This feels really unfair

Isolt

My partner and I have an 11 month old baby. The week she was due he took a promotion in another county which meant there was uncertainty surrounding if he'd make it for the birth and it meant I was alone with a newborn all week. Not ideal but he felt it was important for career progression so we accepted it and we managed okay. He gave up the job after 4 months.
I was working until I became very ill during pregnancy. Once the baby was born we moved to a cheaper home and I stayed home to take care of her. This was working okay, we don't have lots of money but we're managing and the baby is doing great.
I thought we were both happy with this for now and I had been looking for part time jobs just to help out a little and in the hope that part time work wouldn't cost as much in childcare.
Then my partner drops another bombshell. He'd applied to university behind my back and was enrolling fulltime. He told me I'd have to get a job and keep the rent payments going.
So I got offered a job that he wanted me to apply to. It's for 25k and it's in another county so a 1.5 hour journey to and from each day. The issue is we live 30 mins from the train station. So for me to be at my desk at 7am means I need to leave home at 5am.
He's offered no help finding childcare, has never made a bottle in 11 months and sometimes goes out got benders and doesn't return all weekend.
I hope I don't sound lazy but it's not about me not working. I am happy working closer to home where less money is spent on childcare and travel. I even added up the expenses and showed him how what I'd be earning wouldn't cover it. And I'd never see our daughter! All for a decision he made without speaking to me.
Don't get me wrong I have applied for many jobs and I do contribute half the rent as it is. I am not freeloading or anything and never have done.
I was patient when he went behind my back and accepted the promotion the week our baby was due. I was patient and supported him financially when he dropped out of college twice before but this really had bothered me now.
Now I can't even bring up with topic with him or he says I'm holding him back and I can do what I want, to suit myself etc. But I can't suit myself, I can't be the only one trying to work out the childcare arrangements and the commute etc.
He gave up his job this week for college so now I haven't a clue where to get enough for rent.
I feel furious but he says I am being selfish and he's tired of me staying at home "playing with the baby".
Am I wrong to feel forced into this job that's in another county? And to feel let down by him. I don't drive by the way but I must definitely learn asap!

baby and crumble

To be frank with you, OP, he's way out of line. After a certain point in a relationship- regardless of having a child- you have to consider the other person in most of your decisions. Taking a job is a big deal, as is enrolling in college for a fulltime course. It sounds to me like he's completely freaking out about being a father and is just trying to "prove" that he's independent or young or whatever.

ManOfMystery

Your partner sounds selfish, totally out of touch, and totally unhelpful.

Any major decisions affecting both of you should be taken BY both of you - not by him deciding what's best, especially when he's obviously reverting to the old school method of thought where the mother minds the kids and the man goes out drinking or doing what he likes and never changes a nappy or does a bottlefeed.

So no, you are not wrong to feel forced into a job. Because that's the reality of the situation - you ARE being forced into it, by him giving up his current job without any proper discussion and with no idea where next month's rent is going to come from.

The question now is how to resolve this situation. Your partner obviously needs his eyes opened somewhat as to the realities of looking after a child and treating your other half with respect, but given that you've tried talking to him already, a civil discussion doesn't seem an option. Are you close to his family? Could any of them have a word with him?

Isolt

Thanks guys. And just to reiterate that I do contribute towards rent. He's just resentful that he has to go to work at all. Even if I get the baby settled he'll make noise and wake her. Total child.
His family have told him to cop on to himself and that full time college is a luxury etc and that he should look at part time options but he says we are all just trying to hold him back and told me to stop blackening his name to his family. Which I haven't done, but I'm not going to cover for him by sugar coating his behaviour either.

pookie82

Don't take that job. Tell him it makes no practical sense to include a 4 hour-a-day commute in with a small baby.

If he still whinges about you holding him back, tell him to go back to college, but you're over. Move out, and give him the baby for 3 nights a week to "stay home and play with" and inform him of his maintenance obligations. If he wants you to "suit yourself", then do, in every way.

