Would you date someone who was overweight ?

eviltwin

anvilfour wrote: »

Believe it or not it's possible to be in love with someone who doesn't look like a supermodel. Ask any elderly couple... My grandmother confided in me that prostate issues prevented my grand-dad being intimate with her the last 15 years of his life but they still loved each other very much.

They have a lifetime and years of a solid foundation to fall back on. Even then a lot of relationships break up. You're starting off marriage saying you're not attracted to your girlfriend. You're assuming she's going to lose weight because a doctor has told her too. That might not happen, she might lose it only to put it all back on. You have a lot going for you but long term if you don't find her sexually attractive you're both settling for second best.

Dial Hard

anvilfour wrote:

Believe it or not it's possible to be in love with someone who doesn't look like a supermodel. Ask any elderly couple... My grandmother confided in me that prostate issues prevented my grand-dad being intimate with her the last 15 years of his life but they still loved each other very much.

You keep making analogies that don't match. These couples are coming from a base of sexual attraction. You never had that to begin with.

anvilfour

One eyed Jack wrote: »

It genuinely sounds like you're both settling for something you don't really want, and hoping you'll get it eventually, somehow...

It's not a question of somehow. How is :

- Jogging three times a week (thanks to the NHS Couch to 5K Program).
- Slimming milkshakes
- Cutting out sweets and chocolates.

This isn't pie and the sky and my girlfriend (I should say fiancee) had resolved to do this before we even met. I'm helping her as I want to lose weight too.

I don't think I am entitled to sex automatically and neither does she, we're just giving it time.

anvilfour

Dial Hard wrote: »

You keep making analogies that don't match. These couples are coming from a base of sexual attraction. You never had that to begin with.

I don't think this is a false analogy. A 75 year old husband and his 70 year old wife might say that even subjectively they don't feel attracted to their partner's bodies any more but they are still in love.

Mister Vain

Penny Tration wrote: »

The condescending use of 'sweetheart' is just childish, please stop.

Ahh now, is it anymore condescending that this?

Penny Tration wrote: »

No wonder she's insecure. "I like your personality, but I'll fcuk you when you're thin."

Jesus the poor girl deserves better.

seachto7

OP, what about if they were underweight?

zeffabelli

anvilfour wrote: »

I don't think this is a false analogy. A 75 year old husband and his 70 year old wife might say that even subjectively they don't feel attracted to their partner's bodies any more but they are still in love.

Sorry to disabuse you but plenty of the elderly are still at it.

meeeeh

ThinkProgress wrote: »

A fat person who tries and fails or doesn't try at all to lose weight - is lazy and unmotivated in my book. (particularly an intelligent one)

Only a tiny % of the population has a genuine medical reason for their blubber... (that's if you even believe such medical conditions are real - the science is certainly not completely conclusive). Everyone else is just lazy and/or unmotivated.

Regarding everything else you mentioned - EXCUSES!

I think I might value the drive and work in professional life a bit more than you do. There are different kinds of laziness or work ethic.

Tbh I find your your reasoning a bit tedious, but then again I did list my preferences.

anvilfour

zeffabelli wrote: »

Here is how it usually works.

Your body responds to the person you care for. Your body can't help it. This is the distinction between platonic and adult relationships.

Sometimes your body will respond to images and people you don't give a **** about. That doesn't make it romantic or adult necessarily, but a purely biological response.

No point comparing yourselves to the elderly. First of all alot of the elderly are still at it. Secondly, their biology is different to humans still of reproductive value.

If your body is not responding to her, you have a platonic thing going on and no weight loss will change that because its about more than visuals, theres psychology, scent... dynamic etc.

I think my girlfriend is beautiful in many ways. She has a beautiful face and very generous in the chest department (I have accepted these can and will go down as we slim!)

I also have become more attracted to her as we have lost weight, I won't deny it is a cause of tension but one that is disappearing.

So to answer the question about dating someone who is overweight posed originally the answer for me is Yes - you can always slim!

Penny Tration

Mister Vain wrote: »

Ahh now, is it anymore condescending that this?

It's the truth, just phrased in a way that's not very nice.

MistyCheese

Pennys post was certainly not condescending. It was very direct.

anvilfour

zeffabelli wrote: »

Sorry to disabuse you but plenty of the elderly are still at it.

