Fussy

seenitall

Lamp69 wrote: »

I am attracted to him but not as much as I have been to other guys in the past straight away. But this might grow. I do not disrespect him as someone also mentioned. And also to add I feel more attracted to him and want to talk to him more than I did this time last week. So it is growing already 😊

Hi OP,

well there you go - there's your answer. Go on dating and see where it leads.

It's different strokes for different folks on this one. It is completely individual.

Personally, I have never been able to feel a strong physical attraction to a bloke where I didn't feel it within the moments of meeting him. "Lust at first sight", I think they call it. Other things, affection, respect, love, can and do grow for me in time, but that thrilling spark of "gawd I wish he just shagged me senseless" - nope.

Then I have a friend who never experiences what I do, and desire takes a long time to take hold with her, and when it does, it's like a slow tidal wave, deep and overwhelming (paraphrasing her).

If the attraction is growing for you, it's a good sign - for you both Good luck!

Potatoeman

Lamp69 wrote: »

I am attracted to him but not as much as I have been to other guys in the past straight away. But this might grow. I do not disrespect him as someone also mentioned. And also to add I feel more attracted to him and want to talk to him more than I did this time last week. So it is growing already 😊

Would you be happy with him describing you that way? How do you know he is a nice guy and not just putting his best foot forward at this early stage?

Lamp69

Potatoeman wrote: »

Would you be happy with him describing you that way? How do you know he is a nice guy and not just putting his best foot forward at this early stage?

I really have no idea. As you said it's an early stage so will see how it goes

baby and crumble

seenitall wrote: »

Then I have a friend who never experiences what I do, and desire takes a long time to take hold with her, and when it does, it's like a slow tidal wave, deep and overwhelming (paraphrasing her).

Perhaps slightly off topic (although I think it's relevant), this sounds like demisexuality:

Demisexual: A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction unless they have already formed a strong emotional bond with the person. The bond may or may not be romantic in nature.

Human sexuality and attraction and romance is so nuanced, there's hundreds of different ways someone experiences it.You can't really change it, nor who you are attracted to, but you can change how you react to it. Nothing wrong with trying new things so long as you're comfortable!

K_P

By all means go for it with this "nice guy", OP. But I'd be a little concerned that your main impetus for being with this guy is just that you want to settle down and have kids and the clock is ticking. That's unfair on both of you and it absolutely 100% will not work out if you don't fancy him. I get what you're saying, that you feel the attraction may grow and it's great if it does. But be prepared to walk away if it doesn't.

Also, just because you think he's different to the type of guys you usually go for, this doesn't mean it'll be smooth sailing, your relationship will be without problems or he'll be without fault.

Lamp69

When I say nice guy I prob should say a guy that seems keen and wants to get to know me and actually rang me! Most guys in the past just seem to want to sleep with me and that's why I'm calling this got a "nice guy"

WarpAsylum

Lamp69 wrote: »

When I say nice guy I prob should say a guy that seems keen and wants to get to know me and actually rang me! Most guys in the past just seem to want to sleep with me and that's why I'm calling this got a "nice guy"

I think it's good that you clarified, as the "nice guy" label would normally suggest a bit more.

So really, this guy is just treating you with the most rudimentary level of respect?

Lamp69

WarpAsylum wrote: »

I think it's good that you clarified, as the "nice guy" label would normally suggest a bit more.

So really, this guy is just treating you with the most rudimentary level of respect?

I guess so yes

Lamp69

Mr_Higgins wrote: »

If it were me I would want to know that you don't feel the attraction towards me that you feel towards other men. I couldn't be with a women who felt like that about me.

Well in my defence my ex of 3 years - when I first met him I didn't fancy him at all and we ended up dating and living together and I loved him very much. so that grew over time. All the other guys bar one whom I dated for about 6 months were all disasters and just sex. So now with this guy I'm seeing how it develops as if could be like my first ex

Lamp69

Mr_Higgins wrote: »

Obviously it's still early so I would give it some time, but if you never get to the point where you just have to rip the clothes off him I would break it off. 50 years with someone you kind of fancy is no fun.

