he wants space....

Merkin

Unhelpful and uncivil posting, particularly anything which is offensive to another poster, won't be tolerated here zeffabelli. Please go and remind yourself of the charter.

beks101

wings123 wrote: »

But I do think anyone with or without anxiety issues would find it extremely difficult waiting to hear if the person they love wants to give it another go or wants to never hear from you again.

It's the waiting that is difficult as I don't know how long I will have to wait to find out. I do think most people would find that difficult and I think I am being strong giving him the space he's asked for. It's the not knowing is difficult.

It is hard, really hard. Most people would find that tough. But that's the thing about life - it's going to throw up these bumps in the road and these rough patches regardless of whether or not you're emotionally equipped to deal with them.

Now is the time for you to put the coping strategies you've learned and the counselling sessions you've taken to good use, and to work through your anxiety as you struggle with this particular life stressor. It's NOT the time to succumb to the anxiety and hound this man that you love to the point where you are smothering him and not respecting his needs and actively pushing him further and further away.

It might be time to talk to your counsellor about your greatest fears and anxieties around this 'break' that your relationship is going through. Is it a fear of being abandoned? A fear of ending up alone? Not being able to cope on your own? Never finding someone like your OH again? Because you know what? Even if all of these things come true - you're still going to have air in your lungs. The sun will still rise and set and your alarm will still go off in the morning and you'll still get through life as we all do.

I think your therapy should be about facing these fears, one by one, and coming to a place where your relationship with your OH isn't as one-sided and dependent and validating for you/draining for him. Because right now, it's all about what YOU need, to the detriment of his happiness and peace of mind.

wings123

beks101 wrote: »

It is hard, really hard. Most people would find that tough. But that's the thing about life - it's going to throw up these bumps in the road and these rough patches regardless of whether or not you're emotionally equipped to deal with them.

Now is the time for you to put the coping strategies you've learned and the counselling sessions you've taken to good use, and to work through your anxiety as you struggle with this particular life stressor. It's NOT the time to succumb to the anxiety and hound this man that you love to the point where you are smothering him and not respecting his needs and actively pushing him further and further away.

It might be time to talk to your counsellor about your greatest fears and anxieties around this 'break' that your relationship is going through. Is it a fear of being abandoned? A fear of ending up alone? Not being able to cope on your own? Never finding someone like your OH again? Because you know what? Even if all of these things come true - you're still going to have air in your lungs. The sun will still rise and set and your alarm will still go off in the morning and you'll still get through life as we all do.

I think your therapy should be about facing these fears, one by one, and coming to a place where your relationship with your OH isn't as one-sided and dependent and validating for you/draining for him. Because right now, it's all about what YOU need, to the detriment of his happiness and peace of mind.

Yes I'm making positive progress with the therapy, already I've identified a number of things that have caused the problems I'm having. Already I feel optimistic about me resolving my issues thankfully. It's incredible how after even a few sessions things seem much clearer.

I'm also giving him the space that he needs, although it is difficult I am respecting his wishes if there is any chance of saving our relationship.

I realise that I need to come to terms with my own issues I've been dealing with before I try give our relationship another go, if he wants to do so. I never realised how much I off loaded my anxieties on him , he must have felt like he was drowning and surrounded by drama.

Hopefully he will give it another go when he sees I've learned to cope with my issues on my own and not depend on him to off load. IF he decides to give it another go I want the relationship to be more balanced as opposed to one sided on my part. I feel like I've been very selfish and self absorbed. I really hope we can resolve this as he's a wonderful man.

CaraMay

Op it's great you feel you are making progress but it's only been a week or so. You seem to be in a rush to fix it so you can get back with him rather than fixing it for yourself. He cannot be the reason for your hard work. It's important to go it for you first and him back would be a bonus.

wings123

CaraMay wrote: »

Op it's great you feel you are making progress but it's only been a week or so. You seem to be in a rush to fix it so you can get back with him rather than fixing it for yourself. He cannot be the reason for your hard work. It's important to go it for you first and him back would be a bonus.

