Would you date someone who was overweight ?

One eyed Jack

eviltwin wrote: »

You might be together but will you be happy?

Great minds eviltwin, I was just about to post the very same thing!

Dammit, you're married already and all though


*snaps elbow* :pac:


Tbh anvil I think you probably will be together, and you both probably will be happy with each other, because you'll both have given everything so much 'time', that eventually time will run out, and you'll turn to each other and think "well, at least we were happy all those decades of marriage, right?"


I can't tell the future, but current behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour, and it sounds like both of you make each other happy, for all the wrong reasons IMO, but still, you make each other happy, and that's the most important thing, and if you keep telling yourself that, eventually you'll start to really believe it.

Mister Vain

Cold War Kid wrote: »

I don't think anyone thinks physical attraction isn't important in a relationship/when looking for a partner; they just don't have to be stunningly beautiful is all.

Exactly. As long as they're not unattractive.

Dial Hard

I've been on the Pill for 17 years. Never put on any weight because of it.

According to my doctor it's that some pills can increase appetite in some women. Not that the pill itself causes weight gain. A small distinction, you might say, but a true one.

anvilfour

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Great minds eviltwin, I was just about to post the very same thing!

Dammit, you're married already and all though


*snaps elbow* :pac:


Tbh anvil I think you probably will be together, and you both probably will be happy with each other, because you'll both have given everything so much 'time', that eventually time will run out, and you'll turn to each other and think "well, at least we were happy all those decades of marriage, right?"


I can't tell the future, but current behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour, and it sounds like both of you make each other happy, for all the wrong reasons IMO, but still, you make each other happy, and that's the most important thing, and if you keep telling yourself that, eventually you'll start to really believe it.

Interesting, so my partner and I's happiness isn't as valid because you don't really believe we're happy?

It's just hard for me to understand where you're coming from, you admit that we're happy but then seem to suggest we aren't?

purplecow1977

Dial Hard wrote: »

I've been on the Pill for 17 years. Never put on any weight because of it.

According to my doctor it's that some pills can increase appetite in some women. Not the pill itself causes weight gain. A small distinction, you might say, but a true one.

The information leaflet that accompanies the pill is misleading then.
It specifies one of the side effects could be weight gain.
Why not list it as an increased appetite?
Anyway, maybe you have just been lucky to have found a pill that agrees with you.
I don't believe my pill makes me gain weight (I've pretty much always been the same weight) yet I am overweight.
My lack of exercise is the reason I'm overweight, and sometimes indulging in food that isn't good for me! But I am relatively healthy (for now anyway) and I find losing weight really really difficult. I have zero willpower. I don't think anyone who is overweight actually wants to be that way, so please don't judge. Not saying this to you specifically, just a general thought. Judging people is a horrible trait to have.

purplecow1977

anvilfour wrote: »

Interesting, so my partner and I's happiness isn't as valid because you don't really believe we're happy?

It's just hard for me to understand where you're coming from, you admit that we're happy but then seem to suggest we aren't?

I guess you mentioned you were going for counselling so this in general usually means one or more of the persons aren't entirely happy.

Would this be wrong?

eviltwin

anvilfour wrote: »

Interesting, so my partner and I's happiness isn't as valid because you don't really believe we're happy?

It's just hard for me to understand where you're coming from, you admit that we're happy but then seem to suggest we aren't?

You might very well be happy but think how much happier you'd both be if you could add a satisfying sex life to your strengths as a couple.

Mister Vain

anvilfour wrote: »

I'm paying for her to go through college.

Would it not have been a better idea to pay for weight loss surgery?

anvilfour

eviltwin wrote: »

You might very well be happy but think how much happier you'd both be if you could add a satisfying sex life to your strengths as a couple.

That's the plan eviltwin, this time next year we both hope to be at our target weight and satisfied, patience is a virtue!

bee06

anvilfour wrote: »

Thanks for sharing your thoughts bee.

Out of interest if your husband did become overweight would you ask him to diet with you or get some exercise?

Hmm, I don't know to be honest because I just can't imagine it happening. I don't diet and I can't really afford to start so I wouldn't be doing it with him anyway. If he did but on weight chances are he would have stopped playing sport so he'd just need to start again.

anvilfour

Mister Vain wrote: »

Would it not have been a better idea to pay for weight loss surgery?

Am sure you'll agree education is more important!

anvilfour

purplecow1977 wrote: »

I guess you mentioned you were going for counselling so this in general usually means one or more of the persons aren't entirely happy.

Would this be wrong?