There's no respect left here, no mutual decision making and no maturity. You're in a relationship with a spoilt brat.

baby and crumble

Isolt wrote: »

His family have told him to cop on to himself and that full time college is a luxury etc and that he should look at part time options but he says we are all just trying to hold him back and told me to stop blackening his name to his family.

This bit jumps out at me. He is 100% acting like a teenager. He's blaming the world for his problems. He's not taking responsibility for his own behaviour, nor is he willing to see reality.

If I were you (and this is easy for me to say, I'll grant you), I'd be having a talk with him that says if he wants to go back to college then you're moving out, he's 100% on his own and that you'll be contacting him for his half of the maintenance for the baby. He'll soon see that he can't ave everything he wants, that he needs to step up and be a proper father. There are thousands of parents just like him that may feel that they're being "held back" but they still suck it up and look after their families because that's what being a responsible adult is.

Duvetdays

If you didn't have a baby I'd say leave him. To be honest my opinion would still be to leave him if he didn't get his act together. He has no respect for you and doesn't sound like he wants to be a father. On 25k a year after travel expenses and child minding fees you'd still barely have enough to pay the rent, bills and food on one wage.

Who will mind the child when your leaving the house at 5? It doesn't sound like he will. Are you to drop it at the child minders at 5am and collect it on the way home?

I know it's hard with any relationship but especially when a child's involved but I'd be seriously revaluating my relationship with him. Have you a good family network to help you out or that you can rely on?

Your his partner and the mother of his child but he shows you zero respect.

And for what's its worth I don't know how you didn't punch him when he made the comment about you staying at home playing with the baby all day.

readyletsgo

pookie82 wrote: »

Don't take that job. Tell him it makes no practical sense to include a 4 hour-a-day commute in with a small baby.

If he still whinges about you holding him back, tell him to go back to college, but you're over. Move out, and give him the baby for 3 nights a week to "stay home and play with" and inform him of his maintenance obligations. If he wants you to "suit yourself", then do, in every way.

There's no respect left here, no mutual decision making and no maturity. You're in a relationship with a spoilt brat.

This! A 1000 times over!

Sounds like you'd better off without him. Could you move home or anything like that? He'll love being single for a bit but then realise what's he's lost pretty quick.

iusedtoknow

it's sounds like you have your plate full.

This guy does not sound like a father or a partner - i think you need to really evaluate how much you want this guy's influence on your child. A 4 hour round trip commute would be difficult for anyone (i know people that do it) and especially bad when you have an 11 month old that's reliant on you and taking a lot of your mental energy AND a man child that refuses to step up into his obligations.

It seems like you need a plan b. To maybe leave, stay with family or a friend until you can get things together yourself. One of the suggestions above was to leave him with the child 3 days a week....bad idea. You want/need what is best for your baby - and that isn't it. With the sounds of it, you'll probably have a fight on your hands for maintenance from him - but it would be a worthy one, and no judge would deny what your "partners" responsibilities are.

whatever you decide, i wish you the best.

Dial Hard

How old is this guy? He sounds totally feckless. Hasn't made a bottle in 11 months. Packed in the promotion after 4 months. Off to college now. How long will that last? Til he realises he has to put a bit of effort in?

Seriously, OP, you have two children here, not one.

Isolt

No not me but seems the general consensus there is that long travel hours and a baby don't work well in the long run.

I just wanted to get some outside opinion on it and to make sure I'm not being inconsiderate of his needs before I have a serious word with him.
I think the space idea is good though! I will give him space to figure out what it is he actually wants.

fits

Isolt wrote: »

No not me but seems the general consensus there is that long travel hours and a baby don't work well in the long run.

I just wanted to get some outside opinion on it and to make sure I'm not being inconsiderate of his needs before I have a serious word with him.
I think the space idea is good though! I will give him space to figure out what it is he actually wants.