Of course it's early days. We've only been on one date and he asked for another so I wasn't sure to accept or not and posted here. Btw my family think I'm highly fussy and need to cop on!!!!!! Lol

Daisy78

I don't know. ..I'm beginning to think that relationships can provide some of your needs but not all. Obviously you would like to have the passion, attraction, friendship, loyalty etc all within a single relationship but I think that is extremely difficult to find these days. I think at some point you accept that you may have to comprise on certain wants in favour of others. You can have a perfectly good relationship with somone whilst acknowledging that it may lack the "fire" you have experienced in other less stable relationships. If you find the man physically unappealing to the point where you are uncomfortable in his presence then I'd say back off now. But if you find him pleasant enough, good company and not totally unattractive then give it a shot. You have nothing to lose.

Emme

Lamp69 wrote: »

When I say nice guy I prob should say a guy that seems keen and wants to get to know me and actually rang me! Most guys in the past just seem to want to sleep with me and that's why I'm calling this got a "nice guy"

Decent guys tend not to want to jump into bed straight away. If you want to weed out the players don't sleep with guys until you know them a bit better. It's up to people themselves but I would advise you to wait at least two months before sleeping with someone. A good guy who values you will be happy to wait this long. It also gives people concerned time to get the results of a full STI check.

Lamp69

Emme wrote: »

Decent guys tend not to want to jump into bed straight away. If you want to weed out the players don't sleep with guys until you know them a bit better. It's up to people themselves but I would advise you to wait at least two months before sleeping with someone. A good guy who values you will be happy to wait this long. It also gives people concerned time to get the results of a full STI check.

An STI check? What do you mean?

njs030

Emme wrote: »

Decent guys tend not to want to jump into bed straight away. If you want to weed out the players don't sleep with guys until you know them a bit better. It's up to people themselves but I would advise you to wait at least two months before sleeping with someone. A good guy who values you will be happy to wait this long. It also gives people concerned time to get the results of a full STI check.

Is this a joke?
2 months??
Decent guys don't jump straight into bed??

What a load of rubbish!!!

Lamp69

Daisy78 wrote: »

I don't know. ..I'm beginning to think that relationships can provide some of your needs but not all. Obviously you would like to have the passion, attraction, friendship, loyalty etc all within a single relationship but I think that is extremely difficult to find these days. I think at some point you accept that you may have to comprise on certain wants in favour of others. You can have a perfectly good relationship with somone whilst acknowledging that it may lack the "fire" you have experienced in other less stable relationships. If you find the man physically unappealing to the point where you are uncomfortable in his presence then I'd say back off now. But if you find him pleasant enough, good company and not totally unattractive then give it a shot. You have nothing to lose.

God no I don't feel uncomfortable with him - he's a decebt guy with a brilliant job and family. Ya maybe I don't feel lightning bolts now but that's not to say I won't in the future. And I agree with your compromise - you can't have it all unless your really lucky in life

LegacyUser

Lamp69 wrote: »

When I say nice guy I prob should say a guy that seems keen and wants to get to know me and actually rang me! Most guys in the past just seem to want to sleep with me and that's why I'm calling this got a "nice guy"

Christ! How bad were your other 'relationships' that a guy ringing you and wanting to know you was surprising!

It's a bit of a funny situation OP, as the advice for you and the advice for him would probably be polar opposite. If you have been having a long run of unfulfilling relationships with 'head wreckers' then of course trying out someone who would not normally be your type makes complete sense.

However if he was here and asking for advice and told us she has a history of a long list of bad relationships and that she is dating me because I'm not her normal type and I seem like a 'nice guy' the advice would be to run, and don't look back.

Also I suggest you look back at your opening post and seriously look at the question you asked. You asked if you should give a guy who seems genuinely interested and nice a try as he isn't your usual 'head wrecker' type. Like being a nice guy and being interested is a bad thing or something you need to take a chance on? Also any time you talk about this guy it isn't exactly flattering and sounds like you would find him far more attractive if only he treated you worse.

Anyway good luck with it OP, I hope you find what your looking for.

Emme

notjustsweet wrote: »

Is this a joke?
2 months??
Decent guys don't jump straight into bed??

What a load of rubbish!!!

Why is it a load of rubbish? If people care about each other and want to take the relationship further why shouldn't they wait? Or not if that's their choice. The difference is a decent guy will wait for someone he cares to be ready while a player wants it straight away. If he doesn't get it he won't hang around, he'll go on to the next girl.

