Deal breaker - ignore ex friend/neighbour on street

JosephG

This a really difficult one.. Myself (male mid 30's) and my OH are together 3 years. On cusp of moving in. But we have one outstanding issue which both of us are refusing to bend on. I own my home house and ourselves and the family next door have lived side by side for 60 years. They have since moved to the US and she remained. I bough my home house from my family a few years ago and myself and female neighbour - mid 40's became good friends. Have a purely platonic relationship, kind of sister like - but absolutely no romantic undertones. Used to pop in and out for coffee and cigarettes, offer property advice etc.

Three years ago (ironically with neighbours encouragement), I contacted by mail a beautiful lady I met years ago. We began dating and things progressed. However there have been issues with the neighbour. The fact she is good friends with my ex hasn't helped things btw.

I'll try to summarise the events so as to keep it brief : there has been plenty of blanking etc including what happened below..
1) Comment made on front of my family stating OH wont live in home house - girlfriend said it - but neighbour probably knew it would be / could be deemed derogatory.
2) In hindsight my own contact with neighbour probably excessive and made gf insecure - eg texts, phone calls, coffee, (neighbour would ocassionally call me pet name bobsy, drove gf daft.) I must admit I didn't really understand at time as relationship was only 6 months old..
3) GF was upset at some comment made at my birthday with family and neighbour (who is treated as extended family - eg : comes to Xmas dinner)
4) GF then made an effort by inviting neighbour to dinner and inviting her into my house in an effort to build bridges..
5) On return from holiday, neighbour met Ex Gf at door and ignored GF - this blew everything up - my GF very very upset - put serious pressure on me to reduce contact. I did, neighbour I think realised and the position deteriorated from there as no doubt she was angry at loss of friendship due to GF request - think she may have even heard directly this is what was going on.
6) Neighbour and Ex arrived into public house on an evening I'd normally be there (was there with GF) that night..
7) Thanksgiving dinner year 2 saw hostilities continue with neighbour very awkward with GF
8) Incident towards last Christmas with Ex parked on street and by leaving door open made GF walk around car to get to front door.
9) GF and I broke up over it and I eventually returned and agreed to reduce contact with neighbour to 'neighbourly and civil (only essential contact - phone calls or texts), no calling into house (s) or coffees' - I also spoke to neighbour who agreed to try to keep ex GF off street.
10) Neighbour has only actually been in company of GF twice since - once where I brought her into house with GF - but she called me names like 'sausage' and 'babes' which upset girlfriend..
11) In July - GF and I were in company and met with a group of pals - including neighbour and ex GF.. There was no contact and blanking of myself and GF.

Anyway, following more terrifically difficult negotiations after a breakup with GF - she wants is to live together in my home house. Needless to say I was delighted but one stipulation was that I call to neighbour and cut all contact.. I agreed, went into neighbour (and family friend of 40 years, grew up with my sisters etc..) and told her GF is my priority, am in her corner, backing her unilaterally, there is to be no contact between me and her - Its not a fall out with family, just me and GF.. we cannot be in touch.. I am effectively dead to her

Now, I did this to protect girlfriend who may have felt undermined by both my neighbours actions and my inaction during the past.. While I love my GF very much it was a very awkward position for me. Anyway, the job was done, my neighbour was distraught - crying etc, explained my family are her only family etc - I told her, they still are but I can't be party to it..

All this has knock on effects for me and my own family, but GF is adamant no contact whatsoever..

The crux of the problem is she also wants me to ignore her when I walk past her on street. Now, while I understand the merits in her feeling the way she does - this may be a step too far..
I've tried to logically explain there is no benefit in doing this. The friendship is terminated, she(the neighbour) will not play a part in our lives.. No texts, no phone calls, no calling to house etc. However, to ignore someone on street just continues a destructive and hostile cycle - it perpetuates the negativity and keeps the situation almost alive. It's a continually hurtful action with no benefit.. I have explained to GF, that it is not an attempt to reopen a painful door for her - believe me, that is well shut.. It's merely an effort to maintain civility as it affects me, my family and indeed her family(neighbours) who ate all due back for a month at Christmas (oh the joys) who must be allowed to continue what ever connection they will.

She has asked that I should only say hello to neighbour when with her, and never when on my own - I find this terrible and before anyone suggests it, I am unwilling to say hello behind her back..

They situation is causing me immense discomfort and turmoil, I want girlfriend to move in and be happy, but I think the demand is severe and difficult...It, in my opinion will continue the hostilities and while I have accepted that I have lost a great friend, I do not want to continue being hostile when the job is done and the only potential outcomes are negative. I also have my family to think of, but I'm trying not to worry too much about them. What would you do?

charlietheminxx

Joseph, I could be wrong but did you not post about your relationship last week and get a heap of advice?

Either way, why would you let someone so controlling move in to your house and try to run your life?

Mr. Incognito

JosephG wrote: »

I own my home house and ourselves and the family next door have lived side by side for 60 years.

They have since moved to the US and she remained. I bough my home house from my family a few years ago and myself and female neighbour - mid 40's became good friends.

Have a purely platonic relationship, kind of sister like - but absolutely no romantic undertones. Used to pop in and out for coffee and cigarettes, offer property advice etc.

