Help???

firsthouse

Hi Guys,

I wonder if you could give me some advice.
I have caught my partner of nearly 10 years on a dating website.
We have a 2 year old beautiful baby girl and bought a house 3 years ago.
Our relationship has been suffering since the baby arrived and i probably go out more with the lads than with my partner because we cannot get a child minder that often due to other circumstances.
I found her emails on my laptop and confronted her on the conversations with these men.
i further investigated that she had gotten one of their numbers and was in contact with him the last few weeks. The conversations said she were saying she was single and a bit open ended and made up but she also sent photos of herself to these strange men.
The photos i have seen have been normal photos and nothing seedy that i know of but she also has snapchat and was communicating with them via that too.

When i confronted her she said she was looking for attention and didn't plan on anything further and another factor is the mans number that i found was from USA and she told me she was looking at America and not Ireland because she didn't plan for anything to happen but yet had telephone numbers in her mobile.

we have had ups and downs in the last few months and i thought things were ok but she obviously thought different. She is pleading for another chance and i don't know if that is because i caught her or if she actually still loves me and wants to spend her life with me.

i can't think straight and currently looking for help from anybody..
I've never been in this situation before and have spent my whole adult life with her and been through a lot of things and good times.

another side of me thinks how can i trust her anymore and would it be just wrong to try work on it...

she deleted the info from her phone and snapchat but i don't know what to do and she thinks going back over it is making it worse and wants to move forward.

anybody have any advice please?

Penny Tration

Whatever her reasons, she's betrayed you and has to accept that.

I think the best thing you could do now is get some space. Stay with a friend or family for a few days to allow yourself space to process this.

Only you can decide if you want to give her a chance. Seems to me that by only contacting men thousands of miles away, she wasn't planning to actually meet anyone, but was betraying you looking for an ego boost. Still a massive betrayal, but something to consider when making your decision.

If you decide to make a go of things, I think you could both do with some counselling. It doesn't sound as though your relationship was a bed of roses even before this and its something you can both work through with a relationship counsellor if you decide to forgive her.

She needs to accept that she broke your trust and that for the relationship to work, she needs to earn it again.

firsthouse

Do you think i should text the american number and ask him to send me on what she texted him?
Do you think this will make things worse or do you think it would give me a better understanding if he sent it on?

I don't know if i can forgive her without knowing the true extent of what she was communicating and all i can think of is my daughter and the situation that will unfold....

Penny Tration

To be honest, I think seeing her exact words will hurt you more than you need right now. The worst that could have happened is explicit texts. So that's the worst you can assume, so leave it at that rather than wanting the exact wording. Texting this guy will probably just hurt you more while not actually giving you any new information except her exact wording.

firsthouse

i don't know what i want to be honest.. I'm very hurt but don't want to give up on something that i thought was good but she obviously wasn't happy.. is that gonna just hurt me more..

Penny Tration

Yes she wasn't happy but she chose to do what she did so don't be taking all the blame on your shoulders. She could have spoken to you about it!

Your head is all over the place and you don't know what to think or what you want. That's natural and a normal reaction. That's the reason you need to get away from her for a few days. So you can think about it, clear your head and figure out what you want. It's very hard to do that while she's begging for another chance.

stickybookmark

firsthouse wrote: »

she deleted the info from her phone and snapchat but i don't know what to do and she thinks going back over it is making it worse and wants to move forward.

Ha! Of course she does. I'm sure it would make her utterly squirm for you to see the content of what was said and what she did, and of course she'd prefer to ''move forward'' i.e. not have to explain to you exactly what she did and said.
You deserve a thorough explanation and as much information as possible about what was said and done!
Friend of mine was with a guy for years, bought a house together, engaged the works. Found out he was chatting to women online etc. She decided to forgive him they moved on and got married. Then she found out at a later stage he was still doing online dating - he hadn't stopped coz they got married. Cue messy divorce. Property etc thankfully no kids involved.
All her family say she should have broken up with him the first time she discovered it!
Do not be that fool, get to the bottom of this thoroughly now. What was the extent of it, was was the intent of it

CaraMay

Ask her to stay elsewhere for a while until you sort your head out. Do not leave the family home and your child. She messed up so she should move out until you decide.

whiskeyman

firsthouse wrote: »

Our relationship has been suffering since the baby arrived and i probably go out more with the lads than with my partner because we cannot get a child minder that often due to other circumstances.