Space me arse. You need to give him a talking to or dump his ass.

ManOfMystery

Giving him "space" = he gets a few weeks with no earache. He'll love it.

As said, it's time to have a serious talk or else make big changes.

Taltos

Mod Note
I've just removed two threads linking to another thread from a different unreg user. Please don't do this as posters who go unreg do so for a very good reasons.
However to this thread making such links, even incorrectly only serves to potentially pull the issue at hand off topic as the advice to the OP maybe swayed by a separate issue from someone else.

Thanks
Taltos

Isolt

Isolt wrote: »

The week she was due he took a promotion in another county which meant ... I was alone with a newborn all week ... He gave up the job after 4 months.

He'd applied to university behind my back and was enrolling fulltime. He told me I'd have to get a job and keep the rent payments going. ...
for 25k ... for me to be at my desk at 7am means I need to leave home at 5am.

He's offered no help finding childcare, has never made a bottle in 11 months and sometimes goes out got benders and doesn't return all weekend.

I was patient when he went behind my back and accepted the promotion the week our baby was due. I was patient and supported him financially when he dropped out of college twice before

he says I'm holding him back and I can do what I want, to suit myself etc. He gave up his job this week for college so now I haven't a clue where to get enough for rent ... he says I am being selfish and he's tired of me staying at home "playing with the baby"

Honestly OP, it sounds like he's the one holding you back. You would literally be better off without him and he clearly seems to expect you to carry him.

Can you imagine what it will be like when you're doing that commute, working all day and then being the only one taking care of the baby at home?

Would it be possible for you to stay with friends/family for a few weeks until you can get on your feet? You can't take this job, the rent is due and he clearly doesn't give a cr@p about anyone but himself!

via4

Wow how selfish is he? Thats shocking. It sounds like he resents the fact that you stay at home but that is ten times harder than working at last at work you get a break! I would not take that job and explain firmly to him that he has to think logically now he is a father and he is being so selfish. Fair play to your family for telling him to cop on.

CaraMay

I'm absolutely shocked by this. Op you are in a relationship with a man-child and a total me feiner. Where's he getting the money for the college registration fees?

Do you know where he is when he bails for the weekend? Any chance he is seeing someone else op and trying to force you to dump him?

Isolt

No I'm fairly certain he's staying in his friends manky 1 bed college flat as the weekend generally follows the pattern of : status on facebook from the pub followed by pictures of shots, followed by drinking back in the house and then when they wake up they open more beer and post that on facebook too. Ugh.

Thanks for all the input. I'm gonna have to get firmer and more assertive. You guys have helped immensely by verifying that I should feel upset by this. You are total strangers and you still think he's acting the eejit so that's good enough for me!

charlietheminxx

I would honestly cut your losses OP. He's not a partner or a parent. He's a user. If you have family to go home to, I would pack up and go home.

Tasden

pookie82 wrote: »

Don't take that job. Tell him it makes no practical sense to include a 4 hour-a-day commute in with a small baby.

If he still whinges about you holding him back, tell him to go back to college, but you're over. Move out, and give him the baby for 3 nights a week to "stay home and play with" and inform him of his maintenance obligations. If he wants you to "suit yourself", then do, in every way.

There's no respect left here, no mutual decision making and no maturity. You're in a relationship with a spoilt brat.

I'm sorry, maybe you were just making a point as opposed to a genuine suggestion so apologies if you were! But just in case- this doesn't seem like a viable option in this case.

If he's not helping her now he's definitely not going to take the baby alone 3 nights a week and the op can't force him to. Its all well and good saying he's responsible for the child etc, but speaking from experience the advice to just "give him the baby so he knows what its like" is so infuriating because you cant just dump a baby he doesn't want (to care for i mean) on him in order to prove a point, its not right by the child and tbh its not like he has any experience in caring for the child so i doubt op would want to anyway.

