Financially supporting your parents?

viv147

My Irish in-laws are going through a really rough time right now, (they apparently might even lose their house...) and as such they have requested that my husband and i ‘help them out’ by sending them 1k a month for the next foreseeable future. (Saying that my husband ‘owes them’ at least that for them having raised him??)

If it makes any difference, we’re both in our mid twenties, and have been married for just over two years. My husband makes $80,000 a year and i make $35,000. We have a little less than $200k in savings. and will be looking to buy a house and start a family within the next couple of years. A decent single family in our area (Boston Suburbs) will cost at least 350k, but probably more.

Personally, I think their request is more than a bit ridiculous ... and frankly, so does my husband. (They’ve always been really irresponsible with their money, and I don’t think that they have much, if anything in the way of savings.) They keep bringing it up every time we talk to them however, and we’re starting to run out of excuses.

Oh, and again, if it makes any difference they are both in their fifties, healthy and fully capable of holding down full time jobs. As far as my husband is aware, neither of them are working at the moment, and neither are his two (early-twenties) brothers who still live at home?

Do you guys think this is fair? Is this sort of thing common in Ireland? What should we do?

coffee_cake

"Could you help us out I hate to ask"
vs
"you OWE us!!!"

If they have kids living at home they can go and do one. Tell the kids to pay rent and bills. There's the 1k

Absolutely do not agree

R.D. aka MR.D

I just wanted to reply because I have an American OH and can understand how you might be wondering if this is some 'Irish' thing that you can't understand.

I can tell you that it isn't.

How does your husband feel about his family? That's the important question. Does he want to help them?

Personally, there would be no way that I would give my parents money if they had been irresponsible with it. Your husband didn't ask to be born, they made the choice to raise him.

jimgoose

This is most unusual indeed. Most Irish parents would commit Seppuku before they'd come up with such a request. Tell the other two latcheycos to get up off their backsides and bring in some money like grown men.

Penny Tration

My OH's mam asked him for financial help.

The difference is, she's looking for work, she's got all adults living at home paying their keep, she's been using savings to pay bills and she ASKED. she didn't demand. She didn't say she was owed it. She asked, and for much less than 1k a month! He gives her like 400 a month to help, by choice.

His parents are completely taking the p!ss and i wouldn't entertain it. It's your money too, not his. You, as a couple, owe them nothing.

They can get jobs, as can the kids at home.

viv147

bluewolf wrote: »

"Could you help us out I hate to ask"
vs
"you OWE us!!!"

If they have kids living at home they can go and do one. Tell the kids to pay rent and bills. There's the 1k

Absolutely do not agree

In fairness, they did start out with 'just asking' although now that we've declined they're claiming that we (myself included apparently?) somehow owe them?

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I just wanted to reply because I have an American OH and can understand how you might be wondering if this is some 'Irish' thing that you can't understand.

I can tell you that it isn't.

How does your husband feel about his family? That's the important question. Does he want to help them?

Personally, there would be no way that I would give my parents money if they had been irresponsible with it. Your husband didn't ask to be born, they made the choice to raise him.

Thanks, good to know.

And he obviously loves his parents and ideally would probably like to help them out, but at the same time he knows that if he does, they'll probably just keep on being irresponsible with it and end up right back in the same situation again.

LegacyUser

I couldn't help put laugh Op but seriously they want your husband to pay them back for rearing him!!!! Your husband didn't choose to be born, his parents made the choice to have a kid and raise him. Why does your husband have to pay them back, why don't the other two siblings not have to contribute anything?

If they need extra money why aren't the two other sons out working and contributing via rent. If you were at risk of losing your home surely it would be all hands on deck and everybody would be out either working or looking for a job in order to pay off the debt.

The story they are feeding him doesn't add up.


I wouldn't be giving any to money to them as you don't know what they are going to spend the money on and you say they are not good with money or managing finances.
Throwing in the line about losing their home sounds like they are trying to emotionally blackmail your husband into giving them the money.


At the end of day you are his family now and you guys have to plan your future and buy a house together.

Rubberchikken

most parents don't expect to be repaid. they choose to have the kids thier responsibility.
how does your husband feel about lending/giving them money? if a family member was in need and could pay it back, then i personally would help anyway i could.

but i wouldn't like to feel blackmailed or guilted into it nor would i appreciate having to see myself short because of it.

talk with your oh. if you both agree nothing can be done, then prehaps it's time to be honest and to-the-point with his parents.