Hi purplecow,

We discussed counselling because at first I didn't want to admit the reason for the lack of intimacy. Once it was out on the open we realised a Counselor can't help you slim down, so decided to exercise together instead... in a clean way!

anvilfour

bee06 wrote: »

Hmm, I don't know to be honest because I just can't imagine it happening. I don't diet and I can't really afford to start so I wouldn't be doing it with him anyway. If he did but on weight chances are he would have stopped playing sport so he'd just need to start again.

Thanks once again for sharing your thoughts bee, you mentioned before you wouldn't end your relationship but what if your husband's weight was so large it was threatening his health - would you try to persuade him to diet and exercise then for his own sake?

meeeeh

ThinkProgress wrote: »

I think you're deluding yourself into believing physical attractiveness isn't important. But carry on, it's not my problem.

As it happens my partner has the little devils dancing in his eyes which I find incredibly attractive. It's a thing some people have and you know you won't be bored around them. Another of my male friends has it but we wouldn't be each other's type on so many other levels. Looks wise I am an eyes and face person. You find it hard to understand that not everyone is attracted to what you are attracted and that they have to be miserable and deluded in some way because everyone should operate like you. We don't.

purplecow1977

anvilfour wrote: »

Am sure you'll agree education is more important!

I just read your original post about the matter and I think you're looking at things through rose-tinted glasses.

Staying in a relationship without a physical attraction to your partner is doomed. You can dress it up all you like and think 'what if' but it won't change things.

Secondly it's extremely unfair on your partner, who admittedly wants and craves a physical relationship.

Thirdly, entering into a relationship with ANYONE that you think 'I want to change X Y Or Z' is a BAD idea & ultimately WILL fail.

You should accept your girlfriend, warts and all, and love her unconditionally regardless of her size. Otherwise, you're not truly in love. And yes physical attraction is important but I say this as someone who would give an example of a relationship where 1 person was involved in a serious incident and became disfigured, or burned, or lost the use of their limbs, or got a medical condition that restricted their daily lives etc.

True love conquers all.

Mister Vain

anvilfour wrote: »

Am sure you'll agree education is more important!

No I actually find intelligent well educated women in good jobs a turn off. I'd prefer a dumb beautiful woman with a nice pair of eyes. But that's just me.

ThinkProgress

Cold War Kid wrote: »

I don't think anyone thinks physical attraction isn't important in a relationship/when looking for a partner; they just don't have to be stunningly beautiful is all.

There's a difference between settling for less than what you consider ideal... and actively working on someone with a view helping them achieve their potential.

I have more respect for anvilfour's scenario, than people who settle because they don't think they can do any better.

Settling is a deeply disrespectful thing to do. Not just to the other person, but to yourself too. Yet many people applaud these sort of relationships all the time... like it's something to be proud of.

"Oh look, you found one of the only people on this planet willing to marry you... because they're basically the female/male version of YOU. And you both share identical flaws!"

How adorable! What a cute couple! :eek:

purplecow1977

anvilfour wrote: »

Thanks once again for sharing your thoughts bee, you mentioned before you wouldn't end your relationship but what if your husband's weight was so large it was threatening his health - would you try to persuade him to diet and exercise then for his own sake?

Someone already mentioned this, but getting involved with someone who is morbidly obese is different to marrying someone and then the weight to creep on.

Lord Riverside

What's a fat girl and a honda 50 got in common ?

Fun to ride, but don't let your friends see.

purplecow1977

ThinkProgress wrote: »

There's a difference between settling for less than what you consider ideal... and actively working on someone with a view helping them achieve their potential.

I have more respect for anvilfour's scenario, than people who settle because they don't think they can do any better.

Settling is a deeply disrespectful thing to do. Not just to the other person, but to yourself too. Yet many people applaud these sort of relationships all the time... like it's something to be proud of.

"Oh look, you found one of the only people on this planet willing to marry you... because they're basically the female/male version of YOU. And you both share identical flaws!"

How adorable! What a cute couple! :eek:

I think there are many people like this.

Women who reach a certain age especially.

I know of people in relationships happy to settle & put up with various amounts of crap because they don't know how to function without being in a relationship.

I know of women who are in relationships and their partners cheat. They choose to turn a blind eye because they want to stay together for the sake of their family, or afraid of financial repercussions if they separate, or basically can't function being single.

Sad, but true.

purplecow1977

Lord Riverside wrote: »

What's a fat girl and a honda 50 got in common ?

Fun to ride, but don't let your friends see.