You admit you relationship was suffering since the baby arrived.
Did you do anything about it?

firsthouse

whiskeyman wrote: »

You admit you relationship was suffering since the baby arrived.
Did you do anything about it?

I'm not gonna lie. I probably jumped at the chance at going out with the lads once or twice a month and neglected going out with her or staying in.

Do you think it is the same as cheating? She said she felt unwanted and lonely and wanted attention. All the conversations seemed to be with American guys and she claims she had no intention of anything further and was stupid to do what she done and says she still loves me but I dunno how I can trust that and forgive?

There's been a couple nights out where I crashed at a friends place usually due to been drunk but never been unfaithful.

Due to go to relationship counsellor to talk openly about the issues. I feel I owe that for the sake of the years spent and for my daughter.

I just don't know am I lining myself up to be hurt again or can this be solved and move forward. Should I believe her cries and sorries and think it will never happen again and should I have part to blame for this?

strandroad

You didn't exactly cover yourself in glory leaving her on her own with the baby like that, but she took it even further. You don't need to decide if you're giving her a chance or not right now. You're willing to talk and it's a start but not a commitment. You will both learn more and you can take it from there, give it time.

firsthouse

mhge wrote: »

You didn't exactly cover yourself in glory leaving her on her own with the baby like that, but she took it even further. You don't need to decide if you're giving her a chance or not right now. You're willing to talk and it's a start but not a commitment. You will both learn more and you can take it from there, give it time.

I haven't covered myself in glory but do you think she took it a step to far or do you think she was looking for attention. Is it different that it was people from America and not Ireland. She said she loves me and doesn't want anybody else and if she did want to cheat she would of looked for someone on tinder in Dublin. How am I suppose to trust that and not think maybe she will do it again. She says she wants the door to be closed behind our problems after counselling and move foward but I need her to prove she's really sorry and actually wants me and loves me. I am afraid of getting hurt again and been a fool tbh and I'm so angry she just did not break up if she wanted to do what she did.. Ya think 10 years and you know somebody or am I being harsh and unfair?

bikermartin

firsthouse wrote: »

I haven't covered myself in glory but do you think she took it a step to far or do you think she was looking for attention. Is it different that it was people from America and not Ireland. She said she loves me and doesn't want anybody else and if she did want to cheat she would of looked for someone on tinder in Dublin. How am I suppose to trust that and not think maybe she will do it again. She says she wants the door to be closed behind our problems after counselling and move foward but I need her to prove she's really sorry and actually wants me and loves me. I am afraid of getting hurt again and been a fool tbh and I'm so angry she just did not break up if she wanted to do what she did.. Ya think 10 years and you know somebody or am I being harsh and unfair?

I can tell you from experience that once the trust is gone I don't think it can be got back. I have 20 yrs+ 3 children. Found out wife was carrying on on Facebook, Texting and on to phone calls. I have seen the chats arranging meet up for sex etc. It gets better temporary but eventually gets worse. I have lost best years of my life mid 40s now. I am biding my time, she thinks she's too good for me, but you know what I will leave when I have everything in order plus youngest old enough. You have only one life, don't waste it. Would you have been told anything if you had not found out ?

There is some very good women out there, some day I would like to meet one. My children's happiness is top priority to me for now, I shall not hurt them by leaving.

My wife makes every decision and controls all the money, plus she's hopeless at money management. I lost almost everything because of her....and why you say...... I'm afraid of what she may do.

So take the time to decide what you want, but don't do like me and be writing this story in another 10 yrs.

Hope it works out for you.

firsthouse

bikermartin wrote: »

I can tell you from experience that once the trust is gone I don't think it can be got back. I have 20 yrs+ 3 children. Found out wife was carrying on on Facebook, Texting and on to phone calls. I have seen the chats arranging meet up for sex etc. It gets better temporary but eventually gets worse. I have lost best years of my life mid 40s now. I am biding my time, she thinks she's too good for me, but you know what I will leave when I have everything in order plus youngest old enough. You have only one life, don't waste it. Would you have been told anything if you had not found out ?

