Roomie - right or wrong?

Hanaconn

I am renting a room in a landlord owned house (just us 2) Sun-Fri. No discussion re long term boyfriend staying over when I moved in... Is it unreasonable to expect every so often that he may need to stay over with me? Been living here a few months and texted her to ask her if he could stay once before and she said yes as it was a "one off". He hasn't been back since. I'm 30 years old. And she's a couple of years older. Feel like I'm 16 again!

delthedriver

Hanaconn wrote: »

I am renting a room in a landlord owned house (just us 2) Sun-Fri. No discussion re long term boyfriend staying over when I moved in... Is it unreasonable to expect every so often that he may need to stay over with me? Been living here a few months and texted her to ask her if he could stay once before and she said yes as it was a "one off". He hasn't been back since. I'm 30 years old. And she's a couple of years older. Feel like I'm 16 again!

Time to get your own place

Hanaconn

delthedriver wrote: »

Time to get your own place

You are 100% right. Trying to save for a deposit for mortgage atm!

Zillah

I think the mistake was asking in the first place. You have a right to have a guest over on occasion.

BreadnBuddha

Hanaconn wrote: »

I am renting a room in a landlord owned house (just us 2) Sun-Fri. No discussion re long term boyfriend staying over when I moved in... Is it unreasonable to expect every so often that he may need to stay over with me? Been living here a few months and texted her to ask her if he could stay once before and she said yes as it was a "one off". He hasn't been back since. I'm 30 years old. And she's a couple of years older. Feel like I'm 16 again!

Her house, her rules.

She's well within her rights to apply a blanket ban and to be honest, your expectation is unreasonable if you didn't raise the matter when looking to move in and expect her to have no problem with it now by default.

Discuss it with her, but her say is what matters, not yours. If that doesn't suit, find someone to share with (you're not sharing if it's her home) or your own place.

It's that simple.

Penny Tration

Zillah wrote: »

I think the mistake was asking in the first place. You have a right to have a guest over on occasion.

She doesn't. She's a licensee and as such, has no rights at all

Moonbeam

Once it is not 2-3 nights every week,It wouldn't be a problem for me.

Subcomandante Marcos

This is just one of many thing that make renting a room in an owner occupied house a bad idea in general.

athtrasna

Have you considered sitting down and having a conversation with your landlady? Bearing in mind that if it all goes sour, she can ask you to move out.

I learned the hard way to have that conversation at the start. My former lodger was single when he moved in but when he started going out with someone she was here so much that I felt I was the guest. He bought a place fairly soon after that and moved out. With my new housemate I made it clear from the start that I wanted to live with one person not two and so overnight guests were welcome for a maximum of two nights per week. That's generous compared to a friend who recently moved into an owner occupied apartment and one of the many formal rules was that overnight guests needed advance written consent...and no they didn't move in with Sheldon Cooper

desbrook

Hanaconn wrote: »

I am renting a room in a landlord owned house (just us 2) Sun-Fri. No discussion re long term boyfriend staying over when I moved in... Is it unreasonable to expect every so often that he may need to stay over with me? Been living here a few months and texted her to ask her if he could stay once before and she said yes as it was a "one off". He hasn't been back since. I'm 30 years old. And she's a couple of years older. Feel like I'm 16 again!

No it's not unreasonable to me but I don't matter because I don't own the house you are living in. Sorry OP but she has absolute say on this as others have pointed out.

Hanaconn

Surely every now and again isn't unreasonable. We wouldn't be hanging around the place making her uncomfortable. We would literally be sleeping there and away first thing in the morning.

Stheno

Hanaconn wrote: »

Surely every now and again isn't unreasonable. We wouldn't be hanging around the place making her uncomfortable. We would literally be sleeping there and away first thing in the morning.

Seriously her house her rules

Mrs OBumble

Hanaconn wrote: »

Surely every now and again isn't unreasonable. We wouldn't be hanging around the place making her uncomfortable. We would literally be sleeping there and away first thing in the morning.

