bad parent - disappointed in my child

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

ch750536

Just to qualify myself I'm a sports coach of kids, studied in sports psychology and take a 'new school' approach rater than old school.

Reading all your posts it's possible his doing well in sports is more important to you than it is to him. It's not for everyone.

He took part and chose not to finish. Perhaps he felt too much pressure to win that he couldn't live up to.

As a parent you have a very simple set of rules to live by:

1. Before an activity tell them you are looking forward to watching them, after tell them how much you enjoyed watching them - in your case 'I really enjoyed the first 800m, you put in a lot of effort.
2. In the car on the way home talk about something else unless they want to talk about the event. LISTEN to what they are saying and ask questions about issues they raise. In your example - 'What do you think went wrong?' Allow them to answer and don't correct them, all aprt of the learning process.
3. Always praise effort with little focus on results. Focus on learning & improving. The only person your son has to beat is himself yesterday.
4. Knock down all barriers to THEIR goals. In your example - start a new athletics club! Sounds mad but I did it in a similar example.

Never show disappointment in your child - it has surprising long term impacts where they are not performing for themselves. Be positive, remove barriers and praise effort.
http://www.therightgoals.com/2014/11/the-drive-to-match.html

eviltwin

mdwexford wrote: »

So much sanctimonious tripe being posted.

Winning is important as is a winning mentality from a young age if playing sports.

There is nothing wrong with being disappointed if your child plays badly in a match or has a bad race etc.

What you call sanctimonious I call good parenting. No one is going to win every race, even a good runner will have off days, there is no shame in that. Sure you can be disappointed for someone if they haven't done as well as they wanted but to be disappointed with him isn't helpful. He's a kid, running should be about fun primarily, put the focus on where he places and he could end up hating it.

ch750536

mdwexford wrote: »

So much sanctimonious tripe being posted.

Winning is important as is a winning mentality from a young age if playing sports.

There is nothing wrong with being disappointed if your child plays badly in a match or has a bad race etc.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MM-psvqiG8

eta - Parents may find some use in this playlist, these are things I consider when coaching.

Wabbit Ears

Went for a run this morning, was going great but ran out of steam and the second half of my run sucked. Also did nowhere near the distance I wanted to. Rookie mistake but I was really enjoying flying it along at 6 am.

Just thought I'd share so the op can be dissapointed in me. excellent service being provided here in this thread. I was dissapointed with myself but since the op feels that it's their place to be dissapointed in others atletic failures I may as well unburden myself.

I'm sure an 11 year old without my life experience would be crushed however as they can't see it for the service that it is.

mdwexford

eviltwin wrote: »

What you call sanctimonious I call good parenting. No one is going to win every race, even a good runner will have off days, there is no shame in that. Sure you can be disappointed for someone if they haven't done as well as they wanted but to be disappointed with him isn't helpful. He's a kid, running should be about fun primarily, put the focus on where he places and he could end up hating it.

I'm referring to people saying the OP has issues and similar over the top stuff. I'm not saying to berate the child or tell him you are disappointed with him in this situation.

I am saying it is perfectly normal to feel disappointed yourself when your kid doesn't win or their performance hasn't done themselves justice.

I remember when I was as young as 10 cracking up whenever id lose a race or my team would lose a match. Being competitive and wanting to win is a good thing imo.

ch750536 wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MM-psvqiG8

eta - Parents may find some use in this playlist, these are things I consider when coaching.

Ill check out the vid later when im home.

Xaracatz

Just a thought.

I did piano lessons when I was a child, and I really enjoyed them. I remember preparing for my first piano exam. Coming up to the exam, I told my mum that I didn't want to do it. It wouldn't have been difficult, but I just knew I really didn't want to do it. I normally enjoyed competing / challenges, but the reason (which I couldn't articulate at the time) was that the piano lessons and playing were relaxing, and introducing this competitive element ruined that for me.

It may not be the same with your son, but it could be that he enjoys running for running, and taking part in competitions puts some stress on him and takes away the enjoyment.

mirrorwall14

Xaracatz wrote: »

Just a thought.

I did piano lessons when I was a child, and I really enjoyed them. I remember preparing for my first piano exam. Coming up to the exam, I told my mum that I didn't want to do it. It wouldn't have been difficult, but I just knew I really didn't want to do it. I normally enjoyed competing / challenges, but the reason (which I couldn't articulate at the time) was that the piano lessons and playing were relaxing, and introducing this competitive element ruined that for me.

It may not be the same with your son, but it could be that he enjoys running for running, and taking part in competitions puts some stress on him and takes away the enjoyment.

