Worried about lack of sex life

redundan1

Hi,

I am a 23yr old male. I have "recently" broken up with my girlfriend with whom I've been for nearly a year in a long distance relationship. She was my first ever girlfriend and a woman to who I lost my virginity to at the age of 22.

She literally shattered my heart into piece and pissed on it when she broke up due to selfish reasons. Of course that doesn't make more sense when you analyse it, because relationships are selfish and their sole purpose is to provide pleasure in a sense which I nor the relationship apparently provide anymore. Oh well...

We broke up in March of this year. My beautiful people...I would have never imagined what pain your loved one may cause you until that break up. I have never been through worse both emotional and physical pain that literally consumed me for months. I have reacted to this pain by completely separating myself from my family, only fighting it myself and no happiness infiltrated my life ever since the break up which is even more depressing.

I have lost my hope, my love, my life - which was the sense of my existence ever since I met her. Until this minute I miss her. However, I'd like to get answers to my questions that are boggling me. Please readers answer if you have any experience.

Since she was my first sexual partner ever does my feeling of depression and utter sadness for the past months have to do with the sex aspect? It was indeed very important to me, and I was loosing all hope and literally praying to God for my time of sex to finally come as it did with her ultimately. I would like to know your experience how it all worked out for you because I am currently in not very good mental state. I hate this state. I am sick of it. Please let it pass... Please let me experience the relationship with the loved one again, like I did in my painful long-distance relationship in which we've seen each other only twice over the 12 months span... What a beginners luck to get yourself into this type of relationship swamp...

I wan't to have sex, I desire it and am thirsty for it, and I am no ugly guy who sits at home playing his computer 24/7 but I do go clubbing every weekend. But...How is this possible I haven't gotten a single chance to stumble across that girl. It baffles me. What am I doing wrong? I am not socially awkward quite the contrary actually.. I don't know. I need her. The girl. Please come fast.

¬My moon left me, and will never come back. I miss you.

dee_mc

You've built up your last 'relationship' in your head and thought about it and overthought it and romanticised it out of aaalll proportion.
We've all done it at some point.
So, good: that's that bit out of the way.
Now you have the opportunity to move on and have some fun.
My best advice? Try to tone down the drama, and don't discuss the epic demise of your last relationship with any girl you are remotely interested in.

OnTheCouch

OP you survived without this girl for many years before meeting her and you will survive many years after again. If she was your first, there is inevitably going to be some sort of sentimentality involved and you may be one of those people that takes longer than most to get over a broken relationship, but it will pass...however long that may take.

Remember that even though many people forget this, relationships are essentially selfish vehicles, as you point out yourself they are ways of delivering pleasure and happiness to one of the parties involved, but pretty much every breakup ever is down to selfish motives, people think about what's best for themselves not the other person.

So she believed she would be better off without you, rightly or wrongly. That's just life. You have to accept it. Don't put her up on a pedestal in addition, no one is perfect and had you lived with her for instance you may have seen a lot more of her negative side. It is tough for sure, but if I understood correctly you only met up twice in 12 months, which even for a long distance relationship is pretty infrequent.

Best of luck with moving on in any case. You seem to be doing the right thing, getting out there and not moping around the house, so hopefully this method will bear fruit.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm sorry but if you go on at all in real life like you do here, you'll scare away every woman you meet. You don't sound anywhere nearly ready to go near a member of the opposite sex, let alone get up close and personal with them. You saw this girl so infrequently that you built her up into some sort of goddess in your head. You never got to see her annoying side and more's the pity. You also sound quite needy so maybe you need to work in that. Take your head out of the clouds and don't look to a mere mortal to fill the gaps in your life.

Confucius say

Agree with above. Also, welcome to reality dear boy. I am 35 and have had more sexual partners than most men I know but I've still had stints of a year or two with zero sex. Get used to it! And no girl would go near the persona you're portraying on these message boards so get your act together, move on, and maybe in time you'll get laid again.

Jasper_

I wrote a thread on here 3 years ago that was pretty much along the same lines as yours (Minus the long distance stuff and creepy neediness that comes across in your thread). So let me give you some insights and pointers if I may.

First off. This girl was your first, it is always going to hurt the first time a girl breaks up with you. You where in a state of perpetual sparsity before you met her. Your mind is currently in the process of tricking you in to thinking this sparsity will now continue and (leading on to my second point) that this girl is anything special.

Its understandable for your brain to think this girl was something special. I mean what do you really have to compare her too? Let me save you the suspense - she really really is not.

Ursus Horribilis

I typed up my earlier post on a phone so I didn't get to say just how creepily intense and needy you appear to be. You only met this girl twice(!) in your year together so it's not as if you had much of a sex life in the first place. You can't really get to know someone properly long-distance when you're mostly communicating by Skype and messaging. You've pieced together the bits you know of this girl and combined them with something she may not be. It is also kinda disturbing how you latched onto someone you barely knew in such an intense way. I don't think you realise how scary all that talk about praying to god that you'd get to have sex is.

