How to avoid making the same mistakes in new relationship?

LegacyUser

I hope you guys are able to provide some advice so that I don't make the same mistakes I made before causing the end of a promising relationship.

A bit of background: I am a guy, 30 years old and have only been in two relationships in my life. I only started "dating" when I was about 25. I've always been a bit shy and reserved so I was always nervous meeting women for dates. To prove how shy I was, I never kissed a girl until I was 20! I'm by no means ugly, without trying to sound big headed a lot of women have said I'm very handsome. I had never thought so growing up, maybe that's why I was a "late bloomer".

Okay, so two years ago I started dating a girl and everything was great, at the start. We dated for just under a year, but then she broke it off. I only found out why a few months ago. We met for a coffee, as friends, and we talked a little bit about the break up. She told me she didn't think I was being myself, the relationship was going nowhere and it got boring.

Looking back, I do see that I was very closed and reserved about things. She was more sexually adventurous than me which I shyed away from. Not that I didn't want to do it, but I think I believed that it was all a trick. If I went along with it she would think lesser of me. It really sounds silly now.

I was very reluctant to open up and expose myself emotionally. She was always the one pushing the boundaries in our relationship, for example, she was the first to say "I love you", even though I wanted to say it first, I was afraid of being rejected.

I never tried to advance our relationship. I was always just happy being with her. I was satisfied with a night in on the couch watching TV with her. I didn't suggest going away for weekend breaks or doing anything out of the norm. I was just afraid of ruining what we had by testing the waters. I guess she just got tired of it all and I don't blame her.

I'm in a new relationship now for the last month. I really like this girl, but I'm afraid of making the same mistakes. I want to be more open and expressive and to actually do and say what I feel, but I fear being too open and scaring her off.

How do I get over being so closed emotionally? How do I avoid falling into the same problem as before?

Exclamation Marc

You say that you wan't to be more open and expressive. That's your first step. Be who you want to be. There's no point being with someone and either holding back how you want to act or exaggerating to keep a relationship going. If you do either, you'll feel like you're not yourself and start resenting the relationship.

You say that you're afraid of ruining things either sexually or by testing the waters in other ways. You're 30 and in a new relationship, slowly start doing these things. If you test the waters and it works out, happy days. If you test them out and they don't or your girlfriend isn't a fan, lesson learned. Unless your ideas are psychotic, she's not going to hate you for being you, she'll respect you for being open. You've mentioned that you never suggested going for weekend breaks, start suggesting one maybe once a month down the country.

Whilst it's a new relationship and you're only 30 and long-term is the least of your worries now, you don't want to be back on Boards in 10 years saying you've spent 10 years with someone, married them yet you've never really been yourself.

Be yourself. If your other half doesn't like you or thinks lesser of you because you're being yourself, then you're with the wrong person

Tim Smith55

inreceipt wrote: »

I hope you guys are able to provide some advice so that I don't make the same mistakes I made before causing the end of a promising relationship.

A bit of background: I am a guy, 30 years old and have only been in two relationships in my life. I only started "dating" when I was about 25. I've always been a bit shy and reserved so I was always nervous meeting women for dates. To prove how shy I was, I never kissed a girl until I was 20! I'm by no means ugly, without trying to sound big headed a lot of women have said I'm very handsome. I had never thought so growing up, maybe that's why I was a "late bloomer".

Okay, so two years ago I started dating a girl and everything was great, at the start. We dated for just under a year, but then she broke it off. I only found out why a few months ago. We met for a coffee, as friends, and we talked a little bit about the break up. She told me she didn't think I was being myself, the relationship was going nowhere and it got boring.

Looking back, I do see that I was very closed and reserved about things. She was more sexually adventurous than me which I shyed away from. Not that I didn't want to do it, but I think I believed that it was all a trick. If I went along with it she would think lesser of me. It really sounds silly now.

I was very reluctant to open up and expose myself emotionally. She was always the one pushing the boundaries in our relationship, for example, she was the first to say "I love you", even though I wanted to say it first, I was afraid of being rejected.

I never tried to advance our relationship. I was always just happy being with her. I was satisfied with a night in on the couch watching TV with her. I didn't suggest going away for weekend breaks or doing anything out of the norm. I was just afraid of ruining what we had by testing the waters. I guess she just got tired of it all and I don't blame her.

