Is my girlfriend cheating on me?

paudy1000

I've never done this before. I think I need advice. I could just really need to get it off my chest.

Me and my girlfriend, together over 10 years. 2 kids.
A while ago we had one of her guy friends round. We got drunk, I went to bed.
Little while later, I thought I heard faint moaning sounds. I convinced myself something was going on.
I went down, opened the door onto him, the 2 of them standing by the door.
He ran out and got sick. I was told she was helping him coz he was about to get sick.
It took a long while for me to get over this, I saw messages between them. All seemed innocent. I took it on myself to give the benefit of the doubt.

Last night, I dropped her out to meet the girls at 8.30. I saw her walking away from the pub and texted to see where she was going. She said the girls were coming from another pub and she'd met them. I went home got kids to bed, fell asleep on couch..
Woke up at 11pm, plugged in an old phone upstairs before I went to bed. As it came on I saw she had sent a pic to one of her friends on messenger. I was curious but ignored, til it buzzed again with her friend saying 'i knew it the whole time, u look so cute together'.
I opened it then, she was with a guy she works with in his apartment. Drinking wine.
I was shaking, I watched some messages come and go. Then the conversation got deleted.
Again some more messages, then the conversation got deleted.
I called her out on it, I was told she was she in a different part of pub. I was fuming.
She was furious she thought I was snooping. She said its an ongoing joke between the friends that they are fooling around.
Today, I found out she never met the girls at 8.30 - she straight out lied to me and went to this guys apartment. She met the girls later, and was home by 4.
I think I believe her, I dont know if I can trust her, if as she says everything was innocent. Then I'm a fool to have this argument, I really do love her.
But what if its not? Last night I came across this by chance - has it happened before?
I'm sick to the stomach right now. I'm at work - with a knot. I dont know what to think or do. Any advice from anyone would be great?

LegacyUser

If all was so innocent, and she'd nothing to hide, why not tell you that she was heading to meet work colleague for a drink at his and then meeting the girls afterwards for a few.
Everyone should be allowed have friends of the opposite sex, it's the hiding and the lying I'd have a problem with.

As for the "ongoing joke thingy that they're fooling around "- that's just plain immature and inappropriate considering she's in a relationship and has children with you.

Full Marx

Sorry mate it sounds like she is cheating. Why would she lie about going to the pub? She is definitely hiding something. You want to believe here but I don't think you can unless you want to put your head in the sand.

OneOfThem

Definitely sounds ropey as fvck. Did she give any justification for lying and saying she was walking away from the pub to meet the girls on their way in when she was really calling round to this guys apartment? Did you ask her why she lied? Did you ask her why her friends told you she was in a different part of the pub when she wasn't in the pub? Even if she hasn't been cheating on you she's still lying to your face and having her friends lie to you on her behalf. What's her justification for this?

paudy1000

Yeah I know how it all sounds. Apparently it was unplanned. She didn't tell me in case of what i would think. And says she had 2 glasses of wine here before heading out. But she lied to me all night. I want to believe her..

Oh Paudy, my heart goes out to you. While you can't be full sure she's cheating on you, she's definitely lying and messing with your head.

A very frank and open conversation is what's needed here, preferably with a counsellor.

Penny Tration

You want to believe her, but how can you? She repeatedly lied to you.

As for her reason for not telling you - you wouldn't like it? So she knows full well that fcuking off to some bloke's house alone to drinks is wrong and chose to do it anyway.

I'd bet my wages that she's sleeping with him

paudy1000

Yeah I know, I really want to believe her, but I saw her walking away and lied to me about where she was going. 2 hours in this guys house drinking. She genuinely looks upset over this. And the crazy thing is, we had an argument yesterday afternoon where I was so pissed and offered her a get out of the relationship card (I've never done it before) - I basically said - if you want to break up or have a break let me know. So just a few hours later, she snuck off to this guys apartment, and didn't tell me in case of what I'd think. It was pure chance I found out, so I'd say she never would have expected it.. Thanks for your replies guys

diograis

Sorry to hear OP, you deserve better

OneOfThem

paudy1000 wrote: »

Yeah I know how it all sounds. Apparently it was unplanned. She didn't tell me in case of what i would think. And says she had 2 glasses of wine here before heading out. But she lied to me all night. I want to believe her..

