should i be worried? advice needed, HELP

katekal

right here goes this may be a long... so I met a guy on a dating website he was really nice looking and we chatted and got on well, he asked me if I wanted to meet up for a date, I said what the heck, but he was going away for work, he works away for a few weeks at a time, so we started chatting Wednesday and he was going sunday so he asked could we meet Saturday night as he really wanted to see me before he left, I agreed even though I thought it was a bit soon, so as sat approached he asked what I wanted to do so I said I didn't mind id leave it to him, he lives an hour away and was driving so couldn't drink so suggested a pizza and movie at mine, straight away I felt uneasy as hes a stranger and its not the typical first date, I know it wasn't fair but I was thinking awe no way this guy is just after one thing so I cancelled saying I didn't want to waste his time, he pleaded with me to meet him saying if I didn't feel comfortable to pick anything else and we could do it, so I choose a meal in town and drop me home after- safe bet!!

so the date went great we chatted so easily I was so attracted to him he is a really lovely guy so we got home kissed goodbye etc, his hands started to wander but I stopped him and he went off happy and we are texting non stop since, hes really sweet and says he cant wait to see me again, he seems interested in my life
so here lies the problem, he keeps referring to sex when we talk, somehow the conversation always gets round to it, I actually said it to him that its too early for that talk and he agrees but then somehow we are talking about it again, now im not a prude but I just don't want it to be based on sex

every night since hes been away he sends pics and asks for them in return, he actually sent me a video the other night, I nearly chocked on my tea lol

so what should I do? I could honestly see him being a future boyfriend but he is abit sleazy the way he talks to me sometimes, is he just looking for sex? last night he sent me a really filthy meme thing and It was ott, ive already talked to him and told him to calm it down but it doesn't last
I need advice has people been in this situation before?he ticks every box and this isn't really a huge issue if it wasn't a week after meeting,

part of me is saying block him and the other part is saying don't dismiss all the good things he has going for him bar this flaw,

thanks x

Tilly

If he's sending you dirty pics and vids after you've told him you're not into all that then i'd bin him. He's clearly not listening to you. You shouldnt be having doubts about blocking someone after one date. Plus he's making you feel uncomfortable. Let him off.

m'lady

I'm sorry but I think you were right the first time- he's only after one thing. You've asked him to stop, explained your reasons why and he still sent you pics/videos? I'd get rid, as he sounds like a head melt tbh.

beyondbelief67

Despite all his good points and the things you like about him, they mean nothing when the main problem here is that he doesn't respect your thoughts or wishes.
If he's not respecting your request to tone it down and back off on the sex stuff now after the amount of times you have told him, no say goodbye he's not listening to you or respecting you.
you will find someone who you deserve and respects you goodluck.

ibarelycare

He's probably not necessarily after one thing, I'm sure he does like you. However you've made it clear to him that you're not comfortable with the sexual talk and he doesn't respect that.

Have you said it to him just once that you weren't happy with the sex talk? If you really like it and you think it's worth giving him another chance, then say it again and say it firmly. But I think if you've said it on more than one occasion and he's still at it then it's time to cut him off.

MayoSalmon

Bin and move on

Taboola

I know you said you're not into it but have you been sending pictures back to him? If you have it's giving him a mixed message and he probably thinks it's ok to keep sending them.

LegacyUser

It's amazing how many of these internet dating stories start with "he works away from home for days/weeks/months and we live an hour (or more) apart". I would take it as code at this stage for him being attached and only after one thing on the side, the distance and ready made excuse for not being available being the setup and the eagerness to talk sex being an effort to get the only thing he wants out of it.
The general run of things after that is that he'll disappear, barely sticking around long enough to make excuses like the distance is an issue or working away from home means he can't see you as much as he likes and it's unfair on you.

Maybe that's cynical of me, but your story fits the bill perfectly and if I were you, I'd let this one go.

stickybookmark

He's just looking for se*x. Suggesting the first date as a movie and a pizza at yours?!?!
Come on!!!

magicmushroom

Absolutely hate this carry on from guys.

I was chatting to the NICEST guy ever on POF a while back and it went great he was in Oz for a while but we were arranging a meet up for when he returned home. Really got on, we even added each other on FB and would regularly chat.