Confucius say

Emme wrote: »

Why is it a load of rubbish? If people care about each other and want to take the relationship further why shouldn't they wait? Or not if that's their choice. The difference is a decent guy will wait for someone he cares to be ready while a player wants it straight away. If he doesn't get it he won't hang around, he'll go on to the next girl.

Ridiculous narrow minded sexism. I've been with girls in a much bigger hurry than me to get in the sack, I can be nervous if it's someone I really like.
How do you explain couples who slept with each other the first night they met?

njs030

Emme wrote: »

Why is it a load of rubbish? If people care about each other and want to take the relationship further why shouldn't they wait? Or not if that's their choice. The difference is a decent guy will wait for someone he cares to be ready while a player wants it straight away. If he doesn't get it he won't hang around, he'll go on to the next girl.

Thats not what you said originally.

Decency isn't proven by someone wanting to wait, unless you're saying that every single person who has sex on a first date isn't decent??

Putting time limits on like "wait at least two months" is playing games, a decent woman doesn't treat people like that in the first place.

Very few men "nice guys" or not will be interested in someone that thinks it's ok to put them through a test to see will they hang around. Sex isn't something that woman "give" it's a mutually pleasurable experience for both people and something both should do when suits them.

Op has said in a previous thread that men she goes out with aren't great at keeping in touch or making arrangements to meet in advance. She's used to dates being arranged on the day or near enough.....a man who makes an effort to keep in touch might be a good indicator of someone worth spending time with for her.

Emme

Mr_Higgins wrote: »

Or maybe the decent guy is the one who sleeps with you early on and still wants to see you again afterwards. It saves a lot of time too.

OK, a decent guy will sleep with you early on if he wants to see you again. He will also be patient if you are not ready to sleep with him early on. All of this applies to decent girls as well.

If people want to get together for a one night stand and they're both ok with it that's fine. In this case if one person gives the other person the impression they want more than a one night stand it is not fine.

Eric Cartman

Attraction could grow in time
he has a good job
he's not as exciting as other men Ive been with.

those are the only 3 things you've said about this guy OP.

Do the chap a favour and leave him alone. If I was with somebody even for a week and they said these things about me there would be no future.

Lamp69

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Attraction could grow in time
he has a good job
he's not as exciting as other men Ive been with.

those are the only 3 things you've said about this guy OP.

Do the chap a favour and leave him alone. If I was with somebody even for a week and they said these things about me there would be no future.

I'm not leaving him alone - we are going on another date

suicide_circus

I don't know OP...this all makes me feel bad for the new guy. You don't really fancy him, you're essentially rebounding from your latest in a litany of "badboys", you like him for his job and family and the attention you're getting in being pursued for once. Imagine a guy starting this thread on you...don't think you'd like that feeling.

Lamp69

suicide_circus wrote: »

I don't know OP...this all makes me feel bad for the new guy. You don't really fancy him, you're essentially rebounding from your latest in a litany of "badboys", you like him for his job and family and the attention you're getting in being pursued for once. Imagine a guy starting this thread on you...don't think you'd like that feeling.

Feel bad for the new guy? How come? I do like him. If I came on here saying I loved him after one date then I'd feel bad for him as I'd be some nutter lol

Shrap

Lamp69 wrote: »

Feel bad for the new guy? How come? I do like him. If I came on here saying I loved him after one date then I'd feel bad for him as I'd be some nutter lol

So you've decided to see him again, which is fair enough. You're not considering marrying the guy after all, but you are considering having a few dates and seeing where it takes you. Neither of you owe each other anything at this stage, not even another chance, but I get the feeling that your initial question as to whether you should/shouldn't take a punt on a nice guy who doesn't particularly excite you, yet.....has been answered.

I imagine that if he's a decent sort, then he too won't have any major expectations either way.

The only advice I have for you now Lamp is the advice my bro gave me about not falling hook, line and sinker for the next guy who tells a good story. "Always consider him mad/fatally flawed until he's been surprising you consistently for at least a year by not being mad/fatally flawed." It was good advice.

Penny Tration

Lamp69 wrote: »

Feel bad for the new guy? How come? I do like him. If I came on here saying I loved him after one date then I'd feel bad for him as I'd be some nutter lol

I feel bad for him too tbh.

