Child smells of smoke after play date.

zeffabelli

meeeeh wrote: »

I think people should relax a bit. It's a play date every so often, she is not living there. I am not being apologetic and I do think smoking in the house with kids is irresponsible.

But the whole 'social services should take the child away' reaction is completely over the top. Parents getting drunk having 'a glass' of wine after kids go to bed are probably placing their kids in a lot more danger than couple of hours per week in a house of a smoker.

This is another symptom of the moralistic perfectionist obsessionality that has taken over parenting.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Yeah I'd agree that while its mind boggling that an adult would smoke around kids, I don't think you should ask her not to smoke in her own house. At 10, you could maybe suggest to your child to leave the room when she starts to smoke.
I wouldn't ruin a friendship over it anyway, it's not the kids fault so don't punish them

looksee

Its more true to say its poor parenting now because in the past people did not realise the dangers of smoking. You can't really compare attitudes now with attitudes 30 or 40 years ago.

I have never smoked, however I grew up with both parents smoking, then married a smoker. My lungs are sound! My adult children don't smoke (one did for a while but gave it up). Yes the smell is stinking and disgusting but I don't think an occasional play-date is going to do any more harm than occasional exposure to traffic fumes or an open fire.

I have had mothers come into my house (when my kids were young) making a huge fuss about their children not being allowed soft drinks or treats - and they really were treats, my own children did not get them on a regular basis - taking it to a point of rudeness. If you want to totally, absolutely shelter your children, keep them at home.

Yes it is a bad example, yes it smells disgusting, but you have to decide how much it matters to you and balance it against your child's friendship.

donegal.

efb wrote: »

2nd hand smoke is full of toxins

it is full of toxins but at the levels her daughter is being exposed to, the effects would be negligible.

iguana

donegal. wrote: »

it is full of toxins but at the levels her daughter is being exposed to, the effects would be negligible.

Maybe in terms of cancer but I always get a vicious sore throat after a few minutes in a room with a smoker. After longer, like at a part with indoor smoking, my eyes start stinging and my sinuses are affected. I can have bad sinus related headaches for days after. In particularly bad cases I've even ended up with earache.

looksee

iguana wrote: »

Maybe in terms of cancer but I always get a vicious sore throat after a few minutes in a room with a smoker. After longer, like at a part with indoor smoking, my eyes start stinging and my sinuses are affected. I can have bad sinus related headaches for days after. In particularly bad cases I've even ended up with earache.

Which suggests you are particularly sensitive to cigarette smoke and would/should not stay in a room where smoking is happening. But the child concerned is not affected in that way, the only complaint is that the child smells of smoke.

madeinamerica

looksee wrote: »

Which suggests you are particularly sensitive to cigarette smoke and would/should not stay in a room where smoking is happening. But the child concerned is not affected in that way, the only complaint is that the child smells of smoke.

See, to me, that is a major problem by itself. A child smells of smoke. It even sounds wrong.

Comparing parents who smoke around kids now with parents in the 70s and 80s is comparing apples and oranges. They didnt know then, now we know it isn't healthy so smoking in the same room/house/car as kids is unacceptable. If you are one of the people whose parents smoked around you and you are fine, then you are one of the lucky ones who werent affected. Many kids arent so lucky and it can affect lungs, asthma etc.

As nicotine is very additive and really really hard to quit (personal experience and from health info), I think it is really wrong to demonise people who cannot give up. (I am so glad that I had given up long before I got pregnant as it would have been hell trying to give up then). However, you can always smoke outside so there is no excuse for smoking where kids are.

OP IMO you are right to be concerned for your child, but you can't really make anyone do anything. You can say it to the mother, but I've a feeling that it won't do much good. you'd be better off having the play dates in your own house.

zeffabelli

madeinamerica wrote: »

See, to me, that is a major problem by itself. A child smells of smoke. It even sounds wrong.