Then one night, out of the blue, he sends me a picture of his willy and a message about how turned on he is etc - YUCK.
That kind of stuff can be fun with a boyfriend but not someone you barely know. Needless to say, I stopped the contact shortly after. Totally put me off him.

OP I would stop the contact, it's VERY clear from your post that he is after one thing only. The fact that you like him coupled with this constant sexual reference and pressure from him could make you do something you regret so I would walk away from it now.
He is acting in a very sleazy way, you've asked him to stop and he hasn't. That says a lot about him.

katekal

see this is what im thinking, I cancelled the first date initially because pizza n movie with a stranger in my house set off alarm bells, then when he tried so hard and changed my mind I thought he's worth a chance, so he knew from the off that I wasn't into a sexual encounter

we spoke about that on the date, and he said he understood and respected that, but then id say when he was dropping me home if he got any chance at all he would have went for it

we don't just talk about sex he does ask about my day and other random stuff but it always becomes sexual. we have spoke about past relationships etc, I know crazy after a week but we are speaking so much and both curious I guess,

we both talked about taking things slow actually HE said it but yet lastnight as soon as I told him I was in bed the "what are u wearing" started I joked about not starting this again and quickly changed the subject and soon enough we were back talking about it again hes very cunning lol

ill admit I did send pics too but quite tame compared to him
oh gosh I dunno what to do the crazy thing is I do like him and im very attracted to him but im afraid it will just become sex and that's not what I want he did say lastnight hes hoping we have a future but is that just part of his game to reel me in

ibarelycare

katekal wrote: »

see this is what im thinking, I cancelled the first date initially because pizza n movie with a stranger in my house set off alarm bells, then when he tried so hard and changed my mind I thought he's worth a chance, so he knew from the off that I wasn't into a sexual encounter

we spoke about that on the date, and he said he understood and respected that, but then id say when he was dropping me home if he got any chance at all he would have went for it

we don't just talk about sex he does ask about my day and other random stuff but it always becomes sexual. we have spoke about past relationships etc, I know crazy after a week but we are speaking so much and both curious I guess,

we both talked about taking things slow actually HE said it but yet lastnight as soon as I told him I was in bed the "what are u wearing" started I joked about not starting this again and quickly changed the subject and soon enough we were back talking about it again hes very cunning lol

ill admit I did send pics too but quite tame compared to him
oh gosh I dunno what to do the crazy thing is I do like him and im very attracted to him but im afraid it will just become sex and that's not what I want he did say lastnight hes hoping we have a future but is that just part of his game to reel me in

So you're reciprocating with the sex talk? Why? If you don't want to talk about it then don't, and be clear. If you're reciprocating then he's going to think that you're into it.

stickybookmark

katekal wrote: »

ill admit I did send pics too but quite tame compared to him
oh gosh I dunno what to do the crazy thing is I do like him and im very attracted to him but im afraid it will just become sex and that's not what I want he did say lastnight hes hoping we have a future but is that just part of his game to reel me in

Yes. I've seen his type in action many times before, both personally & seen friends go through it.
Unfortunately most of us girls have to learn these lessons the hard way. What generally happens in these situations is friends (and in this case strangers online) try to warn the girl what type the guy is, but the girl falls for him anyway and gets hurt. But at least if that does happen you'll be wise to this type of the guy the next time you encounter one.

Ursus Horribilis

I think because you like him you can't bring yourself to assemble the pieces of the jigsaw and see what we can see. Everything about this points to him only wanting sex but for some reason you're struggling to accept this. People who only want sex come in all shapes and sizes. Even as nice charming men who say the right thing and you can see as future boyfriend material.

katekal

yes I am, but I cant explain it he will ask me a question and then it starts im not a virgin ive been in 2 long term relationships, I suppose I don't want him to think I'm a prude either, abit of harmless flirting and pics is grand, the pics I sent aren't vulgar or anything im clothed in them, but the ones he sends are pretty full on, the type u would send to someone u know really well and ur with a long time where your comfortable to send those kind of pics, im just thinking how many other women have seen these pics and seen my potential boyfriends full package

katekal

your right guys I know ye are, what do I do now? he text this morn at 7 to say have a great day, ill be thinking of u all day, ill call u after work, how do I finish it?

block him or explain? If I try to explain he will prob talk me around again hes not home for another 2 weeks anyway

njs030

Nice men who would be perfect boyfriends can just want sex too, it's not that every man who just wants sex is obviously nasty.

