Ex boyfriend on dating site shortly after we broke up

LegacyUser

So myself and my OH broke up a month ago and it was fairly mutual. Said we still loved each other but he wasn't ready for a relationship and he had plans to move away and try and get some inner demons fixed. He still loved me but feels like he is a loner and not relationship material

Imagine my shock then when I land on an online dating site and his profile is the first to come up.

I know I shouldn't feel anything towards this and he has every right to go find love online and find someone that makes him happy... and I do want him to be happyetc... but I can't help but feeling a little hurt and upset. This is probably normal because its some means of closure but I can't help feeling... well what was wrong with me? Why could you love me but not be in love with me?? What could I have done different?
He wasn't perfect but this has got my brain on overdrive thinking of all the good things and thinking ah he wasn't so bad...

I'm 29 and feel at the moment that I'm going to be single for another long period and I just feel a little lonely..

Sorry this is a bit of a rant and maybe just asking for reassurance to see if this is normal.

OneOfThem

There's no reason to doubt what he said, just because he's on a dating site. He just didn't want a relationship, nothing specific about you. Lots of men just use dating sites for sex/casual dating. He's not particularly on there looking for love or another relationship. Only a month after his previous relationship ending he's almost certainly not on there looking for another relationship.

Just wasn't meant to be between you two. Free's you up to find someone where it is. Exciting times sure, every morning when you wake up from now on you know it could be the day you meet the love of your life. It's fun. Enjoy it.

(just to addadd, if he has 'looking for a relationship' as his status or whatever there, that's meaningless and in no way contradicts the above.)

LegacyUser

But...you were on the dating site aswell if you saw him I'm presuming?
Tbh, when I broke up with my most recent ex I went on a dating site purely to get mind off the breakup for awhile. He's probably doing the same thing

baby and crumble

exonline wrote: »

Imagine my shock then when I land on an online dating site and his profile is the first to come up.

How can you be mad or upset with him when you're on the same dating site the same amount of time after ye mutually broke up?

pookie82

baby and crumble wrote: »

How can you be mad or upset with him when you're on the same dating site the same amount of time after ye mutually broke up?

I assume her shock related to the fact that the break up stemmed from his inability to commit to *anyone* or want *anything* and then lo and behold he's out there hunting within weeks ...

OP, I'd agree with the above poster who said he's probably seeking meaningless hook ups or sex. Doubtful he's looking to delve into meeting the love of his life this soon after a break up.

Years ago a guy broke up with me claiming he didn't want a gf and two weeks later I saw him with someone else. Hurt a lot at the time, but ultimately he didn't want a gf in ME. Even if that's the case here, you dodged a bullet, and you'll move on and find someone who does.

I would try not to follow him on anything, check his updates, snoop in any way etc. or you'll torture yourself. Let him "have at" and make your own effort to explore your new single life yourself.

via4

The way women get over a break up is to cry and talk with their friends and have an alone period. Men get with someone else to get over their exes. In a weird way it actually shows he is trying to get over you which means of course there was feelings there on his part. It looks like on the outside wow they have moved on so quick but it is just their way of not being suck at home thinking.

skallywag

exonline wrote: »

Imagine my shock then when I land on an online dating site and his profile is the first to come up

OP, you must surely see the pot-kettle side of your argument?

StonyIron

You broke up! It's no longer any of your business.

You need to let go and move on. Otherwise you risk becoming a stalker ex.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. definitely helping

Yeah the hurt stems from him saying he wasn't relationship material and then he is off on a site. I didn't create a profile but in truth I had played with the idea as I had no issues with the relationship apart from us being on different pages and stages in our lives.

I guess it is him trying to feel a connection with someone as I know he wasn't doing very well after the break up. We have remained in touch sending one or two texts a week as we feel that as the break up was mutual and pretty good as far as break ups go we wanted to stay friends.

it was the inital reaction of oh.. well.. em.. this is interesting for a commitment phobe or a self professed loner.

but rational side of me is like.. OK well this is going to suck for a bit as breakups go and I just need space and to give myself time to get over it

CaraMay

But you are on a dating site too?

LegacyUser

It's a harsh way to learn the lesson that when someone says "I don't want a relationship", the unsaid part is "with you". It's a lesson worth learning though, you can avoid wasting time hanging around filling your head with tortuous nonsense hoping he'll change his mind. When someone tells you what they think of you and being with you, make sure you listen good. When they say they want to go, hold the door open for them and don't waste another thought. You're both free now, he can do what he likes and you should too.

dudara

Posters - focus on offering constructure advice. One liners questioning the OP are not welcome.

dudara

pgj2015

exonline wrote: »

We have remained in touch sending one or two texts a week as we feel that as the break up was mutual and pretty good as far as break ups go we wanted to stay friends.

Big mistake here op, don't try to stay friends with an ex you still have feelings for, it will only end in tears.Delete his number, get off facebook if you have to, whatever it takes so you can forget about him more easily. as a man I can confirm that he is very likely not looking for any commitment from anyone on a dating site so soon after a break up.

