Not getting second dates

LegacyUser

I appreciate what I am asking is difficult to answer but I am not getting any second dates

I have never had a second date, I have no idea how to gauge whether a girl is interested or not, usually the dates goes well, they say they enjoyed themselves, I ask if they like to meet again they say yes, when I text to arrange another date my texts are either ignored or I get I’m busy line. A lot of time I feel like I made a fool of myself for not have the “social skills” to interpret what they are telling me, rejection isn’t the problem when it happens all the time you think whets the point.

I don’t go on many dates I live in a small town and have few friends I don’t meet many girls I am interested in dating, at 40 I have never had a relationship beyond a handful of first dates, I know that sounds very odd but I never prioritised a relationship, I wanted one but didn’t need one, I was busy, I am a normal guy, popular at work, lots of interests and hobbies that take up a lot of time, a successful carer and it just never happened. I can’t say I am unlucky in love because I think women just don’t take to me, I think they see me as a little straight laced, but recently I meet someone through a friend went on a date, the usual process in my head played out how the f&&k did I manage to get this hot girl to see me, the date followed the same formula as all others almost to a tee, date went well chatted away (something I am good at) had a kiss, I asked if she wanted to see me again she agreed but wasn’t overly enthusiastic just a ya sure, so I thought here we go and didn’t follow up on it, I liked this girl we had a lot in common and for the first time I realised that having a intimate relationship would be really great. I still have no idea if I did the right thing by not following up but at this stage I am a little battle weary.

If a girl/women in her thirties is interested in meeting again how do you know, I appreciate every girl is different and I know I need to work on myself but if there is generic guide I would love to hear about it.

dellas1979

Lonelyguy2015 wrote: »

If a girl/women in her thirties is interested in meeting again how do you know, I appreciate every girl is different and I know I need to work on myself but if there is generic guide I would love to hear about it.

You just simply ask.

A yes, great. A no, move on.

You are fulfilling your own prophesy and "making" it come true by not asking.

OneOfThem

Stop asking them if they'd like to see you again at the end of the date man. Can come across a little needy. Leave it unsaid that of course they will want to.

ShaShaBear

Is it possible that your describing of your life and future goals or ambitions might be off-putting to the majority of women in the age category you are dating?
For example, are you saying you don't want kids/marriage? Are you talking about your hectic schedule with work and hobbies (that has prevented you from having time for a relationship) in such a way that these women realise they might have to fight to even see you let alone be a viable candidate for your attention?

stickybookmark

It's a tough one because obviously if you ask someone straight to their face if they want to see you again, they are Always going to say yes even if they mean no. I agree with OneOfThem, don't ask them at the end of the date. Message them a few days later to ask instead, then you'll get an honest answer.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for taking the time to reply,

I do ask and move on when i get the "you're a great guy but" line and not asking them on date immediately after the first is a great idea, as far as too many hobbies, too little time are concerned I don't think that is the issue, the issue is a bigger one and one that is getting to me over the past number of weeks, i.e these women prefer to be single and at home than go on another date with me and that is hard on my ego; but also I have no idea how to correct it, no idea what exactly women find so revolting about me.

I am not a needy guy or a "nice guy" I am confident and well rounded, approaching women day or night to chat to them is no problem to me. The thread on loneliness on this page is something I can relate too, I accepted I may never have a family or marry and embraced the single life some time ago, but I still hope for emotional and physical companionship without it life is very grey.

I have always admired myself I am a decent man, but lately I can't stomach looking in the mirror because what I thought I saw is not the reality, people especially women don't warm to me, getting the first date is no problem, I have tried personal growth over the years, self help books etc. but clearly its not working.

Honestly I look at couples and think if that guy can do so can I, but the reality in 40 odd years is I can't and that further compounds the problem.

Roselm

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Is it possible that your describing of your life and future goals or ambitions might be off-putting to the majority of women in the age category you are dating?
For example, are you saying you don't want kids/marriage? Are you talking about your hectic schedule with work and hobbies (that has prevented you from having time for a relationship) in such a way that these women realise they might have to fight to even see you let alone be a viable candidate for your attention?

