Financially supporting your parents?

viv147

Okay, so we woke up really early to skype with my MIL before work (FIL wasn’t around, I have no idea where he was?) and we informed her we’d gift them 5k to put toward their montage, but the money would be going directly to their lender as opposed to their bank account... and my MIL literally started crying when we told her this, saying that i’d turned my husband against her, and that he obviously loved and cared more about me than she did about her.

She then went on to claim that I only married my husband for his money -- which is straight ridiculous cause at the time we got married we were earning within 5k of each other. (He worked remotely for the same company he had worked for while in Ireland, and wasn’t paid very well at all for what he did. About three months ago he got a new job over here and his salary doubled.) Also, it’s not like anybody in his family has any money ... so we’re not gonna be inheriting much (if anything) when his parents die.

I just don’t know what to do about them anymore -- and right now neither does my husband. He doesn’t want to have to cut them out of his life, but if they keep this sort of thing up then he feels he just may have to. Their attitude and bizarre sense of entitlement is ridiculous! If anybody has any advice on how to go forward from here, please share!

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viv147 wrote: »

Okay, so we woke up really early to skype with my MIL before work (FIL wasn’t around, I have no idea where he was?) and we informed her we’d gift them 5k to put toward their montage, but the money would be going directly to their lender as opposed to their bank account... and my MIL literally started crying when we told her this, saying that i’d turned my husband against her, and that he obviously loved and cared more about me than she did about her.

She then went on to claim that I only married my husband for his money -- which is straight ridiculous cause at the time we got married we were earning within 5k of each other. (He worked remotely for the same company he had worked for while in Ireland, and wasn’t paid very well at all for what he did. About three months ago he got a new job over here and his salary doubled.) Also, it’s not like anybody in his family has any money ... so we’re not gonna be inheriting much (if anything) when his parents die.

I just don’t know what to do about them anymore -- and right now neither does my husband. He doesn’t want to have to cut them out of his life, but if they keep this sort of thing up then he feels he just may have to. Their attitude and bizarre sense of entitlement is ridiculous! If anybody has any advice on how to go forward from here, please share!

You've probably done as much as you can do, give the money to their mortgage provider and if they. continue as they're going ignore them or cut off contact.

miamee

When they realise this is the only take-it-ot-leave-it offer that they are getting, she will be back for the €5k I'd say. She won't be able to say no to that but will probably try to negotiate getting it paid directly to their bank account. I'd give it to her and be done with her for the moment at least.

CaraMay

Omg she's some piece of work. Your poor husband.

freshpopcorn

If you are will to give them the €5000. What difference does it really make to you if you give it to them or pay it off there mortgage?
Have they money to pay for electricity/heating/shopping/etc because these are things you can't survive without whist you can sort of fob the bank off with the mortgage to an extent.
They haven't got a loan off a money lender who is hassling them for money?

CaraMay

I think at this stage your husband needs to go home and see exactly what's going on. It's all very bizarre

viv147

freshpopcorn wrote: »

If you are will to give them the €5000. What difference does it really make to you if you give it to them or pay it off there mortgage?
Have they money to pay for electricity/heating/shopping/etc because these are things you can't survive without whist you can sort of fob the bank off with the mortgage to an extent.
They haven't got a loan off a money lender who is hassling them for money?

Because aside from being behind on their mortgage, the refuse to tell us what it is they even need money toward ... plus I'm pretty sure they're all on welfare so, unless they're spending all their money on things they shouldn't be spending it on, they really should be able to afford the necessities.

CaraMay wrote: »

I think at this stage your husband needs to go home and see exactly what's going on. It's all very bizarre

He just started a new job and doesn't have any vacation days available yet, so unless he were to fly all the way Ireland only to spend a little more than 24 hours there, that really isn't an option.

Penny Tration

I think you should deposit the five grand into their mortgage account and leave them to sulk.

They clearly aren't all that worried about losing their home if they throw a strop when you offer to clear a large chunk of it!