Comparing parents who smoke around kids now with parents in the 70s and 80s is comparing apples and oranges. They didnt know then, now we know it isn't healthy so smoking in the same room/house/car as kids is unacceptable. If you are one of the people whose parents smoked around you and you are fine, then you are one of the lucky ones who werent affected. Many kids arent so lucky and it can affect lungs, asthma etc.

As nicotine is very additive and really really hard to quit (personal experience and from health info), I think it is really wrong to demonise people who cannot give up. (I am so glad that I had given up long before I got pregnant as it would have been hell trying to give up then). However, you can always smoke outside so there is no excuse for smoking where kids are.

OP IMO you are right to be concerned for your child, but you can't really make anyone do anything. You can say it to the mother, but I've a feeling that it won't do much good. you'd be better off having the play dates in your own house.

In the 70s and 80s they were smoking pot around their kids and yes they did know.

Its fine not to like it but its not fine to say all these people are bad parents who dont give a crap about their kids.... that includes most of our own parents.

It's not that we know better, it's that the moral frameworks for parenting have changed.... my generation was raised by hippies, baby boomers, and people fullfilling their dreams.....now that generation has grown up and the latch key kids are now helicopter parents.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I'm sorry but smoking in a car where your child has no option but to breathe in second hand toxins makes you selfish and negligent.

madeinamerica

zeffabelli wrote: »

In the 70s and 80s they were smoking pot around their kids and yes they did know.

Its fine not to like it but its not fine to say all these people are bad parents who dont give a crap about their kids.... that includes most of our own parents.

It's not that we know better, it's that the moral frameworks for parenting have changed.... my generation was raised by hippies, baby boomers, and people fullfilling their dreams.....now that generation has grown up and the latch key kids are now helicopter parents.

I think you are agreeing with me there but I'm not sure? as I said, comparing parents now (when we know it is bad) to parents in the 70s (who probably didnt know better) is not right.

were you raised in Woodstock? seriously? hippies, baby boomers and people fulfilling their dreams... not many of them around in Ireland when I was growing up think that is the USA

I will say that I do think if someone smokes around their kids now, they are not being a good parent.

zeffabelli

madeinamerica wrote: »

I think you are agreeing with me there but I'm not sure? as I said, comparing parents now (when we know it is bad) to parents in the 70s (who probably didnt know better) is not right.

were you raised in Woodstock? seriously? hippies, baby boomers and people fulfilling their dreams... not many of them around in Ireland when I was growing up think that is the USA

I will say that I do think if someone smokes around their kids now, they are not being a good parent.

What I am opposing is the sanctimonius judgementalism that is sprouted from a a contemporary obsessionality with perfectionistic parenting.

You smoke in the house therefore you are selfish and don't give a crap about your child, nor did you parents give a crap about you. Maybe they do lots of other things that make them a better parent than you are, maybe as a non smoker your toxic judgypantsness is teaching your kid how to be a dick.... talking about 2nd hand emotional smog......

My dad not only smoked in the house, he sent me across the road at 6 years olf to buy his cigarettes!!! OH GOD may the flames of bad parenting hell come up and lick his dead soul.

And yeah parents did know about the effects of smoke and also of pot smoke and they didn't give a ****. They even bought pot for their kids. By kids I mean 13+.

madeinamerica

zeffabelli wrote: »

What I am opposing is the sanctimonius judgementalism that is sprouted from a a contemporary obsessionality with perfectionistic parenting.

You smoke in the house therefore you are selfish and don't give a crap about your child, nor did you parents give a crap about you. Maybe they do lots of other things that make them a better parent than you are, maybe as a non smoker your toxic judgypantsness is teaching your kid how to be a dick.... talking about 2nd hand emotional smog......

My dad not only smoked in the house, he sent me across the road at 6 years olf to buy his cigarettes!!! OH GOD may the flames of bad parenting hell come up and lick his dead soul.

And yeah parents did know about the effects of smoke and also of pot smoke and they didn't give a ****. They even bought pot for their kids. By kids I mean 13+.

