with boyfriend/girlfriend or cheats to be with "David".

2) It's great with the "David" character for a (very) short time.

3) After a short time, all the things the person with feelings for another guy/girl knew were bad traits in "David" but ignored come to the fore.

4) Person with the feelings for another guy/girl regrets his/her decision but by now it's too late.

I think it's pretty clear that if anything happens with David that it is going to be a short-term thing, I see nothing from your posts/descriptions about him that suggest it can be anything but. Is that worth throwing your current relationship away for? That's a decision only you can make.

Though I will add one thing - you have been in plenty of situations with him when he has had the chance to do/say something which would give you an indication that he wants to take things further, yet he hasn't to date. If you take that step and it turns out you have read the situation wrong and it gets back to your boyfriend (which will happen if that scenario occurs) then you lose everything (relatively).

CaraMay

The sad fact is that your boyfriend is now 2nd prize. If you have an respect for him you should be cutting his guy out of your life. You then decide to break up with him or maybe give it a go but don't stay with him while you've any contact with this fella.

You talk as if you can't control this - you can. Tell him you can't meet him and spend that time figuring out what you will do about your bf

pookie82

I gather you have more respect for a pair of shoes than Johnny! Do you know whats truly horrible about your posts? The fact that you have all the power in your ''relationship''. Relationships are between people and a rock solid foundation is built on mutual respect and openness. Be a grown up and discuss this with your BF and give him a voice and a say in your 'Rock solid relationship' Because if you don't it won't last anyway.

This, times 1,000. Read this thread again, and all of your posts, through your boyfriend's eyes.

I think it's time he was given the chance to have HIS say in whether he wants to be with you, never mind you deciding if you'll "settle" for him.

There's not a lot to add to the wisdom of everyone else advising you here, apart from to say that I feel deeply sorry for him, a guy who has been nothing but good to you, and who doesn't even realise he's competing with some flash in the pan, or worse, physically accompanying you to meet this guy while you silently weigh up your options. I don't know if you're a bad person or not, but your actions in this instance are despicable.

batmanrobin

MagicMarker wrote: »

Either way you should break up with your boyfriend.

I second this. OP, throughout every post the one thing that comes through loud and clear is David, David, David! What he says or doesn't say, what he does or doesn't do, while your boyfriend is in his shadow.

If you were really happy in your relationship and truly loved your boyfriend, your head would not have been turned this much.

Your boyfriend is obviously very much aware given that he has been "joking" about it. His joking may be his way of saying to you he knows what's going on without actually coming right out and saying it.

Just save everyone a lot of drama and call it a day with your boyfriend.

Whitewinged

It's clear as day that op is not concerned with the boyfriend. But a lot of posters have actually warned you about the damage you will probably do to yourself.

your whole "relationship" with David is based on seduction.

You also keep saying that you "don't think he is a womanizer" but everything you say about him points to this.

I think because he is not conventionally good looking, you believe that he is not a womanizer but most womanizers are not good looking. They are, however exactly how you describe David to be. Like he is textbook womanizer.

The reason why posters are advising against this is because it's as clear as day that you are being played. Noone is trying to stop you from getting with your soul mate. Because he is not this. I know it feels other worldly and like you two are the only ones in the room but thisis how womanizers work. Because they know how to make women feel like this. It's all only temporary because they get bored. Most womanizers are afraid of intimacy and don't want to be known. They just play games up to a certain point and then its game over. That is why no previous serious relationships is a red flag. An every woman that falls for him sounds like you op. The hopeful one whocan change him.

strandroad

None of them is good for you or maybe you're not good for any of them.

David is only after a fling, or maybe he's just a headwrecker and wants to score a point.

Your relationship with Johnny is dead in the water if you're weighing it against a mere chance of a fling the way you do. He might be ticking all the boxes but you have no real emotion, loyalty or respect for him. Even if you get over David, if you stay together you'll do it to him again.

It feels like you should be on your own for a while to understand what you're really after.

LegacyUser

I don't think you're a monster re the flirty player guy. I do think your head has been seriously turned by him though- and that you need to ask yourself why.

Are you bored with your relationship? Is that why your head has been so easily turned? Have you done anything to inject life back into your relationship? Why do you find yourself obsessing over a guy who is clearly a bit of a womanising twat? If you're honest with yourself, could you see any future with him?

I think it would be a big mistake to settle for someone (plus, how horrible for your BF). But you're talking about shagging a total player - and for what. For sex? I feel that he would never form a relationship with you. If you feel differently, then ask him if/where he sees it going.

Last thing: bringing your BF along to stop you shagging the flirty womaniser is truly s"awful behaviour by you. Dont do that again, you'll **** him up for years.

Maybe spend some time on your own.

zeffabelli

You're in a triangle.

David has no interest in a relationship that will work. Your attachment to your boyfriend is in his mind insuring him against any demands or expectations from you. Attached people are handy for commitment phobes and players.

You may be bored and in a state of inertia with your boyfriend , no longer experiencing growth within in and using David to help yourself extract from your current attachment.

Be a grown up and face yourself.