TMI.. Sex post 3rd Degree Tear

LegacyUser

Hi.

Sorry Mods if in wrong place. feel free to move.

I seperated from my partner almost 5 years ago when pregnant. During labour i had a rough time which resulted in a 3rd degree tear and was taken to theatre straight away for repair.

Fast forward to now .. I still havent had sex or done anything sexually since and now an opportunity has arisen.

But I am so stressed thinking about how painful it might be, will he think i feel too loose. Are certain positions out of bounds. .. what about anal??? sorry i know tmi.. but im getting so stressed thinking about it that.

Any advice welcome..

pwurple

I can most heartily sympathise, but I think it's going to be impossible to say how it will be for you, because everyone's anatomy is different, every tear is different, every surgeon is different and every recovery is different.

I had surgical repairs also, after both babies, and another thrown in because the first repair was botched. Nearly all mothers are freaked out about sex after pregnancy, so if it helps at all, what you are thinking is normal.

heldel00

First baby due on Saturday. I really shouldn't have clicked in here!!!:eek:

livinsane

Totally normal feelings. It is scary getting back into it. Take it really slow and don't expect much the first few times - think of it as warming up rather than exercise! Your anxiety will make it harder to relax which will work against you but only time will help that. I'd be honest with the other person too because they need to be mindful of being gentle. You'll work out what's most comfortable. Go for it!

LegacyUser

Would you consider trying with a vibrator or dildo & some lubricant before hand so you can get the initial fear of what it will feel like and whether penetration will hurt you out of the way before trying it out with someone else. You can see if particular angles hurt beforehand so you can give your partner guidance for the main event.

Definitely talk to your partner beforehand, use lubricant, take it gently and advocate for yourself if you're hurting, don't grit your teeth and feel afraid or embarrassed to tell him. If a position or a speed hurts, move and adjust until it doesn't. And if you need a little time to get used to the idea of pentrative sex again, there's plenty of ways to be sexual together that don't involve it.

Dolbert

The first few times after can be a bit like losing your virginity all over again. Take it slowly, communicate with your partner and have lube there just in case!

LegacyUser

Thanks so much ladies for your honest replies, U clearly all know where im coming from.

Congrats Helde100. Ul forget all about once baba arrives.

I honestly wouldnt even have the nerve to use a vibrator... God knows i found smear tests and physio difficult.

im 33 years old and have avoided this for the past 5 years but know i need to get back on the wagon so to speak.

I have told him and I know hes grand about it but im just worried he wont enjoy me either. I feel like damaged goods...

Toots

I'd second the recommendation of a dildo and some lube. I had very extensive repairs done, and I found that after the first few times (which TBH felt like my actual first time all over again) things were grand, but sometimes it would feel uncomfortable where the actual 'scar' is. Take things slow, and let him know to be gentle.

Tasden

[quote="not in a while;97278703"

im 33 years old and have avoided this for the past 5 years but know i need to get back on the wagon so to speak.

I have told him and I know hes grand about it but im just worried he wont enjoy me either. I feel like damaged goods...[/quote]

This is so sad. Don't think of yourself like that. He wants to be with you as a person, not an object for his pleasure, so don't worry like that. Its not something you can change so there's nothing to feel bad about. And you've talked to him about it so its not like he isn't aware or will be shocked or feel duped or whatever. Please don't feel bad about yourself x

Sleepy

OP, it sounds like you're really over-thinking things. It's highly unlikely that he'll find you to be too loose. If anything, you're more likely to be the total opposite after your operations and such a long absence from having had anything inside you.

TBH, as a prospective partner, I'd be more concerned about the fact you've gone 5 years without any kind of sexual activity and your feelings towards sex toys, such a negative / ambivalent attitude towards a crucial part of a relationship wouldn't bode well imo. Rather than worrying about the sex itself it might be worth having a think about whether a sexual relationship is something you actually want or if you just see it as something that's expected of you in order to keep a partner interested. I'm afraid if it's the latter, you should probably either see a professional or try to find a partner with an extremely low libido.

pwurple

TBH, as a prospective partner, I'd be more concerned about the fact you've gone 5 years without any kind of sexual activity and your feelings towards sex toys, such a negative / ambivalent attitude towards a crucial part of a relationship wouldn't bode well imo. Rather than worrying about the sex itself it might be worth having a think about whether a sexual relationship is something you actually want or if you just see it as something that's expected of you in order to keep a partner interested. I'm afraid if it's the latter, you should probably either see a professional or try to find a partner with an extremely low libido.