And maintenance- if hes going back to college full time I'm assuming he is being funded some way? A grant or something? If so then op will get f all maintenance if he can show he can't afford it.

Im not saying op is better off staying with him or anything of the sort but as a single parent who had constant advice from people, who in fairness were trying to help, about "let him do what you do every day of the week/get him to pay his share" etc. its not always that simple and sometimes its just easier and better for the childs well being and hapiness to not try fight a losing battle with an idiot.

Calhoun

Isolt wrote: »

No I'm fairly certain he's staying in his friends manky 1 bed college flat as the weekend generally follows the pattern of : status on facebook from the pub followed by pictures of shots, followed by drinking back in the house and then when they wake up they open more beer and post that on facebook too. Ugh.

Thanks for all the input. I'm gonna have to get firmer and more assertive. You guys have helped immensely by verifying that I should feel upset by this. You are total strangers and you still think he's acting the eejit so that's good enough for me!

Reading your first paragraph as a father makes me quite angry that he thinks its ok to just up and dissapear on the weekend.

I am more concerned with your second paragraph that you think there is talking to someone like this. I would cut my losses and leave him to his horrible room.

CaraMay

Getting firmer isn't going to work op. This guy has no conscience and is incredibly selfish. Kick him out as he's a hindrance rather than a help. He's treating you like cr@p.

Shemale

Pack your stuff up and find yourself a man.

He goes out all weekend and then wants you to get a job so he can go back to college and has never made a bottle, he is a waste of space.

I would boot my wife out and keep my son if she wasn't doing her share with him, that is without the drinking and demanding you go to work, he is a useless sponge.

Really makes my blood boil when useless scumbags have kids :mad:
:mad:

strandroad

OP is this happening in Ireland? It's just so bizarre! He's unbelievably entitled and disloyal. How will he finance his drinking escapades now, I wonder?

I don't think you can count on any future with him to be honest, you may want to start making plans for yourself and the baby.

frostyjacks

I wouldn't even describe this guy as a father. You're basically a single mother living with the sperm donor.

I was going to say to give him an ultimatum, but if the penny hasn't dropped after 11 months it never will. Move back into the family home till you get back on your feet. Your baby deserves better than this.

Ursus Horribilis

You mentioned in the first post that he has already dropped out of college twice. That, combined with this new predicament, suggests to me that he's the sort of person who cuts and runs when things don't go his way. How long did you know him before you had the baby. Was it planned?

He doesn't appear to have thought this through at all. Not from the practicalities point of view anyway. All he seems to be thinking of here is him. You mentioned that you can't drive either. So who's going to pay for the driving lessons you'll have to take? The insurance? Someone sitting with you in the car while you've a learner permit. Who's going to mind the baby while you're on the train and collect it from the childminder

My advice to you is to stand your ground and don't take that job. You'd just be playing into his hands. He just wants to go back to playing at being a young man with no commitments and doesn't care that he has a partner and a child that he should be supporting. You've got to wonder is staying with someone who appears to be so intrinsically selfish a good idea? It's possible that the stand off may lead to you splitting up but I've a feeling your relationship is doomed anyway. He's not what either of you want as a partner or as a father. Would life really be better if you're trying to raise a family with a disinterested father and one who only thinks about what suits him?

osarusan

OP, there's nothing holding him back except himself and his own laziness and entitlement.

There's nobody blackening his name except himself and his own selfishness.

This guy needs to face up to his responsibilities.

mapaca

Don't let him push you into taking this job, it sounds completely impractical. He needs a reality check. Making big life decisions without consulting you, and then going out on the beer whenever he feels like it - these are not the actions of a loving partner and father. You and your child deserve better than him.

pookie82

Tasden wrote: »

I'm sorry, maybe you were just making a point as opposed to a genuine suggestion so apologies if you were! But just in case- this doesn't seem like a viable option in this case.

