I've just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, what do I do now

furious

I have had a hunch that my boyfriend of six years, and father of our child has been cheating on me for a good while now. I kept pushing those thoughts aside and telling myself I was being crazy.

About 2 years ago when he was in college he told me that his friends set up a profile of him on a dating website and he keeps getting emails but doesn't know the password they set so that he can log in and delete it. I accepted this because he came straight out and told me before I even knew he was on it.

But since then he got very private with his phone. I noticed a tinder notification one day which he completely denied when I brought it up. Then yesterday I logged into his emails - not to check up on him but one of my accounts used to be in his name so we just kept the email the same, anyway I needed to go through the email to get into the account. When I did I noticed all of these emails that were from more than one dating website. I looked them up and found him on 2 of them and one said he was last online a few hours beforehand. The other one was a strictly sex meet up site and had a picture of his 'you know what', which I know is his and I recognised the bathroom tiles in the background.

So in a moment of madness I set up a fake account on the first site and messaged him. And low and behold he messages me back. I asked him if he was interested in a relationship or just sex and he said see where things go. There have been a few messages over and back and I'm 99% sure it's him and not one of his friends because of some of the things he has said.

Should I play this out, arrange a meet up and catch him in the act? Or confront him first and he'll probably deny it.

PS. Sorry for the rant!

Ursus Horribilis

What is the end result you're after? Do you want to dump him?

furious

I want the truth but don't know if he'll give me that

Ursus Horribilis

Then what?

furious

I honestly don't know. I love him to bits and if it was just a one time thing I could possibly forgive him. But if it is him on these websites and he messaged me back, how many other girls has he met up with through these websites in the last two years. I can forgive a one time mistake but not if he was at it the whole time.

njs030

furious wrote: »

I want the truth but don't know if he'll give me that

From your first post it seems you know the truth. Seeing a photo that you recognise of his "you-know-what" with your bathroom tiles in the background is pretty damming evidence.

Like all cheaters he'll only admit to what you already know so the ball is in your court.

Do you want to stay with him knowing he cheated on you or do you want to leave?

Ursus Horribilis

I think you need to look a lot further than your current desire for a "gotcha" moment. It would not surprise me if the guy has been cheating on you throughout your relationship. He got his retaliation in first, so to speak, when he gave you that bullsh!t excuse about the dating site. Now he's on other sites. I don't know what more proof you need. He is blatantly cheating on you. As Notjustsweet has rightly pointed out, cheaters generally only own up to what they can get away with. You have the proof. You probably will never find out the full truth from this fella. What good is a gotcha moment going to do you? He'll feed you with the same bullsh!t excuses he would've fed you if you went to him right now with screenshots.

You are in denial right now. Is there anyone you can talk to today? A friend? Your mum? You are so caught up in this you can't see the wood from the trees. It is horrible because you love him and there is a child involved. But really, are you trying to find a way to stay with him? Personally I'd be seeking legal advice re. maintenance, packing my bags and going. Easy for me to say though.

Virgil°

You KNOW at this stage he has cheated. You've no need for him to confess.

First things first. Get yourself to an STI clinic. From the sounds of things hes been sleeping around for quite some time, with god knows who.

Next you want to confront him. You have all the evidence you need here. Don't accept any excuses. "Oh its just a joke the lads played on me", "i wasnt meeting them just messaging them" blah blah blah and so on. Expect the lot. As another poster said, hes only going to admit to as much as you can prove to a certainty. So you're gonna have to come to a decision based on how much you currently know I'm afraid.

Sorry OP its a horrible thing to have found out. You definitely deserve more than this clown is offering you.

discus

Just dump him. Jesus, he's taking you for a fool.

Augme

It sounds like you want to play this out in the hope it isn't him. At this stage I just can't see why anyone could still have any doubts. Let him deny it all he wants, not sure what difference that makes. It's up to you decide what you want to do from here. I honestly think you'd be crazy to stay with him.

Markcheese

You already know what's going on- why push for a major confrontation -start planning your (or his) exit strategy ! Don't ask -tell him.
If you're feeling a bit malicious keep stringing him along on line - the more ridiculously the better - several fake personas - but get out -

OneOfThem

Fvck, sorry to hear that OP...

The only way you could be any more sure he's been cheating on you is if you walked in on him on top of someone else. I think you know theirs no need to go through with the fake meet up idea, you'll be in the same situation you are now afterwards.

Seems you've four options /scenarios.

1. Do nothing, accept he cheats on you and carry on as before.

2. End the relationship.

3. Confront him, he denies ever actually cheating and says he was just messaging or whatever. Then you're back to 1 or 2.