?? As if her confidence isn't low enough! Find a partner with a low libido? Seek professional help?

OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with building a relationship with someone before having sex with them. And obviously sex toys are not obligatory either if you're not comfortable with them. Take it slow, you'll get there.

Sleepy

pwurple wrote: »

?? As if her confidence isn't low enough! Find a partner with a low libido? Seek professional help?

OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with building a relationship with someone before having sex with them. And obviously sex toys are not obligatory either if you're not comfortable with them. Take it slow, you'll get there.

Nothing wrong with taking things slowly in a relationship at all. My inference from the OP's post is that she's done nothing sexually, whether with someone else or alone, in over 5 years. That would indicate some serious sexual hang-ups or an extremely low libido, both of which would be issues likely to cause major problems in a relationship with anyone that has a normal or high libido.

LegacyUser

Sleepy you couldnt be further wrong.

I am a single parent with very little support.. Even from my ex. i work full time and for the past 5 years have put my time and effort into raising by my child. I can count on one hand the number of times i get out a year and when the opportunty did arrise for a night out i rarely took it as i had been saving to buy a house which I have done this year. So the opportunity to meet someone has been slim to none not to mention i was getting over my previous relationship of 10 years.

I had a fantastic sex life before childbrith and yes i had a very difficult pregnancy and even worse labour which led to 10 months of physio post birth so i most certainly wasnt interested in sex for the first year.

But I also have no intention of just sleeping with someone either for the sake of it. I asked for opinion from people who have experienced what I have and you clearly havent and your reply was far from helpful.

Dolbert

Sleepy wrote: »

Nothing wrong with taking things slowly in a relationship at all. My inference from the OP's post is that she's done nothing sexually, whether with someone else or alone, in over 5 years. That would indicate some serious sexual hang-ups or an extremely low libido, both of which would be issues likely to cause major problems in a relationship with anyone that has a normal or high libido.

Or maybe it indicates severe physical and psychological trauma? Some women have horrific birth experiences. A third degree tear means that the vagina tears all the way to the anus. Try to exercise your empathy and imagine the pain and distress caused by that, and why sex wouldn't exactly be top of the agenda as a single parent. I had a relatively straightforward birth and I was *extremely* anxious about resuming sex.

Sleepy

And wouldn't you think that "severe physical and psychological trauma" is something that might benefit from professional help?

5 years is an incredibly long time to go without sexual activity of any kind, add that to the comment about not having the nerve to use sex toys and I took that to mean the OP hasn't even indulged in masturbation during that time. I'm not a medical professional but I find it hard to imagine that her libido will magically re-appear after all that time. I hope for her sake that I'm wrong but you don't need to be a psychologist to know that a mismatch in libidos is a pretty common source of problems in a relationship and that it might be something the OP would be best advised to address now rather than letting it become a problem down the line.

Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines and the OP only meant that it's just been 5 years since she's engaged in sexual activity with another person? If so, she's nothing to be worried about at all. If not, I'd stand by my initial advice that such a prolonged absence of a libido is something she might want to address by herself before trying to deal with it in the context of an adult relationship where she already clearly feels under pressure to "perform". Re-discovering her sexual appetites may be challenging enough without the fear of disappointing a partner or feelings of guilt for not being as eager to engage in such activity as that partner.

pwurple

Sleepy wrote: »

That would indicate some serious sexual hang-ups or an extremely low libido, both of which would be issues likely to cause major problems in a relationship with anyone that has a normal or high libido.

Or, it means she is a busy single parent who hasn't met someone she wants to have sex with? You don't exactly just drop a 3 year old at the nightclub creche and head out for a ride...