As for what to do next. Quit the Greek Tragedy soap opera melodrama talk and sort the rest of your life back out. Reach out to your family and your friends instead of driving yourself demented over what you've lost. If you feel you are depressed or have had troubles with depression in the past, contact your GP. Your priority for now has go to be to get yourself back onto an even keel and to enjoy life as a single man. If you don't love yourself or are desperate for sex/female company, this is going to come across so clearly to women they'll spot you a mile off. Needy desperate men are about as unattractive as it gets.

redundan1

Hi guys.

Thank you for your comments. Let me elaborate if I may as I know that my post was creepy.

Well, I have thought about my life for all those months and in what state I was in when in a relationship with her. It was one of the most mystical and happy at the same time moments of my life.

She wasn't normal, she wasn't ordinary girl like all the other. I am aware that this is what every guy says, but my girl was special in her own way. The type of interests she had and the things she followed on a daily basis was...different. Trust you me.

However, I have written my first post in a certain way. The way that may seem "needy" and creepy at a same time when you read, but... This is what she was like. She was exactly like what you saw in me when you've read the post, which of course only presents a very small gimps. I do indeed miss her, I miss the person that she was, the person I didn't get to meet as much as I wanted to. To answer some of you, we've seen each other only twice in a year, but those times lasted at least two months each, it was not individual one day off.

It took me some time to understand the person she was, her habits and way of thinking and feeling the world to only some extent. Until this day I want to know, for some reason... I want to understand where did this come from and most importantly how other people react, apart from me who was already used to her way of being and quite frankly considered her as a "Goddess" as one of you pointed out. I was blind, yes. But who isn't in that state? I'd like to think I'm not the only one...

The way you reacted shows me how a person with sober mind would react to this type of behavior. I am not impressed and genuinely shocked. Is she really this bad?

Thanks for your responses.

redundan1

redundan1 wrote: »

Hi guys.

Thank you for your comments. Let me elaborate if I may as I know that my post was creepy.

Well, I have thought about my life for all those months and in what state I was in when in a relationship with her. It was one of the most mystical and happy at the same time moments of my life.

She wasn't normal, she wasn't ordinary girl like all the other. I am aware that this is what every guy says, but my girl was special in her own way. The type of interests she had and the things she followed on a daily basis was...different. Trust you me.

However, I have written my first post in a certain way. The way that may seem "needy" and creepy at a same time when you read, but... This is what she was like. She was exactly like what you saw in me when you've read the post, which of course only presents a very small gimps. I do indeed miss her, I miss the person that she was, the person I didn't get to meet as much as I wanted to. To answer some of you, we've seen each other only twice in a year, but those times lasted at least two months each, it was not individual one day off.

It took me some time to understand the person she was, her habits and way of thinking and feeling the world to only some extent. Until this day I want to know, for some reason... I want to understand where did this come from and most importantly how other people react, apart from me who was already used to her way of being and quite frankly considered her as a "Goddess" as one of you pointed out. I was blind, yes. But who isn't in that state? I'd like to think I'm not the only one...

The way you reacted shows me how a person with sober mind would react to this type of behavior. I am not impressed and genuinely shocked. Is she really this bad?

Thanks for your responses.

I know that this mightn't answer everything and the confusion might still be there but I am sorry but cannot elaborate further. This is too long of a topic for those who are remotely curious. Long and painful.

//Mod: I could not edit my previous post for some reason, by clicking edit it brings me to an empty web page, I've tried on multiple web browsers//

Stheno

redundan1 wrote: »

Hi guys.

Thank you for your comments. Let me elaborate if I may as I know that my post was creepy.

Well, I have thought about my life for all those months and in what state I was in when in a relationship with her. It was one of the most mystical and happy at the same time moments of my life.

She wasn't normal, she wasn't ordinary girl like all the other. I am aware that this is what every guy says, but my girl was special in her own way. The type of interests she had and the things she followed on a daily basis was...different. Trust you me.

However, I have written my first post in a certain way. The way that may seem "needy" and creepy at a same time when you read, but... This is what she was like. She was exactly like what you saw in me when you've read the post, which of course only presents a very small gimps. I do indeed miss her, I miss the person that she was, the person I didn't get to meet as much as I wanted to. To answer some of you, we've seen each other only twice in a year, but those times lasted at least two months each, it was not individual one day off.

It took me some time to understand the person she was, her habits and way of thinking and feeling the world to only some extent. Until this day I want to know, for some reason... I want to understand where did this come from and most importantly how other people react, apart from me who was already used to her way of being and quite frankly considered her as a "Goddess" as one of you pointed out. I was blind, yes. But who isn't in that state? I'd like to think I'm not the only one...

The way you reacted shows me how a person with sober mind would react to this type of behavior. I am not impressed and genuinely shocked. Is she really this bad?