Did you see where I said the word "might"? I am happy to discuss this with you but please read the posts before commenting.

ThinkProgress

Penny Tration wrote: »

She certainly does deserve better. No person on this earth should have to deal with a partner who gets with them but doesn't actually fancy them. It's beyond unfair.

I'll stick with my restoration analogy because I think it's a good way of looking at this.

If someone buys an old classic car which is really in a bad state, but it's their favorite car of all time.... It needs a lot of work, but they're committed and determined to restore it.

Eventually (with a lot of hard work and patience), they return it to it's beautiful potential. Most people would say, "wow that guy really loves that car... look at all the time and effort he put into restoring it"

I think it's not impossible that someone could see that same potential in a human being... and want to put the time and effort into helping them discover their true potential and beauty!

It's a human restoration project!

Dial Hard

anvilfour wrote:

This isn't pie and the sky and my girlfriend (I should say fiancee) had resolved to do this before we even met. I'm helping her as I want to lose weight too.

Honest, genuine question here, Anvilfour - what will you do if she can't/won't/doesn't lose the weight? Or loses it but puts it all back on?

How long have you been together, if you don't mind me asking?

anvilfour

Penny Tration wrote: »

It's the truth, just phrased in a way that's not very nice.

Sweetheart, do you remember that episode of the Simpsons where Marge complains that she's less attracted to Homer physically after he qualifies as obese through overeating?

She makes the point that she'd love him if he weighed 300 pounds. It's just there's desire there carnally.

Of course it's a fictional show but full of many poignant truths...

Mister Vain

Penny Tration wrote: »

It's the truth, just phrased in a way that's not very nice.

Was that really necessary? You're attacking him. If he's happy then let him at it.

anvilfour

Dial Hard wrote: »

Honest, genuine question here, Anvilfour - what will you do if she can't/won't/doesn't lose the weight? Or loses it but puts it all back on?

How long have you been together, if you don't mind me asking?

Hi Dial Hard,

To answer your question I know she is determined to lose weight but I would not leave her if she didn't or was unable to e.g due to illness.

We have been together almost two years now. Cards on the table, it is an issue for us but we have decided against seeing a counselor as ultimately it's a practical problem with a practical solution.

There are people who will say that years from now once she is slimmer she may look back and be unhappy that I didn't want her as badly when she's far but that's kind of the point, it will be a bad memory nothing more.

eviltwin

anvilfour wrote: »

Sweetheart, do you remember that episode of the Simpsons where Marge complains that she's less attracted to Homer physically after he qualifies as obese through overeating?

She makes the point that she'd love him if he weighed 300 pounds. It's just there's desire there carnally.

Of course it's a fictional show but full of many poignant truths...

I think you're under estimating the importance of sexual attraction in a relationship.

Dial Hard

ThinkProgress wrote:

It's a human restoration project!

That's an incredibly patronising way to think of your partner.

"Oh she's a fixer-upper. Be grand once she's finished."

anvilfour

Mister Vain wrote: »

Was that really necessary? You're attacking him. If he's happy then let him at it.

Thanks Mister Vain - I think what upset me was the implication that my girlfriend is suffering overall. Of course it's a source of upset, but then can anyone here say they have a perfect relationship? The solution is in sight, we're both heading for it, I'm jogging with her - is it really better to end your whole relationship with someone you love over a temporary problem?

eviltwin

anvilfour wrote: »

Hi Dial Hard,

To answer your question I know she is determined to lose weight but I would not leave her if she didn't or was unable to e.g due to illness.

We have been together almost two years now. Cards on the table, it is an issue for us but we have decided against seeing a counselor as ultimately it's a practical problem with a practical solution.

There are people who will say that years from now once she is slimmer she may look back and be unhappy that I didn't want her as badly when she's far but that's kind of the point, it will be a bad memory nothing more.

Assuming she does lose the weight....I think you're crazy even to contemplate marrying her when you don't find her attractive. At the very least go see a counsellor and talk it through.

KERSPLAT!

anvilfour wrote: »

Sweetheart, do you remember that episode of the Simpsons where Marge complains that she's less attracted to Homer physically after he qualifies as obese through overeating?

She makes the point that she'd love him if he weighed 300 pounds. It's just there's desire there carnally.

Of course it's a fictional show but full of many poignant truths...