4. Confront him, he admits cheating, is contrite and asks for another chance, promises it won't happen again etc. Then you've to decide if you can believe him, or you're back to 1 or 2.

Sh1t situation to be in. Wish I had something to say to help. Take care of yourself.

Penny Tration

Something small, but you say that a few years back he kept getting emails from the dating site that his friends signed him up to, but he couldn't stop them because he didn't have the password? He could have had a password retrieval email sent to him, to allow him access.

So chances are he's been lying from the get-go.

furious

Penny Tration wrote: »

Something small, but you say that a few years back he kept getting emails from the dating site that his friends signed him up to, but he couldn't stop them because he didn't have the password? He could have had a password retrieval email sent to him, to allow him access.

So chances are he's been lying from the get-go.

I only thought of that today when I was going through everything in my head. I considered changing the password myself so that I could log in and see who he had been messaging but said if I did that I'd be caught out straight away and he may have deleted any messages so I'd have no proof.

The only reason I want to go through with the meet up is to get rid of that 1% doubt in my head whether it's him (or however unlikely it is prove that it isn't him). If I know for definite that it is then there's no question about it I will not take him back. But if I have that doubt he'll probably have some kind of excuse/explanation for everything.

stargazer 68

furious wrote: »

The only reason I want to go through with the meet up is to get rid of that 1% doubt in my head whether it's him (or however unlikely it is prove that it isn't him). If I know for definite that it is then there's no question about it I will not take him back. But if I have that doubt he'll probably have some kind of excuse/explanation for everything.[/quote

Op if you go ahead with it he will only say he knew it was you all along and then what?

Augme

The friend thing is complete bull****. What kind of friends sign up their friend in relationship to a dating site and then refuse to give him the password? It just makes no sense at all. Now you've found him on other dating sites. What's the excuse for the dick picture? His friends took it by surprise?

On most of the big dating sites you can see who has viewed your profile so it's far more likely that one of your friends etc saw his profile, he realised this, and then he panicked and came "clean" to you before anyone else said anything to you.

retro:electro

You know it's not just a one time thing op, don't let him convince you it was. Take the power back and dump the cheating scumbag.

OneOfThem

furious wrote: »

The only reason I want to go through with the meet up is to get rid of that 1% doubt in my head whether it's him (or however unlikely it is prove that it isn't him). If I know for definite that it is then there's no question about it I will not take him back. But if I have that doubt he'll probably have some kind of excuse/explanation for everything.

One of the photos is of his penis with your bathroom tiles in the background. There's no possibility it's not him, not even 1%, sorry. I don't think you should put yourself through the whole meet up thing. Can't imagine you'll ever get the image of him strolling into the pub or whatever all dressed up to meet someone else out of your head. Seems needlessly masochistic.

Markcheese

Set up the date if you really feel you must - but what are you going to achieve with a meet up - apart from possibly a stand up public row -

Nymeria

OP, please don't hang around waiting for 'enough' of a reason to break up with him. I understand that with a long-term relationship and a child, you feel that you can't walk away until you are sure...but really, you will never know the full extent of what has gone on. What you do know is that you cannot trust him, and without trust there is no relationship; not a worthwhile one anyway.

Do yourself a favour and stop focusing on him, on whether or not he will admit it, on if you have enough evidence...the truth is that his intentions were clear, you will drag yourself under trying to figure out the hows and whys of what he has or hasn't done. Unfortunately, the 'why' is probably something as simple as 'because he could'. This is not about you, he obviously doesn't want to be monogamous.

Please find real life support and think of a future for you and your child without his lies and bullsh!t.

retro:electro

I wouldn't bother with the meet up thing. You already have all of the evidence you need. Sure he'll just worm his way out of that one too and make out he's there to meet one of the lads and it's just an unfortunate coincidence. Or, if he is like I think he is, he'll turn nasty, he'll blame you and name call and he'll be out of there faster than you can say "cheater". This will then leave you feeling guilty and like you're the one who has done wrong and you'll end up contacting him wanting forgiveness. Have seen it a million times before op. Get out now.

CaraMay

Markcheese wrote: »

Set up the date if you really feel you must - but what are you going to achieve with a meet up - apart from possibly a stand up public row -[/QUOT

Correct

On top of this op he will turn it round on you saying YOU were on the website. I understand that you don't want to believe it but you can't stick uour head in the sand either.

Magicmatilda

1.This is absolutely not about you. He is unable to handle a monogomous, intimate relationship, for whatever reason.

2.You will never know the truth, accept he is a lying cheat who has hurt you, that is all you need to know. (I could be much harsher here but he is the father of your child and you will most likely have to maintain a relationship with him in that sense).