Thanks for the encouragement:) I've lived in a heightened state of anxiety for a long time and that is no way to live. Living constantly fearing the worst is not a life that I want to live anymore as its exhausting so I want to fix this for me first. I need to put in the hard work for myself first as I can't live worrying 24/7 about things that aren't rational.

I need to he happy in myself before I can make anyone else happy. I would like to give it another go when we are both ready. I now aknowledge that I put my needs before his and that isn't fair. I want to prove to myself and him that I can resolve my issues as it would be brilliant to live happily with myself and share it with someone

Penny Tration

wings123 wrote: »

Thanks for the encouragement:) I've lived in a heightened state of anxiety for a long time and that is no way to live. Living constantly fearing the worst is not a life that I want to live anymore as its exhausting so I want to fix this for me first. I need to put in the hard work for myself first as I can't live worrying 24/7 about things that aren't rational.

I need to he happy in myself before I can make anyone else happy. I would like to give it another go when we are both ready. I now aknowledge that I put my needs before his and that isn't fair. I want to prove to myself and him that I can resolve my issues as it would be brilliant to live happily with myself and share it with someone

you know how it's been mentioned by me and others, that when you're suffering from anxiety, it's extremely difficult to think rationally? God knows I've had my moments!

A lot of what you said in this thread was irrational, your thoughts and behavioral patterns.

Re-read the post I've just quoted that you wrote.

Look how clear, concise and RATIONAL it is! It's the most rational and tbh positive post I've seen you write in this thread.

That's some truly fantastic process.

Please keep it up. Well done

OP, like Penny has said you seem to have made some great progress but I can't help but wonder. It seems awfully quick. It can take a long time to process and become aware of the underlying issues surrounding anxiety. Real change often takes time to set in.

So I wonder if you are 'talking the talk'. By that I mean giving rational responses because you know on a rational level the things you need to do for yourself and the reasons for giving your bf space. However on a feeling level things are rather different.

Of course none of that may be the case but just take your time with the work you are doing on yourself. It won't happen over night.

Penny Tration

I thought the same, persepoly.

What I'm hoping and thinking is that the OP is in a rational frame of mind at the moment.

It may be temporary and she will of course get anxious and slip up. But hopefully at the moment, she's feeling a little better and more logical. And I hope she can keep thinking like that.

Penny Tration

Penny Tration wrote: »

I thought the same, persepoly.

What I'm hoping and thinking is that the OP is in a rational frame of mind at the moment.

It may be temporary and she will of course get anxious and slip up. But hopefully at the moment, she's feeling a little better and more logical. And I hope she can keep thinking like that.

Oh yes thinking clearly is very good indeed.

I was just reminded of myself in certain past situations. Where I know the right things to say but I don't feel any of it. Which means nothing really changes and I let my anxieties get the better of me. It's a rotten old place to be in and I hope the OP gets some relief from it all.

Shrap

Penny Tration wrote: »

I thought the same, persepoly.

What I'm hoping and thinking is that the OP is in a rational frame of mind at the moment.

It may be temporary and she will of course get anxious and slip up. But hopefully at the moment, she's feeling a little better and more logical. And I hope she can keep thinking like that.

Totally that. It takes practice eh? Getting out of a mind-set can be a bit of a "now you see it, now you don't" scenario. Next week (or next day!) you could be back falling into your same old hang-ups and then it'll occur to you a while later (like maybe in a week...sigh) that hey, you had a handle on this last week! Now you've lost it again, but you thought yourself out of it then and you can do it again.

Over time, this process becomes second nature and you'll catch yourself earlier and earlier when you're getting a bit irrational and manage to talk yourself out of it. OP, I reckon stick with it and you'll begin to see when you're falling down the rabbit hole again and learn to deal with those wobbles. Keep on truckin' mate. You'll get there.

wings123

Thanks for all the encouraging posts. I never realised I would get so much advice and support on this. It is extremlely helpful.

I know it might seem like quick progess or "talking the talk" but I do feel I have pin pointed some massive factors that have caused me to excessively worry and it makes sense now where it didn't before.

I have been honest with the councillor and have answered any questions openly and not held back. There were things I never thought even affected me but clearly they have had a huge impact on me as I didn't deal with them at the time. I can't blame those things but it makes more sense now so I can deal with them.