Mod

Give over the sweetheart crap.

Please remember the general rule, attack the post and not the poster, cheers.

Penny Tration

Mister Vain wrote: »

Was that really necessary? You're attacking him. If he's happy then let him at it.

I'm attacking his views. Not him as a person. If you believe I'm attacking him, please report my post because attacking the poster rather than the view or post is a breach of the rules.

IvyTheTerrible

anvilfour wrote: »

Sweetheart, do you remember that episode of the Simpsons where Marge complains that she's less attracted to Homer physically after he qualifies as obese through overeating?

She makes the point that she'd love him if he weighed 300 pounds. It's just there's desire there carnally.

Of course it's a fictional show but full of many poignant truths...

Why do you keep calling Penny "Sweetheart"? It's incredibly patronising.

anvilfour

Dial Hard wrote: »

That's an incredibly patronising way to think of your partner.

"Oh she's a fixer-upper. Be grand once she's finished."

Funny you say that, when my gf saw my hideous fashion sense e.g bright blue hiking boots which I wore EVERYWHERE she mused that I was a fixer upper and bought me new clothes, threw out the old ones. I didn't feel patronised, just very grateful!

zeffabelli

Dial Hard wrote: »

That's an incredibly patronising way to think of your partner.

"Oh she's a fixer-upper. Be grand once she's finished."

One careful owner.

anvilfour

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

Why do you keep calling Penny "Sweetheart"? It's incredibly patronising.

Are you feeling left out sweetheart? Sorry I am chatting to a few people here and don't have time for everyone!

anvilfour

Penny Tration wrote: »

I'm attacking his views. Not him as a person. If you believe I'm attacking him, please report my post because attacking the poster rather than the view or post is a breach of the rules.

Thanks sweetheart, I won't need to run to the Moderator's apron strings, I can handle someone disagreeing with me. Wish I could say the reverse was always true on here... :-D

ThinkProgress

meeeeh wrote: »

I think I might value the drive and work in professional life a bit more than you do. There are different kinds of laziness or work ethic.

Tbh I find your your reasoning a bit tedious, but then again I did list my preferences.

Again, why not shoot for both?

There is every possibility that your OH is sitting on vast untapped potential within themselves. Their physical state is not separate to their intelligence and success in their professional life.

We all have weaknesses. Many people still manage to achieve things in this life despite those disadvantages. But they are NOT achieving their true potential.

Schwiiing

zeffabelli wrote: »

One careful owner.

Some rear end damage.

One eyed Jack

anvilfour wrote: »

Sweetheart, do you remember that episode of the Simpsons where Marge complains that she's less attracted to Homer physically after he qualifies as obese through overeating?

She makes the point that she'd love him if he weighed 300 pounds. It's just there's desire there carnally.

Of course it's a fictional show but full of many poignant truths...

You should've stopped there really.

I've read your last few posts in between the one I replied to, and this one I'm replying to now, and the whole "I buy her 'stuff'", "We're doing this, that and the other", "I love her and she loves me", etc.

I think at this point all you're going to end up with is -

"Of course I love you, sure don't I buy you chips!"

And your comparisons to the elderly who have decades of a solid marriage behind them, and your relationship is hitting the skids before you're even married?

I'd like to be able to take the whole scenario seriously, but I've seen what happens when a couple tries to rationalise and tell themselves it'll all work out in the end. It actually doesn't, and they both end up miserable, but will stay together just for the sake of appearances.

superelliptic

arayess wrote: »

ITs more naive too , many a friend was seeing a fit healthy girl who coupled with kids and more maturing age increased their frame significantly.
What's he going to do ? walk out on his kids cos "your ma is fat"
:rolleyes:

Some posters here are liars or young folk with no experience of the **** they preach about.

But wouldn't having kids also count as a 'valid health reason' for putting on a bit of weight?

Dial Hard

superelliptic wrote:

But wouldn't having kids also count as a 'valid health reason' for putting on a bit of weight?

No. There's no medical reason for anyone to keep weight on after having children.

bee06

Personally I've never been attracted to overweight men and never dated one. However, if my husband were to gain weight then that's a different matter. I wouldn't be saying right honey, you're a bit of a chunky monkey now so I'm off. Hopefully the same would go the other way around. Not sure it's something we'll have to worry about though.

