Boyfriend and his girlfriends

ManOfMystery

sup_dude, for all your defence of this guy, surely you have to admit that there comes a point when a line has to be drawn. And that line shouldn't be crossed. It's the line that separates a platonic friend from a girlfriend/boyfriend, f**kbuddy, or whatever. There are certain behaviours you just don't do, and certain things you just don't say when it's a platonic relationship. If you don't have that line, then what - do people just behave any way they like round someone in a relationship or who they're meant to be 'friends' with? That's just not feasible.

Where you personally draw the line may a bit higher than some of the others in this thread, but the point stands. If this guy is in a relationship with someone, he has to accept that regardless of whether he's been hanging out with these friends for 10 years or 10 days, their behaviour may not be appropriate. And whilst he is the one in the relationship and not them, he is nonetheless encouraging and enabling their behaviour by failing to acknowledge that it's hurtful to his partner.

Is the OP expecting too much? Everyone has their own opinion on that, but the majority consensus here seems to be that he's feeding his ego and that is coming at the expense of the OP's feelings.

Exclamation Marc

sup_dude wrote: »

Not if you look at it from their point of view. They've been friends with this guy for ten years or so. I would imagine in that time you'd pick up behaviour patterns. Then this girl who your friend has only been going out with for a few months has decided it's not acceptable and is making your friend change how he has behaved around ye for the last ten years, just because she is uncomfortable.

If any new partner of any of my friends (male or female) told me and the rest of my friends how he/she are now expected to behave, alarm bells would be ringing everywhere.

I do see where you're coming from and I'd genuinely be the exact same in the sense that if someone rocked in and started demanding this and that behaviour I'd be wary too and my alarm bells would be pounding never mind ringing.

But if I had a habit of say slapping a single female friend on the bum and being touchy-feely with her on nights out, making out that I wanted her, the second she had a boyfriend I'd stop doing it out of respect for both her and him. I would never stop doing the non-platonic things like meeting for an ice cream or cinema or harmless things, but anything that could be considered past the line of platonic, I would stop straight away.

Potatoeman

Manufactured Miracle wrote: »

Does it not say something about his calibre of "friends" that they know they're doing something that makes his gf uncomfortable and keep doing it despite it being completely unnecessary and disrespectful to his gf.

The line is very subjective. Ask any guy that has dated an attractive woman with male friends.

Saipanne

cray-cray all day wrote: »

Hi. Both parties in our late 20s here. I have been seeing a guy for a few months now, and I’ve come to realise that he doesn’t seem to really hang around with any guys. He exclusively hangs around with women and they all seem to worship him. I remember meeting his friends for the first time at a festival we all went to, there were about 8 of us in total there, and I realised he had slept with 4 of the girls there that night, excluding me, and some stage over the last 5 – 10 years. One was an ex girlfriend, they went out for years, the others had at some stage confessed their love for him, but he sees them all as just friends. None of this made me feel particularly special!

I’m really thinking of walking away at this stage, the whole thing unsettles me. One in particular, hits on him every time we go out and we are drinking. I’m supposed to be cool with that because “that’s just the way she is”, and she hits on everyone when she’s drunk.

He’s very good looking, and all these women seem to just swoon for him and hang on his every word and whim. The way they act around him and just the substance of their relationships just doesn’t seem real to me. It seems like all of them would go out with him given half a chance, and they’ve all tried it on at some stage. Often he'll go out to dinner with one of them, just the two of them. I never even do that with my girlfriends never mind opposite sex members! Can these friendships really be real?

I have a few male friends but they all know their boundaries, well not even boundaries but they are 100% platonic and they don’t seem to act any different around me as they would any other friend.

I just wish I could bring my girls out sometimes and meet up with him and a group of lads watching football or something, which is what any previous guy I’ve been with has been like.

I’m just unable to relax when he’s out with all those girls.

The other thread about female friends on this prompted me to write this, but it’s also got me thinking that I’m the crazy controlling one, as that’s how everyone is advising the other OP.

Can you please tell me if this is all right or wrong or what the hell it is?

I’m seeing a lot of red flags here, and I’m seriously considering just breaking up because already I’m starting not to trust him, and I’m not sure I want to be with someone who rarely sees his friends of the same sex. It also seems like he's missing out on the value of real friendships that aren't based on one of them fancying the other!
Or maybe I'm completely in the wrong here, I just don't know. Any opinions would be great to hear.

He may be doing no wrong, but i would go no further with this. I wouldn't feel comfortable either.

Confucius say

Potatoeman wrote: »

The line is very subjective. Ask any guy that has dated an attractive woman with male friends.

Can you expand on this? What would the guy say?

Ave Sodalis

ManOfMystery wrote: »

sup_dude, for all your defence of this guy, surely you have to admit that there comes a point when a line has to be drawn. And that line shouldn't be crossed. It's the line that separates a platonic friend from a girlfriend/boyfriend, f**kbuddy, or whatever. There are certain behaviours you just don't do, and certain things you just don't say when it's a platonic relationship. If you don't have that line, then what - do people just behave any way they like round someone in a relationship or who they're meant to be 'friends' with? That's just not feasible.