Neyite

It's not an Irish thing, just a greed thing. The typical Irish Mammy (and Daddy) that I know, are the opposite - still trying to slip their adult children a few quid despite those children having a good income of their own. To say that you owe your parents for the cost of being reared is breathtakingly greedy. They sound like a shower or lazy buggers to be honest.

OK, I understand there has been a tough recession here, and everyone has been affected - myself included. I can understand if money is tight that they'd ask their son to help them out with mortgage repayments until they got back on their feet. I can understand being reared with a family ethos where you'd not see a family member stuck. It's one thing to ask for a loan or a gift to help you, but by far another to demand €1,000 a month for the forseeable future!

By the way, its a long and slow process to have your house repossessed here. It takes years for the banks to get to the point where they are sending in the baliffs to change the locks so if their house is truly at risk, they would have known about it long before now. It's very likely that they see your husband as a soft touch or that because he's on X amount he obviously is loaded enough not to miss that amount of money. What they are failing to grasp is your own living costs that you have to plan for, the lack of a welfare safety net in the US compared to Ireland should one of you lose your job, and other such concerns.

Either say no, or only send what you can afford to write off and never see again.

CaraMay

Well if he decides to send some money I would be sending it directly in reduction of a debt rather than to them to spend. TBH if it were me I would send them 5k as a once off but just to reduce debt / arrears.

lukesmom

Oh my God the cheek of them! It certainly is not the norm in Ireland in fact I've never heard of such a demand. I would just be honest and say it's not gonna happen. End of.

Lau2976

This may not be a greed thing entirely. They may have lived lavishly during the Celtic tiger and continued to live that way when the recession hit. Yes it is greedy and stupid to live so outside your means but it sounds more like desperation on their part to me.

I would encourage you to thread carefully with family and money, especially since this is your OH's family. They may make judgments on you for your OH refusing. I would ask to see any arrears before giving anything, whether you decide it be a loan or a gift. That way you can decide on an appropriate amount, if any.

Demanding 1k a mount is beyond ridiculous and certainly not an irish thing I've ever heard or seem done.

Wompa1

My American mother came crying to me for help when I was about 24. I suppose they are his parents. Not sure how much of the 200k saved is his but if a lot of it is his then, I'd say it's up to him.

I know for myself, I would help my mother out. She works hard and her financial situation is not her fault, it's my fathers. Having said that. I've had to stop helping. I kept the collectors away for a couple of years but in the end, their outgoings vs incomings were too great. I couldn't prevent them losing their house. They now make payments to the bank and are allowed to stay in the house until they both die.

MagicMarker

Tbh, if I had 200k in savings and my parents might possibly lose their house, then they wouldn't even need to ask me for help.

Their method of asking and sense of entitlement is not on though.

SeanSouth

If my parent called to ask for money, I would send it on immediately without a single question. It depends on how much you trust them I suppose. In my case i'm very sure that they wouldn't ask if they didn't need it and thats all that matters.

freshpopcorn

Honestly if I had the money I'd probably send it to them because I know they would do the same for me.
However my parents would never approach me like your partners parents did.

ads20101

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Honestly if I had the money I'd probably send it to them because I know they would do the same for me.
However my parents would never approach me like your partners parents did.

I would too.

But only to a point. Probably around 5k.

Anymore than that, they have bigger problems than I could deal with.

freshpopcorn

ads20101 wrote: »

I would too.

But only to a point. Probably around 5k.

Anymore than that, they have bigger problems than I could deal with.

I'd probably agree with you there.
I could never see my parents working up a massive death.

One thing to the OP, has your partners parents contacted Saint Vincent de Paul? If they are badly off they might be able to help.

viv147

Wompa1 wrote: »

My American mother came crying to me for help when I was about 24. I suppose they are his parents. Not sure how much of the 200k saved is his but if a lot of it is his then, I'd say it's up to him.

I know for myself, I would help my mother out. She works hard and her financial situation is not her fault, it's my fathers. Having said that. I've had to stop helping. I kept the collectors away for a couple of years but in the end, their outgoings vs incomings were too great. I couldn't prevent them losing their house. They now make payments to the bank and are allowed to stay in the house until they both die.