Perhaps the wording is the issue here. No one is a perfect parent. Rather than "good' or 'bad' parents, it might be truer to say that smoking around kids and knowing it is bad for their health is not a good thing for a parent to do.

If you still think it is ok for parents to smoke around kids, knowing that it is bad for the kids, then we'll just have to agree to disagree.

zeffabelli

madeinamerica wrote: »

Perhaps the wording is the issue here. No one is a perfect parent. Rather than "good' or 'bad' parents, it might be truer to say that smoking around kids and knowing it is bad for their health is not a good thing for a parent to do.

If you still think it is ok for parents to smoke around kids, knowing that it is bad for the kids, then we'll just have to agree to disagree.

I think parents are better in some ways and not better in other ways.... but honestly I am not going to make a claim on who gives a **** about their kids and who doesn't based on a weakness, a flaw, a blindness etc.

She may be making an error in judgement but a character assassination she does not deserve, unless of course the person doing it is a perfect parent themselves........ according to some set of standards I did not consent to of course.

Sligo1

zeffabelli wrote: »

I think parents are better in some ways and not better in other ways.... but honestly I am not going to make a claim on who gives a **** about their kids and who doesn't based on a weakness, a flaw, a blindness etc.

She may be making an error in judgement but a character assassination she does not deserve, unless of course the person doing it is a perfect parent themselves........ according to some set of standards I did not consent to of course.

They may not be a bad parent. But they are certainly an ignoramus. Or perhaps not very well educated imho. And yes perhaps in the 80/90s people were becoming aware that smoking was bad for their health. But in the 70s/80s I don't think they were aware that passive smoking was bad for ones health. And that lady's (the one who smokes constantly in the house around her child) poor child is definitely at risk if it is an everyday occurrence. If she is educated and aware of the harm she is doing to her child than she is being a complete ignoramus in this certain aspect. TAKE NOTE.... I have not said she is a bad parent.

freshpopcorn

I don't smoke and am very sensitive to the smell of smoke. My father's friend is a smoker and was chatting to my father one day through the window of the car. He wasn't smoking at the time. I sat into the car a couple of days later and I could get the smell of smoke.
In my honest opinion unless the woman gives up smoking your daughter is still going to come home smelling of smoke.

pwurple

Ah guys, this is very harsh calling them names. Both my parents and my husband's parents smoke or smoked. One of them has smoking related cancer. They still smoke. It's chemically addictive. I know my mum hates it, she thinks it is disgusting and hates the smell, knows the damage it does. Not ignorant, not stupid, not a bad parent.

I have a relative who keeps a lot of animals in the house . (20+). I don't like the children smelling like a litter tray, but I see want to see those people. so I invite them to our house instead, or we meet at the park. It's no biggie.

It's not that hard to avoid it discreetly. Just make the play dates be elsewhere.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

It doesn't matter whether they're addicted or not. They're not allowed go into a pub or a restaurant and blow smoke into other people's lungs so why is it acceptable to do it to kids and pass it off as "it's an addiction?" I agree that nobody has the right to tell her what to do in her own home but let's not make any bones about the fact if she's smoking in close proximity to the kids then she's selfish af

Sligo1

Yes I have to agree. My MIL smokes and she smokes in her house. But any time I bring the kids over at least she has the decency to smoke outside. If she smoked in front of my children in her own house... Well id simply stop bringing them over.

madeinamerica

Sligo1 wrote: »

Yes I have to agree. My MIL smokes and she smokes in her house. But any time I bring the kids over at least she has the decency to smoke outside. If she smoked in front of my children in her own house... Well id simply stop bringing them over.

For me, this is the most important point here.

I think it it very wrong to demonize people because of an addiction they can't control, especially people who have been smoking for years. But smokers can choose to smoke somewhere else.

(coming from an ex-smoker who would still love a fag)

Sligo1

madeinamerica wrote: »

For me, this is the most important point here.