I'll try to summarise the events so as to keep it brief : there has been plenty of blanking etc including what happened below..

1) Comment made on front of my family stating OH wont live in home house - girlfriend said it - but neighbour probably knew it would be / could be deemed derogatory.

2) In hindsight my own contact with neighbour probably excessive and made gf insecure - eg texts, phone calls, coffee, (neighbour would ocassionally call me pet name bobsy, drove gf daft.) I must admit I didn't really understand at time as relationship was only 6 months old..

3) GF was upset at some comment made at my birthday with family and neighbour (who is treated as extended family - eg : comes to Xmas dinner)


4) GF then made an effort by inviting neighbour to dinner and inviting her into my house in an effort to build bridges..

5) On return from holiday, neighbour met Ex Gf at door and ignored GF - this blew everything up - my GF very very upset - put serious pressure on me to reduce contact. I did, neighbour I think realised and the position deteriorated from there as no doubt she was angry at loss of friendship due to GF request - think she may have even heard directly this is what was going on.


6) Neighbour and Ex arrived into public house on an evening I'd normally be there (was there with GF) that night.. GF Upset?

7) Thanksgiving dinner year 2 saw hostilities continue with neighbour very awkward with GF

8) Incident towards last Christmas with Ex parked on street and by leaving door open made GF walk around car to get to front door.

9) GF and I broke up over it and I eventually returned and agreed to reduce contact with neighbour to 'neighbourly and civil (only essential contact - phone calls or texts), no calling into house (s) or coffees' - I also spoke to neighbour who agreed to try to keep ex GF off street.

10) Neighbour has only actually been in company of GF twice since - once where I brought her into house with GF - but she called me names like 'sausage' and 'babes' which upset girlfriend..

11) In July - GF and I were in company and met with a group of pals - including neighbour and ex GF.. There was no contact and blanking of myself and GF.

Anyway, following more terrifically difficult negotiations after a breakup with GF - she wants is to live together in my home house.

Needless to say I was delighted but one stipulation was that I call to neighbour and cut all contact.. I agreed, went into neighbour (and family friend of 40 years, grew up with my sisters etc..) and told her GF is my priority, am in her corner, backing her unilaterally, there is to be no contact between me and her - Its not a fall out with family, just me and GF.. we cannot be in touch.. I am effectively dead to her

Now, I did this to protect girlfriend who may have felt undermined by both my neighbours actions and my inaction during the past.. While I love my GF very much it was a very awkward position for me. Anyway, the job was done, my neighbour was distraught - crying etc, explained my family are her only family etc - I told her, they still are but I can't be party to it..

All this has knock on effects for me and my own family, but GF is adamant no contact whatsoever..

The crux of the problem is she also wants me to ignore her when I walk past her on street. Now, while I understand the merits in her feeling the way she does - this may be a step too far..

She has asked that I should only say hello to neighbour when with her, and never when on my own - I find this terrible and before anyone suggests it, I am unwilling to say hello behind her back..

They situation is causing me immense discomfort and turmoil, What would you do?

Your GF sounds like a controlling nut job.

None of these things are worth getting upset over. She had to walk around your exes car and this cause a break up?

Dump this insecure child and find yourself a real woman.

ManOfMystery

JosephG if I'm not incorrect, you have actually posted 2 threads about this same issue have you not? If not, then there is another poster (or posters) out there who also have a controlling girlfriend who wants them to cut all contact with a female neighbour, one who happened to be a close personal friend and long time family friend.

If it's just a mighty coincidence, my apologies. In any event, the advice given in the other threads is just as pertinent here : the girlfriend is a controlling, selfish, insecure diva who needs dropped instantly.

OneOfThem

Ah Joe... Pretty much everyone told you to break up with her in the last thread. Or at the very, very, very least, stand your ground and tell her that she doesn't get to dictate who you speak to or are friends with and if she can't accept that then she can go for a hop.

It sounds like you have a Stockholm Syndrome thing going on, or you just can't see the wood for the trews, or some sh1t. She's unbelievably possessive and controlling. Google 'signs of abusive relationship' and 'patterns of abusive relationships' and have a good read through the stuff you find.

kylith

Tell your GF that you will associate with whomever you want and if she doesn't like it she can shove her opinion up her bum.

Ursus Horribilis

Joseph I remember your other thread. And possibly other ones - there was a guy with a story very like yours looking for help here too.

Anyway I'm not sure what advice it is you're looking for. You've been told repeatedly that your girlfriend is controlling and that you're quite likely in an abusive relationship. What she's asking you to do and to give up is way out of order. Yet you refuse to take any of the advice on board.

Stop wasting your time and ours. We all know you're going to obey your girlfriend's wishes anyway and ruin your life.

If I thought you'd listen I'd point you in the direction of websites that describe what emotional abuse is and can help men like you. But I know I am wasting my time. Good luck. You're going to need it.

Taltos

Mod Note

Irrespective of the reason for closing your last thread OP you had 5 pages of advice there.
You don't need to post again on this topic as the advice there was pretty much of one mind.

Posting on the same topic in quick succession is frowned on here so please also have a read of our charter. At this stage I really don't believe there is much more than can be said for your relationship.

Thread Closed