There is some very good women out there, some day I would like to meet one. My children's happiness is top priority to me for now, I shall not hurt them by leaving.

My wife makes every decision and controls all the money, plus she's hopeless at money management. I lost almost everything because of her....and why you say...... I'm afraid of what she may do.

So take the time to decide what you want, but don't do like me and be writing this story in another 10 yrs.

Hope it works out for you.

Thank you for your reply and I hope you find happiness in your life.

What I can't get my head around is why she went onto an American site and seeked attention with American men?

Is this just for attention or did she need to feel loved because obviously I wasn't showing her this? Would it be considered as cheating even tho she has not been intimate with another person. I stupidly let my emotions get the better of me and have been intimate with her since and I think I done this to try prove does she love me and want to make another baby and she did several times but is this just to stop me from leaving. I know it was foolish and selfish on my part but I felt I still love her. Then I have all these thoughts running through my head fearing what you say will happen and end up in a similar situation down the line.

I may of neglected to show her how much I loved her since we had the baby and I was looking to change my ways and work on things but then came across the dating site and seen she had been txtin an American number.

How can she prove to me she loves me and is really sorry for what she did and truly wants to be with me and not somebody else. If I knew this I would probably be able to forgive and move on.

I feel after been intimate with her I am letting her get off lightly and feel like a push over and everything is brushed under a rug but I'm hurt and always loved her and afraid of losing the good things I had.

Do you think counselling will help and things can work out?

Thanks to everybody for their replies.
I never thought I would be seeking help from a public forum for relationship advice

OhDearyMe

Hey OP. I really feel sorry for you but whatever you do, forget about having another baby! This is not the right time at all and it won't make the pain go away not to mention how unfair it'd be to bring another child into this messy situation.

The fact that she was doing this with American men would make me think she'd no intention of acting on it but it sounds as if she's trying to put the guilt squarely at your feet - is she taking any of the blame at all? I don't think you can move on from this until you both acknowledge your part in this. You've acknowledged that you didn't show her the love she deserved once the baby was born...but how she's acted is not exactly loving, respectful behaviour either and you have every right to be hurt. Has she apologised to you at all? Can I ask you, OP, did she try and speak to you about this in the past?

I really hope counselling goes well for you both and you can move past this - best of luck, OP.

firsthouse

She has appologise and cried and is showing she wants to forgive and move forward but I don't know if it's just words. I may have neglected our relationship by going out with the lads and not spending time with her but am I being to harsh to think she took it a step too far. I want to be back in love with her but I feel sick to my stomach thinking of her talking to other men behind my back. Did she want it to materialise and could it happen again. Out of desperation I guessed her password into her telephone and email account and found conversations and txt logs with an American number so I called the number and asked for his name and confronted her. I had moved back into the house and we were to work towards things but yet she was txtin this man. Does that say she had no intentions?? She claimed things don't change over night and didn't want anything but attention and to feel wanted. Our relationship obviously suffered by my part of not helping out as much around the house and choosing to go binge drinking with the lads and I was verbally abusive towards her on a couple of occasions. I put my hand up to adress my binge drinking and make more of an effort but during this time she was on this website. We were even away on holidays and she was exchanging messages with men on this site. I guess I don't really understand her and don't take me up wrong I'm not a bad guy and would never hit a wOman. I don't know if I am being fair to her or myself and fear her doing it again even tho she said she deleted her account, contacted the man to say no more contact but never actually seen the messages only the log of sent items. Now she has changed all her passwords and I guess I have no way of knowing if she will or won't do it again..

strandroad

firsthouse wrote: »

I haven't covered myself in glory but do you think she took it a step to far or do you think she was looking for attention. Is it different that it was people from America and not Ireland.

This is the question you'll need to answer yourself in the course of your counselling and it can go either way.
She was neglected by you and she did not seek out locals, yes - but it's not an excuse of her behaviour, just some reasons.

When you were going out drinking with the lads, staying nights out etc did you register it as a problem? Was she trying to get your attention to fix it? Did you understand that she is unhappy?

OK just read that you were not pulling your weight in the house and were abusive too... Honestly you should see this counselling as a last chance saloon to mend your relationship on both sides. You are both unhappy and uncaring it seems. Can you find your way back is an open question.