3.This is not your fault.

4.You loved and trusted him and he has abused that. You did nothing wrong.

5.The man you love does not exist, The man you love would not have done this, he is an illusion. The man who fathered your son is not who you thought he was.

These points are all you need to focus on. Speak with a real life friend or family member. Get a support network around you. If you must arrange a meet, send a friend to actually meet him.

If this was a once off thing I would recommend trying couples counselling and staying to try and work it out. But this man has been on online dating dates for 2 years, most likely active all that time. I don't think it even matters whether he has met anyone. How could he be totally engaged in your relationship while spending his free time in a fantasy land of pulling other women for 2 whole years, that is being kind to him and assuming it was a fantasy. He has lied to you for 2 whole years.

I really wish you all the best, this must be extremely hard.

furious

I know most of you advised against the meet up but I need to see him turn up so that I won't accept any excuses. it's arranged for half an hours time. Should I 'stand him up' then ask him to talk tomorrow and bring it up. Or should I just meet him there and confront him straight away. I will be going either way to see. And it's in a car park so it won't make a scene in public but is still public enough

Magicmatilda

I really think you need to tell a friend or family member and have them on call for after the meeting if you really are going to go through with it.

I would just let him see you and walk away. Say nothing. What's the point. What is there to say? It would have to be over surely.

zeffabelli

You know what I'd be inclined to go for the meet up so there is ZERO chance of plausible deniability and just to see the look on his face. That would be priceless.

Well played OP.

retro:electro

furious wrote: »

I know most of you advised against the meet up but I need to see him turn up so that I won't accept any excuses. it's arranged for half an hours time. Should I 'stand him up' then ask him to talk tomorrow and bring it up. Or should I just meet him there and confront him straight away. I will be going either way to see. And it's in a car park so it won't make a scene in public but is still public enough

If you stand him up then how will you know? Do you live together? Is he at home now?

magicmushroom

I actually wouldn't have advised to go through with this but I see I'm too late!
I suppose it's the only way to be sure though...Jesus, I wish I could see his face...

Really sorry this is happening to you OP, I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. Hopefully in time you will see you're better off without him.
All the best.

Duvetdays

Firstly Op I'm truly sorry this has happened I can only imagine how you are feeling. Personally I wouldn't have met him he'll try and weasel out of it with some bs excuse. How much more proof do you need it's his d.ck and your bathroom tiles. This doesn't seem like a one off it looks like he's constantly sleeping around.

Dump his ass and concentrate on your child and it's extremely important you get a std check as going by what you've written to me it's looks like he's sleeping around a lot.

faceman

If you feel that you have been wronged then you need to think about what's right for you. It won't be easy, everyone will have an opinion and most of those opinions will focus on doing harm to the person that has wronged you but that won't help you.

So what can you do?

Rebuild.

You are a wonderful person. If you, in your heart are ending your relationship, then walk away. Focus on you. That's what's most important. If it didn't work out, then it didn't work out. If your bf is a dick then he's a dick. Who knows, maybe in a few years time he'll save the planet. It's irrelevant, what matters is you.

Finding blame is the worst thing you can do.

furious

So the bastard turned up. I pulled up right beside him and watched the confused look on his face turn to realisation. He promised he had never done this before and didn't actually intend to sleep with 'this girl' blah blah blah. I told him we're finished. I told him all the ways in which he has hurt me and how I can never rebuild that trust with him. I could see the hurt and regret in his face and he struggled to even think of things to say to me. I'm glad I know the truth now but am heartbroken that I've lost the man I love.

retro:electro

furious wrote: »

So the bastard turned up. I pulled up right beside him and watched the confused look on his face turn to realisation. He promised he had never done this before and didn't actually intend to sleep with 'this girl' blah blah blah. I told him we're finished. I told him all the ways in which he has hurt me and how I can never rebuild that trust with him. I could see the hurt and regret in his face and he struggled to even think of things to say to me. I'm glad I know the truth now but am heartbroken that I've lost the man I love.

Stay strong op. Do not feel guilty about this. Fair play to you.

HardenendMan

furious wrote: »

So the bastard turned up. I pulled up right beside him and watched the confused look on his face turn to realisation. He promised he had never done this before and didn't actually intend to sleep with 'this girl' blah blah blah. I told him we're finished. I told him all the ways in which he has hurt me and how I can never rebuild that trust with him. I could see the hurt and regret in his face and he struggled to even think of things to say to me. I'm glad I know the truth now but am heartbroken that I've lost the man I love.