He's not your type, you're not particularly attracted to him, and you needed advice on whether or not to even go on a date with him. You can't like him much if you couldn't even decide on a date.

Seems like you're just on the rebound and willing to take anyone who seems the settling down type. not really fair to the guy.

suicide_circus

You like him but you don't LIKE HIM like him...you like his interest in you, you like his good job...to be honest I would worry about anyone over the age of 23 who still goes for bad men (they are men, not boys). It just comes across that you see this guy as the solvent safe option who ties in nicely with your hurt feelings and ticking biological clock. Furthermore..."nice guys" mostly just wanna get laid too!

Shrap

Penny Tration wrote: »

I feel bad for him too tbh.

He's not your type, you're not particularly attracted to him, and you needed advice on whether or not to even go on a date with him. You can't like him much if you couldn't even decide on a date.

Seems like you're just on the rebound and willing to take anyone who seems the settling down type. not really fair to the guy.

I actually think this is an equally valid point as my own. However, we presume this guy is an adult and will have criteria of his own that the OP may very well be wide of the mark on, so he gets to take the risk on another date too.

I think this whole thread is a little premature, considering it's only on 2nd date territory. If they were up to a month and she still wasn't excited by him, then I'd be feeling sorry for him too. I'm outta here anyway - OP is naval gazing if this gets discussed any further, IMO.

Lamp69

Penny Tration wrote: »

I feel bad for him too tbh.

He's not your type, you're not particularly attracted to him, and you needed advice on whether or not to even go on a date with him. You can't like him much if you couldn't even decide on a date.

Seems like you're just on the rebound and willing to take anyone who seems the settling down type. not really fair to the guy.

I am attracted to him of course - I've gone on a date already with him. My initial worry was because I didn't feel "lightning bolts" like in the past. Plus I'm hardly on the rebound - my last proper relationship was over 2 years ago.

Lamp69

suicide_circus wrote: »

You like him but you don't LIKE HIM like him...you like his interest in you, you like his good job...to be honest I would worry about anyone over the age of 23 who still goes for bad men (they are men, not boys). It just comes across that you see this guy as the solvent safe option who ties in nicely with your hurt feelings and ticking biological clock. Furthermore..."nice guys" mostly just wanna get laid too!

You needn't worry about me - yes I'm over 23 ( where did you get 23 ) and I've realised my choice of men in the past has not worked for me. So unless i want to end up a dried up old spinster I need to change tactic. And at 33 I'm heading that way

Lamp69

Shrap wrote: »

I actually think this is an equally valid point as my own. However, we presume this guy is an adult and will have criteria of his own that the OP may very well be wide of the mark on, so he gets to take the risk on another date too.

I think this whole thread is a little premature, considering it's only on 2nd date territory. If they were up to a month and she still wasn't excited by him, then I'd be feeling sorry for him too. I'm outta here anyway - OP is naval gazing if this gets discussed any further, IMO.

Way premature - someone mentioned in 50 years time. Bloody hell - we have still to go on our second date

Utdfan20titles

Lamp69 wrote: »

So it is growing already 😊

Ok, so you've noticed his physical reaction to you.

How do you feel about him though?

Lamp69

Utdfan20titles wrote: »

Ok, so you've noticed his physical reaction to you.

How do you feel about him though?

I like him. We've only gone on one date so it's hard to tell. I've really no idea how I feel ( how could I at this stage) but I know I like him

LegacyUser

How about giving up on men in general for a while and concentrating on liking yourself and falling in love with yourself!!

Your uncertainty and hesitancy regarding your choices in men suggest that you should spend time figuring yourself out more. Seven pages on whether you should date a decent man , really!!! Send him this way!! Lol!!

Have an amazing relationship with yourself first, lamp69 and all else will fall into place.

OnTheCouch

I don't know, I'm very much in two minds over this one.

You OP, just like everyone else decent, deserves to be in a relationship where they are treated with respect and consideration. In other words, the opposite of what you've described the men with whom you have had relationships in the past.

But at a similar age to you now, if I got an inkling that my current girlfriend, after having many flings/relationships over the years with unsuitable men, was now with me because I seemed like a "safe bet," I would feel mortified and it would be a devastating blow to my self-esteem. And I don't think I could continue in the relationship knowing that.

