Friend don't like the guy I'm seeing

LegacyUser

This may be a bit of a trivial problem compared to a lot of the issues posted on here but I am in real need of advice.

I'm 21 and have never really been in a proper relationship so to speak, I've been on a few dates here and there and kissed guys in clubs but for one reason or another nothing much has ever really happened after that. Basically 2 weeks ago I was at a close friends birthday and got talking to a guy, we got on really well, laughed a lot, I found him quite attractive but it wasn't exactly butterflies in my stomach. He added me on Facebook the next day and we've been chatting since.

My problem is that most of my friends don't like him. Aside from the friend who's birthday it was, all of my closest friends (5 of them) either don't seem to like him at all and one of them thought he was nice enough but thats it. I met up with them the other night and when I mentioned that we'd been talking and I liked him literally all of their responses were negative. He is quite opinionated and I did see at the party that he rubbed a few people up the wrong way because he likes to be right and wasn't really seeing anyone else's point of view.

Basically I just need some advice, my problem is now, whenever I talk to the guy all I can think about is their negative opinions of him and them pointing out his faults. I know that nothing really has happened since but he does seem to like me and mentioned if I would like to meet up for a drink or coffee this weekend.

I'm also thinking about the fact that maybe I am just trying to like him, giving him a chance because I'm frustrated that I've never had a boyfriend by the age of 21.

Overall I just can't get it out of my head that a lot of people seem to dislike him (not only my best friends) and am wondering whether I should listen to them or not...

Sorry for the long and very rambly post but I would love some advice if anyone has any! Thanks.

Neyite

He is quite opinionated and I did see at the party that he rubbed a few people up the wrong way because he likes to be right and wasn't really seeing anyone else's point of view.

Consider this statement in the context of a relationship. Your potential relationship. In the early days it might be just about him not liking the restaurant or the pub you'd like to go to, or if you begin to hang out at home together, might dictate what movie you watch or what toppings on the Domino's. Small stuff. But the bottom line is that what you think is not important to him. When it gets to the big stuff in life, that could become a very big problem.

Your friends are seeing maybe someone who is inexperienced with dating, meet someone who will likely ride roughshod over any preferences or opinions she might have. They see someone who is obnoxious enough to offend several people he just met, because he needs to be right. And they love you and care about you and feel you could do better. And I think they are right.

It's no harm to give coffee or a drink with him a try if you like. Just keep an open mind - if you usually trust your friends' judgement and value their opinion pay attention to it but make your own mind up too.

giggle84

InTwoMinds wrote: »

I found him quite attractive but it wasn't exactly butterflies in my stomach.

I'm also thinking about the fact that maybe I am just trying to like him, giving him a chance because I'm frustrated that I've never had a boyfriend by the age of 21.

These lines of your post jumped out at me. Putting aside what your friends think for a second, it sounds like you're not even sure if you like this guy yourself!

I know you probably feel like there's something wrong with you that you haven't had a serious boyfriend at 21, but seriously, you're ONLY 21!!!! You have your whole life for that, it's not a race, and the absolutely worst thing you could do is go out with someone just so you can have a boyfriend. I think you know that so I'm just reaffirming it!

I actually think you're right to listen to your friend' opinions, but you could still meet him for a coffee if you want to make up your own mind, going on a date or even several dates isn't a commitment.

Ursus Horribilis

He sounds like a pain in the backside to be honest. There's nothing wrong with someone having opinions and having debates but if he's rubbing people up the wrong way at a party, you've got to wonder about what sort of person he is. I've come across people like this guy in my time and they're the sort of folk who wear out their welcomes pretty fast. There's sometimes a downtrodden other half trailing in their wake too I might add.

So what if you're 21 and haven't had a relationship? You've got plenty of time to meet someone nice. You're lucky to have a good bunch of friends who are looking out for you and are willing to warn you about a mistake they feel you're about to make.

Exclamation Marc

It sounds like a lot of hurdles already after only a couple of weeks. At 21, you want to keep your best friends close and not drift away from them. Whilst I don't think that blindly abiding by friends' opinions and views is the right way to go, if the majority of your best friends don't like him and it sounds like he's going to cause friction not only with them but the people he rubs up the wrong way, it might be a sign. To notice how much someone p!sses people off so early can be a good indicator of someone's personality. And you don't want a situation where you've a relationship with someone being completely separate from your life with your friends because they can't stand him.

I say this because if you'd said that you were head over heels about this guy and he was the nicest guy ever, I'd say screw your friends opinions, give it a chance, but given that you're 'trying to like him', 'its not exactly butterflies' etc, and there's nothing in your post that really indicates that he's a great guy or that you're really mad into him, so maybe just cut your losses.

You're 21, I've female friends who met their first proper BF at 26 or 27 and I've never seen them happier so don't be worrying about what age you have your first BF. Trust me, it's better waiting years for the right one than wasting years with the wrong ones.

Rekop dog

Go on a few dates with him and decide for yourself, obviously take your friends opinions on board and thread carefully but at the same time don't live your life letting others tell you what/who you should and shouldn't like.

nicki11

whatever about this specific guy, you can't let your friends decide who you date unless the person is wrong for you. This guy sounds nice enough and opinionated isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you dated for a while you'd find out whether it could be anything more but if your friends are in your head too much no guy will stand a chance. My friends started drifting away after I was dating my OH for a year and when I asked why they said "Your too mature" or "you didn't meet up with me this time or that time" and both examples were related to events with my OH (his Birthday and award ceremony) and they just wanted to go get pissed and wouldn't budge on the day dispite already having gone out with them during the week.