You have a lot of courage. I feel for you.

Magicmatilda

You are probably going to run the gauntlet of emotions over the next few weeks. Be kind to yourself. This is not your fault no matter what he might say. Get your support network going. It will be very hard but worth it. Remember he is not the man you love. That man doesn't exist because he wouldn't have done this. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

furious wrote: »

So the bastard turned up. I pulled up right beside him and watched the confused look on his face turn to realisation. He promised he had never done this before and didn't actually intend to sleep with 'this girl' blah blah blah. I told him we're finished. I told him all the ways in which he has hurt me and how I can never rebuild that trust with him. I could see the hurt and regret in his face and he struggled to even think of things to say to me. I'm glad I know the truth now but am heartbroken that I've lost the man I love.

I don't have much to add except to say I feel very sorry for you and I hope you are able to get a good solicitor, get a good agreement in place and move on with your life.

Don't bother asking him for answers, in truth he probably doesn't even know himself why he hurt you like that and it'll only bring more pain into your life (imo).

Penny Tration

OP, you're a brave lady to have done that.

Just bear in mind that he'll never admit to it. It'll always be 'just the once' when he met up with you, he'll never have slept with someone else, he'll have felt unloved by you, etc. He'll try to turn it around on you.

You've done nothing wrong at all. Take care of yourself and accept that you'll feel awful for a time. But you have your proof now, and you will heal in time. On a practical note, get STI testing to make sure you're okay physically.

Be kind to yourself x

Ursus Horribilis

If there are people in your life that you feel you can turn to at this time, please do. In some ways what you did yesterday was the easy bit. Now what?

What happened last night was life-changing. You've got irrefutable proof that your life partner and the father of your child is a philandering love rat. He's not the person you loved (love?) and you're facing into a very different life to the one you had envisaged. Because he is the father of your child, you're going to have to have an ongoing relationship with him. That could prove to be tricky, depending on the sort of person he is.

It would not surprise me if he either tries to minimise his cheating and tells you he's very very sorry and won't ever do it again. From his point of view, going back to the family home would be a better option than what he's facing into now. If he's a good dad, he'll not like having to move away from his child. This is the sort of talk you could easily fall for if you're at a low point.
The other thing he might do is turn the situation around and indulge in a spot of victim blaming. You didn't make him feel wanted blah blah blah.

No matter what way this guy will try to twist things, this situation is entirely of his own making. He knew what he was doing and he was prepared to risk his family over the long-term. He also may have risked your own sexual health so for your own peace of mind you should get STI tests done next week. And also, even though it's not a nice thought, you do need to talk to a solicitor and get legal advice.

Wheety

Now he will try to convince you it was the first time he met someone from those sites and he wasn't going to sleep with them (don't know what excuse he'll use though).

If you wanted more ammo, change the passwords on all the sites and email, before he changes the email password, and you'll be able to see other meet ups he has arranged.

Ursus Horribilis

Wheety wrote: »

If you wanted more ammo, change the passwords on all the sites and email, before he changes the email password, and you'll be able to see other meet ups he has arranged.

If the guy has any sense, he'll have closed all those accounts by now and gotten rid of as much evidence as he can.

magicmushroom

furious wrote: »

So the bastard turned up. I pulled up right beside him and watched the confused look on his face turn to realisation. He promised he had never done this before and didn't actually intend to sleep with 'this girl' blah blah blah. I told him we're finished. I told him all the ways in which he has hurt me and how I can never rebuild that trust with him. I could see the hurt and regret in his face and he struggled to even think of things to say to me. I'm glad I know the truth now but am heartbroken that I've lost the man I love.

So if he wasn't going to sleep with her, what was he going to do?!
I'm cringing for him - what an idiot - I hope the reality of this situation really hits him in the face now. it was all fun and games when it was behind your back and he thought he was great, but now he stands to lose his partner and hurt his child.

OP all I can say to you is that you have some tough times ahead, I really hope you come out of this stronger and better.
I'm truly sorry for your pain, I have felt the heartbreak of being cheated on so I sympathise with you. Well done for finishing it.

eviltwin

At least you know for sure now. It's small consolation but it's better than not knowing. I hope you can stay strong for yourself and your child. It might not be a bad idea to get a bit of counselling. Unfortunately you can never really move on when you have a child with someone, they will always be there. Take care of yourself x

Wheety

Odus fell down wrote: »

If the guy has any sense, he'll have closed all those accounts by now and gotten rid of as much evidence as he can.

True, I imagine he would have done it last night. But just in case he hasn't thought of the email account, change the password and try resetting the passwords on the dating sites.

Might be too late but worth a try.