I think I'm starting to get a grip on them already as now I am *aware* that many of my fears where completely irrational - this time two weeks ago I wasn't. I would argue that they were justified.

Even when things were good my brain and body was telling me there was something about to go wrong. Like drama would be created, like something needed to be wrong even when it wasnt.

It must have been so frustratingly for my partner reassuring me and trying to support me. He was fighting a losing battle all the time. That would drain the life out of anyone and patience would run thin.

I feel that I have pin pointed where a lot of my worries have stemmed from therefore I understand it now so my anxieties are not as scary to me as they were even last week. I'm not trying to blame things but a lot of things seem to make more sense now. Don't get me wrong, I know I have not miraculously gotten better over night, they will likely peak on and off as they do, but I understand them now so hopefully that will help. I feel relieved that I've made progess and am sure if I keep working on myself that it can only get better.

I'm hopeful that he will hear me out and be understanding and fingers crossed we'll be able to put this behind us and be happy together

LegacyUser

I don't suffer from anxiety, so I suppose I don't really get how it seems all-consuming. But I just wanted to say that you really seem to be doing so well with confronting it.

One thing I did think of though, let the past be in the past. There's no point in you berating yourself over your reliance on your BF to 'fix' things for you. Look, he could say why didn't you acknowledge or do something about your issues earlier; but he could've been clearer about the effect on him earlier too.

I think it's important to draw a line under the past, and focus on the future. One thing i would say though: you will, I imagine, feel very positive about the future, as you are making progress with your issues. You can't expect him to move at the same pace though, as I imagine he's still a bit traumatised from the need to be your rock of reassurance, and feeling unable to confess his own worries, in case it dragged you down and pretty much led to you being even more consumed with anxiety.

He's going to be very cautious OP. And don't expect him to move at the same pace, or feel as positive about your progress as you do. The guy is clearly overwhelmed, and needs time to just be himself, without having to support you. So it's understandable that your progress will take him longer to come around to.

Hopefully you'll get there soon to the point where your anxieties aren't consuming you, and you'll be able to see where he needs support with his own fears (we all have fears, even if not driven by anxiety). I suspect that he isn't honest with you re his own fears, because that could lead to more anxiety on your part. Wouldn't it be great to get to a place where he wanted to confide in you re his hopes & fears though? To look to you as his rock?

All the best OP, it's so brave & positive that you're doing something constructive, and are so prepared to take on board the points of view here (which I'm sure cannot have been easy to read).

LegacyUser

wings123 wrote: »

...
I'm hopeful that he will hear me out and be understanding and fingers crossed we'll be able to put this behind us and be happy together

I posted a while ago, just wanted to add something. I don't mean to be pedantic or anything, but I'm hoping it's just a poor choice of words re him 'hearing you out'.

This isn't about 'explaining' your actions, or trying to convince him that your actions were reasonable. There is no 'hearing you out'. If you keep trying to explain/justify/excuse your actions, well I'm afraid that's game over: all you'll do is show him that you are trying to get him onside to accept your irrational anxieties - all over again. This is the worst thing you could do OP. He's told you that he needs a break from your behaviour, so any sense of getting him to 'hear you out' is only going to drive you further apart. The more you try to rationalise/convince re your dumping of your anxieties on him, the more he's going to pull back - because he's already made it very clear that he can't & doesn't want to deal with that anymore.

You need to draw a line under the past. No excuses, no 'explaining', no looking for him to say that it was ok really. No 'hearing you out'. You need to show him that you are fixing your problems by yourself - and taking responsibility for them. Over-involving him in rationalisations will just drag him back to where he felt before: cornered by your issues/anxiety.

I hope you can get the help to sort your issues out for yourself. Don't drag the poor guy back into the middle of it again though by trying to get him to listen to reasons why. Or to get him to tell you that your issues weren't that bad. That's your anxiety surfacing again - you know that your issues took a big big toll on him, and getting him to 'hear you out' about them is just grabbing him back in to providing you with reassurance all over again. I can hardly think of a way to make stuff between you two worse OP.

Good luck, and I hope that wasn't too harsh. I felt it was Important to say though.

wings123

No 'hearing you out' wrote: »

I posted a while ago, just wanted to add something. I don't mean to be pedantic or anything, but I'm hoping it's just a poor choice of words re him 'hearing you out'.

