I'm at loss! What do I do?

vandamiss

Panrich wrote: »

Am I reading this correctly?

She lives one hour from his work.
Your house is one hour from his work.

He texted her saying that he heard she lives close to his work.

She lives in close proximity but I think it's less than 1 hour from his work. I don't know exactly where she lives. But our house is definitely 1 hour from his job.

Yes. I asked him where did he get this info. Told me he got it from his sister who is friends with the girl but is in no way in participation of this, I'm sure of that.

vandamiss

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

It sounds to me that his defense mechanism is shutting down and refusing to talk about it. This way he doesn't have to admit anything, or give you the time of day to help you understand what is going on or put your mind at ease. It's a handy technique because it puts the ball in your court regarding the decision making. I believe that's the reason for the odd texts and the way they were worded. As he sees it, he chanced his arm and it didn't work out, but he thinks he didn't incriminate himself with the wording.

Think about for a second if she had of said yes. She said she'll be alone (like hint hint) and he said I won't tell anyone. So im guessing he wouldn't have told you. If she agreed, how long would it have gone on for? And in his mind, spending two hours every work day with a woman who 'has a crush on him' (or so he thinks) whom you 'aren't that close to' sounds like a handy little number.

Trust me, if this guy could put your mind at ease he would do everything in his power to do so. But he's not, he's manipulating you further...the only thing he knows how to do it seems. Want my advice, do the opposite of what he says. Leave, let him move out...move back in if you can afford it. Or go do something you've always wanted to do in your life. Because yes, you've had a lucky escape due to this woman's honesty.

You're right. Have asked him what if she said yes, would he come over?... he said yes! Will you not tell me anything you're meeting her in private just in case? He said no! Why I asked? Because I know, you wouldn't like it, you'll get mad and hysterical - he said. I asked why would you go? Why not? I'm just gonna kill time at her place. Nothing wrong with that. There.

I'm contemplating about moving out. Didn't go home once again last night. I don't even understand myself why I couldn't let him go...

Penny Tration

vandamiss wrote: »

You're right. Have asked him what if she said yes, would he come over?... he said yes! Will you not tell me anything you're meeting her in private just in case? He said no! Why I asked? Because I know, you wouldn't like it, you'll get mad and hysterical - he said. I asked why would you go? Why not? I'm just gonna kill time at her place. Nothing wrong with that. There.

I'm contemplating about moving out. Didn't go home once again last night. I don't even understand myself why I couldn't let him go...

I've been following this thread, and firstly I'm so sorry you've been put in this situation. You sound like a lovely lady who's being walked all over.

The thing is, you've done all the right things! You tried to discuss it, you tried to have some space, you tried to seek guidance from your pastors. You've put more effort into saving your marriage than a lot of people would, if I'm honest.

The problem here is that your husband doesn't give a damn. He wont tell you anything. He insists he's innocent, but wont tell you what's going on. How can you believe he's innocent when he's already hidden things from you and refuses to talk?

The bit that really stuck out to me is him saying married people don't take space away, they sit and talk. Married people shouldn't betray their partner either! He has NO moral high ground, and he's trying to manipulate you to make him the victim. I hope you can see this.

Then he says that if you leave, your marriage is over? Does that sound like a man feeling guilty and wanting to fix his marriage? What it sounds like is a man trying to put the blame on you so that he can tell everyone he's a victim and that you broke up the marriage.

Unless he tells you the truth, and treats you with respect, your marriage is over.

I'm sorry vandamiss.

bee06

vandamiss wrote: »

You're right. Have asked him what if she said yes, would he come over?... he said yes! Will you not tell me anything you're meeting her in private just in case? He said no! Why I asked? Because I know, you wouldn't like it, you'll get mad and hysterical - he said. I asked why would you go? Why not? I'm just gonna kill time at her place. Nothing wrong with that. There.

I'm contemplating about moving out. Didn't go home once again last night. I don't even understand myself why I couldn't let him go...

OP I've also been following this thread and your last post really stood out to me. He told you straight out he would go if she said yes and wouldn't tell you. And he wouldn't tell you because he knew it was wrong but he would have done it anyway! For all his moralising about what a marriage is and what you should do he still hasn't figured out that in a marriage you don't lie to your spouse and do things you know they wouldn't be comfortable with.

And you can't let him go because you love him but unfortunately it doesn't sound like he deserves your love anymore.