How rude.

anvilfour

purplecow1977 wrote: »

Someone already mentioned this, but getting involved with someone who is morbidly obese is different to marrying someone and then the weight to creep on.

Nevertheless the point remains that the other partner may be less attracted physically to that person to ask them to lose weight. In particular where the weight gain was endangering their health.

Incidentally it was my gf and her Doctor who agreed she needs to drop four stone before I even said anything... I didn't insist she lose that much to have more physical chemistry but it's necessary for her health.

Lord Riverside

purplecow1977 wrote: »

How rude.

Rude and fun

purplecow1977

anvilfour wrote: »

Nevertheless the point remains that the other partner may be less attracted physically to that person to ask them to lose weight. In particular where the weight gain was endangering their health.

Incidentally it was my gf and her Doctor who agreed she needs to drop four stone before I even said anything... I didn't insist she lose that much to have more physical chemistry but it's necessary for her health.

.

But fat women can enjoy sex too!

I just think it's such a pity that this part of the relationship is restricted because you're not attracted to her.

What if she never loses the weight?

Or what if she loses the 4 stone and discovers she gets far more attention from men and breaks up with you?

We should happy with what we have. Obviously medical reasons/health are a concern in your situation but I still fail to see why her being +4 stone results in your scarce sex life.

bee06

anvilfour wrote: »

Thanks once again for sharing your thoughts bee, you mentioned before you wouldn't end your relationship but what if your husband's weight was so large it was threatening his health - would you try to persuade him to diet and exercise then for his own sake?

And as I said I can't imagine that ever happening. He would literally have to change his whole lifestyle completely and it would still take years to get that overweight then. He would have taken action well before that. My husband is a grown up so he knows how to take care of himself and he doesn't need me to "persuade" him to do it.

purplecow1977

Thrmlorbeb wrote: »

This is what happens when people are socially conditioned to believe monogamy should be normal.

Is there proof to suggest otherwise in humans?

tmh106

ThinkProgress wrote: »

It's a human restoration project!

I don't really like your analogy, but leaving that aside, marrying someone because you see them as a "restoration" project is hardly a good basis for doing so.

anvilfour

ThinkProgress wrote: »

There's a difference between settling for less than what you consider ideal... and actively working on someone with a view helping them achieve their potential.

I have more respect for anvilfour's scenario, than people who settle because they don't think they can do any better.

Settling is a deeply disrespectful thing to do. Not just to the other person, but to yourself too. Yet many people applaud these sort of relationships all the time... like it's something to be proud of.

"Oh look, you found one of the only people on this planet willing to marry you... because they're basically the female/male version of YOU. And you both share identical flaws!"

How adorable! What a cute couple! :eek:

Thank you ThinkProgress,

I would like to think I have put my money where my mouth is in that we go jogging together and I've signed us both up to the gym. Also paid for separate visits to a trainer next month to work out a plan which suits us.

Sadly she's in a situation a lot of overweight people get into where their size can inhibit exercise. Jogging plays real havoc with her shins so we're working some swimming into the plan too... By the way this will all mean we'll be healthier and have more years to spend together... happy, sex filled years!

purplecow1977

Lord Riverside wrote: »

Rude and fun

Just rude. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase 'those in glass houses..........'

I'd rather be fat than an ignorant...... so & so!

anvilfour

bee06 wrote: »

And as I said I can't imagine that ever happening. He would literally have to change his whole lifestyle completely and it would still take years to get that overweight then. He would have taken action well before that. My husband is a grown up so he knows how to take care of himself and he doesn't need me to "persuade" him to do it.

I am pleased your husband has the self-discipline to stay in shape. Sadly not everyone is quite so iron-willed and needs some help and persuasion.

purplecow1977

anvilfour wrote: »

Thank you ThinkProgress,

I would like to think I have put my money where my mouth is in that we go jogging together and I've signed us both up to the gym. Also paid for separate visits to a trainer next month to work out a plan which suits us.

Sadly she's in a situation a lot of overweight people get into where their size can inhibit exercise. Jogging plays real havoc with her shins so we're working some swimming into the plan too... By the way this will all mean we'll be healthier and have more years to spend together... happy, sex filled years!

Jogging may not be the best type of exercise for her if she has that excess weight pounding on her shins. What about cycling? Relatively impact free. Or an exercise class like boxfit or step aerobics. And eating nutritious filling foods. Often what is marketed as low fat etc aren't the best things to be eating. Best of luck with your quest!

eviltwin

anvilfour wrote: »

Thank you ThinkProgress,

I would like to think I have put my money where my mouth is in that we go jogging together and I've signed us both up to the gym. Also paid for separate visits to a trainer next month to work out a plan which suits us.

