The Dusty Road

Precious flower

Thoughts? This came to my head one day and I decided to type it out. I've more written, but just wanted general feedback on the first paragraph and what people thought. Be kind.
The Dusty Road
The sun had set long ago over the dusty land; the darkness would reign supreme for many howls of the desert wolves. Aki tugged on the fur of the wolf that lay beside her. She wore a coat of tarbh wrapped tightly around her thin bony shoulders. Despite it, the cold crawled up and nestled close to her, drawing out her warm. She could nearly see its human form hugging her in a vicious and deathly embrace. Her parched violet eyes, a result of her high exposure to the radiation that flooded the land, glanced up at the woman perched across from her. Ucani was viciously breaking twigs from a thick reddish branch and throwing them into their pathetic fire. Her brows were knitted tightly together, the scars that decorated her forehead glowed softy in the moonlight. The fire didn’t look like it would cower to Ucani’s violent gestures and hardened expression. It was a losing battle to ever try to keep a fire alive in these parts. The oxygen in the air was precious little and the winds blew heavy sandstorms frequently over their land. She liked to say it was their land; everywhere they went to. If no one else was around it, it was theirs in that moment. It made her feel quietly protective of those sands she trekked over though they didn’t stay long. They couldn’t anyway. They were travelling in search of a land that was spoken often about by many travellers they had crossed paths with, and the people in the shanty towns. It was an oasis that the sickness had not been touched by. Many thought it was only a myth, tutting when questioned “foolish child, nothing has escaped the poison untouched”. Yet some, like Ucani and her believed it to be true. Ucani had said to abandon all hope was to welcome death, death would have to fight bitterly if it wanted her. Aki, idolising her sister as many younger sisters do, was immersed in her sisters’ faith and followed her slavishly across the desert. Many people in the shanty towns had said the journey was foolish, suicide. They had glowered at Ucani, accusing her of being irresponsible and selfish for bringing Aki with her, but Aki had wanted to go. She trusted her sister. It always emboldened her when her sister had replied to those who doubted her that it was better to do battle with death then to sit back and let it idly take you. They, she said, had equally signed their death warrant by remaining in this land that was slowly killing them. At least Aki and her were fighting. Ucani had always been the brave, stubborn one. As a young girl Aki saw bravery, pride and stubbornness as complimentary traits, not as the dangerous companions they often were.

DangerMouse27

Hi,

I may not be able to offer up an in depth analysis that others may but I can give my tuppence worth if that helps.

From a readability perspective, I found the piece tough going. I think that kind of pace is unsustainable over a larger body of work, or if it were to continue, you may lose your reader. It's a descriptive force of nature and doesn't offer much up for the reader to really care about delving further in.

You do provide some tidbits as to why this pair are alone and in the wilderness but nothing is exciting me. The radiation provides a clue that the setting is a post apocalyptic event in an as yet to be named country.

Maybe that's just me. I like to have something to grab my attention in that opening piece.

Ignatius in bloom

Take what i say with a pinch of salt

I think you have the basis of a really good story and i already have imagined the two girls and am looking forward to seeing where they go and what adventures they find.

The imagery is not there yet but i can see the potential. Also it would be a good idea to set the scene and let the characters build from there. The big sister little sister thing can be a great thing once they both have an objective and once that objective leads somewhere at the moment all i get from them is the usual small sister adulation of the big sister.

Anyway i think it has great potential and you should sit down and come up with a theme, a plot and character objectives and then go from there.


Best of luck

Das Kitty

I definitely think you've got something here.

I would split the above out into a (good) few paragraphs though. One idea per paragraph. I know in older books paragraphs could run for pages, but it's so easy to get lost in the middle of them.

The only other thing that jarred with me was there were a few too many adjectives, but in my experience, the only way to improve those kinds of little things is to get a lot of practice. Keep on going and get to the end and that sort of thing will just be an easy edit.

It sounds like the sort of thing I'd read, so I really do hope you keep on going with it.