Is there a history of you not liking her spending time with male friends/acquaintances? Like, if she had of told you she was calling round to the work colleague's house first for drinks another time, would you have taken big issue with that previously? Has there been similar situations previously, that'd mean she would feel like she couldn't just tell you what she was doing?

paudy1000

Thanks for the question! No not really is the answer! She's got guy friends, and girl friends - I'm not even a jealous guy normally. When I pushed on why she lied, she just says she doesn't know. And it wasn't planned, he lived near where I left her off. She swears nothing happened, but I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

c montgomery

paudy1000 wrote: »

Thanks for the question! No not really is the answer! She's got guy friends, and girl friends - I'm not even a jealous guy normally. When I pushed on why she lied, she just says she doesn't know. And it wasn't planned, he lived near where I left her off. She swears nothing happened, but I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

Sounds like it was planned and that she is indeed cheating on you.
I wouldn't say jealousy comes into this, it's natural to be curious where there are some warning signs.
There's no smoke without fire and sometime when your so close to something you can't think straight or think things out rationally often giving the benefit of the doubt.
It's clear to me from what you have said that she's messing you about.
Don't be made a fool of and take steps to protect yourself.

Canard

Not sure if anyone has already pointed it out, but if it was an innocent running joke I really don't see why she'd have been deleting the messages...looks a bit shady.

WheatenBriar

She may just have been stupidly keeping her meeting this work colleague secret because she was embarrased and always does stuff that way,this being the first time you picked up on it

Some people arelike that without the cop on to realise the mess they're creating

Hope this works out ok

paudy1000

Lads thanks a million. It's like you're reinforcing my fears. But I do think I'm being somewhat blinded.. It does sound planned - she denies this, says she just went to wait for the girls. Also I questioned why she was deleting the messenger, and she said she realised how bad it looked, so wanted to make sure no one else saw it. I think I'm secretly hoping someone says - it was all innocent ya big eejit- not looking like it's going to happen..

Penny Tration

What she's saying to you is this:

Yes, I lied to you.

I lied because YOU wouldn't like it.

I lied some more letting my friends think he and I are an item.

I went to a single man's house to drink when I was supposed to be elsewhere.

Then I deleted all of the proof.

Omg why can't you just trust me?!



That's what she's been telling you. You're not being paranoid, you're being taken for a fool.

R.D. aka MR.D

Penny Tration wrote: »

That's what she's been telling you. You're not being paranoid, you're being taken for a fool.

As someone who has been cheated on repeatedly in a relationship, this is important to highlight.

You don't want to face it but that's what it is.

paudy1000

Lads thanks for all the honest answers, like I said its really making it hit home. I really want to believe her, with 2 kids and all its going to be crazy. I slept on the couch last night, and still have the aching pit in my stomach today. We haven't properly spoken, just me shouting and throwing things, then getting texts to calm down (I'm always really calm, I can normally come to terms with things) Everytime I call her a liar and a cheat - she accepts liar - but wont accept cheat. Again maybe I'm being naïve, but honestly thanks guys for the smack I need

Penny Tration

Shouting and throwing things isn't going to help mate. Shouting and throwing things is only going to scare your kids and maybe scare her too.

She might not accept being called a cheat, but whatever happened, she has betrayed you. And she needs to accept that if you're going to move forward together.

paudy1000

You're right Penny - tbh - the shouting was a mere raise of the voice -and throwing, was a cup in the sink, the kids were upstairs at the time. (Think I was trying to make myself sound harder than I was)

zeffabelli

Canard wrote: »

Not sure if anyone has already pointed it out, but if it was an innocent running joke I really don't see why she'd have been deleting the messages...looks a bit shady.