Sadly she's in a situation a lot of overweight people get into where their size can inhibit exercise. Jogging plays real havoc with her shins so we're working some swimming into the plan too... By the way this will all mean we'll be healthier and have more years to spend together... happy, sex filled years!

Look I really do wish you both the best because it's important to be at a healthy weight but I'd consider waiting until you've had sex before you marry. Just to be sure.

Mister Vain

Yeah people who settle for someone aren't really in a better situation than anvilfour. He seems to be happy whereas people who settle usually aren't. When you look at it that way, is what he's doing really so bad?

Medusa22

I would date someone who is overweight, as others have said, it is a spectrum from overweight to obese, and I wouldn't be as inclined to date someone who is obese. That being said though, it really depends on the person and how attracted I am to them which is not just based on their weight but their looks, personality, sense of humour etc.

I was obese when I met my partner and I don't think she was into fatties but she was attracted to me and she never put pressure on me to lose weight. A couple of years ago I decided to lose weight for myself and she was incredibly supportive and I have lost a lot of weight since then. I know that she'd still love me if I gained the weight back and I know that I'd still love her and be attracted to her if she gained a bit of weight too. Now if she gained 8 stone, maybe then we might run into problems, but generally speaking, I wouldn't be worried about my attraction to her and any weight fluctuations in the future, our relationship is based on so much more than that.

Edited to say that I actually like women who are a bit overweight, and by a bit overweight I mean like a size 12-16 and around 5ft 6 or taller. So, girls who in my opinion are curvy. I quite like a big bum and big boobs so girls around that size are ideal

tmh106

anvilfour honey, if you really love this woman, you should do the decent thing and end the relationship now. For your future happiness, but more importantly, for the future happiness (and sanity) of the person you "love".

And, to save you posting a reply to this that goes along the lines "but does it not matter/count/etc that I <insert numerous symbols of romanticised love here> ....?", no, it does not mater, not in the least.

IvyTheTerrible

I have been in a long term relationship with someone who was overweight. I was attracted to him for lots of reasons, and his being overweight didn't affect that.
I was overweight (not hugely but still) when I met my now husband, and he was still attracted to me. Last year I lost between 2.5 and 3 stone, so now I'm smack bang in the middle of the "normal" weight range. It has improved our relationship, but I think that's more to do with my own confidence and energy levels than anything else.

One eyed Jack

anvilfour wrote: »

Interesting, so my partner and I's happiness isn't as valid because you don't really believe we're happy?

It's just hard for me to understand where you're coming from, you admit that we're happy but then seem to suggest we aren't?

"To continue this session, please deposit €70 in the envelope provided..."


Seriously though, I never said you weren't happy, I'm not suggesting your happiness isn't 'valid' or anything else either, that's why I qualified what I did say with 'IMO' (in my opinion).

Of course I believe you're happy, just like two immature teenagers who think the whole world is against them are happy, they're fcuking delirious with each other, but then the relationship changes when they grow up a bit and mature.

You understand that when your fiancé, and you, do lose weight, it could give you both very different perspectives and open up whole new worlds to both of you, and how long do you think you'll be able to hold each other back from wanting to explore those opportunities?

It's something I've seen often happen, and even in this thread on the first few pages, we've seen people's behaviour change when their partners physical appearance changes (their partners attitude changes with it), and they use this to justify an affair after supposedly many happy years of marriage? It can go the other way too where one person loses all the weight, gets their confidence back, then decides to take their new body for a spin

I actually wonder, if you're not operating in some fantasy bubble of isolation - what makes you think your relationship will survive where all others have failed or fallen apart?

Love? Cuddles? Affection?

I'd like to think your relationship isn't a pending 'marriage of convenience', but there's so many, many red flags in everything you've posted so far that I'm afraid if you post any more I won't be able to see any hope at all, for either of you tbh!

Anyway, I'm off, there's only so much time I'm prepared to give anyone whom I think clearly is only attention seeking at this point, clearly unwilling to take anything on board.

That kind of approach is pointless, and while your girlfriend and yourself might be able to put up with it from each other and call it giving each other time, I won't, and I wouldn't either let anyone waste my time like that.

Lord Riverside

purplecow1977 wrote: »

Just rude. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase 'those in glass houses..........'

I am, but I'm not fat. I just like poking the odd fat chick now and then for the fun.
Skinny women are like a bag of bones sometimes, and have little if any curves.