GLaDOS

I don't think the OP needs to bother with messing with his accounts or anything. She knows 100% without a doubt he was cheating and dumped him, that's what needed to happen. She needs to focus on herself now and make sure she has friends and family to turn to. Worrying about getting "more ammo" or whatever is not going to help anything.

Neyite

ScienceNerd wrote: »

I don't think the OP needs to bother with messing with his accounts or anything. She knows 100% without a doubt he was cheating and dumped him, that's what needed to happen. She needs to focus on herself now and make sure she has friends and family to turn to. Worrying about getting "more ammo" or whatever is not going to help anything.

I agree. The problem with providing proof to him, is that bit by bit, he will try to find a plausible excuse or reason for it.

Remember OP in the coming days when he is begging you back, its not up to you to find proof of his cheating to end this relationship. Its enough to say that what you DID see, has irrevocably changed your feelings for him. You don't actually need a reason to end a relationship, but him meeting up with someone off a dating site, in secret, is actually enough of a reason if you want it to be. Don't get drawn into him minimising that it was the first time and he was only nobly going to meet her to tell her he was in a relationship blah blah. The cheating is a side issue. Lying and breaking your trust are what did the damage here.

furious

I wasn't going to look for more proof but when he only admitted to what I already know, and still refuses the dick pic is his, I decided I want to know the extent of it. I haven't gotten into any of his accounts but found out this has definitely been going on for at least two years, even though he says I caught him almost straight away. I had considered taking the prick back so long as he was completely honest and open with me (depending on how much had actually happened) but this persistent lying is the nail in the coffin.

magicmushroom

furious wrote: »

I wasn't going to look for more proof but when he only admitted to what I already know, and still refuses the dick pic is his, I decided I want to know the extent of it. I haven't gotten into any of his accounts but found out this has definitely been going on for at least two years, even though he says I caught him almost straight away. I had considered taking the prick back so long as he was completely honest and open with me (depending on how much had actually happened) but this persistent lying is the nail in the coffin.

How did you find that out?

Are you in a position to carry on OK for now with the child (financially etc) if he moved out of the house?
If so, get him out of there as quickly as possible, so he can't try and persuade you to give him another chance.

Ursus Horribilis

From what you've written here, your boyfriend is coming across as someone who is very quick to lie and to insult your intelligence. He lied about that dating profile in the past. He's still denying the d!ck pic is his. How many more lies has he spun you over the years? It says a lot about the sort of person he is that he is still lying like there's no tomorrow. Saving his own ass is more important to him than coming clean and trying to save his relationship.

You sound like you're still trying to convince yourself that his cheating isn't as bad as it seems. I can understand that. You're facing into the break up of your family unit, your home and your relationship. Plus you've got yer man in your ear trying to weasel his way back in.

Have you spoken to anyone belonging to you about this? I just worry that you're living too much of this in your head and you could be making poor decisions.

furious

magicmushroom wrote: »

How did you find that out?

I went snooping through his emails (I always told myself I'd never do it but given the circumstances) and saw one he had obviously forgotten to delete in the middle of a few important ones he was keeping dated 2013.

Odus fell down wrote: »

Have you spoken to anyone belonging to you about this? I just worry that you're living too much of this in your head and you could be making poor decisions.

I haven't spoken to anyone yet. I want to know everything and have it all sussed out in my head before I break the news to anyone. I'm probably acting a psycho/stalker in doing so but I don't want to start b*tching about him to my family yet while I'm still pissed off about it. Because then at events such as birthday parties, communion etc. that both sides of the family will be at it will probably ruin the day if there's a big rift between the two sides and they are the type to hold a grudge.


I highly doubt I'll be taking him back I just want to know the truth so that I can close the issue and move on.

CaraMay

Op you need support to get through this. Most people are mature enough not to ruin a child's birthday party and you need to remember that its his fault not yours. This fella is so crooked he couldn't lie straight in the bed. Is this the kind of man you want so spend your days with?

retro:electro

"I highly doubt I'll be taking him back".

Why don't you have a more declarative and definitive statement than that? Do not take him back! The ins and outs, do they really matter? That's just finer detail. He lied and cheated, he was deceptive and you cannot trust him and will never trust him again. That's all you need to know really when it comes down to it.

Ursus Horribilis

You seem to be very hung up on finding out the truth. You are most likely never going to find out everything. He can't even come clean and admit that the d;ck photo is his even though the evidence is there. If he has any wit about him at all he'll have erased most of his tracks by now. How much more proof do you want or need? Why do you want all this extra information? What you have is enough to prove that he's a lying, cheating douchebag.