Calhoun

Damn that's some nice emotional blackmail, I'm not sure him going home will help though. 4v1 is not an easy fight and let's face it the way they acted so far it's not going to be an easy discussion.

Personally I'd be laying down the law no compromised your happy to help but it's on your terms not theirs.

freshpopcorn

viv147 wrote: »

Because aside from being behind on their mortgage, the refuse to tell us what it is they even need money toward ... plus I'm pretty sure they're all on welfare so, unless they're spending all their money on things they shouldn't be spending it on, they really should be able to afford the necessities.

.

That's the thing tough. I've often heard of people turning to money lenders/illegal money lenders before asking for the help of family.
I know of people in my local town and the local money lender keeps their social welfare card/pension book and gives it to them before they go into the post office and makes them hand over the majority of the money and the card back again until the money is paid off. So these people wouldn't have money for necessities and whilst they would love to get a lump sum paid of their mortgage getting €5000 in cash would benefit them more be it paying off the money lender/other expenses.

Edit. I'm not supporting his parents. There is something clearly going on here.
I think there covering for something.(not a sun holiday) but I think they might have got to selves into bother and their ashamed to admit it.

Penny Tration

freshpopcorn wrote: »

That's the thing tough. I've often heard of people turning to money lenders/illegal money lenders before asking for the help of family.
I know of people in my local town and the local money lender keeps their social welfare card/pension book and gives it to them before they go into the post office and makes them hand over the majority of the money and the card back again until the money is paid off. So these people wouldn't have money for necessities and whilst they would love to get a lump sum paid of their mortgage getting €5000 in cash would benefit them more be it paying off the money lender/other expenses.

And if they have gone to money lenders, by their mortgage being covered for a while, and FOUR people on social welfare with only household bills to cover, they should be able to afford to pay back the loan shark.

The fact is though, they refuse to say what they need the money for, just that they want x amount per month. X amount per month equates to - let me continue to piss my money away and you bail me out each month. The op and her husband can't be expected to fork out thousands of euro with no idea what it's for.

Calhoun

freshpopcorn wrote: »

That's the thing tough. I've often heard of people turning to money lenders/illegal money lenders before asking for the help of family.
I know of people in my local town and the local money lender keeps their social welfare card/pension book and gives it to them before they go into the post office and makes them hand over the majority of the money and the card back again until the money is paid off. So these people wouldn't have money for necessities and whilst they would love to get a lump sum paid of their mortgage getting €5000 in cash would benefit them more be it paying off the money lender/other expenses.

Even if this was the case, no help can or should be provided without full disclosure of what's going on.

freshpopcorn

Calhoun wrote: »

Even if this was the case, no help can or should be provided without full disclosure of what's going on.

I totally agree with that.

LegacyUser

My ex had a similar problem with his brother and sister in law - they were looking to "borrow" sum of 25k which kept rising until it stopped at 34,000-our college fund for our kids.
Ex had been to bank and secured loan in writing when he told me . Thing is, they'd had a car repossessed, no bank would loan them the €€, and I knew that they couldn't afford to pay him back.
Ex realised at last minute that I was right and said no.
You work hard for your money.Just because someone is related doesn't mean that you should automatically help them they sound like they need to visit MABS and tell their adult kids to shift their assessment.

canttalk

Emotional blackmail.... While very hurtful is not unexpected when money and family are involved (sigh)

OP, I think you should directly give them the 5k and then go deaf to other requests. There are obviously other, deeper issues going on and perhaps an element of desperation/ shame that is keeping them from telling you what it is. It could be anything from lian sharks to drugs to helping someone else, anything! Bottom line is they need the money and your partner is the person they are asking for it.

I suspect they have already lost the house and are in the process of leaving, hence the money, as it has gotten ridiculously expensive to move now, especially on welfare. Factor in they can't get a loan they would need a good bit to move.

I think this is what they are not saying and the shame is coming g through as aggression because they don't know how to ask. Where do the brothers factor in this? Are they young adults or old enough to know better? Up skilling themselves or what?