This isn't about 'explaining' your actions, or trying to convince him that your actions were reasonable. There is no 'hearing you out'. If you keep trying to explain/justify/excuse your actions, well I'm afraid that's game over: all you'll do is show him that you are trying to get him onside to accept your irrational anxieties - all over again. This is the worst thing you could do OP. He's told you that he needs a break from your behaviour, so any sense of getting him to 'hear you out' is only going to drive you further apart. The more you try to rationalise/convince re your dumping of your anxieties on him, the more he's going to pull back - because he's already made it very clear that he can't & doesn't want to deal with that anymore.

You need to draw a line under the past. No excuses, no 'explaining', no looking for him to say that it was ok really. No 'hearing you out'. You need to show him that you are fixing your problems by yourself - and taking responsibility for them. Over-involving him in rationalisations will just drag him back to where he felt before: cornered by your issues/anxiety.

I hope you can get the help to sort your issues out for yourself. Don't drag the poor guy back into the middle of it again though by trying to get him to listen to reasons why. Or to get him to tell you that your issues weren't that bad. That's your anxiety surfacing again - you know that your issues took a big big toll on him, and getting him to 'hear you out' about them is just grabbing him back in to providing you with reassurance all over again. I can hardly think of a way to make stuff between you two worse OP.

Good luck, and I hope that wasn't too harsh. I felt it was Important to say though.

Thanks for your post, you've made some very valid points.

How do I get him to see that things will be different without me explaining things to him ? I feel I owe him a *huge* apology and feel I need to explain that I'm getting to grips with what was going with my worries.

I'm not going to contact him but hoping ill hear from him next week. I need to let him know I acknowledge the detrimental affect my worries had on him as I never realised the extent of it before. I do now. They were detrimental to my health too.

The last thing I want to do is have a crises talk, as that is negative and I understand I can't justify my behaviour, there are no excuses, I should have gotten help sooner, I just didn't realise how bad they were.

I would like him to see that I now realise how irrational my worries were. This frustrated him as he felt I never listened to him.

Also the last thing I want do is try rationalise my anxieties to him as I don't want him to feel that I want him to accept them again. I want him to know that they were unacceptable and it was unfair of me to lean on him so much especially since I have other people who are supportive. I suppose in a way he tolerated them so I dumped them on him unintentionally and continuously. I can't believe I didn't see this before. I know he said it to me a few times previously but I didn't realise the seriousness of it as I was so caught up in my own head.

CaraMay

Op I don't think you realise how heavy and intense you are coming across. You sound obsessed with this guy. You clearly have been smothering him and you don't need to talk to him about how you smothered him - he's lived it. You need to back off and find a hobby which isn't him. I dont mean to be meN to you but I'm stressed even reading your posts as they are so intense. I can't imagune how he felt.

wings123

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I don't think you realise how heavy and intense you are coming across. You sound obsessed with this guy. You clearly have been smothering him and you don't need to talk to him about how you smothered him - he's lived it. You need to back off and find a hobby which isn't him. I dont mean to be meN to you but I'm stressed even reading your posts as they are so intense. I can't imagune how he felt.

I do have hobbies and lead a very filled and busy life from other commitments I have. In other words my life does not evolve around him by any means.

I'm finding very helpful getting feedback from this forum and find it is helping me clear my head. I've come to the realisation that I may have ruined an otherwise healthy relationship. This doesn't mean I'm obsessed. I want to try rectify the pain and hurt I have caused to someone I care about, when he is ready...

zeffabelli

wings123 wrote: »

Thanks for your post, you've made some very valid points.

How do I get him to see that things will be different without me explaining things to him ? I feel I owe him a *huge* apology and feel I need to explain that I'm getting to grips with what was going with my worries.

I'm not going to contact him but hoping ill hear from him next week. I need to let him know I acknowledge the detrimental affect my worries had on him as I never realised the extent of it before. I do now. They were detrimental to my health too.

The last thing I want to do is have a crises talk, as that is negative and I understand I can't justify my behaviour, there are no excuses, I should have gotten help sooner, I just didn't realise how bad they were.