Galadriel

To be honest you are both in the wrong and trying to decide who is 'more in the wrong' is pointless, you will just go around in circles.

I am certainly not condoning what she did but in my opinion being verbally abusive to her, binge drinking and staying out all night while she is at home with the baby is equally as bad.

firsthouse

mhge wrote: »

This is the question you'll need to answer yourself in the course of your counselling and it can go either way.
She was neglected by you and she did not seek out locals, yes - but it's not an excuse of her behaviour, just some reasons.

When you were going out drinking with the lads, staying nights out etc did you register it as a problem? Was she trying to get your attention to fix it? Did you understand that she is unhappy?

OK just read that you were not pulling your weight in the house and were abusive too... Honestly you should see this counselling as a last chance saloon to mend your relationship on both sides. You are both unhappy and uncaring it seems. Can you find your way back is an open question.

I guess I looked at going our as a release from life pressures but not to seek abother partner. I thought she was happy and thought I could still have my nights out and she didn't mind but obviously did and that built up over 2 years. She had said it on previous occasions but I guess I brushed it off as nothing serious. I did notice we argued more and put that down to stress of parenting and life in general but I guess I took her for granted and that was wrong.

But is going to the lengths she went to acceptable for my actions or should anybody deserve to be treated that way. How do I know she is not just lying to me again? Why didn't she just leave me and then do what she did?

Galadriel

firsthouse wrote: »

I guess I looked at going our as a release from life pressures but not to seek abother partner. I thought she was happy and thought I could still have my nights out and she didn't mind but obviously did and that built up over 2 years. She had said it on previous occasions but I guess I brushed it off as nothing serious. I did notice we argued more and put that down to stress of parenting and life in general but I guess I took her for granted and that was wrong.

But is going to the lengths she went to acceptable for my actions or should anybody deserve to be treated that way. How do I know she is not just lying to me again? Why didn't she just leave me and then do what she did?

You are still acting like the only wronged party here and saying your actions are not as bad as hers, she was definitely in the wrong but so are you, which came first the chicken or the egg? you both need to stop assigning blame, you where both in the wrong. You both need to decide can you get past this, you with her behavior and vice versa.

strandroad

firsthouse wrote: »

I guess I looked at going our as a release from life pressures but not to seek abother partner. I thought she was happy and thought I could still have my nights out and she didn't mind but obviously did and that built up over 2 years. She had said it on previous occasions but I guess I brushed it off as nothing serious.

She did talk to you and you wouldn't listen or change. You thought she was happy with your drinking, your neglect and your abuse, really? She shouldn't have sought attention elsewhere but what you were doing yourself is a good reason to split as well. You are both in the wrong, there's a lot to forgive and change on both sides if you want to salvage the relationship.

firsthouse

Galadriel wrote: »

You are still acting like the only wronged party here and saying your actions are not as bad as hers, she was definitely in the wrong but so are you, which came first the chicken or the egg? you both need to stop assigning blame, you where both in the wrong. You both need to decide can you get past this, you with her behavior and vice versa.

I blame myself for a lot because I wanted her to be happy and never wanted this situation. She hurt me and the deceitful part is what kills me most and I don't think I could forgive if the feeling will be like this forever. I feel I don't know her as well as I thought and I hate the fact she was interested in somebody else and not me.

bilbot79

Normally I'd be in the 'cheating scoundrel, who does she think she is' camp but in this case I reckon she just needs attention likes she says. She's flirting with the idea of being loved, the fact that it's someone in America just makes it feel more real than a fantasy. You need to save up your drinking with the lads money, get a childminder and take your wife out for a romantic meal. Forgive her and if it doesn't go away, well that's different but I've a feeling there just needs to be changes and efforts all round

stickybookmark

firsthouse wrote: »

Out of desperation I guessed her password into her telephone and email account and found conversations and txt logs with an American number so I called the number and asked for his name and confronted her. I had moved back into the house and we were to work towards things but yet she was txtin this man. Does that say she had no intentions?? She claimed things don't change over night and didn't want anything but attention and to feel wanted. ..

Do you mean to say that after you found out and had the initial fight over this, you subsequently moved out, then moved back in to patch things up and you discovered she had kept up contact with these men even during your ''break'' and after you moved back in?