Yeah I'm thinking it might be what you're saying or how you're saying it.

You're able to chat to women-how chatty are you? Some people who love to chat can take over a conversation if they do all the talking or have random interests that get talked about a lot that the other person doesn't care about.

During these dates how is your date responding.Is she laughing with you? Are you sharing opinions you both connect with?
There needs to be a connection.It can't just be superficial chatting...

stickybookmark

Lonelyguy2015 wrote: »

I
recently I meet someone through a friend went on a date

It's very hard for us to guess what it might be. Can you ask the friend mentioned here for honest feedback? After all this friend knows both you and your most recent date and more than likely this friend knows the girl's assessment of the date.

Ask your friend to be brutally honest with you.

If that particular avenue doesn't work can you ask another friend of yours for an honest opinion, why do they think you don't get second dates?

It's obviously not looks if you have no problem getting the first date!

Katgurl

God OP I really feel bad for you, that must be very disheartening. I can't think of anything from your post that would give a hint. You sound great to be honest; confident, interesting etc You approach women, you make moves on them during the date, you follow up.

Really it's impossible to say. Do you ask them questions about themselves? Are you interested when they speak? Do you make derogatory comments about people?

Although to be honest even the above doesn't explain.

I think if you are brave enough, you will have to ask the common friend or a previosu date for some brutal feedback.

Best of luck.

beks101

You're able to chat but are you able to flirt with women? What's your body language like around a woman you're attracted to that you're on a date with? Do you laugh and smile a lot and catch every opportunity to touch her on the arm or playfully touch her back? Do you sit close to her? Is there playful innuendo? Do you hold strong eye contact and ask her lots of questions about herself?

I might be wrong but perhaps a part of the problem is you're failing to register sexual interest in these women and are instead establishing a 'friend' vibe - you're a sound lad with lots to talk about and not bad looking but just 'meh.' No chemistry. Can't imagine the physical stuff. You need to establish yourself as a red-blooded man with a strong sexual interest in her.

A few things that all of my best first dates that went the full stretch had in common:

- Lots of laughing and smiling. He constantly found opportunity to make jokes and slag me playfully, always good-naturedly but in a not-afraid-to-offend kind of way. I wasn't on a pedestal of any sort, in other words.

- Lots and lots of body contact. Sitting close to me, thighs brushing off each other kind of way. A brush of the upper arm/shoulder/upper thigh/hand on lower back etc. Really helps to develop chemistry and show physical interest in your date as man and woman, as opposed to two new friends having a chat.

- A playful curiosity about my body. Usually along the lines of 'your hands are so small!" and holding his against mine to compare. Any chance to touch or look. The key is, non-creepy. Not leering or salivating. Just innocent comments and comparisons. 'Your feet are so tiny', 'Your eyes are ridiculous! What colour are they?' Touching my hair or my necklace/bracelet/ring etc.
When a guy does this, I know he's physically interested and his own stature/sexual presence is immediately on my radar.

- Eye contact. Again, non creepy. Don't stare. Ask her questions and look intently. Look, look away, then look again and smile. Hold eye contact while laughing and talking about personal things. Allow it to lead into stroking her hand, sitting close to her, leaning in etc etc

- 'Future' comments. 'You're into Italian food? I know the best place in town! We should go sometime.' 'Have you been for a hike around (x random place)? No? OK. We are going!"
Anytime that happens, all going well attraction-wise it puts me in the headspace of seeing him again, this not being a one-off thing. I went on one date with a guy who told me he had snuck into Wimbledon as a child, 'it's great fun, we should try it sometime!' For our second date we bought some Pimms and sat in the sunshine outside centre-court for seven hours.
It's basically telling her 'I'm interested', without the heavy, intense, on-the-spot-ness of "do you want to see me again?"

Just a few pointers. Maybe you're doing some of these things already. It just struck me from your posts that you're one of those guys who goes along for a chat as if you've met a new mate, as opposed to viewing this person as someone you have a sexual interest in. So she's getting this 'friend' vibe. Which is fine when you're in the market for a new friend. But if she's on a date with you, she's obviously not. She's looking for more, but you're not bringing the goods to the table.