I would like him to see that I now realise how irrational my worries were. This frustrated him as he felt I never listened to him.

Also the last thing I want do is try rationalise my anxieties to him as I don't want him to feel that I want him to accept them again. I want him to know that they were unacceptable and it was unfair of me to lean on him so much especially since I have other people who are supportive. I suppose in a way he tolerated them so I dumped them on him unintentionally and continuously. I can't believe I didn't see this before. I know he said it to me a few times previously but I didn't realise the seriousness of it as I was so caught up in my own head.

Show, not tell.

By demanding his ear you are still demonstrating a self centred was that us exhausting.

Listening takes energy. It's enervating to be in the other side of this.

kylith

Honestly OP, I'd treat your relationship as over until he gets in contact with you. If you try contact him at all you're likely to just drive him further away.

wings123

zeffabelli wrote: »

Show, not tell.

By demanding his ear you are still demonstrating a self centred was that us exhausting.

Listening takes energy. It's enervating to be in the other side of this.

Yes that's a really good point. Actions speak louder than words.

Talking about it over and over again will be draining to listen to. I wanted to explain things but its probably not best to. Hopefully when he sees Ive helped myself first he will be willing to give it another go. I miss him a lot but need to put his own needs before mine. I would like to point out we've had very good times too, but my worries over shadowed things

CaraMay

The point you keep missing op is that you need to get over this FOR YOU not him!

wings123

CaraMay wrote: »

The point you keep missing op is that you need to get over this FOR YOU not him!

I am doing this for me. It was distressing living in a state of heightened anxiety all of the time. Constant self doubt and fear consumed me.

In even just a week I feel I have made huge progress which is beneficial for me of course.

I've taken this very seriously and am relieved I have taken those steps as it was exhausting having irrational worries even when things in my life were going good.

LegacyUser

wings123 wrote: »

Thanks for your post, you've made some very valid points.

How do I get him to see that things will be different without me explaining things to him ? I feel I owe him a *huge* apology and feel I need to explain that I'm getting to grips with what was going with my worries.

I'm not going to contact him but hoping ill hear from him next week. I need to let him know I acknowledge the detrimental affect my worries had on him as I never realised the extent of it before. I do now. They were detrimental to my health too.

The last thing I want to do is have a crises talk, as that is negative and I understand I can't justify my behaviour, there are no excuses, I should have gotten help sooner, I just didn't realise how bad they were.

I would like him to see that I now realise how irrational my worries were. This frustrated him as he felt I never listened to him.

Also the last thing I want do is try rationalise my anxieties to him as I don't want him to feel that I want him to accept them again. I want him to know that they were unacceptable and it was unfair of me to lean on him so much especially since I have other people who are supportive. I suppose in a way he tolerated them so I dumped them on him unintentionally and continuously. I can't believe I didn't see this before. I know he said it to me a few times previously but I didn't realise the seriousness of it as I was so caught up in my own head.

I honestly don't know! I know that's not much use to you as 'advice', but it's a difficult one. On the one hand, you want to him to know that you know now how difficult you made things for him; but on the other hand, is that just making yourself feel better, yet again, by unloading to him?

My instinct is no talking, just showing. And it has been only a very short time though. So (not to make you feel bad or anything) how can he trust just words? Sounds like there's been, well so many words in the past - I mean you telling him all your words, and needing him to reassure you. If I were him, I'd be pretty allergic to words right now. And to what he might view as 'another' discussion re your anxiety (albeit a positive one; not sure he'd be ready to see it that way just yet though?). That's not meant to criticise you, just trying to think how he might feel.

I think you have to put a lid on what you want to do, and be guided by him. And honestly, even the thing you said about 'getting him to see' how things are with you now. You're trying to do all the talking about you, again!

Like let him contact you (which I know you've said you'll do), but let him ask how the therapy is going, how you're progressing. In some way, isn't that what has been completely missing in your relationship all along? Like you just telling telling how everything is for you. Maybe the proof of your progress is to finally let him steer the discussion about how you are, how you are progressing, and let him have the opportunity to say how he feels?

