TMI.. Sex post 3rd Degree Tear

Orion

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Excuse me?

Your posts seem to be suggesting that she should still have a normal sex life after having a baby and being a single parent. You don't seem to have much sympathy with her situation. I find it a bit unreasonable to expect that.

Your post seems to be suggesting you haven't a clue what you're talking about. I find your posting style and pseudo-knowledge extremely unreasonable and I expect better if you are going to continue to contribute to this thread and forum. Additionally, moralistic remarks suggesting parents should not have sex if children are in the house are not welcome here.

Chemical Byrne

OK. My apologies.
I'm just curious on the subject and wanted to share my opinion.
I admit I am not very knowledgeable on such matters.

January

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

My God, I don't know how ye do it but fair play.

Correct, I don't have any kids yet.
I simply could not relax in such a situation as you describe. I would find it so much pressure and weird having to be constantly thinking about it.

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it in the house either. I'd be more of the mind to do it on the odd weekend away or something.

I can assure you your opinions will most likely change once you do have kids.

Chemical Byrne

Do you think? Possibly but at the moment I can't see it.

Every day would be very rare I would imagine. How do ye deal with life's demands and still have time for sex? Impressive! I mean, we can only manage it once a month or so with no kids. Just busy, no time and if time either of us are tired and can't.
Before u had kids how did you and your husband think things would be after?
Did ye have a different mindset before and after?

Orion

OK Chemical Byrne that's enough. Don't post in this thread again. Your posts are completely off-topic at this point.

Chemical Byrne

OK. Sorry for derailing.

I'm out.

Sleepy

Not in a while wrote: »

Sleepy you couldnt be further wrong.

I am a single parent with very little support.. Even from my ex. i work full time and for the past 5 years have put my time and effort into raising by my child. I can count on one hand the number of times i get out a year and when the opportunty did arrise for a night out i rarely took it as i had been saving to buy a house which I have done this year. So the opportunity to meet someone has been slim to none not to mention i was getting over my previous relationship of 10 years.

I had a fantastic sex life before childbrith and yes i had a very difficult pregnancy and even worse labour which led to 10 months of physio post birth so i most certainly wasnt interested in sex for the first year.

But I also have no intention of just sleeping with someone either for the sake of it. I asked for opinion from people who have experienced what I have and you clearly havent and your reply was far from helpful.

Sorry. I didn't see this before my previous posts, I'm guessing the mods only authorised it after I posted?

I'm sorry if you feel my post wasn't helpful, my intentions were the exact opposite. I was never suggesting you just sleep with someone for the sake of it (not that there's anything wrong with that). Having had the experience of sex with someone who experienced a tear, your fears about tightness are entirely unfounded. Some lads like to make silly jokes about "wizards sleeves" etc. but they tend to be the type who wouldn't know how to have a conversation with a woman, nevermind a relationship...

volchitsa wrote: »

And I'm going to be a little bit blunt to Sleepy too : I really don't think he0 meant it to come across harshly, and neither do I, but I think Sleepy is making the typically male mistake of equating orgasm with a penis or penis-substitute. Their penises give them so much pleasure they can't really imagine we don't feel exactly the same!

The fact that a woman hasn't used a dildo (and doesn't want to) really doesn't mean that she hasn't any sexual feelings, nor even that she hasn't had an orgasm. And I'm speaking as a heterosexual, and one who actually does (now) enjoy sex toys, but didn't feel the need of one for years, it just didn't do anything for me. I think I was over 40 before the idea of getting one held any attraction for me, and I don't know what changed that. It just happened as I got older.

But it is really important not to underestimate the fear after a major tear, and that's obviously got scarier because of the time that's passed and the fact that it's a new relationship with all the uncertainly that involves.