I'm in a new relationship now for the last month. I really like this girl, but I'm afraid of making the same mistakes. I want to be more open and expressive and to actually do and say what I feel, but I fear being too open and scaring her off.

How do I get over being so closed emotionally? How do I avoid falling into the same problem as before?

Just be yourself and have fun. Let the chips fall where they may, don't try and impress her.

whiskeyman

I think you need to push yourself and do impress her.
We can all get very comfortable in ourselves.
When your with someone, so many different things are great to do together... travelling, going out, shows etc... it's lovely to share experiences together.
I do think you need to push yourself, unless you know for sure this new girl doesn't want that... but I really doubt that's going to be the case.

In other words, I think you need to get used to making effort.

pookie82

You seem to have identified (with the help of your ex) everywhere you went wrong in the past ... I'm not sure what more we can offer here?

Just do everything you didn't do with her ... make more of an effort in your spare time to bring this girl places, do exciting stuff, don't make it all about Netflix and couch. Don't be so self conscious in the bedroom, stop overthinking things, you only live once.

Be affectionate, if you love her, say it, and treat her well.

If there's some sort of odd mental barrier to you being able to do these things, maybe some counselling would help.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

You seem to have identified (with the help of your ex) everywhere you went wrong in the past ... I'm not sure what more we can offer here?

Just do everything you didn't do with her ... make more of an effort in your spare time to bring this girl places, do exciting stuff, don't make it all about Netflix and couch. Don't be so self conscious in the bedroom, stop overthinking things, you only live once.

Be affectionate, if you love her, say it, and treat her well.

If there's some sort of odd mental barrier to you being able to do these things, maybe some counselling would help.

I think I'm afraid of being myself around her in case I scare her off. I know a lot of people hide parts of themselves at the beginning of a relationship in case their new girlfriend/boyfriend disapproves or finds it weird. I guess I never got over that phase and worry about doing anything different from the start of our relationship. I figured that's when we had the most fun and were the happiest.

Maybe there is a mental barrier. I don't know if I'd go as far as needing counselling. Is there anything I can do myself to break out of my comfort shell?

zeffabelli

inreceipt wrote: »

I think I'm afraid of being myself around her in case I scare her off. I know a lot of people hide parts of themselves at the beginning of a relationship in case their new girlfriend/boyfriend disapproves or finds it weird. I guess I never got over that phase and worry about doing anything different from the start of our relationship. I figured that's when we had the most fun and were the happiest.

Maybe there is a mental barrier. I don't know if I'd go as far as needing counselling. Is there anything I can do myself to break out of my comfort shell?

You sound riddled with criticism.

Take a note pad and write down every judgy pants thought you have about yourself and everyone else.

What will become evident is how unproductive and mundane your judgements are.

Then you have to tackle your trust deficit.

You have to tolerate the discomfort, ride it out and you'll come out the other side all the better for it.

Penny Tration

inreceipt wrote: »

I think I'm afraid of being myself around her in case I scare her off. I know a lot of people hide parts of themselves at the beginning of a relationship in case their new girlfriend/boyfriend disapproves or finds it weird. I guess I never got over that phase and worry about doing anything different from the start of our relationship. I figured that's when we had the most fun and were the happiest.

Maybe there is a mental barrier. I don't know if I'd go as far as needing counselling. Is there anything I can do myself to break out of my comfort shell?

Well, if you refuse to be yourself around her, then how can she like YOU? she can't, she can only like what you show her.

And until you show her the real you, she doesn't like you for who you are.

So be fair to the lady and allow her the chance to care for you.

pookie82

inreceipt wrote: »

I think I'm afraid of being myself around her in case I scare her off. I know a lot of people hide parts of themselves at the beginning of a relationship in case their new girlfriend/boyfriend disapproves or finds it weird. I guess I never got over that phase and worry about doing anything different from the start of our relationship. I figured that's when we had the most fun and were the happiest.

Maybe there is a mental barrier. I don't know if I'd go as far as needing counselling. Is there anything I can do myself to break out of my comfort shell?

Honestly? I think stop overthinking it!

Don't second guess your emotions or what you should say and when. Follow your heart, as they say in the movies. Be yourself. Drop the "early days" shield and just act on how you feel. You're being too introspective here.