Not meant in a hurtful way OP! But I really think you need to change your mindset from it being what you think / how you feel / what you need to say to him. You need to listen to him. Like really listen to what he needs. And right now, he doesn't need to hear more words from you. He's made that clear. I mean I wouldn't be walking away waiting for him to make the first contact for a month, but it's all a bit too much too soon if you jump in talking all about you again. Give him a chance to breathe.

PS: just wanted to say that for someone with lots of anxiety, you are taking all the comments (including my own!) on board in such a positive way. Not sure I'd be able to do that as well as you are! I'm say this without really understanding how someone with lots of anxieties feels, but is there a chance that your issues aren't as bad as you think, and it's become a 'habit' to look for constant reassurance?

LegacyUser

OP, you are definitely taking steps in the right direction, so well done. In relation to the counselling, I would like to add, and this is purely from my own experience, that, yes, it brings great revelations, even in a week or so.
Where the hard work, and the long haul is, (again, in my experience), is taking things from an intellectual level, 'aha, now I know / understand why I did this, or why that happened' to fully taking it in, and recognising things at a much earlier stage next time around, and knowing how to manage or deal with them, before the anxiety takes hold.
There is a lot of talking ahead for you, talking with your counsellor, and taking on board what he/ she is saying, and working on strategies for managing your anxiety, in the future. Anxiety is exhausting, it's horrible, and life is too short to live like that.
For now, I urge you, as others have done, to put aside any thoughts of your partner, and what he might say, or what you might say to him. I don't mean that in a glib way, nor do I think it's an easy thing to do. You need to focus on yourself, and work on managing your anxiety, first and foremost.
Talk yourself out with the counsellor. There will be times when you feel you are making great progress, there may be times too when you feel you have slipped back a bit. As I have said, it's a long haul, but more than worth it.

zeffabelli

You keep saying that you've made a break through but that is not transmitting through what you represent here.

What is transmitting is you putting your need to be understood over his need for breathing space.

Anxiety at that level is addictive in an arousal sense. This neuro rewiring takes more than a week.

The most that might be tolerated without pushing him over the edge is an expression of gratitude for patience and the forebearance he has given to you. Don't explain things that are all about you and your misinterpretations....

Again don't put your need to explain over his need for headspace and a holiday from the noxious smogs of someone else's anxiety.

Anxiety is the most contagious energy. It fills a room like wildfire. Be mindful of what you are bringing to the table with you.

wings123

zeffabelli wrote: »

You keep saying that you've made a break through but that is not transmitting through what you represent here.

What is transmitting is you putting your need to be understood over his need for breathing space.

Anxiety at that level is addictive in an arousal sense. This neuro rewiring takes more than a week.

The most that might be tolerated without pushing him over the edge is an expression of gratitude for patience and the forebearance he has given to you. Don't explain things that are all about you and your misinterpretations....

Again don't put your need to explain over his need for headspace and a holiday from the noxious smogs of someone else's anxiety.

Anxiety is the most contagious energy. It fills a room like wildfire. Be mindful of what you are bringing to the table with you.

Thank you for this post. I never realised how contagious it was, never realised how destructive it can be to another person as I genuinely thought it was only destructive in my own head, which it was very.

I do think because I understand how and why it was caused I have made a lot of progress. I'm taking the right steps to sorting it once and for all, and even in a week feel like my irrational fears were so insignificant.

I'm just finding it difficult to wait and hear whether he still wants me in his life or not. I'm respecting his space but finding the wait quite difficult as I care about him deeply.

zeffabelli

wings123 wrote: »

Thank you for this post. I never realised how contagious it was, never realised how destructive it can be to another person as I genuinely thought it was only destructive in my own head, which it was very.

I do think because I understand how and why it was caused I have made a lot of progress. I'm taking the right steps to sorting it once and for all, and even in a week feel like my irrational fears were so insignificant.

I'm just finding it difficult to wait and hear whether he still wants me in his life or not. I'm respecting his space but finding the wait quite difficult as I care about him deeply.

Your finding it difficult to wait because you haven't been given the skills to manage your anxiety.