Not saying it's the case here, but if your with someone who regularly has disproportionate reactions you can be in a dynamic where you hide everything even innocent things because either your afraid of the reaction or they've convinced you you are doing something wrong.

SterlingArcher

paudy1000 wrote: »

You're right Penny - tbh - the shouting was a mere raise of the voice -and throwing, was a cup in the sink, the kids were upstairs at the time. (Think I was trying to make myself sound harder than I was)

I don't think you're being too harsh being annoyed. Repression of that nature would be emotionally counter productive.

She admitted to lying to you only because she was caught, pure and simple. Remember this when believing her confession has any merit .

When asked why she lied and if she did in fact use the exact words " I don't know ". There is something more. Because "I don't know" is another lie in itself. which would lead me to believe there is more.

Either way,forgiveness is only deserving after one has truly come clean.

WheatenBriar

Seriously Paudy,theres a time and a place for that kind of anger and its not with kids in the house
Stop that before it escalates

If your wife is having an affair, wouldn't it have been better to gather more evidence?
Thats going to be harder now,whether it would have proved her innocent or guilty

You've got yourself into a right tizzy, cart before the horse here on this,thats going to be difficult to turn around

My advice now is,steady as you go and see what happens
Ask yourself do you want to stay together?
Could it be that you are naturally suspicious or possessive as the other poster said?
Think hard on that one as its not easy to self diagnose,maybe confide in a friend that knows you both,but wont go back to your wife
Best of luck

zeffabelli

I know it's hard but try to stay measured.

Right now you have no certainty of what is going on and you have strangers on the internet confirming suspicions based on partial data and zero clue of your relationship.

I would calm down and apologise for losing your temper.

Basically what it comes down to is this. She can present the facts. Ask her to explain the text message her friend sent her.... Who knows her friend might be egging her on or also jumping to conclusions.

Ask her who this guy is and how she knows him.

Find out is there something going on... Is she lonely... Is she cresting a distancing device... Is ghetto missing the attention of courtship... Maybe that's where the transgression ends...maybe it's playing with fire rather than actually being a fire if you get me....

Then when you get your data... You make a choice... To believe her or not to believe her but remain aware this is a concious decision. And then take it from there.

c montgomery

I think the questioning of op being naturally suspicious etc.. is counter productive after what we have learned. He clearly has a reason for being so and if anything is being relatively calm about the situation.

I would gather more evidence, try to get her phone to check for message/email/facebook/what'sapp. This is not something I would ever recommend unless the situation was dire which it is.
Depending on her phone you may even be able to check her recent location history seeing exactly how many times and when she visited this friends place.

What's your gut feeling OP? Cause whatever it is its probably right!!

Full Marx

I think the op shouting and tossing a cup into the sunk is perfectly understandable, it's not like he best her around the kitchen... You're not the person who needs to apologise.

Op what I suggest doing is sitting down with her and tell her that in order to move on you need complete honesty.

paudy1000

Lads again ... Thanks a million, this is really helpful. Ive never posted anything so personal before- so i am truly grateful.
I have had suspicious before with 1 other guy. But we talked a great deal at length, and I believed her.
WheatenBriar - thanks for the concern for the kids - but believe me, they dont even know theres an issue.
I probably did lose my mind the other night. I was going to bed at 11pm. Saw the messages, wasnt even going to open them, but then read a
suss one, and by 11.05pm I was honestly shaking. I think it was 11.10 I texted her. So I really did jump the gun. But I thought I had seen it all.
I can't even feel my gut right now - i swear its a black hole. Im literally sick to the stomach. I got a message saying
She lied to me because even though it wasnt the plan she didn't want to worry me because there was nothing to worry about.
Thanks a million guys - we will be talking properly today- and I'm pretty sure there will be tears!

zeffabelli

Full Marx wrote: »

I think the op shouting and tossing a cup into the sunk is perfectly understandable, it's not like he best her around the kitchen... You're not the person who needs to apologise.