I think it it very wrong to demonize people because of an addiction they can't control, especially people who have been smoking for years. But smokers can choose to smoke somewhere else.

(coming from an ex-smoker who would still love a fag)

Precisely!

Wesser

OP
I really think you've got to consider the overall picture here and think of your child's overall needs. Sure she's inhaling s bit if smoke but she gaining the benefits of a lovely friendship... Assuming it is a warm and nurturing friendship then this is far more important for her personal development in learning how to make friends etc than a bit of smoke. They might end up being friends for life..... What a gift!

In modern parenting the done thing is to be accusative and rush in all guns blazing to to safe your child from perceived 'harm' however the real picture is that it's much greyer than that.... For example the benefits as outlined above.

Pretending she has asthma or whooping cough when she clearly does not will make you look like a fool

It is more likely that your child will be injured or die in s road traffic accident in the way to her house to be honest.

zeffabelli

Sligo1 wrote: »

They may not be a bad parent. But they are certainly an ignoramus. Or perhaps not very well educated imho. And yes perhaps in the 80/90s people were becoming aware that smoking was bad for their health. But in the 70s/80s I don't think they were aware that passive smoking was bad for ones health. And that lady's (the one who smokes constantly in the house around her child) poor child is definitely at risk if it is an everyday occurrence. If she is educated and aware of the harm she is doing to her child than she is being a complete ignoramus in this certain aspect. TAKE NOTE.... I have not said she is a bad parent.

Maybe she isn't educated, maybe she us and doesn't care, or maybe she has done further studies on some of the dubious studies around second hand smoke and thinks it's cobblers.

No child should stink of smoke, but I don't think it's that much of a health hazard for an occasional play date.

I myself would have far greater concerns for children who are not vaccinated and are given placebo sugar pills, instead of real medicine. That to me is a very real and significant health hazard. But they aren't selfish or uncaring parents .... Are they? Dunno...

pwurple

Did I pick the OP up differently maybe?

She says the woman "smokes in the house". I didn't assume that meant around the children as well... Just in the house, which made everything smell bad, as it does.

If I am reading it right, there are only so many ways you can tell someone their house stinks, before you just avoid going there.

Sligo1

Ahhh u could be right! I picked it up as she smokes in the house around the children....

Sirtoyou

She definitely smokes in the kitchen in the presence of the children.

Jack GrEnglish

I think you'll find your little angel might not be quite as innocent as think.

She and her young friend are probably nicking fags from the mother and smoking them.

sm213

If she doesn't have the respect for her own child not to smoke around her she certainly won't stop for yours.
I smoke but go outside even at home. I don't want my kids breathing smoke and I don't want my home to smell that way.
There's nothing you can say to her to change this.
If its a concern change the venue.

Jack GrEnglish

sm213 wrote: »

If she doesn't have the respect for her own child not to smoke around her she certainly won't stop for yours.
I smoke but go outside even at home. I don't want my kids breathing smoke and I don't want my home to smell that way.
There's nothing you can say to her to change this.
If its a concern change the venue.

Yes but the child will know you smoke and that will make it more likely to take it up in the future.

You're just as bad tbh.

DWG

Here's my two cents,

I would ask the mother if there is any chance your kids are smoking together the last time they were in her house. Tell her the smell of smoke was a little scary and your worried they are smoking. If she has a conscience she will put two and two together but you wont offend her and she will be more careful smoking herself.

Might be worth a go.

DWG

DWG

Sirtoyou wrote: »

Tough spot.
My ten year old daughter comes home from her friends house stinking of smoke. Hair and clothes, usual stuff.
The mother of her friend smokes in the house. We are quite fond of the family and the mother is a lovely person and the girls are very well suited.
Is there a tactful way of addressing the situation without flat out offending the woman or banning my daughter from visiting the house?
All opinions welcome.

Also, as a bould pup myself, at 10 I was smoking with my older cousins, so don't rule it out.

DWG