Provided you had talked about it up-front, if would not be unreasonable.

But because you didn't, you're now totally at her mercy.

Sit down at talk to her now. But be aware of your alternatives.

Peregrinus

When you're living in someone else's home - even for money - you don't automatically have the right to invite others to stay in her home, even for one night. You need to negotiate this with her.

And I can see how she'd be uncomfortable about having men that she doesn't know staying in her home. You know your boyfriend, but she doesn't. So I don't think you can assume that she "should be OK with it". She might be OK with it, but she could quite reasonably not be OK with it.

So by all means have the conversation with her, but be aware that a not unlikely outcome is that you will conclude that it's time for you to start looking for another place.

Radiosonde

Peregrinus wrote: »

And I can see how she'd be uncomfortable about having men that she doesn't know staying in her home. You know your boyfriend, but she doesn't. So I don't think you can assume that she "should be OK with it". She might be OK with it, but she could quite reasonably not be OK with it.

Why is it reasonable to have a problem with it? If she's uncomfortable with people she doesn't know staying in her house then perhaps a lodger was not a great idea. And it's entirely predictable that a young female lodger will at some point want to bring a male guest over, and if he's a longterm boyfriend she will probably want to bring him over regularly.

Note I'm disputing that the OP has no right to have guests over. But if people are to seek to make money by renting out rooms, then is it really reasonable to forbid overnight visitors?

Peregrinus

Radiosonde wrote: »

Why is it reasonable to have a problem with it? If she's uncomfortable with people she doesn't know staying in her house then perhaps a lodger was not a great idea. And it's entirely predictable that a young female lodger will at some point want to bring a male guest over, and if he's a longterm boyfriend she will probably want to bring him over regularly.

Note I'm disputing that the OP has no right to have guests over. But if people are to seek to make money by renting out rooms, then is it really reasonable to forbid overnight visitors?

I think it is, yes. The homeowner has screened the lodger, and has had an opportunity to reject potential lodgers with whom she was uncomfortable. She has no such opportunity with a lodger's romantic partners or other friends. It's reasonable for her to say "This is my home. People can stay here on my invitation, but not on the invitation of my lodgers."

It's equally reasonable for the lodger to want to have her boyfriend to stay over. It's not reasonable, though to think that she has the right to have her boyfriend stay over in someone else's home. She either needs to negotiate this with the person whose lodger/roommate she is, or she needs to find self-contained accommodation. Or to find a boyfriend with self-contained accommodation.

BreadnBuddha

Radiosonde wrote: »

Note I'm disputing that the OP has no right to have guests over. But if people are to seek to make money by renting out rooms, then is it really reasonable to forbid overnight visitors?

Put the sense of entitlement to one side here. As a licensee, she's not entitled to anything that's not a right protected by law or a privilege granted by her landlady.

She has no right.

If she discusses it now, there's a possibility she will be granted that privilege by her landlady, but it is not and never will be a right.

Like any privilege, should she be permitted to have her boyfriend stay over, it can be withdrawn by the person who granted it.

Those are the rules of the game she's playing. If she doesn't like those rules, change the game and find different players.

Neon_Lights

Maybe she just wants a good nights sleep

Radiosonde

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Put the sense of entitlement to one side here. As a licensee, she's not entitled to anything that's not a right protected by law or a privilege granted by her landlady.

She has no right.

If she discusses it now, there's a possibility she will be granted that privilege by her landlady, but it is not and never will be a right.

Like any privilege, should she be permitted to have her boyfriend stay over, it can be withdrawn by the person who granted it.

Those are the rules of the game she's playing. If she doesn't like those rules, change the game and find different players.

Well I don't have a sense of entitlement here as it's not my issue, but there is an error in the quote from me, which should read "not disputing."