We treat the money as ‘ours’ as opposed to ‘his’ and ‘mine’, but I suppose that technically roughly 65% of the 200k would be mine. (As in, I had it before got married. At the time, he had no savings to speak of.)

athtrasna

I would agree with the others, a once off gift of 5k would be the most I would consider. I would also look to pay it directly off a debt rather than pay it directly to his parents if they are bad with managing money.

LegacyUser

Don't forget to consider that they could be faced with a tax bill on receiving gifts from children. I think the threshold is about 30k, so after 30 months they could be liable for capital acquisitions tax

arayess

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Honestly if I had the money I'd probably send it to them because I know they would do the same for me.
However my parents would never approach me like your partners parents did.

it's a nice sentiment but it's not just the parents though
the two other layabouts are living the life off this money (if paid) also.
surely they are to stump up for their bed and board.

viv147

athtrasna wrote: »

I would agree with the others, a once off gift of 5k would be the most I would consider. I would also look to pay it directly off a debt rather than pay it directly to his parents if they are bad with managing money.

5k is still a lot of money though, and sure, while we might not need it now we're probably gonna need it in twenty years when our kids go off to college.

Forgot password wrote: »

Don't forget to consider that they could be faced with a tax bill on receiving gifts from children. I think the threshold is about 30k, so after 30 months they could be liable for capital acquisitions tax

That's interesting, good to know. Any idea if it makes a difference if the money is coming from the US, 'cause here you're allowed to gift 14k a year per person before tax kicks in.

Wompa1

viv147 wrote: »

We treat the money as ‘ours’ as opposed to ‘his’ and ‘mine’, but I suppose that technically roughly 65% of the 200k would be mine. (As in, I had it before got married. At the time, he had no savings to speak of.)

Best way to be...except when it comes to something like this. If he wants to give them money but you don't. Does that mean you can veto him?

Sinall

I help my parents out financially - not on a monthly basis but with big bills that they'd struggle with. I also get groceries for them and buy their clothes etc. My parents are in their 70s and not in fantastic health and i feel lucky to be able to help when they need it.

I do this by choice and it's not expected by my father who appreciates it. My mother, on the other hand, thinks she deserves it for rearing me! I'm able to laugh at it because Dad is so different to her and doesn't see it that way at all. I'm happy to help while I can but there's no ongoing expectation that it's a regular substantial sum on a certain date every month!

I'd find it very difficult in the OP's position to hand over a lump sum monthly. Agree with those who have suggested one payment to reduce an existing debt rather than money they can splurge

jimmycrackcorm

If the situation were reversed then I think there aren't many parents who wouldn't think twice to help out their kids. If I had $200k in my bank then without question I'd be giving them 1k a month for a while. It wouldn't be endless though, just like parents don't endlessly support their kids so there would have to be a resolution.

Also worth bearing in mind that perhaps the OP's other half might benefit from an inheritance in the future so could be a case of what goes around comes back around.

viv147

Wompa1 wrote: »

Best way to be...except when it comes to something like this. If he wants to give them money but you don't. Does that mean you can veto him?

I have a mutual fund with 130k, (the 65%) and that's in my name only. I still consider it 'our money' though, since it's money that we'll both use in our retirement. (Or for a downpayment, or to send our kids to college or whatever.)

I'd say when it comes to that money, I have final say in what's done with it ... and I don't want it going to his parents. If he wants to give them money it'd have to come out of his wages.

CaraMay

Well of he's going to have to give it from his own money, why are you posting? He's fully entitled to do that and doesn't need your blessing.

viv147

CaraMay wrote: »

Well of he's going to have to give it from his own money, why are you posting? He's fully entitled to do that and doesn't need your blessing.

If our finances weren't combined then fair enough, but they are so yes ... he does need my blessing, just as i'd want get his before making a large purchase for myself.

coffee_cake

CaraMay wrote: »

Well of he's going to have to give it from his own money, why are you posting? He's fully entitled to do that and doesn't need your blessing.

While that's true they are a couple with joint finances and big purchases in the future to think about ...
no harm getting advice from people

LegacyUser

Op I'd tread carefully, money and land cause a lot of falling outs within families. I'd be very reluctant to give money to people who can't live within their means and budget. Do you know how much debt they have? I think if you both decide to help them out its to pay off a debt rather than handing them over a wad load of money that they might not use towards their debts.
Their way of asking for a handout is despicable though. What are his two siblings who are living at home doing to help out?