I know it's difficult and being an impatient person who regularly walks out of supermarkets, queues at the post office, avoids Amazon so I don't overspend on expedited shipping etc... I do get how difficult irbid to wait. Combined with the indeterminacy of the outcomes makes it hard. You cannot survive life without tolerating some uncertainty. There are limits to it, but it does demand it some times.

Yes it is hard. Right now you have to find a way to ride it out and fill your mind with something else and trust that you can handle whatever the outcome it.

Sometimes just taking ten minutes out on focused breathing helps.

You need the skills and to develop them... Don't know if your counsellor have them to you ... But you need them.

You are far too focused in him abd not enough on your management skills.

wings123

Hi guys thanks for your support last week. Feel I have made huge progress with the issues that I was having which is a huge positive.

Unfortunately I still have not heard from my boyfriend. Feel pretty lost and quite upset as I think I have lost him for good:( he's such a great guy and looking back I can't believe how much stress I caused him with my worrying. Feel absolutely gutted I've messed up something so special and so hard to find

ManOfMystery

It's been 8 days since you posted this thread OP. When someone says they need 'space' after being in a relationship for a few years, it doesn't typically mean they need a few days - it could be a week, a fortnight, more. It depends on the person really, but I don't think a week or so is a long time in the grand scheme of things here.

Be patient. Keep focusing on yourself. As others have said here, you are wasting energy fretting about your boyfriend's thoughts. He will let you know one way or another, so stop thinking about that invisible clock ticking.

Tigger99

OP I think it's a good sign that he hasn't been in touch. You've given him the space he seemed to badly need. Fair play for staying strong.

Whatever happens you can know that you gave it your all by giving him that space.

Don't presume the worse just yet but even if it doesn't work out you've made great progress in gettin to good mental health and that is invaluable

wings123

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It's been 8 days since you posted this thread OP. When someone says they need 'space' after being in a relationship for a few years, it doesn't typically mean they need a few days - it could be a week, a fortnight, more. It depends on the person really, but I don't think a week or so is a long time in the grand scheme of things here.

Be patient. Keep focusing on yourself. As others have said here, you are wasting energy fretting about your boyfriend's thoughts. He will let you know one way or another, so stop thinking about that invisible clock ticking.

Thank you for your encouraging post. I've done a lot of work of myself in the last couple of weeks and am trying to stay positive. I've made changes in my life that will be for the best what ever the outcome will be. I really am focusing on myself and feel more relaxed about the silly things I used to worry about. I think because I understand why I was worrying about them it has helped me stop. Looking back they seem ridiculous that they were even worth wasting time fretting about. I'm actually amazed that I let them consume so much of my thinking time, it was a very stressful and horrible way to live life when I should have seen all the positives in my life as opposed to what may or may not happen in the future. I always expected the worst possible outcome even when things were good in my life which is a pretty depressing way to live.


There's some exciting things happenening and would love to share this with him as opposed to the usual stresses that he's listened to. Just finding it difficult to not think about it as I feel he could break up with me.

I know it's only 8 days but it feels like I'm waiting for him to break up with me so I'm finding it quite hard. I know I should be focusing purely on myself but finding it quite hard not knowing what the outcome is, one minute I'm positive and the next I'm fretting, it's horrible.

Tigger99

Mmm ok you sound like you've made progress in one way but I'd suggest that you look at ways to manage the fretting. I know it's an anxious situation but you owe it to yourself to manage it.

Oh and I get the slight impression you are tempted to contact him about the good stuff. Don't. Honestly it'd be so much better in the long run not to.

wings123

Tigger99 wrote: »

Mmm ok you sound like you've made progress in one way but I'd suggest that you look at ways to manage the fretting. I know it's an anxious situation but you owe it to yourself to manage it.

Oh and I get the slight impression you are tempted to contact him about the good stuff. Don't. Honestly it'd be so much better in the long run not to.

That's a good point. Ill need to start putting techniques into use to manage the on off fretting about the situation. One minute I'm fine the next I'm anxious.
But I think most people would find the situation difficult but I'll have to be strong.