Where you personally draw the line may a bit higher than some of the others in this thread, but the point stands. If this guy is in a relationship with someone, he has to accept that regardless of whether he's been hanging out with these friends for 10 years or 10 days, their behaviour may not be appropriate. And whilst he is the one in the relationship and not them, he is nonetheless encouraging and enabling their behaviour by failing to acknowledge that it's hurtful to his partner.

Is the OP expecting too much? Everyone has their own opinion on that, but the majority consensus here seems to be that he's feeding his ego and that is coming at the expense of the OP's feelings.

Of course there's a line. Where that line is obviously depends on the person. However, the guy is not in the wrong just because the OPs line is lower. The OP has changed her story from her first post to the last one. What was a girl coming onto the boyfriend was what I see as relatively innocent behaviour. However, the OP has admitted she has a problem with his past and I don't think that anything the friends do will matter as it will be seen as a threat.

Manufactured Miracle wrote: »

I do see where you're coming from and I'd genuinely be the exact same in the sense that if someone rocked in and started demanding this and that behaviour I'd be wary too and my alarm bells would be pounding never mind ringing.

But if I had a habit of say slapping a single female friend on the bum and being touchy-feely with her on nights out, making out that I wanted her, the second she had a boyfriend I'd stop doing it out of respect for both her and him. I would never stop doing the non-platonic things like meeting for an ice cream or cinema or harmless things, but anything that could be considered past the line of platonic, I would stop straight away.

Clearly what the OP sees as platonic behaviour and what her boyfriend sees as platonic behaviour are two different things though. I wouldn't consider slapping a friends ass as platonic though, and that's not what's happening here

pookie82

sup_dude wrote: »

Or, she's sitting and socialising with his friends.

No, sitting there while his friend sits ON him. Come on.

Ave Sodalis

pookie82 wrote: »

No, sitting there while his friend sits ON him. Come on.

Yes, and? It's a bit immature, sure but means something more? Not necessarily. You have to bare in mind that that doesn't mean anything to some people, and that there's a high chance the OP is reading more into it than there is due to her issues with the idea of friends having slept with each other, no matter how far in the past it is.

Potatoeman

Confucius say wrote: »

Can you expand on this? What would the guy say?

You will usually have some guy that she thinks is a just a friend that is just waiting for an opportunity with her. Typically less attractive than her and always willing to do favours that her female friends wouldn't.

IvoryTower

Trust your boyfriend, if you don't like being around some of his friends then avoid them when you can. If you can't trust your boyfriend, well then you have a problem

Saipanne

Potatoeman wrote: »

You will usually have some guy that she thinks is a just a friend that is just waiting for an opportunity with her. Typically less attractive than her and always willing to do favours that her female friends wouldn't.

Not always. I had a female friend that was purely platonic. She got a new boyfriend and he was convinced I was trying to get her, but I really wasn't. His jealousy ruined our friendship, in the end.

Shame.

Potatoeman

Saipanne wrote: »

Not always. I had a female friend that was purely platonic. She got a new boyfriend and he was convinced I was trying to get her, but I really wasn't. His jealousy ruined our friendship, in the end.

Shame.

I didn't say every male friend.

WheatenBriar

I've only read the first post,so this thought may be out of date if they have broken up

Op,he is with you now,he has chosen you
I repeat he has chosen you now to be his partner, no one else
You are the winner in that respect

The measure of the man he is,shows by there being no bitterness between him and his ex's
Enjoy him,don't be stupid by dumping him over basically nothing

silverbolt

CaraMay wrote: »

I've friends who are exes and I wouldn't touch them with a barge pole now. Just seems in this country men and women can't be feiends and especially if they are exes. This makes no sense to me. If uou didn't like them as a person in the first place why did you date them?!??

My last ex had this problem and it was a HUGE one, she just wouldnt let go that i have friends who are female. My best friend is female, ive known her the guts of 20 years and never did anything with her. But nope still an issue. I honestly could never fathom it why it was such an issue.

cray-cray all day wrote: »

Hi again and thanks for replies. Well firstly to the person who asked what was wrong with going out to dinner – I guess I should have explained more. I personally wouldn’t ask one of my male friends that is in a relationship out to dinner like that, not just the two of us anyway. Maybe I’m old fashioned in all my 29 years but dinner like that was always something I done with a boyfriend, that’s just me though.

What other red flags? Well from getting to know him it seems like he goes from one girl to the next to the next and has been with tonnes of women over the years.

The thing is – these are the things people aren’t supposed to care about nowadays right? The past is the past etc? So this makes me an insecure wreck that doesn’t deserve him yeah? Why is it bothering me? These things didn’t bother me with previous guys. I think some posters may be right, that he constantly needs his ego stroked by women. It’s f**ked up.