Your partner needs to have a long, intense and private conversation with his mother (away from you as she may be open with him alone.) He also needs to tell her he's earning good money but I know Boston is expensive and that the majority of your savings are your inheritance. Then he needs to find a way to get home when he has leave because I think his parents are in a big mess and need some help (not necessarily financial)

The welfare system, while flawed in some ways is very generous here and will not let them down if they can make the necessary emotional and mental shift that lifestyle changes need to be made, including perhaps moving to a cheaper town...as their children are adults this can be done.

lukesmom

I'm sorry but after that Skype conversation I would not hand over a single cent of my hard earned money to a woman who has insulted you. Why the hell should you be expected to bail them out when there are two strapping, lazy adult children sitting on their arses all day while you and your husband bust a gut working???? It's absolutely bizzare. He will have to tell them a big fat NO. Have some respect for yourselves.

Wompa1

I wouldn't be giving them any money after that. Particularly if they aren't even willing to tell you why they need the money. Cut and run.

IvoryTower

I wouldn't be handing the money over either. They'll come back to talk about it again when they get over their hissy fit. I would still only agree on your terms. How frustrating. Best of luck with it op.

R.D. aka MR.D

I wouldn't just give them the money without them accepting the situation. Get your husband to let his father and brothers know what the offer is and that it's take it or leave it.

He doesn't want to cut them off but they obviously see him as nothing but an atm. It's sad but parents aren't forced to love their children. It seems like they have no love or respect for him, they are just selfish.

Detached Retina

Like others have said, very suspect.
Wouldn't hand over a penny until there's full disclosure of what their situation or liabilities are. It's shocking that the aren't telling you both looking for these sums! Especially with young able bodied adults at home :mad:
My bro has helped some of us out financially on occasion,has no issues doing so, but knowing where the money's going. He's not mean by any standard.
My ex inlaws and ex's siblings are abroad and them looking for money had been a bone of contention in the past, as they WERE prioritised over me and the kids frequently when we were always stoney broke, it's a different situation -worst was we had the gas cut off, he'd sent 500 euro home to purchase gifts & a goat/cow to be sacrificed for Eid al-Adha. Said would bring luck.Also I'm a vegetarian

LegacyUser

I'd row in with the consensus here and say this money is not for the mortgage, else there'd be an appreciation for the gesture.

If their situation is genuine, they'd be up front with the necessary documentation to support their claims.

solerina

After having read this entire thread I think you shouldn't give then a cent. The parents are obviously looking to free load and probably wouldn't be in financial trouble if the 4 adults got off their arses and got work. The reaction when you offered the 5k tells a lot, they are not actually worried about the mortgage...they want to maintain their current living standards....which is probably why they are in mortgage difficulties in the first place. Keep your hard earned money for yourselves !!

PandaPoo

Could one of the parents be sick? Maybe they don't want to tell him in case he worries, although the way they've gone about asking is just crazy.

we'llallhavetea

i'll be honest, if it was my parents and i had a grand a month spare i would give it to them, no questions asked. however! my parents would NEVER demand money as their entitlement for raising me.
also, if my partner was in this situation and he could afford to pay them and wanted to pay them i really wouldn't have an issue with it at all. its not my money, and he can do whatever he wants with it so long as it was not impacting his life negatively.
i think if you both agree to give them 5k, then gift it to them, not their mortgage account. you're either willing to give 5k or you're not. it will make no difference to you both either way.

Calhoun

I believe however that when you are married your sole income is no longer just your money to play around with. It would be very foolish for her husband to unilaterally make a commitment like this on his own especially considering they are in the states with huge university fees ect.

Mick Murdock

Your OH parents and brothers sound like a bunch of scumbag layabouts. Demanding money would be an instant no from me.

Not all parents are equal. Four fully fit adults not working is unacceptable. I'd burn the money before hand it to them.

Unless you start getting some satisfactory answers as to what they need it for I wouldn't even address it again.