Thanks for your responses.

You saw her twice in twelve months? And had sex on those occasions and have now built this up into the love of your life leaving you?

You need to grow up and have a proper relationship and get some perspective.

What age are you?

beks101

OP am I right in guessing English is not your first language? Your post is very disjointed.

She wasn't special. To you she was, because she was the first woman who agreed to be in some kind of a relationship with you, the woman you lost your virginity to. The only woman you got to know on an intimate level. How can you know she was special and different if she's your only experience of women, of romance, of sex?

Stop putting women and relationships and sex on a pedestal. That is a sure fire way of making certain the women stay away. We hate that neediness, that desperation and that weirdness and will run twenty miles if we get a whiff of it.

You were in some sort of long distance relationship where frankly you weren't getting laid that often anyway and now you're single again. Work from there. Being single at your age is a wonderful thing, it means you can go out and laugh and flirt with and take home as many women as you want. If you can tone down the melodramatics and creepy language and end-of-days rhetoric about your ex.

santana75

redundan1 wrote: »

because relationships are selfish and their sole purpose is to provide pleasure in a sense which I nor the relationship apparently provide anymore. Oh well...

. I don't know. I need her. The girl. Please come fast.

¬My moon left me, and will never come back. I miss you.

Youre laying on the drama with a trowel there man, take it down a notch. You have a skewed sense of what a relationship is. A healthy relationship is where you want to share the love you already have, its not about looking to take something from another person. Thats manipulation. Whoever she is, you dont need her, trust me youre looking in the wrong place for what you need. If you got with someone right now I promise you the pattern that played out in your last relationship will repeat all over again. Wayne Dyer said that relationships where there to help us grow spiritually, to see oour patterns and to break out of them. I think your last relationship is showing you that you place way the responisbility for your happiness on another person and so long as thats the case, you wont have a healthy relationship. You literally dont love yourself.

OneOfThem

redundan1 wrote: »

Worried about lack of sex life

Since she was my first sexual partner ever does my feeling of depression and utter sadness for the past months have to do with the sex aspect? It was indeed very important to me, and I was loosing all hope and literally praying to God for my time of sex to finally come as it did with her ultimately.

I wan't to have sex, I desire it and am thirsty for it, and I am no ugly guy who sits at home playing his computer 24/7 but I do go clubbing every weekend. But...How is this possible I haven't gotten a single chance to stumble across that girl. It baffles me. What am I doing wrong? I am not socially awkward quite the contrary actually.. I don't know. I need her. The girl. Please come fast.

Yeah, you're just horny and desperate (no offense). So put to bed all this "she was a goddess, my moon and stars, my everything" stuff. You just really really want a ride.

So advice along those lines.
The majority of women really really don't like feeling like a guy just wants a ride, and well, seeing as she happens to be a woman, and is standing in front of them right at this minute, she'll do for sex. They like men having a sexual interest in them, but if there is any hope of that interest being reciprocated, it has to be specifically an interest in them, as an individual. Not just as generic woman number 121 that has a vagina. Just a healthy, balanced, 'I like you, but it's not the end of the world if you don't like me' interest though. Not a 'omg! you are my moon! be with me forever so we can have sex!' interest. That's not appealing.

So you really really really need to get out of this "oh god I need sex, I need a woman, any woman, just someone for sex!" frame of mind that's bleeding through in your post. You may as well be smeared from head to toe in excrement whilst trying to score while giving off that vibe.

redundan1

Wow, that is definitely not what I meant by writing my post. Your evaluation of my person is a "bit" skewed and harsh but whatever
I am indeed in need of sex with another woman other than her. That is right... I "desperately" want it. But... You have it wrong there because I am not the type of person that you'd run away from because he is literally in your face creepily wanting to get laid. Oh no. I am the type of guy that treats girls like princesses and is willing to get into a relationship rather than casual sex. It simply doesn't appeal to me.

I believe that my post presented me in this way, but that was the point...

@Sthneo

You are right. I did see her twice for about 4 months we were together with each other and the other 8 months we lived on the phone and messenger. My age is in my first post - 23.

@beks101

This melodrama was created on purpose. It is not a representation of me in real life. I am only needy in a "typical" guy sense. Everyone wants to get laid, but I unfortunately still have this pain inside of me from the break-up and I think getting into another relationship or laid ASAP would definitely help. You are correct, English isn't my first language.

@santana75

You are 100% correct. I know that. I guess I just need time and my perspective and this "desperation" inside of my that is making me depressed needs to get once more evaluated by me...

nozipcode

OP, forget treating them like princesses until they deserve such treatment.

You said it yourself, you need a ride. No go into town tonight, have a few pints, and go out and get laid! You'd be amazed at how it will help with the heartache and hurt.

You know can have great, fun, happy experiences from 1NightStands AND even make friends for life out of them! Give it a go.