I obviously misinterpreted the OP's meaning of "done anything sexually since" but you're just as off the mark by jumping to your "typical man, only thinking with his penis" conclusion

Personally, I thought user_123's suggestion was a good idea that would allow the OP to potentially allay some of her fears in an environment of her own choosing but it's obviously not for her.

tinkerbell

Oh for goodness sake, Sleepy. Your posts are highly offensive - there is nothing wrong with the OP because she hasn't had sex in 5 years nor if she doesn't want to use a sex toy. She is looking for practical advice on how to deal with sex following a third degree tear, not for people such as yourself to demand that she needs a counsellor because she's anxious as to how it'll feel down there. With all due respect, you are a man, not a woman, nor are you a medical professional so you cannot possibly understand the thought processes of a woman following a tear like that. In fact, your suggestion of counselling because of her lack of desire to want to use a vibrator is just ridiculous. So what if she doesn't want to use a vibrator?! Jesus.

And stop trying to make the OP feel bad about herself even more. She's been a single mother for 5 years, has been recovering from the birth for a long time and dealing with a relationship breakup. Give her a break FFS. The concept may be alien to you, but perhaps the OP (like a lot of women) needs to feel good emotionally before she can feel like being intimate.

nikkibikki

Agree 100% tinkerbell.

FWIW OP, sounds like you've worked your socks off over the last few years all on your own. You should be so proud of yourself for what you've achieved. You sound like a fantastic mother. Your child is lucky to have you.

Also FWIW, I don't think your attitude towards sex is unhealthy at all and I'd be exactly the same as you about sex toys. Don't feel the need for them! Sex first time after pregnancy isn't comfortable for anyone I would guess but use plenty of lube for it and it'll make things much easier. Sounds like you've got a lovely fella there!

Neyite

OP, I had a c-section delivery and was very nervous afterwards. Illogical I know, but that's the brain for you! I knew I was physically grand and I knew that it was literally all in my head, but the physical changes in general all had a knock on effect.

A suggestion that I know works is to mix in vaseline with usual lube. But that wont work in a new relationship because the oil-base of vaseline will harm barrier methods like condoms which you will need in a new relationship. Having said that, there might be either a suitable condom that can be used with an oil based product, or a suitable long lasting lube that wont harm a condom - so would you consider talking to a good family planning professional who knows their stuff about lubes and condoms that are compatible?

Sleepy

tinkerbell wrote: »

Oh for goodness sake, Sleepy. Your posts are highly offensive - there is nothing wrong with the OP because she hasn't had sex in 5 years nor if she doesn't want to use a sex toy.

I suppose if you want to find offence you'll find it regardless of the contents of the actual posts.

Nowhere did I state that not having sex for 5 years, nor wanting to use a sex toy was anything wrong and I've already admitted I misinterpreted the OP's statement to mean that she hadn't so much as masturbated in 5 years. Not that there'd be anything wrong with that either, but if someone's libido was so low as not to have come to the surface for over 5 years, it'd be something to consider strongly before getting into a relationship as the vast majority of people wouldn't want an asexual partner and I thought the OP had gone through enough without enduring the heartache of her first relationship in a long time failing due to mis-matched libidos.

With all due respect, you are a man, not a woman, nor are you a medical professional so you cannot possibly understand the thought processes of a woman following a tear like that.

So I need to be a medical professional to understand women now? :rolleyes: As it happens, an ex of mine went through a similar experience so I might have a little more insight than you think.

In fact, your suggestion of counselling because of her lack of desire to want to use a vibrator is just ridiculous. So what if she doesn't want to use a vibrator?! Jesus.

Again, my suggestion of counselling was nothing to do with her lack of interest in using a vibrator. It was in relation to my interpretation of her post to mean she had experienced no interest in "anything sexual" for over 5 years i.e. a total absence of libido for a long period of time. While I wouldn't go so far as to say such a thing was unhealthy, it would certainly fall outside the norm. If re-kindling that libido was something a person was interested in, professional help could be useful. If that person had no interest in reviving their libido but still wanted the companionship of a relationship, it would make sense to discuss that with any prospective partner before embarking on a relationship that was doomed to failure.