Barely There

exonline wrote: »

Sorry this is a bit of a rant and maybe just asking for reassurance to see if this is normal.

If you mean 'Is it normal to have jealous feelings towards a recent ex when you see them hooking up with other people?', then yes, it's quite normal.

magicmushroom

exonline wrote: »

Thanks everyone. definitely helping

Yeah the hurt stems from him saying he wasn't relationship material and then he is off on a site. I didn't create a profile but in truth I had played with the idea as I had no issues with the relationship apart from us being on different pages and stages in our lives.

I guess it is him trying to feel a connection with someone as I know he wasn't doing very well after the break up. We have remained in touch sending one or two texts a week as we feel that as the break up was mutual and pretty good as far as break ups go we wanted to stay friends.

it was the inital reaction of oh.. well.. em.. this is interesting for a commitment phobe or a self professed loner.

but rational side of me is like.. OK well this is going to suck for a bit as breakups go and I just need space and to give myself time to get over it

Sorry to sound harsh, but he's probably not on there looking for a relationship...he's more likely looking for no strings attached meet ups.

He may be a loner but everyone wants/needs a sex life.

Not easy for you to think of him with someone else that way I know and I'm sorry - but you need to stop thinking he's looking for a new love - he just wants to take his mind off you and get over the hurt.

silverbolt

observer123 wrote: »

But...you were on the dating site aswell if you saw him I'm presuming?

Thats just what i was thinking?

ARe you annoyed that hes on the website or that he got there first?

OP, youve broken up now and his actions really arent anything to do with you. I know its a harsh way of looking at it but its true. But he might just be looking for a casual hookup nothing special just a fling

magicmushroom

I think the OP is more upset that he was the one that broke it off, stating he didn't want a relationship...but he is now, just 4 weeks later, on a dating website seemingly looking for a relationship.

LegacyUser

magicmushroom wrote: »

I think the OP is more upset that he was the one that broke it off, stating he didn't want a relationship...but he is now, just 4 weeks later, on a dating website seemingly looking for a relationship.

Thats it in a nutshell. We broke up on the basis that we were not on the same page. It was mutual. I wanted something that he couldn't give because he was scared of relationships and emotions.. We tried to make it work and it didn't unfortunately. It was best for both of us I know but it is hard to see that there he is on a site looking when short of a month ago he was saying that we loved each other but couldn't make it work.

pgj2015

exonline wrote: »

Thats it in a nutshell. We broke up on the basis that we were not on the same page. It was mutual. I wanted something that he couldn't give because he was scared of relationships and emotions.. We tried to make it work and it didn't unfortunately. It was best for both of us I know but it is hard to see that there he is on a site looking when short of a month ago he was saying that we loved each other but couldn't make it work.

does he say on the dating site that hes looking for dating or a relationship? even if he says hes looking for a relationship on the site, he might not be.

beks101

exonline wrote: »

Thats it in a nutshell. We broke up on the basis that we were not on the same page. It was mutual. I wanted something that he couldn't give because he was scared of relationships and emotions.. We tried to make it work and it didn't unfortunately. It was best for both of us I know but it is hard to see that there he is on a site looking when short of a month ago he was saying that we loved each other but couldn't make it work.

The "it's not you, it's me" is a textbook break-up line, sometimes it's true, most often it's not IME.

One particular ex of mine told me he "just didn't want a relationship, with anyone, right now", only to rock up to literally the next mutual friends' night out we had a few weeks later with his new girlfriend on his arm. They're still together to this day.

So yeah. He just didn't want a relationship with me. And what of it. That's the way the world spins. What I realized in hindsight was the sheer amount of head fcuk and crap behaviour he saves me from dealing with. The feelings weren't there from his side and really he was just putting me out of my misery by ending it because he'd been hot-and-cold and wishy washy and totally emotionally unavailable with me up to that point. I think with a bit of time and perspective, you'll realize the same thing with this fella.

So he might be looking to get his rocks off or he might be looking for something more serious on this dating site. Big deal. It was going to happen some day anyway, this is just a fast-track path to the closure you need, to know for sure that it's definitely over. Don't dwell on it.

Can I point out the fact that the OP didn't actually say that the guy was on the site looking for a relationship, just that he was there? Unless I'm missing this. People don't have to be looking for love to be on one - casual dating, sex, friends - loads of possibilities.

Here's the thing, OP - you broke up. He's perfectly welcome to do whatever he wants in his single life and the fact that you were on a dating site, but getting annoyed at him being there, is a tiny bit hypocritical and shows that you're not as over the breakup as you might think.

shmalentine

If it makes you feel any better OP, a friend texted me a screenshot of my boyfriend 2 days after we broke up on a dating app. So to me 4 weeks seems like plenty of time. It is never easy though, seeing their profile- essentially advertising themselves to other girls.