Op is he doing this every day? What do you do? Do you stop talking to him completely then to show him you're not comfortable or do you let him cajole you into joining in?

Btw you've only known him a short time and he's talking about a future together and he'll be thinking of you all day? That sounds very full on....those tend to burn out very fast too.

If you want to end it just say you've decided it's nnot what you want and just stop contact. Don't explain or he'll talk you round again.

katekal

I sometimes just blank it, like lastnight he seen I read the meme n I just didn't reply ad went to sleep, then this morn I seen he had replied with a goodnight and he text first thing this morn,
we do speak about other things he wants to know everything about me he askes about all aspects of my life

Ursus Horribilis

You sound a bit naive. I wonder has he picked up on this?

katekal

naïve?? why

katekal

naïve?? why that's a bit uncalled for im here looking for advice not insults

Ursus Horribilis

I'm sorry if you feel insulted - I was just making an observation based on what you've posted here. I suggested it to make you stop and look at things from a potential other angle.

To me it's blatantly obvious that he's a (possibly attached) sleaze who's trying to bed you. If you want advice take what has been suggested already. Tell him you're not interested and block his number.

seenitall

Hi OP,

This 'boyfriend material' of yours is making it so obvious that he's only after one thing, it's actually funny!

At least I'd find him funny. I'm afraid that a lifetime of dealing with his type and worse, has made me a bit cruel (no more cruel than the game that he's currently up to with you, though), so if I were you I'd start to mock him mercilessly every time he got round to his favourite topic - I'd have a bit of fun with that, I can tell you. Tell him to stop sending pics of his dick unless he wants to put you off forever, as that acorn he has there is just not up to your usual standards, so sorry about that

and that kind of thing

Seriously, he's being unbelievably disrespectful by consistently ignoring what you are telling him and then playing on your weakness for him so cunningly that even some people on here are telling you that it's your fault that he keeps pushing those boundaries. What they are right about, though, is that you are letting him away with all the sleaze and disrespect here. Perhaps you do need to learn the hard way that men like this don't make any kind of boyfriend material, let alone a good or respectful or caring one. He'll be gone from your life quicker than he came (excuse the pun), you can take that as a given, OP.

Good luck with it all anyway. You live, you learn, eh?

ElleEm

I don't think it was meant as an insult. Other girls might see this behaviour a mile off but you are unsure of whether it is appropriate or not. You are going along with something then feel uncomfortable about it and are afraid he will "talk you around". This is probably why that poster said you seem naive.
There are so many red flags in this, other posters have mentioned these. You shouldn't be doubting him so early on.
If you want to end it, just say you are not feeling it anymore!

njs030

Odus fell down wrote: »

You sound a bit naive. I wonder has he picked up on this?

Op I agree with this, its not an insult to be called naive btw it's just an aspect of your personality.

You seem to think that because he talks to you about other things that it somehow "proves" he's looking for a relationship. As I said above a nice man can still want just sex.
Just think about it for a minute, it's easy to chat away and keep you interested in him, if he basically ignored you until it was time for sexy chat you wouldn't bother keeping in touch would you?!
The only thing he's doing wrong is being dishonest and letting you think he wants a relationship.

I asked how you react to see does he care if you're bothered by it, it seems not. When you ignored his message last night he didn't apologise or do anything to show he knew his behaviour was unacceptable, he just carried on as normal. That is showing you he's not bothered by you being annoyed and will do what he wants.

katekal

sorry I didn't mean to get defensive I just cant believe im here again honestly I just keep attracting dickheads

magicmushroom

katekal wrote: »

sorry I didn't mean to get defensive I just cant believe im here again honestly I just keep attracting dickheads

At least you've realised this one is a dickhead early on and can walk away.
Imagine if you'd already slept with him or was finding out he was a sleaze after really falling for him!

Just send him a text and say you're not really feeling the relationship and wish him all the best, then block him. Might sound harsh but it's the only way to do it, you don't need him trying to persuade you that you have him all wrong etc.

Go with your gut on this one, it's usually right.

You will find someone nice OP - but you won't be able to find him whilst you're still pre-occupied with this idiot

stickybookmark

katekal you should realise that those of us on here that can see through his behaviour can see through it because of experience! We're all wise after the event.

