Girlfriend issue with female friend

Makapakka

Op this is not healthy. I think you know yourself it isn't right or you wouldn't have come looking for advice. I think you need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend. this isn't normal. You have to tell her that you are not cutting contact with your friends (it really stood out to me about how you are to ignore one of your ex friends if you saw her in the street) and that she either has to trust you when you tell her there is nothing going on or you're going to have to end things here. This could end up worse if you continue to listen to her unrealistic wishes. I really hope you take heed of some of the advice here. Good luck

LegacyUser

OP, you are being controlled by your GF. If you're OK with this then your life will be determined by what she decides and your future is out of your own hands.

Personally I'd walk away from such a person.

Eeden

JosephG wrote: »

... no contact at all with one friend, (including no acknowledgement if I/we meet her around town) ...

This is one part that stands out to me. You're not supposed to acknowledge your friend if you meet by accident!? This is just crazy stuff.

Colser

OP ..Can you honestly say that your friends arent a little possessive of you (for want of a better word).Im not saying that your girlfriend is right but Ive seen this kind of thing play out.I remember years ago me and my oh met his ex in town.She asked how he was getting on with his mother and I said "Sure they get on great" and she looked at me and said "Well there was a time..."
He noticed nothing but I knew there was a dig there and even though that was over 20yrs ago I instantly hated her:(when the box of presents were sent to him that Christmas it bugged me too.Again he thought nothing of it but I have to say there was a part of me that wanted her to f off but I kept my mouth shut.
All Im saying is that things an play out that men genuinely dont notice.

I have to say that the bronzed shoes and that bit of the txt about her having her phone with her are a bit ott in my opinion.
I genuinely dont know any of my female friends who wouldnt bat an eyelid if their partner was meeting up for lunch and regularly txting/phoning a female friend (that they see every day in work).
I know that it sounds right to say that your partner is completely wrong here but I think there may be more to it.
Finally she has stuck to her guns and you know this wont change so if you honestly believe that she is making a fuss about nothing then leave her for both your sakes.

GunnerBlue

Eeden wrote: »

This is one part that stands out to me. You're not supposed to acknowledge your friend if you meet by accident!? This is just crazy stuff.

This. How do people put up with this kind of nonsense?

Realistically, I think you know what you should do, and dumping all your female friends isn't it.

LegacyUser

tara73 wrote: »

I strongly doubt from all the posters here shouting she is completely wrong, insecure, controlling, if this happened to them, most wouldn't like having their partner this close/emotional contact with the opposite gender like you describe it.

So when they start dating you think people should just dump their friends? One my best friends is guy I went to college with. We've gone traveling around the world together and text/call each other all the time and he's had a few girlfriends (and I boyfriends) during that time. He lives in another country to me so when I visit I always stay with him, usually on the couch until he moved to a bigger place with a spare room.

He had one girlfriend who sounds exactly like the OP's GF. He decided to agree to her demands and she very quickly moved on to his male friends who she didn't like and pretty much reduced his friends down to a handful of people she approved of. We, his friends, were all really worried about him but it was his relationship so we didn't speak up. It of course didn't last and it took him a long time to rebuild some of the friendships he'd damaged. His now GF (soon to be wife) is totally different, we get on like a house on fire and two of us regualerly meet up without him. I still do things with my friend that is just our things - we have diner together every April to celebrate when we finished college for example, we've never invited partners along. This was one of the things the ex went nuts about but his GF has no issue.

My OH has no issue with my friendship with any of my male friends and he has female friends and I've never had an issue with that, why would I, I trust him. I just don't understood the mentality somepeople have about having friends of different genders, it just strikes me of immaturity. Any of my male friends there is zero romantic attraction and I've only ever had one friend try and hit on me and that was actually a lesbian friend. Think people have watched too many movies about friends pinning after each other.


OP you've really only two choices do what she demands or end the relationship. I know what I would chose but it's your relationship.

Sound Bite

if your girlfriend had an issue with just one of your female friends, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt but it's not just one it's been 3 and it will be every female friend you ever have.

A counsellor is impartial and that fact that she refused to take on board the advice of an independent person who had heard but sides of the story indicate that she has no ability to compromise and believes it's her way or now way.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life being the one in the relationship that compromises and makes sacrifices on every issue. she doesn't seem to respect your point of view at all.

strandroad

CaraMay wrote: »

Tara what's inappropriate about him have platonic female friends? Is it not his choice to back off from these friendships and not hers? Your attitude is frankly quite archaic and worrying

Look at the amount of time and the dedication OP has for this friend and multiply it by three... Constant "good morning" texts, the bronzing of the shoes, the practice of discussing his relationship, their meeting schedule, the visits at home... and that's just one of them!

I agree that his gf's demands sound very unresonable but he must have driven her up the wall with his posse. They are probably better apart.

CaraMay

Do you really think he was texting good morning to the girls he was working with? Most of those conversations would hand taken place during work hours. What right has she to tell him who to talk to? She sounds nuts

retro:electro

Does she have any close female friends? Ask her how would she feel if you asked her to eliminate them from her life one by one for no other reason than they made you uncomfortable. I can guarantee you she would not have it. What the hell does it matter if your friends happen to be girls? Friends don't have to be gender specific. They were there a long time before she came along and if anything were going to happen with any of them Im sure it would have hapoened by now. I think you're mad to let her control you the way she is. She has cut you off from your support group and your closest friendships. She is controlling you. You are obviously not happy in the relationship. Get out now before you lose anyone else.