You definitely shouldn't walk away easily from your daughter and family situation. It's definitely worth a 2nd shot because ye have a family. So give it another go but keep your eyes peeled.

firsthouse

stickybookmark wrote: »

Do you mean to say that after you found out and had the initial fight over this, you subsequently moved out, then moved back in to patch things up and you discovered she had kept up contact with these men even during your ''break'' and after you moved back in?

You definitely shouldn't walk away easily from your daughter and family situation. It's definitely worth a 2nd shot because ye have a family. So give it another go but keep your eyes peeled.

No basically she broke up moved into her mams and I then said move back into the house and I'd move to my dad's. That situation has changed and my dad has taken ill and I needed to be around my daughter so moved back into spare room and found out a week later after she said I could have a chance to work on things but was still communicating with that man. She claimed she was gonna cease contact when confronted and said I wouldn't change over night and that's why she still was in contact. Do I have a right to feel that was acceptable or am I just been a thick. I'm scared of losing everything I worked hard for in my life and hurt she done what she did but I don't want to throw away if it can be good and saved. I owe it for my daughter at least and bear 10 years would make me feel I owe it to us too.

stickybookmark

firsthouse wrote: »

She claimed she was gonna cease contact when confronted and said I wouldn't change over night and that's why she still was in contact. .

No you are not being thick, of course she doesn't have a right to keep contacting other men while she is waiting for you to change your ways!! That is bizarre logic putting it mildly.

Using ''well you weren't going to change overnight'' as an excuse is pathetic, sounds like she knows she was in the wrong to be continuing to text that fella.

It is going to be difficult for you to rebuild the trust as she will be uber careful with passwords etc now so it could be impossible for you to check if she is indeed staying away from these websites or not. I suppose you'll have to take a leap of blind faith, or else you'll have to get into cyber code cracking

LegacyUser

OP were you in the habbit of going out and crashing on mates couches before you had the child or only since? You can't afford a babysitter but you can afford to go out with your mates? I'm not trying to have a go OP but it sounds like you both need to take a massive step back, I get your hurt, it sucks it really does but you've got to think about your life together and your child. Give counciling a go and when I say give it a go I mean make 100% effort. Make sure to be open and honest but be aware she will be encourage to do the same so you may here some things about yourself and her that you don't want to. Be honest, don't say what you think she wants to her or what you think is the right answer. This isn't about giving out balame and saying who is more at fault. your both grown ups with another persons well being and upbringing as your joint responseiblity.

You may come out of it with your relationship or you may not, but at least you know you tired and if you can't save the relationship then make sure you make arangments to co-parent in the best interest of your child.

strandroad

firsthouse wrote: »

No basically she broke up moved into her mams and I then said move back into the house and I'd move to my dad's. That situation has changed and my dad has taken ill and I needed to be around my daughter so moved back into spare room and found out a week later after she said I could have a chance to work on things but was still communicating with that man. She claimed she was gonna cease contact when confronted and said I wouldn't change over night and that's why she still was in contact. Do I have a right to feel that was acceptable or am I just been a thick. I'm scared of losing everything I worked hard for in my life and hurt she done what she did but I don't want to throw away if it can be good and saved. I owe it for my daughter at least and bear 10 years would make me feel I owe it to us too.

You're still trying to pin it on one thing while the whole relationship is a mess and has been for a while. She was not right to contact others but neither were you treating her and the child the way your treated them. She did not break the contact off immediately, you did not fix yourself overnight either - from what you're saying your behaviour was quite unacceptable and that's without even hearing her side of things. You need to tackle this as a whole in your counselling otherwise you'll be playing this blame game forever. She did this, you did that - if you don't get to the root of it you will not fix a thing.

firsthouse

Thanks guys for all the comments and advice. I will go seek counselling and try get to the root issues but I don't know if it will save things unless I can understand to forgive and move forward and I think it's clear we both have major issues that need to change and be addressed for anything to come from it. I think my issues are different to hers and that's what makes it difficult and I just don't know if I can buold up trust again.

laserlad2010

I remember a thread on here recently where a woman was stuck at home with a baby whilst her "partner" went missing for days at a time, drinking and being abusive. Essentially that partner abandoned her in spirit.