And stop trying to make the OP feel bad about herself even more. She's been a single mother for 5 years, has been recovering from the birth for a long time and dealing with a relationship breakup. Give her a break FFS. The concept may be alien to you, but perhaps the OP (like a lot of women) needs to feel good emotionally before she can feel like being intimate.

Where have I at any time tried to make the OP feel bad about herself? I seem to have touched a nerve with a few posters on here with the suggestion that a total lack of libido would be off-putting for most prospective partners and I'm sorry if that upsets anyone but it's not exactly an outrageous statement.

Day Lewin

Speaking as a veteran, mother of several - with decades of experience in the ups-and-downs of marriage with all its physical intimacies;

Dear OP
- the place you are in is normal enough. Things do come around again, given patience and humour. Lock the door. Use plenty of lubricant. Take time to play, enjoy and discover. No need to rush the full Monty. Enjoy!

Jerrica

Sleepy wrote: »

So I need to be a medical professional to understand women now? :rolleyes: As it happens, an ex of mine went through a similar experience so I might have a little more insight than you think.

Ah Sleepy, the hole's getting bigger now. You (a) haven't had a baby (b) don't have a vagina that's been torn during childbirth. All the OP wanted was empathy from people who've been through similar, not armchair psychology from someone who can never understand what her issue feels like. You've had insight into your exes issues, not the OP's. And there is no universe where it is appropriate to say that future partners might find a lack of libido off-putting in response to the OP's question. The girl wants help, not a warning about how her trauma might affect future men in her life. Your posts now are just coming across as trying to prove how much you're not wrong.

OP I had a 2nd degree tear after my daughter was born - I never knew that something as simple as peeing could make me cry so hard. So if that was what a 2nd degree tear was like then I can't imagine the trauma of a 3rd degree. It took a while to get back on the sex-horse, along with a lot of patience and understanding, but it's caused no long-term difficulties. If anything it's better according to him (possibly lip-service, but I'll take it ). Any feelings of fear or apprehension are so entirely normal, but the fact that you're aware of them is such a great start. Best of luck!

Orion

Jerrica - men are just as welcome to contribute as women. Because he doesn't have a vagina doesn't make his opinion any less valid. Less of the personal attacks please.

Ms2011

OP I had my baby in April & suffered a 3rd degree tear. I was totally unprepared for the extent of recovery needed afterwards, having had a section previously & recovered fairly quickly I thought recovery from a natural birth would be a walk in the park, I was so wrong.
It took 3 months before I could even sit comfortably again & a further 2 before I could pluck up the courage to have sex again.
I won't lie, the first time was a little painful (kinda like losing your virginity again) but the more we got into it & I relaxed the better it felt.
Alot of the tension I felt was what I had built the expecting of the first time to be when the reality wasn't nearly as bad.
FYI my husband was just as nervous as me, we used plenty of lube & I took the lead, made me feel more relaxed to know I was in control & could set a pace I was comfortable with or stop whenever I felt the need.
Good luck, enjoy this time in a new relationship x

volchitsa

Ms2011 wrote: »

Alot of the tension I felt was what I had built the expecting of the first time to be when the reality wasn't nearly as bad.

Good luck, enjoy this time in a new relationship x

Yes, this is what I fell happened to me after my second birth - the fear of pain made it less pleasant than it needed to be. It wasn't unbearable, but I was uncomfortabl for a while after, whereas with the thrid (a big baby and a bigger tear, the midwife reassured me and I was grand after the first time (or maybe couple of times, I can't now rememebr).

But in any case, none of it was unbearable, just less pleasant than usual. And I don't believe your partner will notice any sort of problem from his point of view. I'd be less surprised if a previous partner noticed a change - and I don't think they usually do (or at least not a physical one!) so there's no reason to think a new partner will notice anything untoward. Especially some years after giving birth.

Good luck anyway. It'll be grand!