These kind of guys are pros, all the asking you about yourself and texting you in the morning to say he'll be thinking about you all day - it's all part of the game.

Making you doubt yourself and think ''I don't want him to think I'm a prude'' is classic stuff. This is exactly how these kind of guys play naive girls.

In fairness though OP it's generally easy to spot the genuine guys:

A) they do not send photos or videos of their private parts after ONE date
they do not send photos of videos of their private parts during the first week after you've met them for the first time

Sorry if I'm spelling out the obvious here

ibarelycare

stickybookmark wrote: »

katekal you should realise that those of us on here that can see through his behaviour can see through it because of experience! I'll give you one example from 10 years ago an aussie guy (not a reflection on them just this particular individual) offered to cook me dinner at his place as the first date. I was amazed....an irish guy would never do that I thought....Oysters Kilpatrick for starter followed by BBQ'd baby octopus. And a lovely bottle of wine. I was amazed and of course felt ''grateful'' and like I owed him something. Game set and match to the sleaze!

These kind of guys are pros, all the asking you about yourself and texting you in the morning to say he'll be thinking about you all day - it's all part of the game.

Making you doubt yourself and think ''I don't want him to think I'm a prude'' is classic stuff. This is exactly how these kind of guys play naive girls.

In fairness though OP naivety notwithstanding it's generally easy to spot the genuine guys:

A) they do not send photos or videos of their private parts after ONE date
they do not send photos of videos of their private parts during the first week after you've met them for the first time

Sorry if I'm spelling out the obvious here

He's a sleaze because he cooked you dinner and you felt obligated to have sex with him??? Unless he forced you to have sex with him he did nothing wrong. If you think you owe someone sex because they cooked you dinner, then that's your own issue, not their's. What a messed up point of view.




OP just because a guy talks about sex with you, it doesn't mean he's not "genuine" (as much as I hate that word). People can be interested in each other, respect each other, and still talk about sex/send dirty messages/pics from early on. If both people are on the same page, that's absolutely fine. In this instance you're obviously not on the same page, however you're giving him mixed messages by not being clear with him.

Why are people saying that he might be attached..?

To many people, talking about sex is a natural progression in this kind of stuff - men and women alike. You ask him to stop, but then you join in with it. If you really don't like it, tell him so and put a stop to it.

Pa8301

A male perspective here. I do a bit of online dating and I would certainly not be as forward as this guy seems to be if I genuinely was looking for a serious relationship. He's only after one thing in my opinion. Maybe I'm just a conservative person!

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Why are people saying that he might be attached..?

As it was me who first suggested he might be attached, I'll answer; as I said in my post, the setup is all there, internet dating, coming on strong, brings the conversation to sex quickly and frequently and "works away from home", which is so frequently a facet of internet dating that I personally refuse to believe it to be true and I believe it is in fact just a ready made excuse for the fact that he'll find it difficult to get away from his OH.

I can't know for sure of course, but it's extremely common in these circumstances and I'd bet a months wages.

I'd also bet that if the OP asked a few questions about his life and offered to meet on his territory, like where is he working so she can come and see him, or where does he live so she can pop over for lunch, then the excuses will ramp up and start to unravel.

tara73

Guessed wrote: »

I'd also bet that if the OP asked a few questions about his life and offered to meet on his territory, like where is he working so she can come and see him, or where does he live so she can pop over for lunch, then the excuses will ramp up and start to unravel.

this is actually a good point. Did you ask him about his life and if yes what did he answer?
I'm all in here with hte majority for sending this guy the text you're not interested anymore and then block him as I also think he's a sleaze and probably attached.

If you don't want to do this, and it seems so you still want more confirmation that he's not serious, why not ask him to meet him at his place and see how he reacts? I'm kind of 100% sure you'll get some excuses it's not possible, or not possible the next time blabla..

stickybookmark

tara73 wrote: »

If you don't want to do this, and it seems so you still want more confirmation that he's not serious, why not ask him to meet him at his place and see how he reacts? I'm kind of 100% sure you'll get some excuses it's not possible, or not possible the next time blabla..

If he's not attached but is just after one thing he'll be only too delighted to meet at his place though!!