No I’ve never seen this particular girl come on to him, not really, but they are very “handsy” every time they’re out. Constantly hugging or sometimes she’s even sat on his knee. This is a girl that he had some kind of thing with like 10 years ago, I think they just slept together a few times and nothing happened since.

How come when I'm around my male friends I never touch them? I'm never flirty or touchy feely or anything of the sort? I find it so bizarre that you'd carry on that way in front of your partner but he just seems to think that this is normal and that they're all very close.

I have actually brought this up with him, and he went and told his friends my concerns in a kind of “ohmygod you’re so controlling” way and now they all think I’m some crazy paranoid nutjob.

I don’t actually think I can go out with this guy anymore. On the plus side when we’re alone he’s amazing and we have a great time and everything is pretty much what I want from a guy but why he surrounds himself with these people I don’t know.

I am of the opinion that you just don’t sleep with your friends. If they are only friends they are only friends. I don’t have one person in my life that I have had any kind of relations with in the past right now. I guess I have to respect his way of doing things but I don’t think I can go out with someone like that.

I’m seeing him on Saturday and I think I might end it then, although he can be very persuasive and I think I may be in love with him.

Couple of things.

1. The dinner thing, i suppose its the context of it. Grabbing a takeaway and watching a movie is a lot different from say a candle lit dinner for two in an expensive resturant. It also depends on the reasoning. If for instance its along term friend who he/she doesnt see a lot then that would be understandable.

2. Sitting on the knee. Yeah you dont like that and thats fair enough he shouldnt be doing that.

3. He is not you. What i mean is just because you dont do something does not mean he doesnt or cant.

4. The handsy thing. Erm yeah i can see how that can be a problem especially if the female friends are more attractive than you or there is past history. It certainly should be toned down.

5. Its about the boundaries in the relationship. You dont have the right to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with (and if you tried Id say you would come out the loser in that regard) but you can put your expectations down. Its give and take, he has the right to his friends regardless of past status but at the same time he does not have the right to put you down by having doing everything bar riding him there and then.

6. I think its a territory thing with these women - he loves the ego stroking he gets and they are used to having him stoke their egos and having his attention. Now you are on the scene and naturally enough his attention is rightfully on you. So they are acting up (or they might be like that all the time i dont know) in order to essentially mark their spot.

7. The sleeping wtih friends thing. I guess that comes down to the people involved. In my younger days I'd slept with the majority of my female friends as ONS/FWB. When i dated this one woman she was fine knowing that and her condition was "dont talk about it with me and dont sleep wit them while your with me" Which was sound and easily done. You on the other hand dont like it. But you cant change whats happened. And if they are a close knit group of friends you cannot just come between them. So your options are accept it or leave.

8. Its clearly making you uncomfortable. If you cannot accept this (and its understandable why not especially as something tells me its being done deliberately) then your best bet may be to end the relationship. Its certainly not unheard of for groups of friends who have been around for several years to have bumped uglies at one time or another. If you cant deal with the fact that he has slept with some of them (and he has been with quite a high precentage and that is unusual) then for your own sake and sanity your better off out of it and leave them to it.

seachto7

I don't get this. American cultural crap seeping into Irish culture.

cactusgal

seachto7 wrote: »

I don't get this. American cultural crap seeping into Irish culture.

Not quite sure what the USA has to do with the OP's issue? At all?

OP, I think it's very odd that your boyfriend doesn't have any close male friends. My boyfriend is still friends with two of his exes, but I've no issue with this, bc everyone involved is respectful of boundaries. If he let one of his exes sit on his lap - forget it. It wouldn't happen (again, everyone involved is very respectful of each other), but if it did? No way.

Actions, OP. Actions are more important than words and intentions. Do his actions make you feel good, or sh*tty??

Merkin

seachto7 wrote: »

I don't get this. American cultural crap seeping into Irish culture.

Please read the charter. Unhelpful posts like this are well below standard.

Wait ... I'm not supposed to ask friends of the opposite sex to get food when either of us are in a relationship? What? That seems very controlling of a partner to ask that.

Anyway, I don't know- we're only hearing one side of the story, so we don't exactly know what the extent of the flirting is. As in, how much is real and how much she's exasperated it in her jealous mind.

Saipanne

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Wait ... I'm not supposed to ask friends of the opposite sex to get food when either of us are in a relationship? What? That seems very controlling of a partner to ask that.

Anyway, I don't know- we're only hearing one side of the story, so we don't exactly know what the extent of the flirting is. As in, how much is real and how much she's exasperated it in her jealous mind.

I dunno. Of I was dating a woman who was going around sitting on fellas laps she wouldn't last two seconds with me.

It's just not respectful.

zeffabelli

I dunno. I don't sit on my friends laps and they don't sit on mine either. I'd feel like a child and dumb.

Frankly it looks stupid.

My son is 8 and hadn't sat on my lap sine pre school.

This is just weird for adults. Boundary problem signal for sure.