Op what I suggest doing is sitting down with her and tell her that in order to move on you need complete honesty.

Yes it is understandable but it is intimidating and not going to inspire honesty.

An apology will soften the atmosphere so OP has a better shot at getting the truth.

You're not going to be honest if you fear punishment or don't feel safe.

Neon_Lights

OP she's running rings around you and abusing your kindness... She needs to make it up to you... So sleep in the bed... She can sleep on the couch ... She's been galavanting around while you've been doing the right thing... You gotta take care of yourself dude, so protect your interests ... While she may or may not be up to something you don't like, keep the backbone and stay strong ... Don't make things in anyway easy for her

retro:electro

What did you say to her op whe you text her after you saw the whatsapps? That was about 11:10 right? Yet she still waited out til 4 in the morning?? To be honest giving her all that time allowed her to concoct the perfect excuse; you should have just waited until she got home.

ManOfMystery

Doesn't look good buddy to be honest. Lying about where she is, deleting messages, friends posting things about her 'looking cute together' with another guy.

If it walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck .............

At worst, she's cheating. At best, she's lying and behaving totally inappropriately. She owes you at least an apology and explanation, if not much more.

Banana Ice

She's cheating on you, it's as simple as that. You need to break up with her but firstly I'd speak to a solicitor, are you on the children's birth certs as the Father? I'd also be asking for paternity teats to be honest. She is untrustworthy so you can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

Penny Tration

Banana Ice wrote: »

She's cheating on you, it's as simple as that. You need to break up with her but firstly I'd speak to a solicitor, are you on the children's birth certs as the Father? I'd also be asking for paternity teats to be honest. She is untrustworthy so you can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

I wouldn't do anything like asking for paternity tests just yet. Pull the trigger to make it go nuclear and there's no resolving it amicably.

I agree 100% that OP needs to quietly speak to a solicitor about all of this though, to know what he's facing.

WheatenBriar

By the way,do the people that were posting that they look cute together know you,of you or have they ever met you,or are aware of the kids?
Has your wife been keeping her work social life seperate from you always? If so how long for,and why?
I'd be asking her why
Something is not right about that if so anyway
Also something is very amiss anyway in your relationship if you think shes capable of an affair

I would like I said earlier, talk this through with a trustworthy friend op,or say your brother or sister if you have one?
It needs a fresh real life pair of eyes as youve started going down a dangerous path and in all fairness like similar threads here,the advice we give can't and shouldn't be treated as final
We only have a few posts to go on

amdublin

paudy1000 wrote: »

I've never done this before. I think I need advice. I could just really need to get it off my chest.

Me and my girlfriend, together over 10 years. 2 kids.
A while ago we had one of her guy friends round. We got drunk, I went to bed.
Little while later, I thought I heard faint moaning sounds. I convinced myself something was going on.
I went down, opened the door onto him, the 2 of them standing by the door.
He ran out and got sick. I was told she was helping him coz he was about to get sick.
It took a long while for me to get over this, I saw messages between them. All seemed innocent. I took it on myself to give the benefit of the doubt.

Last night, I dropped her out to meet the girls at 8.30. I saw her walking away from the pub and texted to see where she was going. She said the girls were coming from another pub and she'd met them. I went home got kids to bed, fell asleep on couch..
Woke up at 11pm, plugged in an old phone upstairs before I went to bed. As it came on I saw she had sent a pic to one of her friends on messenger. I was curious but ignored, til it buzzed again with her friend saying 'i knew it the whole time, u look so cute together'.
I opened it then, she was with a guy she works with in his apartment. Drinking wine.
I was shaking, I watched some messages come and go. Then the conversation got deleted.
Again some more messages, then the conversation got deleted.
I called her out on it, I was told she was she in a different part of pub. I was fuming.
She was furious she thought I was snooping. She said its an ongoing joke between the friends that they are fooling around.
Today, I found out she never met the girls at 8.30 - she straight out lied to me and went to this guys apartment. She met the girls later, and was home by 4.
I think I believe her, I dont know if I can trust her, if as she says everything was innocent. Then I'm a fool to have this argument, I really do love her.
But what if its not? Last night I came across this by chance - has it happened before?
I'm sick to the stomach right now. I'm at work - with a knot. I dont know what to think or do. Any advice from anyone would be great?