If he's not helping her now he's definitely not going to take the baby alone 3 nights a week and the op can't force him to. Its all well and good saying he's responsible for the child etc, but speaking from experience the advice to just "give him the baby so he knows what its like" is so infuriating because you cant just dump a baby he doesn't want (to care for i mean) on him in order to prove a point, its not right by the child and tbh its not like he has any experience in caring for the child so i doubt op would want to anyway.

And maintenance- if hes going back to college full time I'm assuming he is being funded some way? A grant or something? If so then op will get f all maintenance if he can show he can't afford it.

Im not saying op is better off staying with him or anything of the sort but as a single parent who had constant advice from people, who in fairness were trying to help, about "let him do what you do every day of the week/get him to pay his share" etc. its not always that simple and sometimes its just easier and better for the childs well being and hapiness to not try fight a losing battle with an idiot.

Completely take your point on board, Tasden, I suppose my post was half wishful advice and half making a point of what a d*ck he is and what should be done with/to him.

Let's look at it like this - he does absolutely nothing with the child anyway, or contributes money. So I can't see how the OP would be any WORSE off without him. In fact, owing to the fact that he sounds like a second child himself, she might find it a relief, following the initial heartbreak.

Maybe she won't get much in maintenance but it sounds like even that would be more than what she's getting off him now - nothing! Of course he can't be forced to take the child for a few days but I guess it'd be my (disillusioned, maybe?) hope that he'd want to take it himself now and again once he's been away from it a while and realises what he's missing.

CaraMay

Isolt wrote: »

No I'm fairly certain he's staying in his friends manky 1 bed college flat

Op the more I read the more I doubt this. He wants you out of the way for 12/13 hours per day as well. The 1st weekend he disappeared you should have kicked him out. He has a small child and gave up work after 4 months? You've been letting him away with murder. Is this the example you want to give to your child? That adults don't work, disappear for days at a time and don't discuss major life decisions. Your child will grow up seeing it's dad treating it's mum like a doormat. It's your choice

pookie82

OP I would add as well ... it's of course not easy to leave a relationship when there's a child involved and if you love him, which you probably still do.

BUT ... think about your own psychological well being here. I used to be in a relationship which was really bad for mine and it's only now, with time and distance, that I realise how worn down, frustrated and exhausted it left me mentally. Same kind of bs really - an inability to "grow up", always trying new projects and avenues and never quite sticking at them, forsaking any income in the meantime, and if I complained about this I was a "nag" and holding him back. Who cares if we don't have enough to buy milk this month, I need to live my dream and you're holding me back etc. etc.

People like that rarely change, maybe they'll slowly grow up when they reach middle age, I don't know. Do you want to carry the "adult" can until then? Do you want him to prance around from course to course, job to job, sh*tting on about his ambitions while bringing in no money and failing to recognise that TWO of you are supposed to be raising a child?

When it gets to a stage where you're being told daily "YOU don't matter, I matter, shut up and leave me at it and don't bother me about silly things like rent or food or childcare", it will wear you down to a shadow of yourself.

Tasden

pookie82 wrote: »

Completely take your point on board, Tasden, I suppose my post was half wishful advice and half making a point of what a d*ck he is and what should be done with/to him.

Let's look at it like this - he does absolutely nothing with the child anyway, or contributes money. So I can't see how the OP would be any WORSE off without him. In fact, owing to the fact that he sounds like a second child himself, she might find it a relief, following the initial heartbreak.

Maybe she won't get much in maintenance but it sounds like even that would be more than what she's getting off him now - nothing! Of course he can't be forced to take the child for a few days but I guess it'd be my (disillusioned, maybe?) hope that he'd want to take it himself now and again once he's been away from it a while and realises what he's missing.

Oh the op is definitely better off without him.

I was just kind of reminding her that it may not involve him sharing the responsibility/care for the child or extra money coming in from maintenance. That it may just be her minding the child 24/7 with no maintenance at all. And I'm not saying thats a bad position to be in, I'm in it myself, its just how it may turn out. That its not always as easy as saying "i wanna do things 50/50 and we're gonna share the responsibility" because if he doesn't want that then theres not a whole lot that can be done about it unfortunately.