You've done the same thing. Forget about the texts for ONE second!! You abandoned her to raise YOUR child alone for what seems like significant lengths of time... she spoke to you about it but in your own words you didn't take it seriously.

You went binge drinking regularly.
You didn't come home at night.
You were verbally abusive to her.

And this is just your side, which I highly suspect is minimising just how awful you were to her. You created a situation where she, rightly or wrongly, found happiness with another man.

I don't condone cheating but unless you can accept at least 50% of the blame I think it's a waste of time you continuing to post here.

You need to acknowledge your part. If you can't forgive your partner then you need to separate and focus on your child. If you can, then forgive and forget and work on your relationship.

firsthouse

laserlad2010 wrote: »

I remember a thread on here recently where a woman was stuck at home with a baby whilst her "partner" went missing for days at a time, drinking and being abusive. Essentially that partner abandoned her in spirit.

You've done the same thing. Forget about the texts for ONE second!! You abandoned her to raise YOUR child alone for what seems like significant lengths of time... she spoke to you about it but in your own words you didn't take it seriously.

You went binge drinking regularly.
You didn't come home at night.
You were verbally abusive to her.

And this is just your side, which I highly suspect is minimising just how awful you were to her. You created a situation where she, rightly or wrongly, found happiness with another man.

I don't condone cheating but unless you can accept at least 50% of the blame I think it's a waste of time you continuing to post here.

You need to acknowledge your part. If you can't forgive your partner then you need to separate and focus on your child. If you can, then forgive and forget and work on your relationship.

Don't get me wrong I hold my hands up and realise I have made mistakes and was willing to change and was showing that. I am not a bad person and I don't go binge drinking regularly and be abusive regularly either. Maybe happen a handful of times but it's not all just one way. What I'm trying to say is I'm not looking for excuses and realise my faults but is it fair to say my faults are the same to hers or is it a different argument altogether. I do realise I am at fault as well but did my faults merit what she done??

I came to this forum for advice to try get my head around things and I'm willing to work on all things but I guess my main anxiety is will she change?

Regardless of the outcome my child is the most important thing in my life and I realised the handfull of instances where I wasn't being what I should and I have to live with that and never let that happen again and won't.

I don't want anybody to think I'm looking for sympathy or compassion I am just trying to deal with the problems at hand or realise if it's not fixable. Thanks for your advice even if it doesn't favour my side of the situation

strandroad

firsthouse wrote: »

Don't get me wrong I hold my hands up and realise I have made mistakes and was willing to change and was showing that. I am not a bad person and I don't go binge drinking regularly and be abusive regularly either. Maybe happen a handful of times but it's not all just one way. What I'm trying to say is I'm not looking for excuses and realise my faults but is it fair to say my faults are the same to hers or is it a different argument altogether. I do realise I am at fault as well but did my faults merit what she done??

If you really have to compare yes you are both guilty of dumpable offences that have the potential to end any relationship. And you actually were the one to start this cycle.

See you're still in "she's done this horrible thing, can I forgive her" mindset while it's actually "she's done this horrible thing after I was horrible to them, can we both work through it". Do you realise that she has plenty to forgive you too?

firsthouse wrote: »

Regardless of the outcome my child is the most important thing in my life and I realised the handfull of instances where I wasn't being what I should and I have to live with that and never let that happen again and won't.

From what you're saying I don't think that it's truthful to say it was a handful of instances, it's your blinkers on again. You were not doing your share around the house, you were prioritising your drinking over time together (that bit of not being able to get a childminder - while having money for binge drinking sessions - is just woeful), you were not listening to her bringing it up then you were abusive. It's not a handful of isolated mistakes, it's a prolonged toxic situation when she needed you the most with the baby.

Were you like this before the baby arrived too or was there an escalation in the last two years?

Benjamin Beo

firsthouse wrote: »

I'm not gonna lie. I probably jumped at the chance at going out with the lads once or twice a month and neglected going out with her or staying in.

Do you think it is the same as cheating? She said she felt unwanted and lonely and wanted attention. All the conversations seemed to be with American guys and she claims she had no intention of anything further and was stupid to do what she done and says she still loves me but I dunno how I can trust that and forgive?

