Is my marriage broken?

Pablo2015

Hi all, hope maybe someone can help or offer some advice on this. Been married for over a year and things have been going downhill. We were seeing each other 2 years, then lived together 3 years before getting married. It seems we've been slowly drifting apart emotionally, but the physical side seems to have stopped dead. We've had sex only twice since our wedding day, she doesn't like to kiss anymore, hugs me only occasionally, doesn't even want to sit on the couch with me in the evenings.
I had a period suffering from agitated depression and went on medication for about a year, until just after we got married. And I'm feeling okay now despite the situation between us. I've tried to talk to her about it a few times, but I find it very difficult as it causes me anxiety. The first time was around New Years and I asked her if she thought we weren't as close as we had been. She said she didn't think so and she gave me a quick hug and went to sleep.
She is a mature student and I was worried about making a big deal out of it and causing her stress, so the second time I spoke to her about it wasn't until this summer. And then the third time I got so worked up about it that I had a panic attack. I know that makes me sound like a complete basket case, but I'm really not. Most of the time I'm relaxed and easy going and in good form. Anyway, both these times she kind of just dismissed it without saying much. I feel like she doesn't want to hear it.
The last time we spoke, which was a few weeks ago, I told her I felt lonely and missed the intimacy we used to have. She said she understood, but nothing's changed since then. It's got to the point where I'm thinking about it all the time and it's starting to affect my wellbeing. It's starting to get me down that maybe she's just not attracted to me anymore, and does that mean my sex-life's just over? Not that the sex is all that important to me, but I really miss the personal connection we had and I feel starved for affection. I don't want to be the kind of guy who cheats on his wife, but if I happen to meet someone who shows any interest I'm afraid of what might happen.
We still have conversations and occasionally we go out for dinner or to the cinema, but for the most part the extent of our activities is to sit and watch TV in the evenings. Then we go to bed and she reads until she goes to sleep. Sometimes we go for days without even touching. I can't remember the last time she told me she loves me.
I think I pretty much know what I need to do; try to talk about it again and really spell out this time how I feel, maybe suggest marriage counselling or something. Is there anything here I'm missing? I know there's a possibility this is my fault, but I asked her before is there anything I should be doing differently and she said no. I want this to work as I do still love her, and splitting up would be messy and would really leave her in the lurch, but at the same time don't want to end up unhappy and bitter. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this.

bee06

OP, definitely suggest marriage counselling to start with. Did this lack of intimacy only start after the wedding or was it like this before ye got married too?

Pablo2015

It was probably on the decline before the wedding, but I've only really noticed since the honeymoon. Yes, think I'll look into counselling.

LegacyUser

Some of this is familiar to me.
The bit about your wife just reading before going to sleep and no touching chimes a bell for me.
When you spoke about the virtual panic attack when trying to bring things up a 3rd time, is it that you feel like you are walking on eggshells with her ?
Is she approachable or does she deflect the topic (of lack of intimacy and connection) very quickly ?

I am in a much longer term marriage and I have lived with what really is bordering on an asexual partner for most of it.
Only having sex 2 times after marriage is a bit of a red flag though.
In our own case - my wife preferred to save full sex until marriage so there was some desire in the early first 1-2 years or so.

You don't explain if you try to initiate things with her and how she responds if you do.
Marriage counselling is a good idea.

Pablo2015

Hi empathyguy. In fairness to her, she is very reasonable and I know that when I bring it up with her she's not going to fly off the handle or anything. But the problem is, she's better at arguing than I am, and even though I feel completely justified in taking a certain position, she'll somehow turn it around until I end up feeling like I'm being unreasonable. So as a result of that, I end up overthinking and spending too long trying to figure out the exact words to use or the right time to say them. That's what lead to me having a panic attack the last time.

Sorry to hear about your own situation, it doesn't sound great either. Are you doing anything about it, or just decided to put up with it? (If you don't mind me asking.)

She does tend to dismiss it fairly quickly when I want to discuss it. When I try to initiate things with her, she just pretty much ignores it if we're in bed. She always lies with her back to me and it's like she pretends I'm not there at all. It's got to the point where I've given up trying. The last time I tried to kiss her, she got this disgusted look on her face and then gave some excuse about not wanting me to irritate her skin.

If I try to be affectionate towards her during the day, give her a hug or something, she kind of puts up with it for a few seconds and then walks away. I was hoping to spend some time with her outside of the house today so we could try to talk about it, go for a walk or something, but this morning she says she's not sure if she feels like going out.

zeffabelli

That sounds unbearably lonely.

She's not facing something.

Denial are the lies you tell yourself to keep oncoming hurt at bay.

Pablo2015

It is lonely. I feel like we've gone from having a normal healthy loving relationship to having almost no warmth between us at all. I feel like I have a housemate instead of a wife.

Thanks for reading and replying, all. It helps just to even write this down and really sort out how I feel about this.

LegacyUser

Sorry to be so blunt here but if you fancy someone you'll kiss them, especially if it's your husband.
I was your wife except years into the marriage. I just no longer fancied my hubby.the kissing stopped and the sex although it continued regularly (2-3 times weekly ) wasn't enjoyable for me anymore.
All the counselling in the world won't reignite a spark when it's gone to the degree mine was.
We're getting divorced next year and we've both found fulfillment elsewhere since.
Whatever you do, don't let her encourage sex just to have a baby . that'll just complicate everything.

Ignatius in bloom

It's got to the point where I've given up trying. The last time I tried to kiss her, she got this disgusted look on her face and then gave some excuse about not wanting me to irritate her skin.

If someone i was in a relationship or marriage said that too me i would sit them down and tell them that is not how committed people who supposedly are in love with each other act towards each other and it shows a lack of respect and understanding. I would then state that they should take a few days to think about what they want and then return you with answers and if that answer is to stay and work on the relationship then they need to tell me what course of action we both need to take to get back the love and intimacy that has obviously been lost. No blame, no arguing, no fighting, no tears just a commitment to save the relationship that includes you both.

MouseTail

OP, someone needs to tease issues out with your wife, and you are probably not the right person, it needs a skilled third party. It is likely not a coincidence that she began to withdraw around the time you were going through depression, she is possibly finding it hard to come back from that and she may be carrying resentment from that time.