Even though in some ways the above statement is complimentary to me, insofar as I'm seen as reliable and dependable, in terms of how I would feel as a sexual being, it would be akin to saying I'm asexual, or like "the little brother."

I think it hits home and brings out the insecurities many men have when considering settling down with someone, especially around the 30 mark. There is always the nagging doubt deep down, that for a certain type of woman, now that she is running out of time to have children and has got the bad boys out of her system, she wants to settle down with a nice, but essentially boring guy who'll stand by her. Provide for her. Vouch for her. But sadly not attract her. And no man wants to be that guy, no matter how physically attractive the woman is. As others have written, it's a classic case of the sex life pretty much disappearing after a while in these sort of situations.

Now this is quite an extreme example, obviously there are many many shades of grey in when and with whom women settle down, but despite you describing this man in fairly respectful terms, there is still too much of your post that reminds me of a woman in the previous paragraph. That essentially the only guys that turn you on sexually are men to have flings with and not to have long-term relationships with. Now I don't know if this is true and of course in any relationship that lasts a while, the sexual attraction will peter out to some degree, but from what you have written it appears the chances are high that subconsciously at least, you are seeing this man as someone who will be in it for the long haul, but not necessarily someone who makes your heart thump every time you see him.

So you'll just have to hope that the attraction grows on your side. I'm not overly convinced at the moment that it will, but you never know. If you do enter into a relationship with him, maybe it would be an idea to not talk very much about your previous bfs, or at least be somewhat vague.

Best of luck

ibarelycare

OP you have opened 2 threads in 2 weeks about 2 different guys. One of them you'd been on two dates with, another one you've been on one date with. You're putting WAY too much thought into these guys that you're only starting to get to know.

Lamp69

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP you have opened 2 threads in 2 weeks about 2 different guys. One of them you'd been on two dates with, another one you've been on one date with. You're putting WAY too much thought into these guys that you're only starting to get to know.

Isn't that what these forums are for "Ibarelycare"!

ibarelycare

Lamp69 wrote: »

Isn't that what these forums are for "Ibarelycare"!

Yes they're for seeking advice, but that's not the point. My point is that you're going to ruin things that haven't even started by way overthinking them.

Lamp69

ibarelycare wrote: »

Yes they're for seeking advice, but that's not the point. My point is that you're going to ruin things that haven't even started by way overthinking them.

Ok - granted the guy last week wrecked my head but the point of this thread was I wasn't sure whether to go on another date or not with the "nice guy" and the majority think I should. I thought that too but just posted here about it too

Penny Tration

Lamp69 wrote: »

Ok - granted the guy last week wrecked my head but the point of this thread was I wasn't sure whether to go on another date or not with the "nice guy" and the majority think I should. I thought that too but just posted here about it too

I think IIbarelycare is pointing out that you don't even know these guys and you're already over-thinking everything. I mean after one date it should be a simple 'yeah I wanna see him again' or 'nah, not my type' thing, and the other guy thing should have been 'ah he's not really putting in enough effort, feck that.'

Making two threads in such quick succession, questioning what's honestly the most basic, easy to judge questions, kind of implies that maybe you're thinking way too much about these men that you barely know.

It shouldn't be a big dilemma where you don't know what you want. If you can't easily decide to go on a date or not, you probably shouldn't go!

Lamp69

Penny Tration wrote: »

I think IIbarelycare is pointing out that you don't even know these guys and you're already over-thinking everything. I mean after one date it should be a simple 'yeah I wanna see him again' or 'nah, not my type' thing, and the other guy thing should have been 'ah he's not really putting in enough effort, feck that.'

Making two threads in such quick succession, questioning what's honestly the most basic, easy to judge questions, kind of implies that maybe you're thinking way too much about these men that you barely know.

It shouldn't be a big dilemma where you don't know what you want. If you can't easily decide to go on a date or not, you probably shouldn't go!

Well I am going now!

Emme

Lamp69 wrote: »

You needn't worry about me - yes I'm over 23 ( where did you get 23 ) and I've realised my choice of men in the past has not worked for me. So unless i want to end up a dried up old spinster I need to change tactic. And at 33 I'm heading that way

After reading this post I am starting to feel sorry for the guy. Enjoy your second date and I hope for his sake that you feel attracted to him.