There's been a couple nights out where I crashed at a friends place usually due to been drunk but never been unfaithful.

Due to go to relationship counsellor to talk openly about the issues. I feel I owe that for the sake of the years spent and for my daughter.

I just don't know am I lining myself up to be hurt again or can this be solved and move forward. Should I believe her cries and sorries and think it will never happen again and should I have part to blame for this?

You went out once or twice a month, so what, you can go out occasionally with your friends if you want.

If I were you I would break up with her, she has betrayed your trust on an ongoing basis, it wasn't a once off mistake.

firsthouse

mhge wrote: »

If you really have to compare yes you are both guilty of dumpable offences that have the potential to end any relationship. And you actually were the one to start this cycle.

See you're still in "she's done this horrible thing, can I forgive her" mindset while it's actually "she's done this horrible thing after I was horrible to them, can we both work through it". Do you realise that she has plenty to forgive you too?



From what you're saying I don't think that it's truthful to say it was a handful of instances, it's your blinkers on again. You were not doing your share around the house, you were prioritising your drinking over time together (that bit of not being able to get a childminder - while having money for binge drinking sessions - is just woeful), you were not listening to her bringing it up then you were abusive. It's not a handful of isolated mistakes, it's a prolonged toxic situation when she needed you the most with the baby.

Were you like this before the baby arrived too or was there an escalation in the last two years?

I do think you make a valid point and thanks. I have decided I'm gonna try work on things and hopefully with counselling we can start something new and close the door behind us and both change for the better.

firsthouse

Benjamin Beo wrote: »

You went out once or twice a month, so what, you can go out occasionally with your friends if you want.

If I were you I would break up with her, she has betrayed your trust on an ongoing basis, it wasn't a once off mistake.

I realise now been hungover on a Sunday only seen the people close to me suffer so addressing my drinking will only benefit myself in the long run. It's ok to enjoy a pint with the lads but what I done was choose them over her and that was my mistake. I do realise I am to blame as well and regardless of if the relationship works in the future I feel I need to be a better person for myself and my child. In regards to what she done I will listen and decide myself if I can forgive and move on. Cheers for your input

laserlad2010

Look OP, posters usually only get harsh responses when they appear to be refusing to see sense.

You seem to be acknowledging your problems and attempting to work towards them which is a good thing.

None of us can live your life for you - we've tried to help you see the problems from your point of view and hers. It's up to you how you address it.

Best of luck.

For what it's worth, forgiveness is something people never really value until they need it. It takes a lot more courage to truly forgive someone than to walk away sometimes - and forgiving her is not surrendering or a victory for her, its a victory for both of you.

zeffabelli

I am shocked at some responses here talking about her betrayal and using all this dramatic lamguage. And encouraging to ask her to move out.


It looks like attention and validation seeking because she isn't getting it from home and you leave her to take care of baby on her own.

Honestly. Of course she's looking for attention elsewhere. Why wouldn't she?

Kenny B

zeffabelli wrote: »

I am shocked at some responses here talking about her betrayal and using all this dramatic lamguage. And encouraging to ask her to move out.


It looks like attention and validation seeking because she isn't getting it from home and you leave her to take care of baby on her own.

Honestly. Of course she's looking for attention elsewhere. Why wouldn't she?

Agreed, no one should be moving out until the relationship is beyond repair. At face value she was flirting with the easiest option she could find, she also took it to the next step, which is deeply disappointing, Realistically though it was probably going no further.

I have found emails on my wife's Hotmail where she flirted with a work colleague and the innuendo of their comments was the worst part as I the 3rd party could not attribute the meaning of something said on that may have been innocent (or not), he also had been in my house a few times I heard later from the kids, at the time I wasn't sure if it was 'paranoia or clarity'. I chose to let it go as thoughts like that serve no good purpose unless I want rid of her. I told her she can have her friends but think about it, which she did.

I like my wife so decided it was ok and no longer think twice about what she does on a night out, if I don't give her an outlet to flirt, who am I to stop doing something so fabulous. She is a person who needs a life.

You got lazy and its time to stop, your only fault was laziness, hers was doing something stupid - No point beating each other over it, it serves no purpose. Move on in your own head, it brings a great sense of peace.