I've just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, what do I do now

ManOfMystery

I think it's normal when you've been lied to, to want to find out the extent of those lies and what else exactly has been going on. However, once you make a definitive decision to end things or move on - as you appear to have done - there's not much mileage or emotional gain for you by finding out even more gory details. If you were staying together I'm sure it would be a different story, as any rebuild of trust would probably require a fairly honest and frank disclosure on his part. It seems highly unlikely you would ever get that though.

Neyite

anna080 wrote: »

"I highly doubt I'll be taking him back".

Why don't you have a more declarative and definitive statement than that? Do not take him back! The ins and outs, do they really matter? That's just finer detail. He lied and cheated, he was deceptive and you cannot trust him and will never trust him again. That's all you need to know really when it comes down to it.

I think she is doing brilliantly. I dare say that quite a few of us would still be on our knees with devastation if we discovered only three days ago that our partner and co-parent was cheating. In that time, she's gathered enough proof to be sure of what has happened, come to terms with it, planned a meeting and confronted him and ended their relationship. She was pretty clear it was over.

Now she is trying to be mindful of the fallout because she knows that this is still her child's dad, her child's life will be changing when her parents split and the last thing you need is the wider family spitting venom at the ex for what he did when there is a little kid caught in the middle.

OP, keep going with the dignity you've displayed so far. You'll have tough days but you'll get through it day by day, bit by bit.

furious

Neyite wrote: »

Now she is trying to be mindful of the fallout because she knows that this is still her child's dad, her child's life will be changing when her parents split and the last thing you need is the wider family spitting venom at the ex for what he did when there is a little kid caught in the middle.

That's just made me think, what should I tell our son when he asks why we're not together anymore? I don't think he'll think that much into it if we don't make too big a deal of it but it's an inevitable question down the line. He probably won't settle for things just didn't work out but I don't want to speak badly about his dad, I'm always careful not to undermine him in any situation in from of him.

CaraMay

furious wrote: »

That's just made me think, what should I tell our son when he asks why we're not together anymore? I don't think he'll think that much into it if we don't make too big a deal of it but it's an inevitable question down the line. He probably won't settle for things just didn't work out but I don't want to speak badly about his dad, I'm always careful not to undermine him in any situation in from of him.

At what age op? IMHO no. Its not about protecting your ex but your childs relationship with his father. I'm sure you can find a way to redirect the question when the time comes.

Worst case scenario then maybe when in teens if he asks but not before. He would need to be old enough to process the info.

oceanid

furious wrote: »

I highly doubt I'll be taking him back I just want to know the truth so that I can close the issue and move on.

You might be looking for closure, or you might be looking for something to turn up that might somehow change what's happened. You've been in denial about this relationship for a long time, OP. What's changed with how you're feeling now compared to before? You have outside proof, that can't be denied, yet part of you may want to continue denying.

I think you should talk to friends and family. You don't have to tell every detail, just let them know it's over. It's more about being around people who love and support you at this time.

Could someone look after your child for a few days? A bit of time to yourself to start planning what happens next for you.

There's no going back after this, OP. You would not thank yourself later if you went back.

tara73

furious wrote: »

That's just made me think, what should I tell our son when he asks why we're not together anymore? I don't think he'll think that much into it if we don't make too big a deal of it but it's an inevitable question down the line. He probably won't settle for things just didn't work out but I don't want to speak badly about his dad, I'm always careful not to undermine him in any situation in from of him.

I'm definetely no expert in this, but wouldn't it be ok if you just say daddy and mammy didn't get along anymore? that you figured out you have very different views how to live your lifes and it doesn't fit anymore.(and in all the misery, in an ironic way it's even the truth). I presume you don't have to go into details at this stage, definately not about the real reason, i.e the cheating.
and that he can still spend time with his daddy (don't know if this will happen, but I hope so).

KomradeBishop

He sounds like an extremely manipulative person OP, under no circumstances can he be trusted - I definitely echo what others say: You should talk to someone close to you (in confidence if you don't want it known widely), and lay out all the facts to them, so you can get the reinforcement of another persons opinion.

You have to protect yourself from him - because he is well practiced at manipulating/lying-to you, and if you insulate yourself from family/outside-help, that might be playing into his hands.

It'd be best to completely cut contact with him for the moment - if that's possible/practical - outside of arranging time with the kid, so that you can completely kill any chance of him trying to persuade you off your current course, as you don't want him trying to worm his way back onto your good side, so that he can continue mistreating you and abusing your trust again.

Flippyfloppy

furious wrote: »

I highly doubt I'll be taking him back I just want to know the truth so that I can close the issue and move on.

I don't think you'll be getting any truth off him. He'll deny this to the high heavens. I'd say there's way too much to admit to. You know anyway, that's all that matters. If you find yourself wanting to get back with him just remember that it's not as if you were going through a rough patch and he developed feelings for a work colleague etc. His cheating was 100% premeditated, over two years he was physically looking for affairs and putting himself out there. That isn't going to change, and your trust for him has to be shattered.