Living with ex wife

LegacyUser

Im a guy in my 30s, had been with my ex for most of my life - since our teens. We got married in our mid 20s, had kids, built a house (on my family's land which makes the house situation even more complicated).

She cheated on me recently and the relationship is now fully over. No physical contact any more and nothing to salvage there. I've accepted it - tried to move on and meet new people but still find it difficult some times.

We still get on very well as friends - there is rarely tension in the house around the kids. We are trying our best to keep the family home as is was for our kids.

At the moment there is little hope of either of us moving out as we have a big mortgage - so its either keep trying to live together or sell the house, go our separate way and move the kids from their home - which i think would kill me more than anything else (taking the kids from their home and selling the home that was built on family land).

At the moment i can still read my kids a bedtime story in their own beds - hug them goodnight and be close to them at all times. Which like i said is the last thing in the world i want to change.

I guess what I'm looking for here is some advice. Has anyone done this before, lived with an ex with your children as 'parenting partners' I guess?

I know a lot of people will say - no, not a hope. It will effect the kids etc. But we do genuinely still get on well as friends.

Any advice much appreciated.

Merkin

Someone close to me grew up in such an environment and she says it was an unmitigated disaster and it would have been far better for all concerned if they had just separated. Staying together is honourable but it is disingenuous ultimately and makes for a very disfunctional and confusing environment for little ones. The crux of the matter is that the relationship has ended and this will resurface time and again, I.e. When your wife gets a new boyfriend, or you meet a new partner, questions about sleeping separately etc etc. I'd really advise speaking to a solicitor. You say there is nothing to salvage so if that's the case you are better making a clean break, it is the fairest thing on all concerned.

LegacyUser

Thanks merkin - appreciate the reply. We are sleeping in separate rooms and try to give each other a lot of space. We have tried to keep it all equal and have both met other people so it does seem to be working out ok for now.

I can hear what you're saying about your friend - but does that not just depend on the type of relationship that his / her parents had? If it was bitter and with constant tension in the house then of course that is not a healthy living environment and could never work.

I would never even consider raising my kids in a home where there was constant tension. That would never work and would just be horrible for everyone involved.

However we are really trying to have a positive home for our kids. We talk a lot, are very open and honest with each other - in many ways we are now closer friends than before.

Of course its not a perfect situation.... but for me removing one of the parents from our home - away from the kids seems so much worse in my eyes.

fits

people will tell you it wont work but I dont think theres a one size fits all approach to these situations. Families come in all shapes and sizes and permutations now. Ultimately its up to you both to decide whats best for your family.

Taboola

My parents separated and when I was 8 and my sister was 5 and stayed living together. I'm 28 now it's horrible. They both have new partners now (10+ years) and stay in their houses some nights a week. There are still neighbours who don't know they've broken up. I've lost count of the amount of times that people have said 'I saw your dad with a woman in town' or 'Who's that person I saw your mum with" and i've to explain that my parents aren't together anymore but still live together.

Playing happy families doesn't work. It was confusing for me and confusing for everyone and caused more drama than if they had both gone their separate ways.

ash23

I only lasted about a month living with my ex when we broke up. It was horrendous. I know you both get along well but longer term, I can't see how it would continue to work. Would you be ok with her having a boyfriend over or knowing she's spending the night with another man and vice versa?
Will you be able to meet anyone when you still share a home with your ex? Most women will run a mile and with good reason.
I think it will all go to hell in a handbasket when one of you starts moving on. It's very rare that a separated couple are both over the marriage at the same time. One will always end up left behind.

I think it would work short term but eventually will end badly.

pookie82

I can't give advice from a "I've been there" point of view, but what I can give is the advice of someone you're potentially hoping to meet. How on earth could you ever expect another woman to put up with this? You mention in a reply above you've both met other people ... are they fully aware of your situation? Because if so, you've hit upon two very understanding people. How is this going to work if the kids catch wind of them? And if you plan on keeping them from the kids, how can your relationships with them ever become anything meaningful? You risk sounding like the old cliche when you meet another woman: "listen I still live with my wife for the kids but there's nothing left there, it's just for them".

The poster above who mentioned her parents staying together but seeing others made a good point ... imagine in years to come your kids being told in school "I saw your Dad with another lady in town on Saturday" and so on.