Yes I'm tempted as there's nothing more I want to do than share the exciting things and positive stuff. But if I do that it will be seen that I haven't respected the space he's asked for. Would just love him to hear how good things are as opposed to the drama he used to hear from me

zeffabelli

wings123 wrote: »

Thank you for your encouraging post. I've done a lot of work of myself in the last couple of weeks and am trying to stay positive. I've made changes in my life that will be for the best what ever the outcome will be. I really am focusing on myself and feel more relaxed about the silly things I used to worry about. I think because I understand why I was worrying about them it has helped me stop. Looking back they seem ridiculous that they were even worth wasting time fretting about. I'm actually amazed that I let them consume so much of my thinking time, it was a very stressful and horrible way to live life when I should have seen all the positives in my life as opposed to what may or may not happen in the future. I always expected the worst possible outcome even when things were good in my life which is a pretty depressing way to live.


There's some exciting things happenening and would love to share this with him as opposed to the usual stresses that he's listened to. Just finding it difficult to not think about it as I feel he could break up with me.

I know it's only 8 days but it feels like I'm waiting for him to break up with me so I'm finding it quite hard. I know I should be focusing purely on myself but finding it quite hard not knowing what the outcome is, one minute I'm positive and the next I'm fretting, it's horrible.

I dont know what is going on in counselling but you clearly have no tolerance for uncertainty and you need to get the skills...google them..buy a self help book...meditate... show some independence here....

Self regulate.....

I had to break away from a catastrophising friend when he tried to convince me I had tumours in my eyes because my eye sight was changing. It just becomes exhausting.... and frankly as much as I was close to my friend it's been several months since I've seen him and I feel so so much better,

What you have going on takes far more than a week..it takes like a year or so to rewire yourself otherwise you are magically thinking.

Seriously give it at least another week....

And its still all about how YOU want him to Hear YOU..... his ears have burnout. His ears need a sabbatical!!

Virgil°

zeffabelli wrote: »

Self regulate.....

Honestly OP i think out of all the points to be made, if you take only two words from this thread, take these two.

I could be way off the mark, but i get the impression that to a certain extent that in his absence , this thread has become a surrogate boyfriend of sorts. Where you take all the little niggles and doubts and throw them in this thread for validation. Something in your posting style suggests this to me. Thats not to say you should never vent your fears and doubts. Most of us do it from time to time but manage to find a balance also.

If your boyfriend does decide to come back to you(none of us here know if he will) I'd give some serious consideration to not getting back into the relationship. You used your boyfriend as a crutch and to my mind , were he to extend the olive branch and you took him back straight away that you'd have a very high chance of regressing to your old behaviours.

Like zeffabelli above said , these kind of changes take a long time to cultivate in a person and I think you're unlikely to change while the crutch is sitting there in reach.

Thats just my take OP. All the best.

wings123

zeffabelli wrote: »

I dont know what is going on in counselling but you clearly have no tolerance for uncertainty and you need to get the skills...google them..buy a self help book...meditate... show some independence here....

Self regulate.....

I had to break away from a catastrophising friend when he tried to convince me I had tumours in my eyes because my eye sight was changing. It just becomes exhausting.... and frankly as much as I was close to my friend it's been several months since I've seen him and I feel so so much better,

What you have going on takes far more than a week..it takes like a year or so to rewire yourself otherwise you are magically thinking.

Seriously give it at least another week....

And its still all about how YOU want him to Hear YOU..... his ears have burnout. His ears need a sabbatical!!

Yeah I had to do the same with someone before as I found it difficult to be surrounded by constant negatively, I found it pretty draining so just cut contact with them. So I understand what you mean.

But our relationship wasnt *always* drama, we've had amazing times too and are very close to each other. We've had a lot of fun and happy times too many which were special to both of us.

We've worked through significant outside stress factors that were beyound our control and always managed to pull through. We've had very happy times too so it wasnt all bad.

Things got on top of me and I've made the right steps to fix them. I don't think it will take a year to rectify the issues that I was having as I understand now why I was having them and have managed to get a grip on them.

I'm just finding it difficult as I'm faced with the uncertainty of losing someone who I care about deeply

Merkin

On that note, I am going to close this thread as it may in fact hinder your progress. It is good to see you are in therapy and I think you should work with your counsellor on coping mechanisms and your next steps. Your initial question re the definition of space has been answered. I hope the thread has helped you and wish you well in future.