Being hurt is understandable, you will get over it as you begin to move on from your relationship. Thinking about why he's on it will absolutely not help with this process though. It's a dark path, don't go down it as it could undo any/all progress you've made so far in relation to getting over him.

He's not on it to hurt you. He may just be on it as a means of getting a bit of an ego boost and to distract himself because as you mentioned earlier he didn't take the break up too great. He might even come across your profile and feel what you're feeling now.

Do your very best to just not give it any more thought.

rainbowtrout

exonline wrote: »

Thats it in a nutshell. We broke up on the basis that we were not on the same page. It was mutual. I wanted something that he couldn't give because he was scared of relationships and emotions.. We tried to make it work and it didn't unfortunately. It was best for both of us I know but it is hard to see that there he is on a site looking when short of a month ago he was saying that we loved each other but couldn't make it work.

The breakup doesn't sound all that mutual to be honest. He didn't want to be in a relationship and has plans to move away. How long has he had those plans? I assume you didn't know about them. How did you come to the conclusion that the breakup was mutual? He gets to remain friends with you, even though you want more and he doesn't. He gets the benefit of continued contact with you, which keeps him in your mind, but you get nothing back in return really, except that you might find it harder to move on.

Also how do you know he wasn't on this dating site prior to your breakup? It might be like other people say, he didn't want a relationship with you, rather than at all. I'd cut contact to be honest, I can't see what you can gain from texting him weekly.

This all sounds like it was quite a recent thing, you said he didn't want a relationship and you did in your OP. You can't have been going out that long if it was only getting to that discussion. Telling you he loved you, but at the same time wasn't ready for a relationship with you doesn't sound like you were together all that long? Perhaps you were more invested in dating him, than he was in you.

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

People don't have to be looking for love to be on one - casual dating, sex, friends - loads of possibilities.

Exactly.

OP I think the real problem here is that you were on the site with the intention of looking for what she had just lost, a relationship. That doesn't mean that he was on the site for the same reasons.

LegacyUser

We were together just over a year and to be honest the plans only really came up in the last three months of our relationship.

I was the one that ended it which is why I felt it was sort of mutual. We had both been fairly non committal until that point but yeah I suppose I did want something a bit more after being with him so I guess you're right. near the end of the relationship neither of us were feeling that into it.. we were more friends who just cuddled when it boiled down to it. That was not something I wanted in the relationship. So I guess thats where I felt it was more mutual. I was sad and all for in essence losing a friend and I still miss talking to him every day and that.

I've had a few days to calm down, keeping myself busy with the gym, volunteer work, meeting friends so I've had time to think and a lot of what everyone is saying is right. He is entitled to wanting to connect with someone whether it be sex or otherwise... He more than likely is there for the same reason that I was tempted to go on a dating site... to get an ego boost or feel a little less empty after a breakup. I'm going to focus a little more on me... I've unfollowed him, keep my phone at a good distance and try and keep busy so I'm not tempted to snoop and hopefully I'll get over this with and come back fighting.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The breakup doesn't sound all that mutual to be honest. He didn't want to be in a relationship and has plans to move away. How long has he had those plans? I assume you didn't know about them. How did you come to the conclusion that the breakup was mutual? He gets to remain friends with you, even though you want more and he doesn't. He gets the benefit of continued contact with you, which keeps him in your mind, but you get nothing back in return really, except that you might find it harder to move on.

Also how do you know he wasn't on this dating site prior to your breakup? It might be like other people say, he didn't want a relationship with you, rather than at all. I'd cut contact to be honest, I can't see what you can gain from texting him weekly.

This all sounds like it was quite a recent thing, you said he didn't want a relationship and you did in your OP. You can't have been going out that long if it was only getting to that discussion. Telling you he loved you, but at the same time wasn't ready for a relationship with you doesn't sound like you were together all that long? Perhaps you were more invested in dating him, than he was in you.

Angelita

I wouldn't get too worked up about this. His main aim is likely to give his ego a bit of a massage. Online dating sites are a great way to reinforce confidence. You may even have signed up yourself with that at the back of your mind.

I understand the mixed emotions. I too split with my boyfriend recently and while I've been encouraging him to go after other girls a part of me would be devastated at the thought of it. It's difficult to break up with someone you love. You genuinely want the best for them but it will mean pain for you.

I've also been tempted to sign up for online dating which I put down to ego. On the other hand, shortly after the break up I did go on a could-be date with a guy who's showed interest over a long period of time. I'm not ready to date. This is the perfect example of the confused mental state he's likely in. Wants to know he's still got options. Maybe wants to hook up with someone in the future but at the moment he doesn't. There are many stages to the healing process.

mkhall

Same thing happened to me OP. I was upset at first but the more time has gone on its only reassured me that it's one of the many reasons why I'm better off without him. My confidence was down and just chatting to other guys on the dating app has helped restore it a bit again. Hang in there