It's doesn't sound very feasible to me long term unless you both sacrifice the opportunity to move into new relationships until the kids have grown and left the house. Are you willing to sacrifice your life like that?

I get that the logistics re home ownership and mortgage is a stickler here but it might be something you just have to just grin and bear, as a consequence of your marriage not working out.

What prompted you to post here, by the way? Your OP and reply kind of indicate to me you're happy enough in the set up and think it's working well, but there must be something telling you this isn't feasible long term?

OneOfThem

I think you'd want to give a lot of thought to the realities and the practicalities in terms of when one or both of you start dating and/or begin new relationships.

Firstly in how dramatically the fact you live with your ex wife and the mother of your children will reduce the pool of potential future partners you could have a relationship with. How many women would be cool with entering a relationship or even doing someone in your situation? Some, sure, but the odds are against you.

How would you feel about her asking you to vacate the house for the night so she can bring her new guy back for a nice romantic night culminating in crazy wild sex in the bed you previously shared with her? Maybe the guy she cheated on you with perhaps?

What happens when a relationship either you or her have becomes serious and gets around to the moving in together phase? They move in and the three of you live there with the kids? Not going to happen. So ultimately it'll mean one of the two of our moving out anyway.

Short term maybe you could make it work. But unless you both intend to take a vow of celibacy I think it's going to be very hard for this not to unravel in cluster fvck fashion sooner or later.

LegacyUser

I have been there OP and I'm prob going to give an answer many won't agree with but as a kid in that situation it really didn't have much impact on me. My parents split but it was never annouced offically to us (my siblings and I) They didn't have any massive rows or anything in front of us. My dad just moved into the spare bedroom one day and it became his room. Honestly I didn't find that much of an issue. Both of my parents worked so got out of the house, they both had their own hobbies and interests that kept them entertained, they got on as friends and were always there for us as kids. The only time I remeber that I got annoyed was when they sat me down on my own when I was in my early 20's and talked about it with for the first time and asked me if they thought the situation had a negetive impact on the younger kids and I was annoyed as they didn't ask if it had impacted me but when I thought honestly about it, it hadn't so I got over it.

Now there may well have been a lot of issues going on behind the scenes I wasn't aware of. They were older, mid 40's, not sure what age your kids are OP but youngest in our hosue was 9 when it started, I was the oldest at 13. I don't know (and don't really want to think about) my parenst sex lives, niether appeared to be interested in dating, my dad passed away due to a work acident when he was in his mid 50s and my mum is now mid 60s and has never dated nor shown any interest in meeting someone. I've never spoken to her about it. We had aunts and uncles who split up and remarried so they didn't stick together for fear of being judge by family or anything. They had a set up that worked for them, I can't say it would work for you or anyone else as everyone and every situation is different.

R.D. aka MR.D

i just wanted to add a story about my ex. He grew up in a house where his parents weren't together as a couple but still lived together. In fact, they stayed living together after all the kids had moved out. They got on great. You wouldn't have known from the outside looking in that they weren't a 'normal' happy family.

The whole situation really messed with my ex's head. He said it was terrible and it gave him really warped views about marriage and stuff like that. He always maintained that he would have preferred if his parents had just gone their separate ways. His siblings agreed.

beks101

I read somewhere once that parenting is about choosing between the day and the years.

I think that's a question you need to think long and hard about. What's better for your children - the short-term benefit of being able to read bedtime stories to them in this lovely house they call home, versus the long-term issue of how they come to see healthy relationships, and how you and your partner living separate lives in all ways but one (co-parenting) will impact their own lives. What's going to be healthier and happier for them?

It's a deeply individual and personal question which only you, in your own set of circumstances, can answer.

Long term, your current situation will evolve; you and your wife will move on at different paces and new people will be introduced to the equation. What's the game plan for that? Your children will notice the separate bedrooms and the lack of romance and affection. How will that be explained? People outside the family home will continue to treat you and your wife as a married couple, which will be confusing for your children. How will you deal with that?

Personally, I think honesty and transparency with your children is going to be the best course, regardless of which path you choose. If you decide to stick out your current plan - sit them down and explain that mammy and daddy are no longer a couple; but you will always be a family and will live together as one. I think any attempt to shield them from the reality of the situation is going to cause the most damage in the long-term.

zeffabelli

It would be really nice if you could do this and the way could do this is if the culture accommodated it.

