Funny things your OH has said to you

Medusa22

Well, basically I'm talking about accidental insults, my OH is German and my god can she be blunt sometimes, other times she doesn't mean to insult me at all it just comes out the wrong way and I find it quite amusing to be honest

So I'll start off with a few

One time I wasn't feeling well and I was tired and she says to me ''I wish I could carry you up the stairs but you're too heavy''

Another time we were going to a heavy metal concert so we were going to wear face paint and I was wondering whether I'd put on foundation or not and she said to me ''there's no point in putting on make up today, you're supposed to be hideous'' :P

Another time I said to her ''I don't deserve you'' and she replied ''you deserve me''.

There have been so many gems but I've forgotten a lot of them, I should have written them down.

Sir Osis of Liver.

Sounds like ye deserve each other.

fleet_admiral

'I do'

Deathwish4

She was trying to get a small business off the ground so was putting flyers up on lamposts - that sorta thing. Anyway, a few days later she rang me from town in a rage and said that some clown was after putting an ad for the circus covering over her ad.

Still not sure she realises why i laughed so much.

Reiver

"Maybe we should just be friends."

Or

"Maybe we should see other people".

Or

"I'm gay"

The King of Moo

Was putting on the film Don't Look Now once.

She asked what the DVD was and I, holding the DVD by my side the front facing away from her, said:

"Don't Look Now."

"Come on, what's the film?"

"Don't Look Now."

"WHAT'S THE FILM!?"

"Don't Look Now!!"

"Just tell me, I'm tired!"

"Don't Look Now!!"

"Why is it a secret?, just tell me!!"

I think that at about this point I twigged our misunderstanding, cue chortling.

c_man

Funny things your OH has said to you

Who are you? What are you doing here?

TheNobleKipper

"I'm so glad we don't have to look at each other when we're having sex"

Thanks!

One eyed Jack

I'd just seen off a customer and the door was barely closed behind them when my wife commented -

"Your head was so far up his ass I could see your reflection in his glasses"...

Woke up one morning to -

"I'm sick of the sight of your face"


It's always when I least expect it :pac:

Gongoozler

My penis is bigger in Australia

Panthro

Go home Rodger

castletownman

"Do the dishes will ya?"

Menas

Waking up in the middle of a nightmare and she tells me that I scared her. What was I doing in her nightmare?

osarusan

"Get up you lazy scumberg."

She's not a native English speaker and thought it was scumberg, as in, a large, solid lump of scum, rather than scumbag. It kind of makes sense that way too.

She was pretty annoyed with me for lying in bed for so long, but all I could do was crack up laughing, which just made her more annoyed.

TheNobleKipper

Apparently I also look like an ostrich, because my wife likes to point this out every time she sees one on tv or in the zoo. I have a big enough ass and a tendency to get angry, so maybe she has a point.

http://itsfunny.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Funny-angry-ostrich-feathers.jpg

Sheep Lover

"Stop fu(king following me, ill call the guards"

Lisha

It won't hurt I promise.....

Nib

"Is it in yet?"

Cheers.

eamonnq

My other half has this annoying habit of starting every conversation with "Are you even listening to me?"

Whitewinged

Its strange you posted this medusa, i was just thinking about this because of something my husband said to me tonight.

"how can you be so smart one minute and so stupid the next?"

Its kinda true so i cant argue with that

NachoBusiness

Oh I'll never forget it. We were both naked and she says hey, how come we oh I love you what, then she said yeah ha and we laughed naked with no clothes on and stuff.

Okay, I've never met a woman, okay!

Mother Brain

My ex once came out with "did you know that if you were to cut off a dogs nose and 'unroll' it that it would cover an area the size of a football pitch?"

I blinked a few times and burst out laughing before i enquired as to how she had come across this curious piece of trivia.

No, no, it's true! She said. My ex told me.

Oh, you mean your ex that you always talk about being an ingenious wind up merchant who was always filling you full of ****?

Cue sheepish looks and a glowing red face..

I laughed and laughed and laughed!

Barely There

When we went to see Brokeback Mountain in Liffey Valley she asked the cashier for 2 tickets to Humpback Mountain.

Whitewinged

Oh another one he said to me before which he assured me was a compliment...

"Your really great at cooking mediocre dinners"

Wtf

Tasden

Whitewinged wrote: »

Oh another one he said to me before which he assured me was a compliment...

"Your really great at cooking mediocre dinners"

Wtf

I love those mildly insulting comments that someone genuinely meant as a compliment. Even funnier when they realise they said something insulting. Like when someone says your hair looks great now, and then follow it with "not that it didn't eh look well before.."

The Backwards Man

Tasden wrote: »

I love those mildly insulting comments that someone genuinely meant as a compliment. Even funnier when they realise they said something insulting. Like when someone says your hair looks great now, and then follow it with "not that it didn't eh look well before.."

Nothing inspires a bout of self consciousness like the words 'You smell nice'.

jimgoose

What gets on my nerves a little is, you come home from work and there's some technical issue. The exchange often goes like this:

Mrs. Goose: There you are! There's something wrong with the car/computer/fabtraption!

JG: Oh? What appears to be the trouble?

MG: The doohickey wobbles slightly, flashes twice, farts and then disconnects saying "Values of beta will give rise to dom!!"

JG: Hmm. Hard to say without connecting a gonkulator, but I'm thinking that could be...