He could very well cop on and help out and want to be involved in co parenting, and that would be great, but he may just end up being someone who takes the child on the odd occasion that suits him/he feels guilty/hes bored and that's all the "support" op will get and he wont learn a lesson or realise what hes missing. Maybe I'm being too cynical, I just know his type and how things have panned out in my own experience, and like i said before, everybody naturally says "show him what its like/make him do this/you deserve a break as well as him", but in reality thats not an option.

Neyite

Whether you choose to stay with him or not OP, one thing is blindingly clear from this thread: You and your baby are on your own.

He is no physical help to you in terms of parenting, and made the decision to be no financial help to you both either. In fact, he expect that not only will you get a job to support your baby but also to support him. Very few families have the luxury of being able to survive on one income. Even then its a considered decision made by both of you and so that one of you can be a stay at home parent to save on childcare fees or to give your child a stay at home parent. For starters, you will be highly unlikely to be able to afford the commute, creche or childminder fees, your rent and bills, AND to support a grown adult in a student existence on that kind of money.

He has checked out of family life with you, he's embracing a life of sessions and stumbling in the door drunk when you've been up half the night with a teething baby and work the next day. He's undependable for childcare as he goes AWOL and does not even have the manners to text his partner to let her know.

I went back to work when my baby was 11mo. It was hard and I shared the creche run with my partner. We shared all the sick days the baby had that first year with all the stuff they pick up in creche. My commute was fairly short. About 60 mins to an hour, and even that gives us no time in the evening to get dinner on, bath the child, do the bedtime routine and a quick whizz around to keep the place sorted.

You'll have all of this while doing your partner's laundry and dinners and he's off drinking the money that should be going into the family pot. You are unlikely to see any kind of maintenance. His actions are bound to eventually kill any residual feelings you have left for him, so you might as well rip off the plaster and get it over and done with before your child is of an age where they are overly affected by your split.

zeffabelli

You will not be able to carry this load. No one human can. That is the stark fact.

He had to shape up or ship out.

LegacyUser

Sounds like my EX husband....
Don't pander to him any longer. He's a waste of space and time, and a manipulative ,selfish individual also.
Did I mention he sounds like my EX husband.
EX.
Best of luck....

Ursus Horribilis

Sdnanuhtt wrote: »

Sounds like my EX husband....
Don't pander to him any longer. He's a waste of space and time, and a manipulative, selfish individual also.
Did I mention he sounds like my EX husband.
EX.
Best of luck....

Manipulative. Now there's a word that really applies to your partner. If you think about it, he's the one who is doing all the wrong here. Yet you're the one who's asking if you're being unreasonable. I suspect he has been manipulating you to some extent for a long time. You've tolerated an awful lot of selfish and loutish behaviour from the man who's supposedly your life partner and a parent. Is he behaving like this because he knows he can order you around and get away with murder?

It would not surprise me if this relationship ended even if you take this job. The callousness of his behaviour points towards someone who doesn't give two hoots about his family. That's why I asked was the baby planned? He didn't care enough about it to stay around when it was due and he doesn't seem to care much more now. To me his actions are those of someone who's edging his way towards the exit door. I'm wondering why he's still with you. Perhaps because he sees you as some sort of meal ticket?

Chemical Byrne

Op I would tend to disagree with post saying he needs to shape up or ship out or get his act together.

From what I read, this jerk is a pure and utter lout, a waster and a user and those sort of people DO NOT CHANGE....EVER!

This relationship sounds more hassle than it's worth. You will be better off and have a lot less worry by leaving him. As for the baby, they will be better off without this kind of crap influence.

aaakev

Op what age are you both? This guy sounds like a pure waist of space

Taltos

Mod note
CB I've removed your question as it's borderline here and not what we expect to be honest.