But it doesn't.

It confuses the community and it confuses your children.

It will lead to self concious questions from their peers, questions they can't answer and questions that will bring them more confusion.

Because it's a model of living that is aberrant, especially as both of you find new lovers/partners etc no one will know where you or they stand.

And your kids are modelling themselves on you, hard to do that when you're confused.

It will also depend on the mindsets of the children. I was a kid who really needed clarity and this kind of confusion would have stressed me out no end. Maybe some other natures are better at it. Think about how your kids are...I don't think they are so good generally with this kind of blurring.

amdublin

Some very informative posts here.

But I am going to disagree a little. I think alot of the examples given come from a different time when most families looked "normal" (whatever that is!!) and families of different shapes and sizes were unusual. For example I'm in my 30's from Dublin and in my primary school there was just one single parent family.

And agree back in the day it would be strange to see a dad with another lady. But nowadays people could very logically conclude they must be separated...perhaps because people are more open with the community and kids now.

Nowadays families come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Single parent families. Separated parents. Divorced parents. Same sex parents. So this family is separated as partners but living together as a family unit.

My personal opinion would be to make sure you are open to everyone about it. Firstly of course to the children. And secondly to teachers and the community and future partners hold your head up high "I'm separated from my wife but we live in the same house with our children as a family". What of it!

laserlad2010

amdublin wrote: »

Some very informative posts here.

But I am going to disagree a little. I think alot of the examples given come from a different time when most families looked "normal" (whatever that is!!) and families of different shapes and sizes were unusual. For example I'm in my 30's from Dublin and in my primary school there was just one single parent family.

A consistent message from most posters is that the dynamic within the home was the issue - a toxic environment. That's the message we are trying to get across to the OP - that mostly it doesn't work, and that kids are perceptive and will suffer as a result.

amdublin

laserlad2010 wrote: »

A consistent message from most posters is that the dynamic within the home was the issue - a toxic environment. That's the message we are trying to get across to the OP - that mostly it doesn't work, and that kids are perceptive and will suffer as a result.

Agree. But I think the op has pointed out the dynamic is good they are even better friends than ever?

tara73

sorry in advance for being a bit uncomfortable here, but when I read your opening post, my first intuiton was: what is he asking?

because you say it's all well and you are friends now with your wife, there's no tension around the kids...if it's so perfect, what's the problem? why do you feel the need to open this thread if all is ok ?

so I don't believe there's no tension between you and the wife who cheated.
and almost 100% the kids picking up on it. they probably won't show or say anything, but it's all going on in their little heads.
You sleep in different rooms, how can the kids not notice that? didn't they ask you about it? probably not, but again I'm sure they ask themselves what's going on and this uncertainty is really confusing and frightening for them.

The thing is, I think you want so much to stay in the house with your kids, that you tell yourself everything is fine with the situation you have now with your wife, but it's not.

I don't have the right solution, you need to find that yourself.

But I think you need to look ahead a bit, you need to ask yourself if it's ok for you to live with your wife who cheated on you and will probably sooner or later have another partner. How will that be, still living together under one roof with her and the kids, she rushing off to the new guy?
Or maybe you'll have a new partner or date? How would that be? You would need to hide it I guess, so that the kids won't notice...but they will notice. I presume you say now you won't want to have another partner for the sake of the kids...
See, all this things, and I think there will be so much more, financials etc. do you really think it will all work out?
I see so much stress, hassle and like the majority is saying here (and in similar threads), a clean cut most of the time is better than parents staying togehter for the sake of the kids. Better for the kids, for you, and the wife.

And regarding your house on the family land, why can't she move out? She cheated, she doesn't respect you and the kids very much impov. Maybe she'll be ok with moving out anyway? Did you ever mention this to her? (depends on the age of the kids though, can't find you stated how old they are, if they are very small it's a more difficult thing with her moving out though)

Shrap

I've seen this happen among friends and neighbours a few times, with varying degrees of success. The most successful (obviously in terms of lack of impact on children and respect for each ex's space/lives) were where either a part of the house could be made into an apartment type space with a definite divide, or where there was enough land to create a separate living arrangement like a mobile home or chalet. Essentially, if you're the kind of people who can be this civilised and grown-up about the situation, then you'll probably meet future partners who would take this on as an unusual but do-able situation.