I found in my first year of college its a habit to live out of each others pockets but if your friends are being pissy because your world doesn't revolve around their schedule then its not worth it. I wasted another 2 years on their nonsense when they just resented me having someone else, the only times we were close was when they were in relationships or I was carrying them home from the pub or getting them through exams and deadlines. Sometimes "friends" can be needer then a bf and look what happened finished college and I only hear from them when they need something (I don't respond). If the guy is a jerk or abusive then they have a valid point but if they don;t just don't like him, you may need to dig deeper and find out why. I'm not saying to dump your friends (I still have alot of the more mature college friends) but there could be some work needed in that area. Find out why they don't like him (was he a jerk/abusive to them) and try and fix it if possible because the frineds you have now can last if they are "true" friends and just looking out for you and jealousy can be fixed by spending time with all of you.

zoobizoo

I think at that age, people just want to be with other people who don't rock the boat / have strong opinions which differ from the majority and voice them and maybe that was the reason he was rubbing people up that wrong way.

Presumably he was drinking and this can exacerbate discussions - or make a person more argumentative.

Go on a few dates and make your mind up.

Friends' opinions are important as long as they are coming from a good place like having your best interest at heart rather than "we don't like him as he is opinionated and upsets all the boys we like"

OnTheCouch

nicki11 wrote: »

whatever about this specific guy, you can't let your friends decide who you date unless the person is wrong for you. This guy sounds nice enough and opinionated isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you dated for a while you'd find out whether it could be anything more but if your friends are in your head too much no guy will stand a chance. My friends started drifting away after I was dating my OH for a year and when I asked why they said "Your too mature" or "you didn't meet up with me this time or that time" and both examples were related to events with my OH (his Birthday and award ceremony) and they just wanted to go get pissed and wouldn't budge on the day dispite already having gone out with them during the week.

I found in my first year of college its a habit to live out of each others pockets but if your friends are being pissy because your world doesn't revolve around their schedule then its not worth it. I wasted another 2 years on their nonsense when they just resented me having someone else, the only times we were close was when they were in relationships or I was carrying them home from the pub or getting them through exams and deadlines. Sometimes "friends" can be needer then a bf and look what happened finished college and I only hear from them when they need something (I don't respond). If the guy is a jerk or abusive then they have a valid point but if they don;t just don't like him, you may need to dig deeper and find out why. I'm not saying to dump your friends (I still have alot of the more mature college friends) but there could be some work needed in that area. Find out why they don't like him (was he a jerk/abusive to them) and try and fix it if possible because the frineds you have now can last if they are "true" friends and just looking out for you and jealousy can be fixed by spending time with all of you.

I think the above post is quite good. Without wanting to fall into lazy generalisations, a lot of people in your age group - both males and females, can focus more on having fun as a group and sometimes long-term partners can get in the way of this. As the mid-20s hit and people become more settled, the long-term partners become more prevalent and accepted, but at your age, it's possible (we don't know your friends after all) that they don't want to lose your company on mad nights out to a boyfriend, with whom you'd probably want to spend a good bit of your time with. They may essentially want you round the whole time and value your emotional support greatly. (Or perhaps for selfish reasons, but again this is hard to judge without knowing the individuals personally). It's possible they don't genuinely like him, but it's also possible he would get in the way of their fun and they don't know him that well at all. They simply might resent him for taking you away.

If he's opinionated, that can obviously be a good and a bad thing. Too much so and he's just pig-headed and can't admit he's wrong. If on the other hand he is happy putting forward his opinion and won't be a doormat, this would undeniably be a good thing in a relationship.

nicki11

OnTheCouch wrote: »

I think the above post is quite good. Without wanting to fall into lazy generalisations, a lot of people in your age group - both males and females, can focus more on having fun as a group and sometimes long-term partners can get in the way of this. As the mid-20s hit and people become more settled, the long-term partners become more prevalent and accepted, but at your age, it's possible (we don't know your friends after all) that they don't want to lose your company on mad nights out to a boyfriend, with whom you'd probably want to spend a good bit of your time with. They may essentially want you round the whole time and value your emotional support greatly. (Or perhaps for selfish reasons, but again this is hard to judge without knowing the individuals personally). It's possible they don't genuinely like him, but it's also possible he would get in the way of their fun and they don't know him that well at all. They simply might resent him for taking you away.

Yeah thats exactly what happened, I'm still friends with those who just missed me and after I included them more and brought my bf along to parties and stuff they became friends with him. Now we all hang out together because we have to remember our friends and OH's like to feel included and once you realise this things get easier.

Plus close friends and bfs tend to have similar interests because that's part of the reason you like them (game of thrones) its just a matter of finding the things you all like to do and you can do girly stuff with them (watch movies or shows, home spa day) and couple stuff with your bf (romantic nights out for dinner or movies).

You can give them advice, they can give you advice, thats what friends are for; there when you need them or just for a cup of tea and a chat. Those tend to be the friendships and relationships that last too (stuff in common and good in the good times and bad).