Mister Vain

zeffabelli wrote: »

One careful owner.

Or one careful boner?

meeeeh

ThinkProgress wrote: »

Again, why not shoot for both?

There is every possibility that your OH is sitting on vast untapped potential within themselves. Their physical state is not separate to their intelligence and success in their professional life.

We all have weaknesses. Many people still manage to achieve things in this life despite those disadvantages. But they are NOT achieving their true potential.

Because I like my partner. Is it that hard to understand that?

Do I go to my partner of eleven years who I love, admire and respect and say some idiot on internet thinks you are too fat to be in a relationship so I am breaking up with you. Oh an from now on I am going to date only George Clooney type?

anvilfour

I won't bore you all telling you how precious my girlfriend is to me, no doubt you all have loved ones who are important to you for their own reasons.

I would hope that it's easy enough to agree that it's possible to be physically attracted to someone without being in love with them.

It's also possible for two people who are in love to stop being intimate sexually but still love and care for one another - all respect to any geriatrics out there who are still at it, that said!

I completely understand that people will find it hard to see how you could fall in love with someone without wanting to jump their bones every time they walk into a room. Suffice it to say that this is what has happened.

Speaking for myself I was quite happy to maintain the status quo but when I was honest with my gf about her feelings she was naturally hurt and upset for a time but a physical relationship was important to her and she informed as I mentioned earlier she had resolved to shed a large amount of weight anyway, due to some tests she had done by the Doctor before the subject came up.

I am also losing weight as I have taken a more sedentary job. I don't think I'll be a male Adonis once at target weight but certainly don't think my pot belly is attractive as is!

anvilfour

One eyed Jack wrote: »

You should've stopped there really.

I've read your last few posts in between the one I replied to, and this one I'm replying to now, and the whole "I buy her 'stuff'", "We're doing this, that and the other", "I love her and she loves me", etc.

I think at this point all you're going to end up with is -

"Of course I love you, sure don't I buy you chips!"

And your comparisons to the elderly who have decades of a solid marriage behind them, and your relationship is hitting the skids before you're even married?

I'd like to be able to take the whole scenario seriously, but I've seen what happens when a couple tries to rationalise and tell themselves it'll all work out in the end. It actually doesn't, and they both end up miserable, but will stay together just for the sake of appearances.

Would you take a wager? I say we'll be together ten, twenty years from now.

I'll even stake my current savings on it.

Three grand, bank account of your choice if we're not still together ten years from now.

Anyone?

anvilfour

bee06 wrote: »

Personally I've never been attracted to overweight men and never dated one. However, if my husband were to gain weight then that's a different matter. I wouldn't be saying right honey, you're a bit of a chunky monkey now so I'm off. Hopefully the same would go the other way around. Not sure it's something we'll have to worry about though.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts bee.

Out of interest if your husband did become overweight would you ask him to diet with you or get some exercise?

eviltwin

anvilfour wrote: »

Would you take a wager? I say we'll be together ten, twenty years from now.

I'll even stake my current savings on it.

Three grand, bank account of your choice if we're not still together ten years from now.

Anyone?

You might be together but will you be happy?

Barely There

Wouldn't be attracted to someone's who's very overweight/obese.

I can't understand how some people allow themselves to get like that, shows a real lack of self-respect and that's not a trait I'd find attractive.

anvilfour

eviltwin wrote: »

You might be together but will you be happy?

Much harder to measure? But then again what guarantee do you have that a couple who have sex regularly are happy? I can only talk about right now, I feel closer to my fiancee than anyone I've been with before, she says the same of me... how do you measure your degree of love for someone?

zeffabelli

Mister Vain wrote: »

Or one careful boner?

One careful loner?

Wibbs

Dial Hard wrote: »

No. There's no medical reason for anyone to keep weight on after having children.

There can be. In some women hormonals don't go back to pre pregnancy levels where the body is cued to add some weight/increase appetite and again insulin can be an issue. Pregnancy itself can cause diabetes. That's before we get to the basic day to day stuff of looking after newborns, missed meals, eating easy to make meals(usually bad for weight gain), stress etc. Never mind physical stresses on a body during pregnancy and after birth. It's a pretty traumatic physical event. If someone needs a caesarean then stomach crunches are off the radar for a very long time. Hell getting around can be bloody tough for weeks after such a procedure.