Actually on this note as a music teacher and totally OT I'm constantly asking parents to ensure that their kids are getting a chance to learn music that they want to learn and not just 3 exam pieces a year which is very common. About 15 people in my class played piano in secondary school and I'm the solitary one who still plays. I was also the only one who insisted on learning my own music as well as the grade pieces. This is really easy nowadays with YouTube etc. I still have first years coming into me who are stunned at the idea that they can play a pop song on piano?! It's bizarre, a lot of them really just associate it with something they must do for exams and that's it

Elliottsmum79

MisterKipling wrote: »

You've made this whole situation about yourself. You've even come on here looking for support, I wonder has he been able to get any support yet? While you are on here maybe your time would be better spent bringing him for an ice cream or sitting down watching a movie with him and giving him a big hug.
Tell him you couldn't be prouder of him and that he'll come back stronger in the next race.......And get over yourself.

Don't think any helpful comment ever ended with "get over yourself". I think there are two issues here. This is about both the adult and the child. The parent is feeling annoyed and disappointed and is struggling to help their child when feeling this way. Its good that they know and acknowledge their own feeling and that they are clearly are struggling to deal with their own child's "failure to perform". What part of failure is unacceptable to them? How were they parented? What part of this do they want to improve on. Self reflection, self understanding and sometimes therapy can help parents manage their own emotions better and become better parents to their children. So this situation is about the parent, have some compassion for them. I'm always surprised by how people see emotions/ feeling as somehow self indulgent- "situation all about yourself".
As for the child in this, important to ask what they are feeling after the race not to assume their emotions. It would be good to empathise but not to overreact to comfort a child who may be managing this disappointment well. Tell them its ok to feel disappointed/angry, that these feelings will pass. That they made a great effort, and it didnt work out. Perhaps make a plan for the next race. But gently please. Remember the advice to praise effort not outcomes- so the child can have a growth mindset and see the next race as a challenge they can cope with not as a potential source of failure or disappointment to themselves or others. Remind them that they are loved for WHO they are, not what they achieve. Being themselves should always be enough for us as parents, keep that in mind. Good luck

Chemical Byrne

I think you should ease up on him.
It was his first race, he is probably disappointed enough with it himself. Isn't that enough without you giving him greif over it too.

He's 11 for goodness sake, it's hardly a big deal.

If nothing else, he's learned a lesson from this loss.

zeffabelli

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

Actually on this note as a music teacher and totally OT I'm constantly asking parents to ensure that their kids are getting a chance to learn music that they want to learn and not just 3 exam pieces a year which is very common. About 15 people in my class played piano in secondary school and I'm the solitary one who still plays. I was also the only one who insisted on learning my own music as well as the grade pieces. This is really easy nowadays with YouTube etc. I still have first years coming into me who are stunned at the idea that they can play a pop song on piano?! It's bizarre, a lot of them really just associate it with something they must do for exams and that's it

Absolutely. Im going to get music OUT of the exam system...because I want the love to be there first...

Impart the passion, not the measurements and tests and teh achivement will take care of itself.

Id be heart broken if an exam system ruined music for him...it's just too important to risk.

ch750536

Yep, no grading in sports thankfully. Conceptually stupid.

zeffabelli

ch750536 wrote: »

Yep, no grading in sports thankfully. Conceptually stupid.

There's inherent grading: win/lose.

ch750536

zeffabelli wrote: »

There's inherent grading: win/lose.

Most sports the team wins \ loses. It's easy enough to help kids understand that they should only focus on how they performed and not the team. That way no matter what the result when you ask them about the game they will tell you of the things that they personally did really well and most of the time not even mention the result.

CliCliW

ch750536 wrote:

Yep, no grading in sports thankfully. Conceptually stupid.

Martial arts have grading though and it's terrifying.

ch750536

CliCliW wrote: »

Martial arts have grading though and it's terrifying.

Agreed. Both my boys do Karate and the drop out rate at grading times is huge. A class of 30 becomes 20 because failure! I explain it as adults being a bit crap and wanting to brag about how great their kids are. "No matter what happens we still go to the park afterwards, meet with friends and go to karate next week as normal, nothing changes."

eta : They could all learn to use "Yet". 'You're not ready for grading yet.'

cowboyBuilder

Try living your own life and let your kid be himself, he is not a mini version of you or the other parent.

Dangerous for parents to live their athletic/sporting dreams through their kids.

My 3 year old really wants to play tennis with me, I'm afraid to get him into that sport ..