Dial Hard

anvilfour wrote:

Incidentally it was my gf and her Doctor who agreed she needs to drop four stone before I even said anything... I didn't insist she lose that much to have more physical chemistry but it's necessary for her health.

So you would have stayed in an essentially sexless relationship with someone you don't actually fancy if she hadn't decided to lose it herself?

meeeeh

Mister Vain wrote: »

Yeah people who settle for someone aren't really in a better situation than anvilfour. He seems to be happy whereas people who settle usually aren't. When you look at it that way, is what he's doing really so bad?

I would like to know what that settling for someone is. When I was single I apparently had a reputation to be stuck up bitch that nobody was good enough for. I get into serious relationship loving relationship and I am settling because he is not slim. It's funny how people like to project their own preferences and expect you should act exactly the same.

What I absolutely positive about is that I wouldn't want to be in a fixeer upper relationship. Besides what guarantees do you have that the other person wasn't settling and now that they are improved they will go for someone better.

Mister Vain

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I'd like to think your relationship isn't a pending 'marriage of convenience'

kind of similar to the mail order bride situation. That's something else that is very much stigmatized yet its something that can work out for both people involved. Again, its no worse than someone who settles and is unhappy IMO.

strelok

meeeeh wrote: »

I would like to know what that settling for someone is. When I was single I apparently had a reputation to be stuck up bitch that nobody was good enough for.

you did say 80% of men were too stupid for you

meeeeh

strelok wrote: »

you did say 80% of men were too stupid for you

And? Should I settle?

Ok I will be serious for a moment but I wasn't single because I am stuck up bitch, I was single for many other reason I am not prepared to go into. But others don't know that as don't people who see me with someone who is basically twice my size and can't understand I might like being with him.

strelok

meeeeh wrote: »

And? Should I settle?

no, im just saying your reputation might not have been a slur.

anvilfour

Mister Vain wrote: »

kind of similar to the mail order bride situation. That's something else that is very much stigmatized yet its something that can work out for both people involved. Again, its no worse than someone who settles and is unhappy IMO.

Yes, it does strike everyone else as a bit mercenary but so long as everyone is happy...

anvilfour

purplecow1977 wrote: »

Jogging may not be the best type of exercise for her if she has that excess weight pounding on her shins. What about cycling? Relatively impact free. Or an exercise class like boxfit or step aerobics. And eating nutritious filling foods. Often what is marketed as low fat etc aren't the best things to be eating. Best of luck with your quest!

Excellent suggestions Purpecow thanks, we are both on strict diet and want to sign up to a "Boxercise" class next month when we've joined gym, onwards and upwards!

bee06

anvilfour wrote: »

I am pleased your husband has the self-discipline to stay in shape. Sadly not everyone is quite so iron-willed and needs some help and persuasion.

A lot of it is down to habit. He has a life time of good eating and playing sport behind him and that's why I can't imagine him becoming hugely overweight because he literally would have to break habits of a lifetime. When you don't have those habits and have to break unhealthy ones and start exercising its really hard. I think I read somewhere before that it takes three weeks of doing something for it to become a habit but getting through that first three weeks is tough.

ThinkProgress

meeeeh wrote: »

You find it hard to understand that not everyone is attracted to what you are attracted and that they have to be miserable and deluded in some way because everyone should operate like you. We don't.

Not at all. I think humans in general are visual creatures, for the most part. That's where my perspective comes from.

We actually are quite a shallow species when it comes to attraction. Which is remarkable to me, considering the complex nature of our brains.

For all our sophistication as a species, we really haven't advanced much past other animals on this planet when it comes to attraction.

We look for beauty - which means symmetry, lean toned/muscles, bright eyes and healthy skin... Because our hormones drive us towards that.

So you can understand why I'm skeptical of anyone who claims not to care if their partner is overweight and unhealthy!

m'lady

My man could eat all day and not gain weight ( lucky fecker!) but if I was in that situation a bit of weight wouldn't bother me, but if it went to extreme levels then yes it would.
A guy that had no interest in living (going on holiday etc) or a guy that comes across as honest but really is the complete opposite would turn me off a hell of a lot more than a bit of weight on them.

zeffabelli

What does 'settle' mean?

Is it you spend your 20s an 30s dreaming of alternatives? WHat is bizarre is this relentless attitude of waiting for someone "good enough."

What about working on yourself to become worthwhile instead of caving to this obsession with alternatives?

How many decent good people passed you by because of this "settling" notion haunting each year?

People change....completely nuts to base a future on current conditions....facts are as old as the ages...we don't know where or why....may as well pick someone who gets your rocks off and who simultaneously is worth sufferring for.