Sorry what is this messenger on an old phone that you can see her texts/conversations???


It doesn't sound good. She's lying to you. And you are spying on her texts?

Penny Tration

amdublin wrote: »

Sorry what is this messenger on an old phone that you can see her texts/conversations???


It doesn't sound good. She's lying to you. And you are spying on her texts?

It's an instant messaging app made by Facebook. You cannot log out of it, so if it was never uninstalled from the phone, messages will pop up as notifications (that you can read a line or so of without even opening the message).

iuil1999

The plugging in the old phone thing confused me too....why did you do that op?

Ignatius in bloom

iuil1999 wrote: »

The plugging in the old phone thing confused me too....why did you do that op?

Yes thats certainly the big issue.

ScottStorm

iuil1999 wrote: »

The plugging in the old phone thing confused me too....why did you do that op?

I'm not sure that's relevant.

amdublin

ScottStorm wrote: »

I'm not sure that's relevant.

Well it kind of is. Does the op regularly read his wife's messages or did he just out of the blue decide to plug in this phone by chance that night and by chance her messages came up????


What kind of phone does that??


It kind of gives a picture of the state of their relationship. One person is cheating and lying. The other spying. Which came first I wonder. Not that really matters, overall things are not looking great...

ScottStorm

amdublin wrote: »

Well it kind of is. Does the op regularly read his wife's messages or did he just out of the blue decide to plug in this phone by chance that night and by chance her messages came up????


What kind of phone does that??


It kind of gives a picture of the state of their relationship. One person is cheating and lying. The other spying. Which came first I wonder. Not that really matters, overall things are not looking great...

The op is not on trial here, there are any number of reasons that op may have charged up an old smartphone (they are quite powerful devices) perhaps his kids watch cartoons or play games on it.

What kind of phone does that? A smartphone that has been purchased in the past 5 years or thereabout.

Ignatius in bloom

amdublin wrote: »

Well it kind of is. Does the op regularly read his wife's messages or did he just out of the blue decide to plug in this phone by chance that night and by chance her messages came up????


What kind of phone does that??


It kind of gives a picture of the state of their relationship. One person is cheating and lying. The other spying. Which came first I wonder. Not that really matters, overall things are not looking great...

The fact that the phone had to be charged up maybe indicates that he is not the jealous kind all the time. Most people use Fb during the day when partners are separated by work etc so if he was the majorly jealous type some would have you believe you can be damn sure he would live beside that phone!

paudy1000

Thanks for the queries! Completely right tho. I use phones for work, this was an old one that she had previously logged in on. I charged it thinking I may need it the next day. Straight up the messenger app loaded. I wasn't snooping. And also, I've always believed she would never cheat on me. I just wanted an outside perspective. I won't let the posts here define what the outcome would be, as someone suggested either.
We have talked a lot. I'm getting no good reason for the lie, Other than it was easier than telling me the truth. Also she's adamant nothing happened. I think I believe this. But the lies have been told. They can't be taken back. Again lads let me say thanks. I will sit down during the week and speak to a real life friend too

Ignatius in bloom

paudy1000 wrote: »

Thanks for the queries! Completely right tho. I use phones for work, this was an old one that she had previously logged in on. I charged it thinking I may need it the next day. Straight up the messenger app loaded. I wasn't snooping. And also, I've always believed she would never cheat on me. I just wanted an outside perspective. I won't let the posts here define what the outcome would be, as someone suggested either.
We have talked a lot. I'm getting no good reason for the lie, Other than it was easier than telling me the truth. Also she's adamant nothing happened. I think I believe this. But the lies have been told. They can't be taken back. Again lads let me say thanks. I will sit down during the week and speak to a real life friend too

Best of luck Paudy. Take your time and make sure whatever decision you take is the right one.