However, the "rules of the game" are not carved in stone and they could conceivably change if society wills it. If you want to turn your home into a business - which is what people who take in lodgers are doing - I don't see why you should get to play the "this is my home" card and decide that your lodger can't invite guests over because you feel some vague discomfort with this arrangement. A lodger should be as much at "home" in their rented accommodation as any tenant.

Peregrinus

The whole point about lodging is that the lodger doesn't have control over the place where they lodge - it's somebody else's house, and they are (paying) guests in it, with all the limitations that that implies. That's why lodging is a relatively cheap way of getting accommodation.

If you want a place where you're not accountable for others for what you do and who you entertain, get your own place. Otherwise, you are going to have to negotiate the use you make of the place. This isn't some arbitrary rule; it's a natural consequence of the whole idea of renting a room in someone else's house.

CIARAN_BOYLE

Radiosonde wrote: »

Well I don't have a sense of entitlement here as it's not my issue, but there is an error in the quote from me, which should read "not disputing."

However, the "rules of the game" are not carved in stone and they could conceivably change if society wills it. If you want to turn your home into a business - which is what people who take in lodgers are doing - I don't see why you should get to play the "this is my home" card and decide that your lodger can't invite guests over because you feel some vague discomfort with this arrangement. A lodger should be as much at "home" in their rented accommodation as any tenant.

why should a lodger feel as at home as a tennant, they have significantly less legal rights and should be paying less for their accokodation.

Graham

Radiosonde wrote: »

A lodger should be as much at "home" in their rented accommodation as any tenant.

By definition isn't a lodger someone who is provided lodgings i.e. a temporary place to stay.

Radiosonde

Peregrinus wrote: »

The whole point about lodging is that the lodger doesn't have control over the place where they lodge - it's somebody else's house, and they are (paying) guests in it, with all the limitations that that implies. That's why lodging is a relatively cheap way of getting accommodation.

If you want a place where you're not accountable for others for what you do and who you entertain, get your own place. Otherwise, you are going to have to negotiate the use you make of the place. This isn't some arbitrary rule; it's a natural consequence of the whole idea of renting a room in someone else's house.

The problem with telling someone to "get their own place" is that it might not be possible; I'm sure there are many people renting rooms in Dublin right now, who would love to have their own place, but can't find one due to cost and availability. That being so, I don't think it's enough to flatly tell them that something as simple as having their boyfriend or girlfriend staying for a night should remain at the whims of whomever they are paying for the room. They should be able to use their room in the ways we would think it reasonable and normal for any person sharing rented accommodation to use their bedroom, and that includes having their partner stay overnight occasionally.

Piper101

I read they are both lodgers? Both renting rooms in a house owned by a third party no?

Peregrinus

Radiosonde wrote: »

The problem with telling someone to "get their own place" is that it might not be possible . . .

I get that. But so what? The fact that you're unable to get a place to which you can invite your friends to stay may be regrettable, but it doesn't mean that you have a right to invite them to stay in my place.

Radiosonde wrote: »

They should be able to use their room in the ways we would think it reasonable and normal for any person sharing rented accommodation to use their bedroom, and that includes having their partner stay overnight occasionally.

But they're not just using their room, Radiosonde. They're using the house - the front door, the hallways and corridors, possibly the kitchen, the bathroom, the sitting room. It wouldn't bother me, but I can see that another homeowner might be quite uncomfortable about people they don't know from Adam being invited by others to stay at their house.

Besides, if you think it's problematic finding accommodation right now, do you seriously think that the situation will get any better if people are not allowed to take in lodgers unless they are also prepared to abandon any control over who sleeps in their home? The foreseeable result is a smaller number of people who are willing to take in lodgers, which is not a desirable outcome.

Graham

Piper101 wrote: »

I read they are both lodgers? Both renting rooms in a house owned by a third party no?

No, I don't think so. OP mentions not making the homeowner uncomfortable when having overnight guests from which I'd infer she's lodging with the homeowner.

Penny Dreadful

Perhaps the owner of the house has been burned in the past.