One of the separated couples I know did have too much residual bitterness to cope with the proximity, but now that one has moved (but is still 100% involved with the kids and the way they shared out access and responsibilities), both the exes lives are in a constant turmoil of missing clothes and school-books between houses, lifts between houses, one child here and another two there (due to after school activities, etc.) and they both seem to have far less time than before for anything personal, plus they now have to scrape together (but separately now) the mortgage and rent for new place every month. The kids are totally fine though, and have adapted beautifully because they still see as much of each parent, but the bitterness between the exes has increased if anything due to the financial difficulties.

So I'm not sure I understand your question really. Is it to ask if this is a viable long-term choice under the circumstances? Yes, IMO, if you're prepared and able to keep communicating with each other and prepared to adjust some arrangements if one of you feels it's untenable at some stage in the future.

Shrap

30sguys wrote: »

I guess what I'm looking for here is some advice. Has anyone done this before, lived with an ex with your children as 'parenting partners' I guess?

Sorry now, just spotted your actual question! I've not done this myself so all I know about it is written above, but I have co-parented very successfully with my eldest's father and would be happy to live next to him (although sharing a house as friends would be a bit of a stretch). We've been separated 16 years now, and I'd say it took the first 3 years to feel entirely comfortable with each other with no residual hurt. However, I'm not sure that would have been so quick if either of us had been "living in each other's ears" as they say.

Is there any way to create a bit more distance for yourself?

Colser

I think the issue here is the house and youre reluctance to let it go(which is understandable). I wonder if you were renting or owned a house that wasnt on family property would you have stayed together for the childrens sake despite the cheating?You would find it very difficult to get your wife to leave the house and she is entitled to half(I presume) so really this is the only option if you wont sell it.
Its very hard to move on when you stay living together despite what you say about being friends and I dont think splitting up would affect the children if youre both good parents.
Splitting up the assets and all it entails is a difficult situation even when youre on amicable terms and it can be easier in ways to stay living together but I dont recommend it.If you can see the house as just bricks and mortar I would advise selling up and moving on or you could end up spending years in an ok but not great situation.
Mediation may help you both to come to an agreement if you did decide to live apart.

Augme

Everyone's dynamic is different. I find it strange how it could be a toxic environment unless both parents have a problem with each other or are trying to find the fact they are separated from their kids/families. Once you make it clear to your kids and everyone else what the situation is, and keep reminding them then I don't see how it can go so badly wrong.

Similar you will hear bad stories of kids who parents have split and they then didn't get to see their Dad too often.

davmol

OP,I know 2 situations this is occurring and in both situations it works well.

IN both situations the kids are quite young and the parents don't want to cause stress and they all get along fine.

Their situation works.For the short/medium term I don't see any problem with this.

My parents slept in different bedrooms when I grew up as my dad is a very light sleeper and they were both happy that way.They are still very affectionate with eachother and are one of the happiest long term couples ive ever seen with a very successful marriage.

BTW F**k everyone elses opinion and what the community thinks.IF it works for you guys and your kids then go for it.

You can see how things develop and if its the less traumatic and stressful course of action i see no issue.

LegacyUser

Hi All, OP here again.

First off, thank you for all your thoughts and replies. This past week has really helped me digest the situation I'm in and what i want for the rest of my life as a young, single man in his early 30's. This time last week I thought i could never move out, leave the home I've built and leave my wonderful kids. I was telling myself it would all work out and be ok, when deep down i know now thats not really what i want for my life.

Now my mindset has flipped, I've come to the idea that i can never really live a completely happy life in the same home as my ex wife. Its horrible to think but I will have to leave this home eventually to be happy. Yes we get on, yes we are friends, there is no tension in the home and the kids are ok.... but its not the perfect situation and i don't want to live my life in an ok situation.

I dont deserve that and i don't want to regret spending 5 or 10 years of my life living with my ex. Im now a single guy in my 30s and I'm going to be the happiest guy I can be.

Im not sure how long we will live together now....maybe a month, maybe a year... until we can get the house split up it will just take some time. I'm happier now that in my head I've realised what i really want and where I'm going for the future.

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and i don't feel nearly as emotional about the whole situation.

Really a genuine thanks to everyone here for the kind and honest replies.