MG: It's OK, I'm going to the shops later - I'll ask <some youngfella who couldn't find his own backside with both hands and God holding the flashlight but apparently did some sort of Fás course in 2007> - he knows about these things!

JG: Buh... !!

Ignatius in bloom

MG: It's OK, I'm going to the shops later - I'll ask <some youngfella who couldn't find his own backside with both hands and God holding the flashlight but apparently did some sort of Fás course in 2007> - he knows about these things!



Oh,Oh!

SnitchingBubs

Past instances where I professed to liking you were fraudulent

jimgoose

Ignatius in bloom wrote: »

...Oh,Oh!

Would that it were only that. The trouble is I then have to expend valuable time and energy explaining why the lad's impeccable logic is based on possessing only a hammer - and only one sort of hammer, at that - and that his theory that everything is therefore a nail is, with the best will in the world, deeply flawed. :pac:

Aisling(",)

On a night out before I was done up to the nines and my boyfriend hadn't commented on it.

So I decided about half way through the night to try and force a compliment out of him.

I asked him did he like my new dress and his response was "It'd be nicer if you were smaller".Que me standing there open mouthed as he drunkenly wombles off not realising what hes said.

Serves me right I suppose.

Penny Tration

Aisling(",) wrote: »

On a night out before I was done up to the nines and my boyfriend hadn't commented on it.

So I decided about half way through the night to try and force a compliment out of him.

I asked him did he like my new dress and his response was "It'd be nicer if you were smaller".Que me standing there open mouthed as he drunkenly wombles off not realising what hes said.

Serves me right I suppose.

Hmm. That seems more like him being a Cnut than saying something funny

Aisling(",)

Penny Tration wrote: »

Hmm. That seems more like him being a Cnut than saying something funny

If he hadnt been pissed I'd have said the same but he was completely oblivious to how it would sound.
I was sat with some of my friends who just gawped!

Menas

Aisling(",) wrote: »

On a night out before I was done up to the nines and my boyfriend hadn't commented on it.

So I decided about half way through the night to try and force a compliment out of him.

I asked him did he like my new dress and his response was "It'd be nicer if you were smaller".Que me standing there open mouthed as he drunkenly wombles off not realising what hes said.

Serves me right I suppose.

Stories like this should start out with '....my ex-boyfriend...'!!!

Barely There

Menas wrote: »

Stories like this should start out with '....my ex-boyfriend...'!!!

'He's dead now'.

Ignatius in bloom

Barely There wrote: »

'He's dead now'.

So she finally sat on him.

Medusa22

osarusan wrote: »

"Get up you lazy scumberg."

She's not a native English speaker and thought it was scumberg, as in, a large, solid lump of scum, rather than scumbag. It kind of makes sense that way too.

She was pretty annoyed with me for lying in bed for so long, but all I could do was crack up laughing, which just made her more annoyed.

Speaking of funny things your foreign OH says, I went to a party with my OH for 'Little Women's Christmas' and they usually have a singsong. We were in the taxi on the way home after the party and we were talking about the hostess and my OH says to me, ''oh you know how she is, she buggers you until you sing''. I just started laughing hysterically in the taxi and she looked at me bewildered, not knowing what she'd said. I then had to explain what buggery meant, and she had to laugh too, she'd meant to say ''bug you''

TheNobleKipper

Medusa22 wrote: »

Speaking of funny things your foreign OH says, I went to a party with my OH for 'Little Women's Christmas' and they usually have a singsong. We were in the taxi on the way home after the party and we were talking about the hostess and my OH says to me, ''oh you know how she is, she buggers you until you sing''. I just started laughing hysterically in the taxi and she looked at me bewildered, not knowing what she'd said. I then had to explain what buggery meant, and she had to laugh too, she'd meant to say ''bug you''

You can bugger me any time you know?

Medusa22

TheNobleKipper wrote: »

You can bugger me any time you know?

If you've seen my thermometer thread you should be afraid

TheNobleKipper

Medusa22 wrote: »

If you've seen my thermometer thread you should be afraid

I've followed it closely and counted 3 thermometers in your possession, but no mentioning if they can all be applied at the same time.

Ruu

'I love the sound of my fist smacking against your stomach'















It was just a bit of fun after a workout but if anyone else had heard that....

TheNobleKipper

An excited "Oh, do you want so see my ass crack?????"

Sure, why not.

Cupcake_Crisis

'If you were a pokemon you'd be snorlax'

Medusa22

OH is making dinner and asks me, "How much is a knob of butter?"

I reply "six inches"

TheNobleKipper

Medusa22 wrote: »

OH is making dinner and asks me, "How much is a knob of butter?"

I reply "six inches"

That would be some sad soft six inches though

FanadMan

Menas wrote: »

Waking up in the middle of a nightmare and she tells me that I scared her. What was I doing in her nightmare?

+1

Got the face ate off me for attacking her in a dream.......a dream she had.

Full.Duck

I was watching TV while my ex-OH was off pottering about in the Kitchen behind me. It was some David Attenborough show. At the time the OH was a little sensitive about her weight. All of a sudden a cute seals face is on the TV, whiskers, doe eyes, wet nose. Really cute. I turned around to her and said "Hey hey look, its you on the Telly" Just having a little joke. All of a sudden she starts crying. Bewildered i turn back around to see a HUGE manatee flopping up a beach. Took alot of explaining to do.