Counselling is very valuable, and if needed, why not. But a couple of small scale attempts with an understanding partner and she might be fine too.

Libido in women is linked often to emotional connection with someone. This is why there is no Viagra for women.

Sleepy

Ok, I'll be blunt: I'm interpreting "no sexual activity" (and the reaction to the suggestion of a sex toy) to mean that the OP has gone 5 years without so much as masturbating.

That seems, to me, to be pretty much the definition of a total lack of libido. Perhaps with a little time and an understanding partner the OP will experience a total sexual re-awakening but, being entirely honest, it would be a concern for me if a prospective partner had that low a libido. I can't imagine I'd be alone in this and since a disparity in libido levels is one of the most common reasons for relationships to fail, I think it's something that might be worth the OP's time to reflect upon.

professore

Speaking as a guy, if your new partner is a decent guy he will be understanding you wanting to be careful, and will not have any issues with your body etc. Men are far less concerned about these things than portrayed in the media. In fact pretty much anything in the media is a pile of horse manure when it comes to how people really are.

It is far more damaging for a guy's self esteem to feel rejected because of your insecurities about you that he will interpret as you not fancying him that way. Sooo ... assuming you ARE up for it, there are lots of things you can do anyway before you go "full on" if you get what I mean :cool:

If you're not up for it, but just doing it to please him, then tell him that. It's very important for a healthy relationship, even if everything else is perfect, if that's not right, it will corrode everything else.

pwurple

Sleepy wrote: »

Ok, I'll be blunt: I'm interpreting "no sexual activity" (and the reaction to the suggestion of a sex toy) to mean that the OP has gone 5 years without so much as masturbating.

That seems, to me, to be pretty much the definition of a total lack of libido. Perhaps with a little time and an understanding partner the OP will experience a total sexual re-awakening but, being entirely honest, it would be a concern for me if a prospective partner had that low a libido. I can't imagine I'd be alone in this and since a disparity in libido levels is one of the most common reasons for relationships to fail, I think it's something that might be worth the OP's time to reflect upon.

You don't need to be blunt, but you could try dropping the amature psychology as you don't know her from Adam.

You're saying that she is damaged goods mentally, and terminally unable to make a relationship work, which added to what she is thinking about herself physically, is utter cruelty and I can't image how you think it could be helpful.

It's also ridiculous, as any women who has had these tears empathises completely with what she is feeling, and got back to normal with an understanding partner. A fear of pain can override any libido.

Dial Hard

pwurple wrote:

You're saying that she is damaged goods mentally, and terminally unable to make a relationship work, which added to what she is thinking about herself physically, is utter cruelty and I can't image how you think it could be helpful.

He didn't actually say that, though, and being completely honest, the OP's reaction to the toy suggestion also made me wonder if there's more going on here than just not having had the opportunity to have sex in 5 years.

Ok, Sleepy may have been a little *too* blunt but I'd tend to agree with him that if it's a case of the OP never even so much as masturbating in the past 5 years I would find that very odd.

Obviously only the OP knows the answer to that question and I don't expect her to answer it here but there is a a big difference between this simply being her first penetrative experience in 5 years, or it being the first time since then that she's been touched in a sexual nature *at all*, even by herself.

Either way, I hope it all goes swimmingly for you, OP.

Chemical Byrne

I think you're being too hard on her sleepy. After a horrificly traumatic birth, and being a single parent I would not blame her for having no interest in sex. It was a terribly sad situation for her to be in.
Im a guy and i would agine sex after a baby arriving would be almost history, not for physical reasons but out of tiredness, busy, stress, etc etc.
Anyway, when someone has their first baby its usual and expected for sex life to enter into the decline phase. Aside from stress and physical issues, personally I think having a pre-kids like sex life is not appropriate if there are children involved. I also disagree that she has a pathologically low libido as you suggest. Women don't masturbate to anywhere near the same extent as men. Women naturally have lower libido and they simply don't need to masturbate anyway.

Sleepy

pwurple wrote: »

You don't need to be blunt, but you could try dropping the amature psychology as you don't know her from Adam.

