Bullying in the Work Place?

nocheerleader

Hi All

I'm looking for some unbiased advice on my current situation in work.

So, I am on a team of 3 and while we are all equal the work flow ends with me as I have final sign off on weekly reports and sign off responsibility at month end.

I have a massive back story but it's totally TL;DR material.

Briefly: the 2 other team members have personal and professional issues with each other - one female and one male. For 2.5 years I have remained professional while stuck in the middle of their dispute. An informal complaint has been made by the female about the male.

During these 2.5 years neither party has had issue with me, I have gotten along with both mainly on a professional level but also to a lesser degree on a social level.

Note that I chose to each lunch at home every day for the 2.5 years as it was close by, cheaper and convenient.

Jump forward to us working almost 3 years as a team. Our office relocates and i can't return home for lunch anymore. The female colleague invites me to lunch in our canteen, I accept. It becomes a daily thing.

I notice the relationship with the male colleague begin to go down hill. I am nervous to approach him about it so I mention my concerns to my manager.

Some time passes and I start noting incidents that happen in the office as I am getting stressed out by the male colleagues behavior toward me.

I note them as follows, with multiple examples to back up each point:

- being treated less favorably than surrounding colleagues
- intimidation
- purposefully excluding me / ignoring me
- humiliation and public criticism
- undermining behavior
- withholding work related files/data

During this period I am seeing the GP who has referred me to a specialist for stress related IBS and I am in the process of being referred by my dentist for stress related TMJ.

His behavior is having a big impact on my health.

Question 1: is that on me? Can I take my health concerns to my manager or does that make me seem weak and sensitive?

I am worried because I don't want her to think I can't cope. She has said to me along the lines of "Oh that's just his way, he has been rude to me once or twice", however I have to sit by him and try to work with him 40 hours per week. She is away from her desk at meetings up to 75% of the day. He is like that with me 100% of the time now, it's a very difficult and unpleasant environment to be in.

So jump forward again and there is an informal meeting between me, the male colleague and my manager to address my issues and the examples I have to back them up. In the meeting he admits that he has purposefully taken the step to ignore me and have minimum interaction with me as he believes I am now in cahoots with the female colleague that I am eating lunch with. He states that he believes we talk about him, although he has nothing to back this up. I have never discussed the man, nor do I want to, I have no intention in getting involved in their dispute, it's been ongoing for nearly 3 years and I've stayed well clear.

He gets quite loud and forceful in the meeting and upsets me with his remarks. I have never cried in a work environment before and I was highly embarrassed to on this occasion. He wouldn't let me speak so the manager stepped in. She told him she thinks he is being a little unfair considering my 3 year history of staying out of their dispute and the fact that I have been accomadating considering the awkward position I have been in for almost 3 years stuck between the 2 other team members.

End of meeting he agrees to try move forward and be more respectful. He makes it clear that this is only on a professional level as he doesn't want anything to do with me socially. This is the best I could hope for and I was happy at this stage. My IBS began to ease off and the jaw stiffness disappeared with a matter of days.

A couple of months passed, and although the interaction and effort seemed to come from my side I was happier that at least I could do my work without having to worry. I reported same back to my manager.

After 8/9 weeks things started to decline again. I couldn't believe it but started noting things again. My manager then went on a weeks annual leave and he was back to his old intimidating, humiliating ways also holding back work reports again to delay my deadlines.

The IBS is back and I am just feeling miserable, he did one more thing and it just pushed me over the edge. It's horrible when a work colleague has you doubting your own sanity.

Approached the manager again, told her about his behavior on her week off, this time she wasn't as open to listen, she claimed I am being a bit harsh on the male colleague and said "well what to do want me to do now". I got upset because I was going to her, my manager for help, I have examples to back things up, my health is suffering, I followed the procedure in our staff handbook.

She went on with the "well what to do want me to do now" attitude and when I said that I am the second person (that I know of) in the office to make a complaint about the man and I am the second person he has reduced to tears and I have being medically certified off work due to stress related illness surely there must be a process in place to reprimand him/issue a formal warning.

She said that she can't make the man like me - understood and not what I am asking for. She said she doesn't see him behaving like that - of course she doesn't, the nature of his intimidation is sly and underhanded and he never does it when management are around.

Question 2: do my points above constitute bullying? I am really questioning myself as I realise this is a massive allegation if I were to make it more formal.

I don't want to be in this position, I have stated that I would shake hands with the man and move on if we could but he isn't willing to do that.

I also understand that my manager has to be fair and hear both sides of the story but I don't know how to explain to her that it is unlikely that she will ever witness the intimidation I am suffering from him as the nature of it is to conceal it and undermine me while coming across as a happy go lucky colleague to overs around him.

LegacyUser

This persons behaviour is definitely bullying you and your manager is not dealing with it very well.

You mention a staff handbook so is there a procedure in that on how the company deals with bullying? If the manager is not following this, do you have a H.R. department you can go to, or if not a more senior manager?

nocheerleader

dddddddddd wrote: »

This persons behaviour is definitely bullying you and your manager is not dealing with it very well.

You mention a staff handbook so is there a procedure in that on how the company deals with bullying? If the manager is not following this, do you have a H.R. department you can go to, or if not a more senior manager?

Yes I've been reading the handbook and I've followed the procedure to the letter so far. I don't won't anything to go against me. I've done everything asked of me so far ...everything my manager has asked of me.

I don't want to go over my managers head however I know that may be my only choice if I want to continue working there.

Thanks for the feedback

emeldc

It doesn't sound like you are going to get much more help or sympathy from your manager who sounds a little spineless when push comes to shove. You don't want to be seen as a whinger either so I would park that one just for the moment.
It would be helpful for you if you knew someone in a staff management position in another company who might be able to advise you on how to deal with your colleague himself. He obviously has an inferiority complex and is paranoid that everyone is talking about him. He will also have weaknesses that you will need to exploit. You and the other female could ask him to join you for lunch. He wont of course but it will completely unsettle him. He'll definitely think you're talking about him that day! He also wont be able to say that you're trying to exclude him. If he's late with his reports etc, then let him. How can you be blamed for missing deadlines if he's the one holding up the progress. Throw him plenty of rope, let him hang himself. I would wind him up to the last. He will eventually fcuk up and make a holy show of himself. You need to get the upper hand, to be more assertive and cleverer about how you are dealing with this although I know it's easier said than done. I'm not having a go at you but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. Best of luck.