JosephG

So as an update - we spoke extensively last night. I explained to my gf how despite my discomfort, I had prioritized WE over me and tried to reassure her by either cutting contact or withdrawing contact from the three female friends. I also explained that all I require here is some compromise to ease my discomfort and not alienate any more people. She explained that her discomfort is acute and she is not willing to move - she does not accept that I should have any female friends - two of them I work with and coffee with them is not acceptable. Phone calls and texts would have to be kept to an absolute minimum. She has always suggested that me having any female friends is abnormal - but having male friends is fine. I tried to explain that for me, friends are not gender dependent. The friend I cut contact with was pals all my life, the other one was a friend since I was 5 and the new focus of attention has been a pal for nearly 10 years.

So I am in a quandary - I love this girl deeply, have made (IMO) many sacrifices to try and keep her happy and thus keep the relationship going.. I really want her to engage in some compromise, to listen to my needs, to help us together to build a relationship for the future. I am scared that the demands will continue - that she'll fall out with other friends and I'll then be forced to abandon them. I am scared that my life going forward will be one of controlled ultimatums. I am not trying to break this girl down, I am trying to avoid a break up and/or a future mental breakdown for myself. I am willing and ready to sit down and negotiate boundaries that work for both of us.. Her stance is that she told me all this before we got back together and know I'm backtracking - I have tried to explain that while I did agree, I have found it very hard to continue on such an extreme path, one where I can't freely sit and have coffee with a friend/work colleague uptown.. I very very rarely if ever meet outside of work hours, I really only spend time with my gf or my male pals.. I'm concerned about what to do - I don't want to lose her.

Penny Tration

Joseph, she's not willing to compromise. She has very clearly told you that.

So it's a choice - friends and freedom, or her.

If she loved you, she wouldn't be refusing to compromise or consider your feelings.

MagicMarker

Time to cut the cord.

CaraMay

Why did ye break up?

I think you are beginning to see the wood for the trees. Good friends are very hard to come by. This is all before you are even living together. It will get to the stage that you have x minutes to get home from work each day and if you are even 1 minute late there will be hell to pay.

She's incredible (and not in a good way).

I'm sure your friends and family are very worried about you.

Confucius say

Did you actually ask her why you're not allowed have these friends? What is her justification of her demands?

osarusan

I think what she wants is unreasonable, and what you want is absolutely reasonable.

Her view of male-female friendships is very skewed and basically abnormal. Either she doesn't know that, or, more likely, doesn't care. She wants what she wants, and what you want isn't even considered.

As you said, there is a real danger that life in the future will be a series of ultimatums without compromise.

If it were me, I'd honestly be breaking up with her. That kind of controlling behaviour is completely disrespectful and I wouldn't want to be in the relationship any more.

teggers5

Has your girlfriend any positive traits? I am struggling to see why you are with her. If she's this controlling now what is she going to be like if you move in together? You'll be lucky to see the light of day!

LegacyUser

JosephG wrote: »

So I am in a quandary - I love this girl deeply, have made (IMO) many sacrifices to try and keep her happy and thus keep the relationship going.

OP sometimes we just have to admit that we can love someone but are unable to be with them.

Look at what you've just written and ask yourself has she done the same for you or would she be willing to do the same if you asked. A relationship is about working together not one person making scarifices for the whims of the other. It shouldn't be about trying to keep one person happy, you should be able to be happy as people and as a couple. Look long term and ask yourself how long you're going to be happy staying with this girl.

There are plenty of threads on here about partners being uncomfortbale with a friend - sometimes an ex or someone that a seems very close and sometimes there is good reason for the issue and sometimes its uncalled for but here she's told you you aren't allowed have any female friends, ever! Calling you abnormal for having them in the first place. Is that really the kind of person you want to make all these scarifices for? What happens when she decides you shouldn't have certain male friends because she doesn't like them? how far are you really willing to go?

I've female and male, gay and straight, trans and csis friends - some are mutal friends with my husband some are not, some my husband out right hates but never tells me I can't be friends with them, just as long as I don't force him to be friends with them and vice versa. A healthy partnership is about working together not one partner breaking themselves for the other.

fits

oP has posted extensively about this abusive realationship already ( under a different username). He is unwilling to take any advice in my opinion.

deisemum

She's not going to compromise, she's told you this a number of times yet you've still got your head in the sand hoping she will but she wont. She's not going to change, her type don't. Your family and friends must be worried but know you don't want to hear it.

Taltos

Mod note
Closing thread.
We have repeated posts many of which were removed claiming the OP has posted on this before.
This is not the way to raise a suspected issue. Instead this is considered off topic and should result in mod action on that post.

Instead report the post/thread and ideally include a link to the thread you suspect a thread to be a repeat of.

Due to the overwhelming posts advising the OP to do the one thing and the overhead of dealing with the off topic posts we are going to go ahead and close this thread now.
OP, we've no idea if you are the same poster as before, if not apologies your thread has been pulled off topic but please do re-read the posts advising you here.

Thanks
Taltos