You're saying that she is damaged goods mentally, and terminally unable to make a relationship work, which added to what she is thinking about herself physically, is utter cruelty and I can't image how you think it could be helpful.

It's also ridiculous, as any women who has had these tears empathises completely with what she is feeling, and got back to normal with an understanding partner. A fear of pain can override any libido.

I'm not saying she's damaged goods (in fact I stated the exact opposite in my OP) so please don't put words in my mouth. I can't see how it's in any way helpful.

All I've stated is that based on what the OP has posted it appears that she seems to have suffered from a very low or non existent libido since giving birth and that this is something she may want to think about before embarking on a new relationship.

Is it really cruel to suggest that taking some time to evaluate her own sexual desires before trying to marry those to a new partners would be a good idea?

Perhaps it's something the OP can work through on her own, or perhaps a professional could help her with that. It's not unusual for someone to benefit from counselling after a traumatic experience which is why I suggested it.

Sleepy

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I think you're being too hard onher sleepy. After a horrificly traumatic birth, and being a single parent I would not blame her for having no interest in sex. It was a terribly sad situation for her to be in. Anyway, when someone has their first baby its usual and expected for sex life to enter into the decline phase. Aside from stress and physical issues, personally I think having a pre-kids like sex life is not appropriate if there are children involved. I also disagree that she has a pathologically low libido as you suggest. Women don't masturbate to anywhere near the same extent as men. Women naturally have lower libido and they simply don't need to masturbate anyway.

I don't even know where to begin addressing everything that's wrong with your post tbh.

Dolbert

Not in a while wrote: »

Sleepy you couldnt be further wrong.

I am a single parent with very little support.. Even from my ex. i work full time and for the past 5 years have put my time and effort into raising by my child. I can count on one hand the number of times i get out a year and when the opportunty did arrise for a night out i rarely took it as i had been saving to buy a house which I have done this year. So the opportunity to meet someone has been slim to none not to mention i was getting over my previous relationship of 10 years.

I had a fantastic sex life before childbrith and yes i had a very difficult pregnancy and even worse labour which led to 10 months of physio post birth so i most certainly wasnt interested in sex for the first year.

But I also have no intention of just sleeping with someone either for the sake of it. I asked for opinion from people who have experienced what I have and you clearly havent and your reply was far from helpful.

OP believe me a lot of us know where you're coming from. There are lots of sympathetic replies from women who have actually been where you are so please take heart from those. If your partner is a good bloke, he'll understand why you're nervous and why you waited. If he tries to make you feel bad about it, he's not the kind of guy you want to sleep with anyway. Hope it goes well for you and don't be afraid to explain your fears beforehand.

Chemical Byrne

Sleepy wrote:

I don't even know where to begin addressing everything that's wrong with your post tbh.

Excuse me?

Your posts seem to be suggesting that she should still have a normal sex life after having a baby and being a single parent. You don't seem to have much sympathy with her situation. I find it a bit unreasonable to expect that.

January

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I think you're being too hard on her sleepy. After a horrificly traumatic birth, and being a single parent I would not blame her for having no interest in sex. It was a terribly sad situation for her to be in.
Im a guy and i would agine sex after a baby arriving would be almost history, not for physical reasons but out of tiredness, busy, stress, etc etc.
Anyway, when someone has their first baby its usual and expected for sex life to enter into the decline phase. Aside from stress and physical issues, personally I think having a pre-kids like sex life is not appropriate if there are children involved. I also disagree that she has a pathologically low libido as you suggest. Women don't masturbate to anywhere near the same extent as men. Women naturally have lower libido and they simply don't need to masturbate anyway.

I have a pre kids sex life with 4 kids... how is it not appropriate?

Chemical Byrne

Really? I wouldn't have thought it would be the norm.

I thought with kids you simply wouldn't have the time, opportunity or be in the headspace for it much. With one, let alone four! 4 is a big family.

And to answer your question, I think it's inappropriate because if there is a child in the house the notion of having sex while they're there in the house would weird me out. It's not that they'd walk in and see what dad is doing to mum or anything, just their presence nearby I would find off putting.

