Feedback on Personal Writing (any type like poetry, short stories etc)

sryanbruen

I would be very grateful if I could get some feedback on this poem and short story I both wrote.

'Rain Over Me' - Sryan shows how life just brings him down nowadays and feels like committing suicide because nothing is worthwhile after his nanny died.

Happiness is a treasure, to me these days
Every day passing by, is worthless since that August
Life is callous, like a stormy day
Suicidal thoughts were blank, when it was all flawless

Many promises and my heart, have been shattered
Malicious mankind, in such a big world
Been through disasters, like walking under a ladder
But this time, it's way much worse

Tears are words, the heart can't say
I get lost, inside my mind
But sometimes, you gotta pretend everything is okay
Even though there is no good in goodbye


'I Nearly Starved to Death'

As a 15-year old going camping for the scouts, I felt like life was endless and full of mysteries. Travelling from Dublin to the Wicklow Mountains, I planned to spend my weekend camping, foraging and enjoying the beauty of Lugnaquilla.
Strolling through the trees and hiking up the hills, I was totally alone, noticing the majestic view from the ground. Looking around, I discovered I was no longer on the trail I had mapped out: I was lost. I turned back, hoping to find my original route. However, when walking through muddy ground, I lost my footing and slipped. Immense pain exploded through my head, as I smashed my forehead against a rock. It was the last thing I felt before falling unconscious.
Hours later, I regained consciousness still in pain and still lost. Knowing my head was hurt badly, I realised I had to get down the mountain and get medical care fast. Down the steep gradient I plummeted.
I reached the base and quickly ran to a nearby payphone, though my head was aching and in agony. After many dull moments, the ambulance arrived and I was relieved. I spent three weeks stuck in a hospital bed, but at least I knew I was safe. Ever since this happened, this experience has become a touchstone, reminding me what a privilege it is to be alive. It is a lesson I will not forget!