I used to rent rooms out in the house I owned previously. Some of the people were great others were a little odd.
One girl announced over dinner one evening that her friend was moving over from Sweden and as she hadn't found anywhere to live as of yet she had told her that she could share with us for as long as she wished!:eek:
Apparently it was her room so she could do that if she wished.
Feeling sorry for the girl who was moving over I said ok for two weeks but then that was it she had to have found somewhere else and she did. Kinda.

Turned out that she kept a key to my house and used to come back during the day to cook and do her laundry and have a shower, etc.
Apparently her rent was high and to keep her share of the bills down she'd come to my house to do the above and have us pay for it without even knowing.

There was another girl who had her boyfriend over one night per week and that was agreed at the start and I had no issue with that at all. That is until she told me that Tuesday was their date night and no only was he coming over she wanted me out of the house so she could have a romantic dinner, wine, watch a movie, I don't know have sex on the stairs......
So my lodger effectively banned me from my own house each and every Tuesday evening.

If she had asked me the odd time if I didn't mind not being there like a fool I would probably have agreed but to tell me I couldn't be there at all was just too much.

bonyn

Hanaconn wrote: »

I am renting a room in a landlord owned house (just us 2) Sun-Fri. No discussion re long term boyfriend staying over when I moved in... Is it unreasonable to expect every so often that he may need to stay over with me? Been living here a few months and texted her to ask her if he could stay once before and she said yes as it was a "one off". He hasn't been back since. I'm 30 years old. And she's a couple of years older. Feel like I'm 16 again!

It sounds like a mid-week rental from an owner-occupier under a licensee arrangement.

I know some people who stayed in B&Bs during the week while they were at college (3 nights, good rate & cheaper than renting a room). Could they also argue they are entitled to have overnight guests?

I suppose the question to consider: if you boyfriend "needs" somewhere to stay, what's wrong with a B&B or hotel?

sillysmiles

This whole thread is what is wrong with renting in Ireland. It is and should be entirely reasonable to live as an adult in rented accommodation.

While the renter is not paying a mortgage, they are paying to live in the house and while paying to live there it is their current home. The home owner chose to rent out part of her house. The owner is not doing the renter a favour - she is earning money from the renter that is going towards paying for the mortgage.

I understand that legally the renter has shag all rights in this situation, but I guess what I'm saying is that this is part of the reason people are pushed into buying their own homes, when there are people that would happily rent if renters had rights.


OP, you could start the conversation by saying that I get the feeling you are not comfortable with my partner visiting, what is it about him staying that makes you uncomfortable, and how do we address that? Break it down, be reasonable. Be clear about boundaries. Be prepared that it may not work out!

testaccount123

sillysmiles wrote: »

This whole thread is what is wrong with renting in Ireland. It is and should

The OP is a lodger not a tenant, there are pretty good protections for actual tenants under the Residential Tenancies Act. No 30 year old should be a lodger, she should rent somewhere properly with a lease.

Peregrinus

sillysmiles wrote: »

This whole thread is what is wrong with renting in Ireland. It is and should be entirely reasonable to live as an adult in rented accommodation.

While the renter is not paying a mortgage, they are paying to live in the house and while paying to live there it is their current home. The home owner chose to rent out part of her house. The owner is not doing the renter a favour - she is earning money from the renter that is going towards paying for the mortgage.

I understand that legally the renter has shag all rights in this situation, but I guess what I'm saying is that this is part of the reason people are pushed into buying their own homes, when there are people that would happily rent if renters had rights.

At the moment, you can rent self-contained accommodation and do what you like it it as regards guests, or rent shared accommodation and negotiate the question of guests. Presumably the OP has rented shared accommodation because either (a) that's what she wants, or (b) that's all she can afford.

If you introduce a rule that people who let out rooms in their house have no control over who stays at their house, the obvious result is that very few people will let our rooms in their house. The likely effect on the OP is that she would have no choice but to rent self-contained accommodation, even though she either cannot afford, or does not want, to do so. I don't think that would be an overall improvement in her position.