Taboola

You're sending him pictures back so you yourself are giving him mixed signals. You're saying no 'sexy talk' but then actually parting in 'sexy talk' by sending pics. As long as you continue to do this he's going to continue to talk like that.

To me it looks like you like this guy so much that you're willing to do whatever he wants even if it's something you're not comfortable with. You've got him on a pedestal which is not the right way to start a relationship.

Taboola

You're sending him pictures back so you yourself are giving him mixed signals. You're saying no 'sexy talk' but then actually parting in 'sexy talk' by sending pics. As long as you continue to do this he's going to continue to talk like that.

To me it looks like you like this guy so much that you're willing to do whatever he wants even if it's something you're not comfortable with. You've got him on a pedestal which is not the right way to start a relationship.

Guessed

Guessed wrote: »

As it was me who first suggested he might be attached, I'll answer; as I said in my post, the setup is all there, internet dating, coming on strong, brings the conversation to sex quickly and frequently and "works away from home", which is so frequently a facet of internet dating that I personally refuse to believe it to be true and I believe it is in fact just a ready made excuse for the fact that he'll find it difficult to get away from his OH.

I can't know for sure of course, but it's extremely common in these circumstances and I'd bet a months wages.

I'd also bet that if the OP asked a few questions about his life and offered to meet on his territory, like where is he working so she can come and see him, or where does he live so she can pop over for lunch, then the excuses will ramp up and start to unravel.

Have you ever used online dating?

zeffabelli

I can't tell you anything about this guys character but I can tell you is Hus actions would have an alienating effect on me.

The juvenile aspect, the avoidance of actual relating would bore me very quickly.

It would end up distancing me.

dellas1979

I met a guy once in a bar and he was cool, started off nicely.

One evening, in front of the PC chatting to him, he started the "what are you wearing" malarkey.

And I was genuinely baffled-was I supposed to be sitting infront of the PC in lingerie, with a pair of high heels? Totally turned me off. So, I just replied fleece lined PJs.

There is nothing wrong with what hes doing if both parties are into it. Personally, I don't like that talk myself (at that stage). Its pointless/boring. I asked a male friend of mine why some guys do this (if I was into that talk, should I have replied "lacy knickers and bra?"), and he said it was to give a visual/get guy excited (so even tho am sitting in fleece lined PJs, Ive to get this guy excited by lying).

Now, am definitely not a prude, but for me getting to know someone (before we go to those things/sex) is more exciting than being used as a sex/visual play thing.

It happened again another time, and I just thought "ah here..." Done.

It does sound pretty full on. As mentioned above, those types of (if youd even call them) relationships do tend to burn out quickly as usually one is left reeling (in this case, you).

dixiefly

stickybookmark wrote: »

He's just looking for se*x. Suggesting the first date as a movie and a pizza at yours?!?!
Come on!!!

This sums it up.

dixiefly

katekal wrote: »

yes I am, but I cant explain it he will ask me a question and then it starts im not a virgin ive been in 2 long term relationships, I suppose I don't want him to think I'm a prude either, abit of harmless flirting and pics is grand, the pics I sent aren't vulgar or anything im clothed in them, but the ones he sends are pretty full on, the type u would send to someone u know really well and ur with a long time where your comfortable to send those kind of pics, im just thinking how many other women have seen these pics and seen my potential boyfriends full package

He knows you a week or two and is sending you pictures of his package when you have been quite clear about your reluctance to take it to that stage:eek:

Detached Retina

The "Works away from home" thing would be a bit iffy, combined with full on attempts at sexting,dick pics and pizza at yours, sounds like the "netflix and chill" meme bandied about at the moment. Nope. That's not to say he's not an other wise interesting guy and boyfriend material. Unfortunately for someone else maybe. I'd hope you'd not dismiss the flaws in this one and hold out for someone better that you deserve, that won't make you wonder, or uncomfortable

Tebley

dellas1979 wrote: »

I met a guy once in a bar and he was cool, started off nicely.

One evening, in front of the PC chatting to him, he started the "what are you wearing" malarkey.

And I was genuinely baffled-was I supposed to be sitting infront of the PC in lingerie, with a pair of high heels? Totally turned me off. So, I just replied fleece lined PJs.

There is nothing wrong with what hes doing if both parties are into it. Personally, I don't like that talk myself (at that stage). Its pointless/boring. I asked a male friend of mine why some guys do this (if I was into that talk, should I have replied "lacy knickers and bra?"), and he said it was to give a visual/get guy excited (so even tho am sitting in fleece lined PJs, Ive to get this guy excited by lying).