Do you mind if I ask what age bracket you fut into? It's just that with 4 kids I'd assume you might be 40 or so, so I'd imagine at that age and with a family it would be very rare to have a sex life that approaches that of someone if 30 with no kids.

volchitsa

Sleepy wrote: »

Ok, I'll be blunt: I'm interpreting "no sexual activity" (and the reaction to the suggestion of a sex toy) to mean that the OP has gone 5 years without so much as masturbating.

That seems, to me, to be pretty much the definition of a total lack of libido. Perhaps with a little time and an understanding partner the OP will experience a total sexual re-awakening but, being entirely honest, it would be a concern for me if a prospective partner had that low a libido. I can't imagine I'd be alone in this and since a disparity in libido levels is one of the most common reasons for relationships to fail, I think it's something that might be worth the OP's time to reflect upon.

And I'm going to be a little bit blunt to Sleepy too : I really don't think he meant it to come across harshly, and neither do I, but I think Sleepy is making the typically male mistake of equating orgasm with a penis or penis-substitute. Their penises give them so much pleasure they can't really imagine we don't feel exactly the same!

The fact that a woman hasn't used a dildo (and doesn't want to) really doesn't mean that she hasn't any sexual feelings, nor even that she hasn't had an orgasm. And I'm speaking as a heterosexual, and one who actually does (now) enjoy sex toys, but didn't feel the need of one for years, it just didn't do anything for me. I think I was over 40 before the idea of getting one held any attraction for me, and I don't know what changed that. It just happened as I got older.

But it is really important not to underestimate the fear after a major tear, and that's obviously got scarier because of the time that's passed and the fact that it's a new relationship with all the uncertainly that involves.

OP, I had a medium tear after my second child, and it terrified me. Funnily enough, I was fine after the first birth, though I had a tear then too, but the second birth was quite traumatic, so even though the tear was (so I'm told) smaller I had pain for several months after. So when I had the third child, I was terrified that it would be even worse again, and was putting it off for weeks. I was lucky to have a nice midwife for check-ups, and mentioned this to her, and she said it all looked grand, and to have a couple of glasses of wine and I'd be fine - and I was. A lot of it is about fear, and I think now if I'd had someone to reassure me even after the seond birth , I probably wouldn't have been sore for as long then either.

Anyway, best of luck, and I'm sure you'll be grand, it's just getting back into it that's the worry.

January

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Really? I wouldn't have thought it would be the norm.

I thought with kids you simply wouldn't have the time, opportunity or be in the headspace for it much. With one, let alone four! 4 is a big family.

And to answer your question, I think it's inappropriate because if there is a child in the house the notion of having sex while they're there in the house would weird me out. It's not that they'd walk in and see what dad is doing to mum or anything, just their presence nearby I would find off putting.

Do you mind if I ask what age bracket you fut into? It's just that with 4 kids I'd assume you might be 40 or so, so I'd imagine at that age and with a family it would be very rare to have a sex life that approaches that of someone if 30 with no kids.

Well then you obviously haven't got kids

I'm 28 btw, hubby is 37. We manage to have sex most nights of the week and sometimes during the day if they kids are out or the baby is napping the the others are in school.

Anyways, this is all a bit off topic, it's totally not inappropriate for the OP to have a sex life as a single parent. It's her life and as long as she's not doing it in front of the child she can do what she wishes in that regard.

Dial Hard

volchitsa wrote:

And I'm going to be a little bit blunt to Sleepy too : I really don't think he meant it to come across harshly, and neither do I, but I think Sleepy is making the typically male mistake of equating orgasm with a penis or penis-substitute. Their penises give them so much pleasure they can't really imagine we don't feel exactly the same!

I don't think he was, tbh. As I said, I took the same undercurrent as he did from the OP's post and I'm female. And, for the record, I don't use a penis substitute when masturbating.

Chemical Byrne

My God, I don't know how ye do it but fair play.

Correct, I don't have any kids yet.
I simply could not relax in such a situation as you describe. I would find it so much pressure and weird having to be constantly thinking about it.

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it in the house either. I'd be more of the mind to do it on the odd weekend away or something.