If you were saying "I like this guy but it's more of a slow burn than a big spark" I would say hang in there. But you're saying "I'm 33 and heading for dried-up spinsterhood fast, so I need to meet a guy who isn't a player because I want children".

You won't heed my advice because you are so desperate to avoid dried-up spinsterhood, but I think you should stop dating altogether for 3 months and focus on other things instead. Go out with your friends with no intention other than to have fun. Take up a new hobby. Start learning a new language.

This guy deserves someone who is genuinely attracted to him and likes him, not his job or the fact that he isn't a bad boy.

He doesn't deserve a scenario where he meets a girl who rushes everything and in two years time he finds himself with a new baby and a wife who doesn't want to sleep with him anymore.

Lamp69

Emme wrote: »

After reading this post I am starting to feel sorry for the guy. Enjoy your second date and I hope for his sake that you feel attracted to him.

If you were saying "I like this guy but it's more of a slow burn than a big spark" I would say hang in there. But you're saying "I'm 33 and heading for dried-up spinsterhood fast, so I need to meet a guy who isn't a player because I want children".

You won't heed my advice because you are so desperate to avoid dried-up spinsterhood, but I think you should stop dating altogether for 3 months and focus on other things instead. Go out with your friends with no intention other than to have fun. Take up a new hobby. Start learning a new language.

This guy deserves someone who is genuinely attracted to him and likes him, not his job or the fact that he isn't a bad boy.

He doesn't deserve a scenario where he meets a girl who rushes everything and in two years time he finds himself with a new baby and a wife who doesn't want to sleep with him anymore.

Bit extreme. Yes I am getting on in age but I'm not going to be with someone I can't stand! Nothing is worth that. but it's been ONE date - maybe il love hm next week but at this moment after ONE date I like him but no fireworks yet.

K_P

OP, I think you're massively overthinking this. Go on your date, see how it goes and have fun. As you say yourself, you've been on ONE date with him. Dating should be easier than you're making it out to be by overanalysing everything to death here.

VisibleGorilla

Emme wrote: »

He doesn't deserve a scenario where he meets a girl who rushes everything and in two years time he finds himself with a new baby and a wife who doesn't want to sleep with him anymore.

Excellent post and this is extremely likely to happen.

OP you will not be satisfied and end the relationship or cheat.

Maybe look into why none of the men who you usually go for want any type of relationship with you?

Lamp69

VisibleGorilla wrote: »

Excellent post and this is extremely likely to happen.

OP you will not be satisfied and end the relationship or cheat.

Maybe look into why none of the men who you usually go for want any type of relationship with you?

Because the last 2 were only out of rekationships, others only wanted sex etc etc. I pick the wrong guys

Confucius say

You're not going to fancy this guy going forward if you're analysing it so much already, no way. Anyway he may not be so keen on you either. I would often lose interest after a few dates with someone with whom things started positively. Imagine he could see this thread, I'd pay money to see that.

power pants

From reading this thread and previous ones, you dont sound fussy at all. Im certainly not implying anything untoward or as a personal insult, more like you are going for anything now as you dont want to be single in your 30s

Im happy being single and not settling for women in the recent past just because im approaching a certain age. I know I would never be happy and could think of nothing worse being with someone for the sake of it.

You've plenty of time to find someone still, take your time and relax

Lamp69

power pants wrote: »

From reading this thread and previous ones, you dont sound fussy at all. Im certainly not implying anything untoward or as a personal insult, more like you are going for anything now as you dont want to be single in your 30s

Im happy being single and not settling for women in the recent past just because im approaching a certain age. I know I would never be happy and could think of nothing worse being with someone for the sake of it.

You've plenty of time to find someone still, take your time and relax

But I'm not with him for the sake of it - I do like him but as of yet there's no fireworks. And the more I talk to him the more I like him ☺️

zeffabelli

I think this is more an issue of not trusting your own judgement and indecisiveness.

I can recognise this in myself.

You have to trust in your ability to bounce back.

Let go of the need to know outcomes.

Then flip a coin.

Like an ass between two haystacks, indecisiveness will let you starve.