StanleyOllie

You might be best to accept her now at her word. A trust had been broken but by the sounds of it she doest want to leave you or anything of the sort. You have 2 children and both sound like you want to keep the family together.
Maybe it's a wake up call to work a little harder on your relationship. We all probably need to try harder at times.
Go with your gut instinct and what is right for your family. Good luck... hope you have a happy future.

Backstreet Moyes

If you believe her and stay with her than surely you must insist she stops hanging around with him. I wouldn't normally suggest dictating who your partner is friends with but in this situation i would.

I think it's natural that anytime she is with him you are going to be insecure and it will cause hassle.

To be blunt if you stay with her give her the choice of your relationship or his friendship.

seenitall

If she weasels out of this one, just watch for the next time. There is going to be a next time, OP, because after all, they look so cute together.

What I mean by the above is that her friend's reaction, in a roundabout way, tells us a story of a person for whom their long-standing partner is probably only a slight nuisance in an otherwise exciting and "happening" love life.

And she's got you right where she wants you now, hasn't she?

Good luck with it all, anyway.

EDIT: Oh and I wouldn't be giving anyone any ultimatums unless you're well and truly prepared to follow through with them. Otherwise you'll only make yourself look like an even bigger fool. It's better to let sleeping dogs lie.

zeffabelli

seenitall wrote: »

If she weasels out of this one, just watch for the next time. There is going to be a next time, OP, because after all, they look so cute together.

What I mean by the above is that her friend's reaction, in a roundabout way, tell us a story of a person for whom their long-standing partner is probably only a slight nuisance in an otherwise exciting and "happening" love life.

And she's got you right where she wants you now, hasn't she?

Good luck with it all, anyway.

EDIT: Oh and I wouldn't be giving anyone any ultimatums unless you're well and truly prepared to follow through with them. Otherwise you'll only make yourself look like an even bigger fool. It's better to let sleeping dogs lie.

It doesn't tell us anything. Your friends will all have agendas, even unbeknownst to themselves, even if it's finding consolation in another person with a lonely or broken marriage.

We don't know enough to make any conclusions.

My grandmother used to tell me when I get married don't tell anything to my girlfriends about the marriage and don't listen to them either.

seenitall

zeffabelli wrote: »

It doesn't tell us anything. Your friends will all have agendas, even unbeknownst to themselves, even if it's finding consolation in another person with a lonely or broken marriage.

We don't know enough to make any conclusions.

My grandmother used to tell me when I get married don't tell anything to my girlfriends about the marriage and don't listen to them either.

Sure, none of the other things tell us anything much either, do they? Except she went to another guy's place for drinks and lied about it. In a certain light, she told a little white lie and is completely blameless and innocent otherwise - why not have a couple of drinks with a friend?

In a court of law, I'd be very cautious of connecting dots and drawing conclusions without fool-proof evidence to back me up.

In RI, less so. Stacking everything else that OP has written about the situation, along with the addition of a friend's helpful input, builds to me a definite picture of what's going on - it's plain as day that the woman is up to no good.

You're free to disagree, of course.

Paully D

Even if she is telling the truth (and I'd bet my bottom dollar she's not, for what it's worth) you will never be able to trust her again.

Anytime she goes anywhere you will (rightly) be wondering where she actually is, who she is actually with and what she is actually doing. It'll drive you insane mate.

CobraClan

Sorry to tell you this mate but she is definitely cheating on you, she has been running around with this bloke for god knows how long and all her friends know about it, sounds like their a bit of an item. Has she been having a lot of girly nights out lately, that's code for, Im going out and I don't want you there because Im going on a date with someone else.