I seem to recall reading that some research found some women were more prone to weight gain during and after pregnancy. If a woman gained weight while on the contraceptive pill(which kinda mimics pregnancy) it was pretty much a sure bet she would gain during and after a pregnancy. Do a straw poll of women and see how many gain weight on the pill. It's a very common side effect of it.

What population you belong to can affect it too. EG Certain populations of sub Saharan women pile on weight with pregnancy and tend to be heavier anyway(and suffer more from diabetes, both type 1 and 2). The population of same in the US are larger than those of European ancestry, who are larger than the Asian ancestry folks.

anvilfour

One eyed Jack wrote: »

You should've stopped there really.

I've read your last few posts in between the one I replied to, and this one I'm replying to now, and the whole "I buy her 'stuff'", "We're doing this, that and the other", "I love her and she loves me", etc.

I think at this point all you're going to end up with is -

"Of course I love you, sure don't I buy you chips!"

And your comparisons to the elderly who have decades of a solid marriage behind them, and your relationship is hitting the skids before you're even married?

I'd like to be able to take the whole scenario seriously, but I've seen what happens when a couple tries to rationalise and tell themselves it'll all work out in the end. It actually doesn't, and they both end up miserable, but will stay together just for the sake of appearances.

Well I do a bit more than buy her chips... if this were just a passing fancy we would hardly have got engaged and I would hardly have agreed to finance her education and start saving for the future with her.

Of course there's no guarantee everything will go perfect but at the moment we are very much in love and working through this issue together. Breaking up would be very upsetting for us both and neither of us want that.

As for elderly people, I think it's true they have years of happy marriage behind them but that only reinforces the point I made. If sex is removed they don't automatically fall out of love with each other.

ThinkProgress

meeeeh wrote: »

Because I like my partner. Is it that hard to understand that?

Do I go to my partner of eleven years who I love, admire and respect and say some idiot on internet thinks you are too fat to be in a relationship so I am breaking up with you. Oh an from now on I am going to date only George Clooney type?

I think you're deluding yourself into believing physical attractiveness isn't important. But carry on, it's not my problem.

I don't disagree with you that intelligence and personality are important factors... but it is possible to have beauty AND brains. And only deluded people try to convince themselves that physical beauty doesn't matter to them.

We are visual creatures. (frustratingly tedious I know, but that's our reality)

purplecow1977

Isn't it great that we're all so different and like and dislike different things?
I'm so glad we're not all the same!
There's somebody out there for all of us!

eviltwin

anvilfour wrote: »

Much harder to measure? But then again what guarantee do you have that a couple who have sex regularly are happy? I can only talk about right now, I feel closer to my fiancee than anyone I've been with before, she says the same of me... how do you measure your degree of love for someone?

You can't guarantee anything with a relationship but it makes sense to safeguard things as much as you can by making sure you don't commit to marriage until you're satisfied that all aspects of your relationship is healthy. It's what will help you over the inevitable humps along the way. Personally I've always taken refuge in my sex life, it's helped us deal with death, illness, debt etc. If that wasn't there I don't know how we'd have coped, we'd have survived I expect but we'd be a lot more damaged.

anvilfour

ThinkProgress wrote: »

I think you're deluding yourself into believing physical attractiveness isn't important. But carry on, it's not my problem.

I don't disagree with you that intelligence and personality are important factors... but it is possible to have beauty AND brains. And only deluded people try to convince themselves that physical beauty doesn't matter to them.

We are visual creatures. (frustratingly tedious I know, but that's our reality)

Who was it who said that men fall in love from what they see with their eyes and women fall in love based on what they hear?

I do agree physical attractiveness is important but in the context of a relationship that's going to last the rest of our lives we're happy to wait a little.

Cold War Kid

ThinkProgress wrote: »

I think you're deluding yourself into believing physical attractiveness isn't important. But carry on, it's not my problem.

I don't disagree with you that intelligence and personality are important factors... but it is possible to have beauty AND brains. And only deluded people try to convince themselves that physical beauty doesn't matter to them.

We are visual creatures. (frustratingly tedious I know, but that's our reality)

I don't think anyone thinks physical attraction isn't important in a relationship/when looking for a partner; they just don't have to be stunningly beautiful is all.