Now, am definitely not a prude, but for me getting to know someone (before we go to those things/sex) is more exciting than being used as a sex/visual play thing.

It happened again another time, and I just thought "ah here..." Done.

It does sound pretty full on. As mentioned above, those types of (if youd even call them) relationships do tend to burn out quickly as usually one is left reeling (in this case, you).

The lesson there is different people find different things exciting, neither are wrong.

zeffabelli

Tebley wrote: »

The lesson there is different people find different things exciting, neither are wrong.

No but it is indicative of a low emotional intelligence to seek access to another's body before gaining intuitions and knowledge of their psychological boundaries.

You don't make the assumption that this is a comfort zone before getting to know them a little more. If I were OP I'd have lost interest.

dellas1979

Tebley wrote: »

The lesson there is different people find different things exciting, neither are wrong.

Yep - that's what I said in my post.

I really don't get dick pics either. I wonder is there a woman on the planet who actually gets excited by them and how/why (all seems to be about the male excitement).

Ursus Horribilis

dellas1979 wrote: »

I really don't get dick pics either. I wonder is there a woman on the planet who actually gets excited by them and how/why (all seems to be about the male excitement).

Maybe some women do. What people who know each other better send is their business. The issue here is that the OP has only met him once. She barely knows the guy. Sending saucy photos this early is inappropriate in my book. Add that to him wanting to go to her place for their first date, the wandering hands when they had a kiss and the sexting and you've got someone who's very keen to get his leg over very soon. That's fair enough if that's what the OP wants too and knows what she's dealing with.

LegacyUser

Op, other posters here are saying he's attached and I have to say I tend to agree with them.

A couple of years ago after a very traumatic breakup I met a man on pof who was from the Midlands. He was attractive, sound, successful etc. He ticked all my boxes really. Being in a vulnerable state at the time I couldn't see the wood for the trees. We did a lot of texting etc. The texts quickly got around to sexting and I fully went along with it. When it came to meeting he was always busy working 15 hour days. Eventually he came down to Dublin and we had an amazing night together. We didn't have sex but close enough. I was mad about him. He started to call to my house the odd time when he was here on business and eventually invited me down to his neck of the woods. He cancelled the date at the last minute. Another time he was in Dublin we slept together in his hotel room. All of a sudden he disappeared.

Recently I found out the reason why we only met in Dublin and I was never invited to his place .... His wife ( yes wife) was pregnant and he was messing around with me in the meantime. As soon as the baby was born he disappeared. I couldn't see the writing on the wall because I was too involved.

I would say call his bluff. casually talk to him about his town and his local, find out where it is. Next time he wants to meet offer to come down there and meet in that pub. I bet that he will cancel to be honest. The early sexting, the working away for weeks on end .,. It's a fairly classic sign. Anyway assuming he is on the level if your looking for a relationship do you really want to begin one with a person who will be away for weeks at a time. That's no use at all to you really. If your looking for fun go for it, if you want more though I don't think you will get what you need out of this man!

katekal

Op here just an update I have ceased contact
Blocked n deleted even my fb I feel this is best
The whole thing felt sleazy, abit of banter can be fun but it was getting to the stage that every conversation somehow ended up sexual. It's too much I felt like I should be charging him 🙈 - not good
I need a man that will respect me
Thanks to everyone who advised me I appreciate it so much ❤️

LegacyUser

Op just have to say well done. Usually if something doesn't feel right to you, you should just go with your gut. He sounds like a sleaze to me. So good on ya and you deserve someone who is on the same page as you. Onwards and upwards

liz2

katekal wrote: »

Op here just an update I have ceased contact
Blocked n deleted even my fb I feel this is best
The whole thing felt sleazy, abit of banter can be fun but it was getting to the stage that every conversation somehow ended up sexual. It's too much I felt like I should be charging him 🙈 - not good
I need a man that will respect me
Thanks to everyone who advised me I appreciate it so much ❤️

Good for you😉
I wouldn't stand for that sort of thing.
You'll now be armed in spotting the time wasters a mile off.
Best of luck, you will meet a guy that will respect you and allow a relationship to progress in a mature way